Zinny25:
your first paragraph explains everything, truly something should make me love someone,when I don't find any, how am I supposed to Love

No, without the basis, you cant. Same way I can't love a dishonest person or a compulsive liar. And of course in marriage, I can't marry a woman that I'm not attracted to sexually.

But without any serious character flaws and other irredeemable flaws(e.g. zero sexual attraction ), love is not so hard to create in my heart. It's just a mindset, or a commitment/decision, and not some uncontrollable, irrational feelings. That's my point.

knowyaself2:


No, without the basis, you cant. Same way I can't love a dishonest person or a compulsive liar. And of course in marriage, I can't marry a woman that I'm not attracted to sexually.

But without any serious character flaws and other irredeemable flaws(e.g. zero sexual attraction ), love is not so hard to create in my heart. It's just a mindset, or a commitment/decision, and not some uncontrollable, irrational feelings. That's my point.

You have sense.

Girlwhocares:


Yes,have been dating my bf for (15yrs)he was my first nd the only one have ever loved,our problem started when my dad said he witnessed where exhibited an unruly characters to some elders and also cos of the friends he moves with recently as at then and that he wasnt comfortable with our relationship (which i pleaded and made him understand everyone deserves another chance but cos how principled my dad was he insisted he won't consent to our union)
To be candid,this is the guy have share all my life with,he's all i wanted in a man but my dad opinion ruined our relationship.

I think seperation from my husband is all i need just for clarity sake but honestly,the more i try to make the marriage work the more i drift away from him and I dont know how to go about it.

I have visited two marriage counsellors without informing my husband all in my effort to work things but not yielding results as expected

I think you are yet to completely let go of your Ex, especially the memories of the cherished moment you both shared together.
This is probably what is occupying your heart, and won't let you create a room in your heart for your husband's affection to thrive.
Anyone is lovable. It takes genuine willingness to make it happen.
See reasons to love him, I'm not asking you to pity your husband.
Is he not good looking enough? Even if he's not, you can mold him to your taste.
If his attitude puts you off, have a discussion with him.
By separating your rooms, you are making it seem as if your husband does not deserve you.
See him as your husband and the love of your life, not just a housemate.
You need to work on your mind first! Consciously attempt to love him. In as much as your marriage isn't abusive, do not see divorce as an option, that shows you are not ready and willing to make things work yet.

DeeMain:


What will Jesus do? Heal her or give her the solutions to what ails her she is looking for or get off her thread. Can't you hear her silent screams that she needs help? Bloody Pharisees!

you win

Opening up its a good step and communication is key. It means you really want things to change in your marriage. I believe the solution is to pray against any hindrance in your marital bliss because the devil is fighting very hard to instigate marital issues. I am a woman and sometimes I feel this way towards my hubby but once I pray this negative feeling goes away which means that it's not ordinary.
Physically, you can help yourself, try to be in a relaxing mode, wear sexy night wears because it helps women to be in the mode, apply sexual lubricant and pray for God to activate your sexual life especially for the purpose he created marriage.
Then see what happens.

From the story you shared. I seem to know you.

Do you stay around Akowonjo ?

healthserve:



She herself placed mental blocks to not love him no matter ehat he does. Thiugh the power to be able to love him is within her. Amongst many other things I'm picking in my own inner truth discerning systems. To avoid wasting my precious counsel is ehy i called her whom she was and told her the right thing to do, to elt the man go. Maturity many times isn't using plenting words thats why i settled fro two this morning

" Witch " and " Divorce ". I hope you get my drift now


She's a useless human being. This one is past redemption. Her soul is dry bitter and narcissistic. Only the Holyspirit can help these kinds. Theraphy and cuddling her with niceties won't. If she came to me for theraphy with this, she's in trouble.


So sometimes i could be detailed other times I'll be abrupt, blunt and instant. As the Holyspirit leads me

The Holy Spirit led you to call another human useless? What kind of heart do you have? Are you sure the Holy Spirit dwells there with all the vile and venom you poured on this thread? Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

AdedoyinO:


The Holy Spirit led you to call another human useless? What kind of heart do you have? Are you sure the Holy Spirit dwells there with all the vile and venom you poured on this thread? Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

The holy spirit lead Jesus to call people "fools"

Zinny25:
it would be difficult to respect a man I don't love

Love and respect are not mutually exclusive. Do you love your boss? Don’t you respect him? Did you love your lecturers? Didn’t you respect them? Use your head.

ityP:



The holy spirit lead Jesus to call people "fools"

Oga, please miss me with this debate. This thread is not about what Jesus said or not.
And yes, the Bible says 'a fool says in his heart there's no God'. Don't argue with me, argue with the Bible.

AdedoyinO:


Oga, please miss me with this debate. This thread is not about what Jesus said or not.
And yes, the Bible says 'a fool says in his heart there's no God'. Don't argue with me, argue with the Bible.

Well, I just wanted to let you know that holy spirit can lead someone to call someone names, if he or she deserves such

DukeNija:


Love and respect are not mutually exclusive. Do you love your boss? Don’t you respect him? Did you love your lecturers? Didn’t you respect them? Use your head.

that's different, there are people you need to respect whether you love them or not as you have highlighted. What I mean is if I decide to go into a relationship with a guy I don't love, despite him loving me, I won't respect him. Use your head too

Zinny25:
that's different, there are people you need to respect whether you love them or not as you have highlighted. What I mean is if I decide to go into a relationship with a guy I don't love, despite him loving me, I won't respect him. Use your head too

There’s nothing different about love and respect, talking from both sides of your mouth. If you can respect someone without loving them, you can love someone and not respect them which is exactly my point.

katyamizotta:


Ok, this might be my breakthough. Will try. Thanks

It surely will work. Happy to be of help.

Prayer changes situations, get on your knees and talk to your maker ASAP

Wow. Lots of comments in here, Probably the most mature thread I have seen on NL
on sensitive issues like this.

Here's the summary of the Issue;
1. Your heart is somewhere else (your ex), but you can bring it home ( you must be willing) to let go.
2. Due to 1 above, you are hurt, and time would heal you.
3. The Choice is all yours, (its not all green out there).
4. Your ex is still in your memory you must create ew ones with your hubby, he deserves it.
5. Time does wonders, there are somethings(memories) , we as humans wish could ladt for ever, but part of living is letting go of the past.


There are memories i still cherish, but life goes. All the best. Life goes on. You are your own therapist

Despite all the challenges you are a good woman. Very honest hard working and dedicated.

I wish you guys find a peaceful solution to this challenge.

Girlwhocares:
Please help me, I'm loosing my sanity everyday!
I'm scared to open up to friends and families because of what they will think or how disappointed or bad I will make them feel, also I'm afraid people will be judgemental about my actions.

I'm not physically and emotional connected with my husband which is affecting our marriage and my well-being, we live as co-tenant, we hardly have any conversation, we do things differently, we share different rooms, no sex for the past 3 years! Even during courtship and the fist two years of marriage I can account for days we were intimate.

Things are fallen out of place everyday, we have a child together who will be 4yrs and the thought of having another child has not crossed my mind.

I get irritated at everything, I hardly show appreciation towards him even if it means he has done his best, which later i will find myself guilty and try to make up but the spark and connection isn't just there.

Most times, I have a non-challant attitude towards him and everything he does to make me happy.

I feel lonely, bored and incomplete even when I'm 90% sure my husband loves me and always ready to make me happy.

I feel awkward communicating my feelings and thoughts to him because I know I might flare up with anger even when he hasn't done or said anything to warrant it.

Please I have come to this faceless forum to pour out my mind, my heart is heavy, I need someone to talk to, I'm afraid my personal intention of walking out this marriage even when my husband hasn't done anything to deserve this might backfire and has its negative effect on our child.

I honestly don't need anyone to insult me please as I'm going through a lot. All i need is mature married wo(men) opinions

Thank you for your time.

The same issue I'm encountering with my wife... I have sent your write-up to her for advice. You ladies ehn? it's not by force to marry someone you know you don't Love, you ain't helping your husband at all. I pray he finds peace!

Tosinayoko:


The same issue I'm encountering with my wife... I have sent your write-up to her for advice. You ladies ehn? it's not by force to marry someone you know you don't Love, you ain't helping your husband at all. I pray he finds peace!

So your wife is giving you same treatment? Did you force her into marrying you?

ityP:



So your wife is giving you same treatment? Did you force her into marrying you?

My broda... when you love someone you do all it takes to persuade them but ladies are always the determinant factor. They have the power of Yes or No.. even if someone "force" you you can as well REJECT, instead of ending up giving yourself headache and causing pain for the man. This kind of scenario is like Yoruba saying " ara ko ro okun, ara ko ro ediye"...

Something even happen of recent I thought that was the end but NOooooo she still want to continue in the boring marriage. I am sure this lady's husband sees the handwriting boldly written on the wall before they got married, just like me too. It's freaky difficult to let go but it's SAFE to let go in this situation (before marriage).

It's not easy at all for divorcee to remarry except you want to be join with someone not religious

Tosinayoko:


My broda... when you love someone you do all it takes to persuade them but ladies are always the determinant factor. They have the power of Yes or No.. even if someone "force" you you can as well REJECT, instead of ending up giving yourself headache and causing pain for the man. This kind of scenario is like Yoruba saying " ara ko ro okun, ara ko ro ediye"...

Something even happen of recent I thought that was the end but NOooooo she still want to continue in the boring marriage. I am sure this lady's husband sees the handwriting boldly written on the wall before they got married, just like me too. It's freaky difficult to let go but it's SAFE to let go in this situation (before marriage).

It's not easy at all for divorcee to remarry except you want to be join with someone not religious

Hmm. This is sad. I can't and won't ignore signs that the babe I'm dating doesn't love me o. In fact, I deliberately pretend like I don't love ladies I date. I give myself space sometimes. I make them chase after me, that way, I'm able to ascertain if she really Loves me.

Girlwhocares:


Yes,I accept my mistake for going into the marriage when i knew i was not not totally into him but i was made to believe love wasnt enough and one can grow in feelings and love in marriage.

Its prolly tearing you apart because you can't talk to anyone about this situation.
When you have someone to share emotions, feelings, fears and thoughts with that can (understand) listen and not judge, then you will relax and make the right decision.
But you need therapy.
Alert me when you get a good one.

Girlwhocares:


I have opened up to two counsellors to seek for their professional therapy but they ended up been biased and sentimental,hence their involvement was fruitless.

However,there's no harm in trying another therapist who will more professional in his/her dealings.

Thank you so much for the suggestions and i will surely look into it.

Maybe i can help to listen to you.
You can rant all to me.
If you would like that is.

pbidex:
Yes I know it’s not easy for you to pour all this down. Hmm for all those who talk without listening and having a feeling. I just get sick of you guys (Mind you I’m a married man). Sometimes is good to discuss with your spouse and be very real with him. Ensure he’s in a good mood. Don’t go to a marriage counselor or pastor always. They cannot change the situation. But only you can connect to him by talking to him.

Learn to be appreciative and thankful, probably that’s where the issue is starting from. Talk to him intimately including your sex life and how bad you want it to change. He’s yours handle him like you own him.

I got married to my beautiful emotionally depressed wife. It was a a real big deal. I knew before getting into it. But I love my wife like that and I have followed her to the psychiatrist hospital to get drugs, see her doctor, though I always make her see reasons why she shouldn’t. But we talk things out a lot. Yes we still have our ups and downs. But what if I get married to the most beautiful and richest and she develop the same issues. I love her and nothing can change that. In all she told me all this before getting into it, even her parent did, but we are like the best in world. She has not taking her drugs or feel depressed for so long now because of communication and the smile I put on her face. I don’t mind what I’m going through. I just want to see her happy. It gladdens my own heart. We have issues but we talk it out. Even the most irritating and past ones before marriage.

At least you are your wife's confidant.
She trust you to tell you what she is going through and not be judged or ridiculed and logically dismissed.
Oga not many men can handle the true conversations they keep shouting upandan that their wives should share with them.
You are a very matured man.
Thank God for you.
At least your wife got good and scored big.
Not everyone can have that luck.
OP main issue now is first to be listened to, then understood.
Only she can find the way to solve this.
She just needs to be unburdened first to see how to clearly.

You married out of compulsion, he married you out of insistence, love was absent in both case. I think two of you are prolly at fault, you got your judgement influenced by parental pressure. You even need to be sure if he really loves you or prolly he's the kind of hussy who's always busy with work. You need to do a thoroug check, if you are sure about his love for you. Then you can proceed to adjusting and changing ursef, which can be easy, Although this involve an emotional showdown talk with him too, you can't do it all alone, he needs to change too. You can make it work, or you can just walk away. Either of the two, your happiness is the ultimate! of

This is truly one of the saddest things I’ve read in a while. So sad. I truly hope that everything ends up working for you ma’am.

Lonely and Bored ladies, single mothers in
kwara State who need it can contact this Whatsapp 09030417834 for free and screat hook up.

hayoholla:
You married out of compulsion, he married you out of insistence, love was absent in both case. I think two of you are prolly at fault, you got your judgement influenced by parental pressure. You even need to be sure if he really loves you or prolly he's the kind of hussy who's always busy with work. You need to do a thoroug check, if you are sure about his love for you. Then you can proceed to adjusting and changing ursef, which can be easy, Although this involve an emotional showdown talk with him too, you can't do it all alone, he needs to change too. You can make it work, or you can just walk away. Either of the two, your happiness is the ultimate! of

Very thoughtful of you

Omar09:


I disagree with the bolded. Why will he change himself to suit his wife? Or is "accept me the way I am" patterns to only women?

There's no way he can change and win the heart of the OP.. Best thing is, they should divorce and find better happiness separately.

Hmmm...I honestly feel for your husband who has to has to live under the same roof with someone that doesn't love him. I also feel for you for living under the same roof with someone you think you don't love. As a matter of fact I think the problem is not you but your husband for loving you too much. If I were to be in your husband's shoes now, I give myself one month and you'd come begging for my love. Reverse psychology can actually reset your marriage if only your husband knows what to do...

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