adexpa:
The man agreed to allow your kids at first to achieve his selfishness, he accepted the offer because you are reasonably doing well financially and he needs such a man possibly because he cant fully bear whole family burden. He wouldn't have propose marriage suppose you are not doing well financially. It takes extra grace for man to assume someone else responsibility especially when the owner(ex-husban) is alive.

My advice;
1) Do not bring the boy home by force because the boy will face the same thing he is facing right now from man(he wouldn't love him n he will maltreat him at any chance). If he doesn't send you out, the home will not be perfect anymore because you have disobeyed him and took action by yourself.

2) Talk to him humbly(stupid all this I foot 70% while addressing your man) by making him realise that the boy is your joy and he can alone make you happy by allowing the boy..... Please with him
3) If you have done the above and the man insist, you can suggest to him separation, tell him you want your son and since he disagree, you need alternative. The two of you can talk on how to achieve that, either you have a separate place where he will be visiting or full separation.


The matter require diplomacy and not force.

I wish you the best

This isn't bad, some women have already turned this war at the end they will help her go back to her single state again and they won't be there to suffer or bear the consequences with her.

CeterisXVII:

He does not have any "out," in any sense. If that boy was his biological son, would he have abandoned him, because he misbehaved?

Why deprive a child of the chance to be raised, by his biological mother?

If the boy’s biological father can abandon him, I think anybody else can as well.

CeterisXVII:

Don't be silly. Was she living in another man's house, when her present husband met her? Didn't he know she had kids for the other man? If truly dowry was paid on her head, who says it cannot be returned?

And didn't the new husband promise that he would take care of her kids when they got married? Was he forced to marry her at gun point?

There are many Nigerians that take care of children of extended family relatives and send them to school, even though such children are not their own biological children. And those kids never forget it.

I know a man who died recently, and the biggest amount of money spent to give him a befitting burial came from those kids he raised in his house, and not even from his biological children. Those kids honoured him both in life, and in death.

So many of the big men you see today, did NOT grow up with their parents and they turned out well. Did they ignore their benefactors, when they finally made it? NO! Some of those kids, are even taking care of the biological children of the men, who trained them till today.

So what rubbbish are you talking about, by claiming they are raising another man's child?

Raising the boy by the man is a choice. You're talking as if you were there when they started the relationship. Have you heard from the husband yet. And why not reach out to Op and take the boy in question.

Jonathan:

You dey mind that mumu evening news paper?
Oyindindinrin

unimagin:
@Op
I'm very very mad at you. I don't know a befitting negative adjective to qualify you. Infact if I can see u now in person I must really really deal with you. Id.iot you want the innocent man to accept a thief that even your siblings rejected. God punish you

No be she break your heart. Yeye

Vyvyanvyvy:
Husband and I had a heated arguments only because he had seen a conversation I had earlier with my sister she was telling me not to neglect my son because of him and she is in support of me to go and pick him up this Sunday and I told her not to worry my son will come and stay in the house the same way as his siblings so he got angry that I went against him and still want to bring him over he was saying a lot of bad things about my son which made me raged and I told him my son is important than him If he doesn’t want him he is free to leave me I will manage okay with my children have said a lot of harsh things because he made me angry so he took his car key and left the house since 11 something pm and is still not yet back and I regret the harsh things that have said to him but he also deserved it for talking bad about my son a innocent 11 years old and I decided not to check on him or apologise. I’m tired of everything I don’t want to die of bp why can’t we just live in peace with all the children instead of him causing problems for me without thinking about my condition

No regret in this jungle keep a straight face and fight this battle

janvier27:


Don't ever be provoked to use harsh words on your husband. You should apologize please. Yes he failed you by not meeting up on your agreements, but he has good intentions. I'm just concerned about the boy because i have seen many of this kind of situation. I hope this will teach single fathers and single mothers to be more circumspect in taking marriage decisions, especially when kids are still young. Do all you can to keep your marriage. There are other lives involved here. I was going to suggest you involve a respected elder in the family to talk to your husband, but it appears he won't agree willingly or happily and that may also affect the boy's integration in the house. How i wish he would see it as an opportunity to do something great which not many people would do. He's already on it. Encourage him. Don't get carried away by the fact that you are financially independent. Sorry if you answered this somewhere in the thread, have you met his father's family to discuss the challenges with them and appeal for help? I was reluctant to suggest this earlier because you are in the best position to reform that child and he may not fare better with the father's family or even with a step mother. If however they can give him a home, you will then increase your presence around him and in his life. Someone made a suggestion about adoption. As strange as it sounds, i can assure you there are decent, successful families around that will be willing to take the boy in, and foster him. I wish you and your husband well in your decisions.

Lol @ don't use harsh words on your husband. Una too like respect and you earn it not by force. If you get on my nerves I serve it hot

franchasng:
you are wrong, women are wired differently.


Women don't see anything wrong in marrying a single father or marrying as second or 3rd wife. Ladies even prefer to marry older men to younger guys.


Ask yourself why don't men agree to marry a woman with husband already and live in same house with her and the first & second husbands

Everyday we read and hear about educated, mature, classy, rich career ladies and also poor, young, vulnerable, broke girls happily marrying men as 2nd or 3rd wives, do we hear or read same about men marrying ladies with husband as 2nd or 3rd husband living together


Women and men are wired to act, think, reason and respond to life issues differently, that is the diversity of human race; don't force men to be like women, and as a woman don't force yourself to be like men or act like men, these are the mistakes modern feminists and gender equality proponents are making today

When they say it's a man's world they beat themselves up, man will always be a man no matter how small he is.

CeterisXVII:

By calculation. I know men who have lost their jobs, and their women foot 100% of expenses in the home. It is not a new thing.....

It is not the norm.

Thetechhub:
Raising the boy by the man is a choice. You're talking as if you were there when they started the relationship. Have you heard from the husband yet. And why not reach out to Op and take the boy in question.

Which dirty choice? Was he blind when he met her? Why did the man AGREE to bring the children into their home, BEFORE he married the woman?? Is he trying to say that he didn't know she was a single mother with 2 kids, before he married her? The guy is a bloody opportunistic clown ......

Belafonte:
If the boy’s biological father can abandon him, I think anybody else can as well.

Anybody else.... in what sense? The mother is NOT willing to abandon the boy. She is ready, willing and able to raise her son.... so why can't the husband be reasonable, and give her a chance to do so?

Nairaland is the biggest forum in Nigeria and that makes it one of the biggest in Africa as well. If you don't think worse things than these happen everyday in a country of over 180 million people then you really are the gullible one.

I remember also commenting about a real life scenario on NL of how our family friend caught her husband in bed with her niece in her own house and everyone screamed fake story. You are really naive if you doubt the authenticity of most nairaland stories.

If I post my dad's kidnap story here you won't believe it as it may come across to you like a scene from a movie.
Also that a moniker is new doesn't mean it's a paid writer behind it. I could never post my real life with my actual moniker. Just saying.

TheArchangel:

https://www.nairaland.com/5728674/decision-right-wrong

The single father and wife story wahala
48hours later,
The single mother and husband story wahala.

Someone wants to keep me busy arguing over fake stories.

So a woman ceases to be independent (even though she actually is) once she gets married. Some of you are clearly daft.

eduman365:


Would you allow your own son marry an "after 2" ... Independence kwa? Even those who don't have kids are praying for good husbands. Accepting to wife a single mother is a very tough decision for any man... Don't bring that independence talk here... She for stay single na.

So her present home is more important than her own son ?

ladykolly:
Madam please take that your son out of that house, put him in a boarding school... to save your present home

movement2020:
Sure, that's the best but now that the man is not accepting, should we blame him. Depends on your view but I can't due to lots of factors. The child is facing the consequence and should we allow him to suffer? NO. We need to find an accommodation for him. The mother therefore should be responsible since the father is no where to be found.

I already proffer the two solutions in my earlier post.

Plead with the woman with help of woman power, relatives, close allies, Pastor et al.

We both know the father can still be found if necessary contacts are made. If not, let the boy go back to his relatives at least till the new father will accept.

Another useless advice. You people never read anything properly from the beginning. You always jump in to comment. The father is in Italy. Will you help the mother ship him to Italy?

The relatives have asked the mother to come and pick him. Why should the boy even live with relatives when his mother is still alive, and she is willing and able to take care of her son??

The new husband is just selfish. After all, the new husband AGREED BEFORE the marriage, to allow the boy live with them, but he has now changed his mind....in a hypocritical manner. Shame on him!

So what if neighbors ask? Do the neighbors feed him? If you had a child outside wedlock and your wife decides to do I hope you don't go calling her evil.

eduman365:


My dear, just take it easy on your husband. Whether or not you foot 70 or 100% of bills is not the issue. When that boy comes to live under the same roof with your husband, he is indirectly taking the responsibility of being his parent or guardian, which is not an easy task. This is not about money because when he lives with you guys, the neighbours would notice someone new, questions will arise, his friends will ask questions...

So it's a big mental battle for him as well, try not to see things from your own perspective alone. Can you put the boy in a good boarding school? That way he only needs to come home during holidays... At least if you tell your husband that, he should be willing to consider.

All the best dear.

Amberon11:
So her present home is more important than her own son ?

are you aware she still has children in her present home? Would you regard let her live the kids with her and go after the boy

Amberon11:
So her present home is more important than her own son ?

the boy been in a boarding school doesn’t mean he can’t visit his mum...
When he visits during holidays and his is of a good behavior, with that his stepfather can see differences in him and have a rethink

The Op's mentality is alright. Yours however needs to be checked.

GreenArrow1:


It will shock you the kind of homes some people come from and the lack of parental upbringing thereof.
I am saying this confidently because right now, there's one seated beside me whose mentality would rhyme very well with the OP's.

CeterisXVII:
i

You lie....! The man did NOT fund her shop. There' are many opportunistic men around these days, who latch on to women that are financially independent, in order to use them as a stepping stone for success. The woman also pays for the flat they live in...please go back and read through the preceding pages, before rushing in to comment. This is what she said:

Even clearer why the lady is bossy. After all na my mother open the shop for me.

Look, what is wrong with a woman bringing something into a marriage? When person nor go hear word?

99% of women marry up. Only very few rich girls will marry poor guys. In fact oyindidi and crew here don't expect poor men to even have an erection.

The answer is simple. Let her divorce the man and move on. No difference if moved on from one man or two men

M00N:
What happened to your Son's father?

Sending the child abroad for better opportunities would be better right?

Why should your husband father a child that isn't his?

You want him to pretend like he has four children?

You know He is married to your not your children?

The secret you don't know is that your husband isn't doing much for the children(including his own)he might be feeling like he is competing for your love because you've probably directed most of your love to your 6 year old daughter, and gave her special treatment in the house, he might not have accepted your son so he doesn't compete with him too

Another illogical mumu-ish advice. Read the story from beginning, page by page before rushing in to comment, like a toddler. The biological father is in Italy. He abandoned her with 2 kids, and left town!! Are you going to get an airline ticket for them to send the boy abroad??

A man marries a single mom and refuses to let her son live with them. Was he forced to marry her? How can you say he married only her, and not her kids? So why didn't he marry a woman WITHOUT any kids? Or don't they exist, anymore?

And this same man promised to let the boy stay with them after marriage, only to turn round and change his mind. He is a bloody opportunist who does not love his wife, at all.

When you love someone, their problems become your own, and you will help them look for a solution, in any way you can.

Trash!!

And women don't face same when their husbands impregnate their side chicks? Or what about women whose husbands later went on to marry second wives? Bloody braindead hypocrites.

dozzybreezy:

What a dumb statement to make.

Do you know the emotional troubles men face to know that their wives had children for other men not to talk of accommodating them?

I hope you will have your own children out of wed luck and start looking for another man to house them. Only then you will understand.

merahki:



Had to do this
This is a very wrong way to think
Save which home? Where is the home? What is home?

her other home is she has other kids so is not advisable to just leave. Putting him in a boarding school doesn’t mean he can’t come to visit...
Is just to make sure he son is a little safe, and still trying to create a peace in her husband heart to welcome the boy.
Remember two wrongs can’t make right

Just imagine marrying second hand man.

By the way do men who fornicate do so with other men?

silibaba:
still cant phantom why women cant stay away from premarital sex.

Just imagine marrying second hand woman

Is that how you intend to beg your wife to accept your own child into a home whose rent you pay?

akaahs:

u guyz are talking as if the man force her to marry him. she have every reason not to marry and stay put in taken care of her children. now that she got married to him, she have to keep begging him to consider her position on her son.

Would you hold such sentiments if it the rules were reversed such that it was a woman that didn't let her husband's child live with them?

wink2015:


Your contribution is quite helpful.

The man or husband feel insecure especially when he is traumatised with words from the wife such as my former husband, my ex etc

Blyzz:
you reason with emotions, a man reason with facts and figures. Thinking both positive and negative perspective of life. Your man might be stingy like you said, he probably might have supported you increase the items you sell or rather the services you render. If you tell me he didn't do anything for you, then what makes you accept him? I've been reading your comments as being independent, being independent takes a lot of factors as a woman. I'm not try to protect the man here, the truth is. On a faceless forum, one can say whosoever he/she wish abt their partner. If you're independent, I'd advice you take your two children from your elder brother who has done his best, take them to borden school, and make sure you don't quarry with your brother. It not easy for another woman to care for another man's child in her matrimonial home, while her own kids are still in the same roof. I don't know you in person, but I'm sure you gotta work on your character.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with her character. Stop trying to paint her in a bad light.

1). She was upfront and honest from the beginning. She told the man about her 2 kids, BEFORE she married him. She didn't deceive him or hide the truth. The man AGREED that the kids could stay with the after the marriage. This shows that she got his consent, before going ahead with the relationship.

2). She was NOT a financial burden on the man. She paid her 1st daughter's fees without the man's input, because he is not the father.

3). She is a responsible woman, who picks up 70% of the bills in the house. I know why she said it, because many people would have assumed she was a gold digger, if she didn't explain that part.

4). She is a good mother, who is concerned about the well-being of her children, and that is why she does not want to leave her son's upbringing permanently, to 3rd parties.

Yet, you are saying she does not have a good character? What else are you looking for? A female version of Angel Gabriel?

AreaFada2:
Even clearer why the lady is bossy. After all na my mother open the shop for me.

Look, what is wrong with a woman bringing something into a marriage? When person nor go hear word?

99% of women marry up. Only very few rich girls will marry poor guys. In fact oyindidi and crew here don't expect poor men to even have an erection.

The answer is simple. Let her divorce the man and move on. No difference if moved on from one man or two men

The way you men are always so quick to blame women for everything, is pathetic. Because she runs her own business, you have now labelled her as bossy.

If she didn't have her own shop, you would call her a gold digger or a scrounger who wants to live off the man.

She picks up a huge chunk of the house bills. Again, that is an offence in your eyes. She is damned if she does, and still damned if she doesn't.

You claim 90% of women marry up. Re-ea-ally? Maybe in the past, but not anymore. In this Naija of today? A woman is still waiting for a rich man? When all her mates are hitting 30 and 40 years in age? Na lie, o!

Many women marry guys that are not as rich as them, as long as they are fully convinced that such men have sincere love for them. I have seen countless versions of such relationships.

The girl or lady is often willing to defy her family, just to get the man she loves. Sometimes, she even gets pregnant so that her family is left with no choice, but to agree to her wedding plans.

In some cases, such relationships stand the test of time, and matures into something truly wonderful.

In some other cases, such relationships fall apart, because after the guy becomes successful, he now starts hunting for younger, beautiful and more psychedelic specimens of womanhood, to suit his new status.

That is when you start hearing ridiculous complaints from the man, about the same woman who struggled to help him get to the top.

Naija men need deliverance.... I swear!

Dexlomo:
I guess I am a bit different because I do not see much difference except he as the head of the home wants to let them know they are.

I have friends whose one parent had kids outside of wedlock and the only indicator in most cases are the different surnames.

More so, growing up, we had different relatives who lived with us and I have neighbors in same situation and we do not see ourselves different.

For most of my brothers and sisters, people find it hard to understand we are not related but my community was tight and knit. We never learned segregation and I would do all to ensure I do not segregate as well.

God bless you big time, every single day!! I have seen those who would gladly bring up kids of extended family members, for many years....and those kids turned out well.

I don't know why the children of wickedness are now saying a mother must not be allowed to bring home, her biological son to care for him!

CeterisXVII:

Another useless advice. You people never read anything properly from the beginning. You always jump in to comment. The father is in Italy. Will you help the mother ship him to Italy?

The relatives have asked the mother to come and pick him. Why should the boy even live with relatives when his mother is still alive, and she is willing and able to take care of her son??

The new husband is just selfish. After all, the new husband AGREED BEFORE the marriage, to allow the boy live with them, but he has now changed his mind....in a hypocritical manner. Shame on him!

I didn't even read your message before replying. I don't respond to myopic and those who fail to read and understand rather throw tantrums because they are be clouded by words.

To your statement -

The woman did not state the location of her Ex at the first instance. I was the one that asked questions before she started voicing out. You can read from page 1 before you start throwing tantrums

wanger50:
Your husband could be right.I have seen my neighbour's wife daughter from a previous relationship come to damage his two younger daughters.From the point of view of a man,it's either your husband married you out of poverty, ignorance or a lack of foresight.You should be eternally thankful to him rather

Another nonsensical comment. Be grateful to him for what? Is he doing her a favour by marrying her? What brand of weed induced statement is this one??

Amberon11:
So a woman ceases to be independent (even though she actually is) once she gets married. Some of you are clearly daft.

Your uncles are daft...