Psoul:
She will prefer to listen to those ppl telling her that her husband is wicked and heartless.
Those that will be hailing her and be calling her independent woman.
And to those that will tell her to go and bring in the boy weda the man likes it or not that once the boy comes in, the man will agree by force.
They will fail to tell her the problems that will bring into the family.
They will fail to tell her that the action will trigger hatred from the man to the boy, which will make the man never to accept the boy in his heart even if he allows hin to stay in the house by force.

The woman has already concluded that she will go there this Sunday and bring back the boy.
She thinks it's an issue of how much money she has.

Ok, so she should throw the child out on the street, so that her husband will not feel offended, right?

After all you feel the well being of a 12 year old kid, is not important, but the anger of her adult husband, (who knew about the child's existence before he married the mum) is the most serious thing here. ..

Waoh, this post shows the hypocrisy of some men. Thank God we still have men with brain here. I grew up with 3boys, most of them were stealing at age 12 to 17, my mom didn't chase them away. In fact, my father made our second son his cashier. So many of you guys stole when you were that age and you are still stealing, yet you feel very comfortable writing off a 12years old child. I thank God for the poster, sound and strong woman, you know what you want. Please run and go for your son, he is your blood. Mother's are giving it all for their damaged kids here on this post how much more your young son. You see why every woman needs to be financially stable, you can't have money and be receiving shits. The man would have messed you up if he was in charge financially, a man that saw a single mom, went to marry her with the pretense that he loves the kids, he thought he is sharp, typical lazy Nigerian youth, he wanted to eat his cake and have it. He came to a stable woman who he can use to dodge poverty, typical scammer and he has the effrontery to judge a 12years old boy. Ndi Uchu, marriage gbakwa oku. Opa amu, apa ego fa, he is forming anger and driving out. Don't beg, napu ya motor awa, Ona aya motor.

movement2020:
Read up and see where I asked few questions about her background. The age of the kids, location of her Ex et al. This questions laid foundation to how you got to know her Ex is out the country and all sorts.

I am a social worker, background check is the first thing we do, which I did. I advised accordingly. When you handle issue like this, you don't allow words to becloud you. With her few responses and conclusion, she is ready to make her children the priority rather than her marriage.

In your own view, don't be judgmental or gender sensitive or sentimental, which one would you advise a woman to make her priority?

You don't conclude for a client, you lay down options, which I did. She refused all options available and decided to opt for her choice which is not bad either but I am more concerned on the future consequences especially for the kids.

See, any marriage in this era that breakdown, the children suffer a lot. You can do your research. In SW, what we do is to see how to reduce the suffering of the kids. That I focused more on but the woman is adamant, she wants the boy to be with her. Is that the way marital issues should be handled?

Let's agree that the man is wrong for not accepting, he knows why and has reservations about it. It is understandable. The actions of the boy and staying with two young girls can be dangerous. Nobody prays for bad stuff but if it happens, the kids would not forgive both parents.

Do not create another problem. Patience is what the woman requires. Let me be factual with you, if the woman can drop the man's number, I can assure that the issue would be resolved. All we need to do is assure the man that everything would be fine. The woman has not exhausted that link and she's using force, is that right?

You want or advise her to divorce or separate again?

The problem with a lot of you people commenting on the OP's post, is that you have not been following the whole story from page 1 to the end.

You just jump into the middle of one page, and start asking questions that have already been answered several times before

The boy is 12, his biological sister is 6, his step sister is about 2 years old, and the mother is currently pregnant with the 4th kid. You are saying the boy's stay in the house will be dangerous. He is only 12, not even a teenager yet.

He needs love, care and supervision. The mom's new husband promised to bring all her kids into their home to live with them, but after taking in the girl, he refused to let the boy live with them.

Yet, the issue of the kids was discussed extensively before they got married, and his consent was given. The mom would NOT have married him, if he had refused to have anything to do with the kids.

Now what is the next step? Do you expect her to leave her son on the street, simply because her new husband will not allow him to live with them? The biological father abandoned the mother and 2 kids to go to Italy. Nobody knows where he is....

AreaFada2:
Look, I have a family friend who is a highly qualified professional. She has refused her ex-man seeing their kids. She still cannot point out what this man did wrong. Everyone sought to reconcile them but no way. This guy has tried to remain in touch but she has used her status to frustrate his efforts. He paid mostly for her training. We all saw it. And of course no contact with the ex-hubby's family. She thinks giving material stuff to the kids is all that matters. Even in diaspora.

Many of us here are not kids. We can draw on decades of experience, either professionally or in private life or both.

Women can be very vindictive when they break up. When some parents are against marriage and they go ahead anyway, the couple tend to do a lot to stick together. They work even harder on their marriage.

No way the entire family can resent a new woman in the family. She must be able to connect with at least one or two. We do not live in a vacuum, we live real lives, with real families and in-laws.

I am not changing my mouth. I insist that the vast majority of women marry up. Most only manage whoever comes along if no choice. On NL, many SE ladies unashamedly tell us that a poor man should forget marriage or erection. I like their honesty.

Let's not pretend that women do not preferentially seek rich guys. They do. Why do so many women have sugar daddies? Even some married women?
Fact remains same however much you do pocket lawyer.

The hubby doesn't want to bring in the troublesome son of another man. Instead of condemning him here one day for hitting and killing his step-son.
He's an honest man. Do not start what what could to lead to a tragedy.

Please cut the crap. Because you know one woman who refused to let her ex-husband or his family see the kids, does NOT mean most women in her shoes, would do the same, or are even doing the same thing.

Secondly, the single mom made her status clear, before marrying her new husband. And he agreed to bring them in to live with them. He AGREED to having her son under his roof.

If he knew he didn't want the child living with them, he should NOT have married a single mum. The lady said it clearly that if she had known he would change his mind, then she would NOT have married him.

Women in Nigeria are now looking for sincere men to settle down with. He does not have to be rich, he only has to love them, stay faithful, remain honest and should NOT be a liability.

Almost every month in Lagos, over the past few years, I see Naija women in their '30s and '40s marrying down. It has become the new normal. No one frowns at it, anymore. The only criteria is that the guy must have his own job, and fend for himself.

Some babes even sponsor their own weddings, with minimal contribution from the guy. So please get those outdated ideas out of your brain.

As for the new husband of that single mom .....he is nothing more than a pretentious opportunist.

He made a promise to the woman and reneged on it. Where does he expect the 12 year old boy to go? Does he expect the woman to abandon him on the street?

He knows fully well that the boy's biological father abandoned the woman and her 2 kids, to run to Italy, and has never contacted them. He might even be in prison, or could be married to an Italian or could be dead. Who knows?

As for his family, how come they never bothered about the welfare' of her two kids, since she left them several years back, due to maltreatment?

Even if she is on good terms with one or more members of the man's family, can those ones take her child in without maltreating him? What is the guarantee? At the end of the day, the boy will remain estranged from his mum, and may even resent her for life! He may even turn into a deviant, a cultist or criminal without the right monitoring or supervision.

That is what she is trying to prevent, by making sure he grows up with her in her own home.

Belafonte:
You do not have the contact of the father of your children, but you think the problem is your new husband. I comment my reserve Biko.

Ode, I had a neighbor in America whose husband left her with six kids and left no trace. He probably abandoned them in the Country and never returned. They did not have his number and got to know about his death years after he divorced his second wife. Keep up with your judging and watch yourself get judged one day too.

Na WA o. So it's now a crime for her to want her child under her roof. Your daughter will soon face the same predicament. You are wicked.

Richy4:
Your siblings that are your relatives doesn't want the boy but you want your husband that is not your relative to accept the boy
You should learn to attend to your responsibilities and mistakes. Don't drag your mistakes to that innocent man. He has done more than enough for you.

Marrying a Nigerian girl with two children(not even one) is not what every man can do. That man deserves peace and respect from you.



Haba!! U are acting as if he was doing her a favor by marrying her.. That mentality is so rustic in my opinion

AreaFada2:


Look, I have a family friend who is a highly qualified professional. She has refused her ex-man seeing their kids. She still cannot point out what this man did wrong. Everyone sought to reconcile them but no way. This guy has tried to remain in touch but she has used her status to frustrate his efforts. He paid mostly for her training. We all saw it. And of course no contact with the ex-hubby's family. She thinks giving material stuff to the kids is all that matters. Even in diaspora.

Many of us here are not kids. We can draw on decades of experience, either professionally or in private life or both.

Women can be very vindictive when they break up. When some parents are against marriage and they go ahead anyway, the couple tend to do a lot to stick together. They work even harder on their marriage.

No way the entire family can resent a new woman in the family. She must be able to connect with at least one or two. We do not live in a vacuum, we live real lives, with real families and in-laws.

I am not changing my mouth. I insist that the vast majority of women marry up. Most only manage whoever comes along if no choice. On NL, many SE ladies unashamedly tell us that a poor man should forget marriage or erection. I like their honesty.

Let's not pretend that women do not preferentially seek rich guys. They do. Why do so many women have sugar daddies? Even some married women?
Fact remains same however much you do pocket lawyer.

The hubby doesn't want to bring in the troublesome son of another man. Instead of condemning him here one day for hitting and killing his step-son.
He's an honest man. Do not start what what could to lead to a tragedy.

Keep yarning senseless trash until some hopelessly useless mor.on turns your unfortunate daughter into a baby mama. Na that time you go know how koboko dey be for body. Wicked bull d*ng.

Digmygold:
Ode, I had a neighbor in America whose husband left her with six kids and left no trace. He probably abandoned them in the Country and never returned. They did not have his number and got to know about his death years after he divorced his second wife. Keep up with your judging and watch yourself get judged one day too.

Thank you for telling him the truth, jaré. See the way they keep blaming women for everything, while pretending that the man is an angel.

CeterisXVII:

Ok, so she should throw the child out on the street, so that her husband will not feel offended, right?

After all you feel the well being of a 12 year old kid, is not important, but the anger of her adult husband, (who knew about the child's existence before he married the mum) is the most serious thing here. ..

Psoul STFU. If na you be the pikin papa and you remarry you will want your new wife to treat your son like a king. Bunch of heartless hypocrites.

Nobleking1994:


you have been aggressive in your response to peoples comment here.

cant you see where she wrote that she left there family house when her child was just two weeks because of maltreatment from mother in law meaning she syill knows the contact of the mans family but vehemently refused to go back to the mans family and relatives.

Honestly if I had a gun I would lend it to her
We need more “aggressiveness” to make people see evil for what it is, and stop hiding behind the gender insecurity that is on fleek on this thread

movement2020:


From this, it is understandable why your husband is not accepting the boy. He might have learnt some attitude which may affect your litltle daughter putting into consideration the present incest and all sorts all around.

However, I would advise two options.

Try and get the contact of your ex or any of their siblings to hand over the boy to them.

Use your woman power to plead and assure your husband to accept the boy. You can also use his friends, relatives and parents to drive home your plea.

If the boy was the man's son would he throw him away?

Belafonte:


This is really difficult to believe. Even his family refused to have anything to do with you with two children/grandchildren? Wonderful.

Sh*t happens.

There's one Ubunja moniker on this forum. He gets women pregnant, dupes them of their hard earned money and takes a walk because senseless idiots will always think it's the woman's fault. Good thing is Karma is teaching him a lesson. Worse thing is this animal was brought up by a single mother, hates his father like hell yet his past time is the raw wickedness of turning innocent women into single mothers.

Digmygold:
Psoul STFU. If na you be the pikin papa and you remarry you will want your new wife to treat your son like a king. Bunch of heartless hypocrites.

Please check my moniker again. I am not Psoul. You quoted me wrongly.

[quote author=Oriyomin25 post=87386935][/quote]

Even if she does, is she going to force the child on them? So you think it's right for her to leave her child to those he sees as strangers and not allow him under her own roof? Your daughter go soon turn baby mama.

Davash222:

He's already treating the girl as his own flesh and blood. He's only being careful to protect the girls.
The father of the boy is alive, isn't it wise for the woman to take the boy to his father??

It's paedos that usually reason the way you do.

Davash222:

Coco, he doesn't have any babymama, he's a responsible man.

Unlike Ubunja lol

martowskin1:


Funny how u all attack the man, but not the father who ran away from his responsibilities. The man hold that child nothing. He have father and his father have families.

The boy won't answer his name, what are u guys saying

He tried enough to even accept one of the kids.

The solution is, send the boy to boarding school, during holidays he can come home spend few weeks and go back to school.

But if na the man born ten pickin outside marriage you will say the wife should treat the children as her own. Heartless people.

Op, you are financially stable. Dump him, take his kids away from him and let him also feel the pain of not having his kids under his roof. Then he will reset his dead brain. Nonsense.

martowskin1:


From the initial story, they were living in a small apartment, which can't contain all of them... So she asked her brother to take care of the boy for him why she and her husband and her little girl manage the little apartment.

Now things got better and they moved to a bigger apartment, with the issue the boy is having with her brother, she now wanted the boy to return since apartment is now big.

But the husband refuse base on the fact that the boy is now a baggage with different character he could harm their girls with.

But this woman didn't tell us the option the man gave her since he can't accept the son into his home.

A man who could accept one of her kids and base on the fact he agreed initially b4 condition changed won't reject the boy without giving other option to explore.

She just gave us a one sided story... All to gain pity and paint the man evil.

Is obvious she is getting all that, but people like us are standing for the husband even though he is not here to tell his own story

You better stop standing for the man before one useless mo. ron turns your unfortunate daughter into a baby mama. It's called Karma.

martowskin1:


Is not compulsory to stand in the kitchen after all he is no the one that started the fire

It's your type that will go and give one olosho belle and bring the bastard home to your wife to nurture as her own child. You will then blame her for "starting the fire" by nagging too much over your cheating sexcapades which made you go and get olosho pregnant. You will also expect her to forgive you without blinking an eyelid or uttering a word God punish all of una.

Ubunja replicas.

CeterisXVII:

Yes, your children will leave when they grow older, but will not cut ties with you, and will end up looking after you, in your old age.

But your spouse, is a different case. If any psychedelic babe walks in front of him, he can forget that he took marital vows and will look for excuses to break up with you. Haven't you seen such things happening over and over again, in the past??

Grow up and receive sense, abeg! And stop throwing fits like a retar'ded toddler.

maybe your dad did that ..my family was different. My mum took my dad clearly above us.ie food, clothing, respect, authority....my dad was simply the head of the home and my mum made us follow his rules even in death. Si well we know with your mentality it may be difficult to get a proposal, but when and if you start a damily we would see if youd remember your parents b4 your family..... kid

revolt:
maybe your dad did that ..my family was different. My mum took my dad clearly above us.ie food, clothing, respect, authority....my dad was simply the head of the home and my mum made us follow his rules even in death. Si well we know with your mentality it may be difficult to get a proposal, but when and if you start a damily we would see if youd remember your parents b4 your family..... kid

You know nothing about me, so don't jump to wrong conclusions.

It is obvious you have zero respect for your own Dad, that is why you can make such callous references about the character of someone else's Dad.

My late Dad was an exemplary father who died a few years back. Guess what?

It was us - the kids he and my mum had, that came to his rescue when he fell ill, and also took care of his widow my dear mum, when he passed on.

I have seen beautiful examples of happy families and togetherness, which is why I hate the idea of someone alienating his or her kids, just to please a spouse.

This is Africa. Your children are your old age investment.

If you ignore them to please a spouse, and that spouse leaves or dies....who will you fall back upon for support?

Use your head, please. Stop parroting ridiculous examples.

CeterisXVII:

You know nothing about me, so don't jump to wrong conclusions.

It is obvious you have zero respect for your own Dad, that is why you can make such callous references about the character of someone else's Dad.

My late Dad was an exemplary father who died a few years back. Guess what?

It was us - the kids he and my mum had, that came to his rescue when he fell ill, and also took care of his widow my dear mum, when he passed on.

I have seen beautiful examples of happy families and togetherness, which is why I hate the idea of someone alienating his or her kids, just to please a spouse.

This is Africa. Your children are your old age investment.

If you ignore them to please a spouse, and that spouse leaves or dies....who will you fall back upon for support?

Use your head, please. Stop parroting ridiculous examples.

madam you dont have to alienate or ignore the kids before your spouse can come first. Whether africa or Asia, if you dont put your spouse 1st, the kids will even be forced to choose btw both parents at old age based on who they think favored them more. So your dad took you guys first above his wife or vice versa....... madam grow up.

My lesson from this thread is that many people are still looking for who to blame for own failings. Sure, it makes us feel good about ourselves.

We all fail in different ways. It can't just be not taking signs of things ahead seriously. Being naive or failing to see things from different perspectives before committing ourselves.

People can either tell you the bitter truth as they see it or hypocritically deceive you. Those who deceive don't love you more. They just make it more difficult for you to own your mistakes, poor decisions and fate graciously. We must own our mistakes and failures, not just our successes.

In life, nobody owes us anything once our parents have raised us. Even marriage guarantees nothing these days. Not the type our parents and grandparents had. It's every man for himself. Limit the number of kids you have. Do not rush into marriage. Consider your economic situation and talk finances before marriage.

Nothing should be left un-discussed.

Nobody owes you anything. Not friends, not relatives, not in-laws. Not even those you have helped in the past. Let any help come as a bonus or surprise.

Insure yourself and your family if feasible where you reside. To cover your family if the unthinkable happens.

Be positive. Be conciliatory.

Waiting to hear music to your ears may sound nice but ultimately of no help. Many will come with messages. You cannot attack every messenger. Take the message that address your situation. Discard those that don't.

Good luck.

Davash222:

Poco will always condemn men. It’s in her trait.

Most Nigerian men deserves condemnation you guys suck!

Digmygold:
Op, you are financially stable. Dump him, take his kids away from him and let him also feel the pain of not having his kids under his roof. Then he will reset his dead brain. Nonsense.

You rock!!

Sarang:


Divorce won’t ruin anything!
Abandoning her kids would!
There is no responsible child who grows up especially Africans and abandons their parents who contributed to their upbringing!!
A parent is responsible for her child.
Who are you abandoning it for!
What nonsense marriage!!

@ Sarang


No one is telling the OP to abandon her kids but to work things out for the good of the family. What is best for her might not be necessarily good for the kids. One must becareful in what decision he or she takes.

His son is as important as his Husband. The love must be spread equally. She should continue to look for ways for his husband to accept his son into the family it very important no matter how you look at it.

Let be honest with ourselves the OP son is having behavioral and social problems due to the initial separation between her mom and his dad. He is yet to get to withdrawals mode where he will lock himself out on everyone. He needs a proper family that will show him love that's has both the mom and a dad not just the mom.

One notable trend about divorce I have come to see around as fact is that, when children grow seeing a marriage fail, they develop doubts about love and harmony in a relationship. They have trust issues and find it challenging to resolve conflicts in a relationship. Such children, as adults, will start any relationship with a negative mindset. I hope you don't want that for your kids. I am speaking as fact I don't do opinion shit! (And by the way children could learn from their parent mistakes and become better but who has time to wait for you when at the back of your mind life expectancy in this part of the world is less than 50 years. No time to check time!)

Your kids or children are not your meal ticket when you grow old that is a selfish act. They will have responsibilities to their families, please less the burden. That's why I said your kid are not your future build yours, plan for your old age.

Also I am not saying a proper family doesnt have their own problems but you have to choose either to be in the pan or in the fire. This decision only the OP can make. Marriage is bae no matter how you it term it as useless abi are you a product of a fail marriage?

Sarang:


Most Nigerian men deserves condemnation you guys suck!

You keep seeking for my attention with your reckless mentions. Am I owing you?

Digmygold:


But if na the man born ten pickin outside marriage you will say the wife should treat the children as her own. Heartless people.

Fortunately for the man, he didn't... So wait till he did...

U don't expect people to accept ur every baggage because of ur life wrong choices in life.

Davash222:

You keep seeking for my attention with your reckless mentions. Am I owing you?

Cos you keep typing trash!

Akara winner ni....l blame the man for marrying a woman with 2 kids already. Some men joke too much. If she is a buns winner why is she trying to force another man's child unto the man?

Amberon11:
This woman is the breadwinner yet you dare call her lazy.
Mumu.

Vyvyanvyvy:

Thanks for nice advice. You are right my son has become a thief due to the way my sister in law has being treating him , depriving him from food and many bad things the boy had no other choice than to steel. Since I’m alive I want him to be with me and I will take good care of him

good decision
And please stick to it cos your boy is getting older
You don't need to be under a man at the expense of your kids cos if that boy becomes a rogue tomorrow know it in your heart that you failed him
He can even be of help to you... He is 12!
Theres so much a 12 year old boy can do to relieve you of stress. Please don't allow strangers raise your child
What if he gets tempted ourside and gets killed?
You never forgive yourself