yeyeosoronga:


She hasn't come to solicit for funds from you or anyone else on NL, so why are you asking her for a financial plan?
Do you want to give her money as laid upon your heart by the Almighty?
You can send her a PM if your mind is asking you to give her children something from the bottom of your heart.
Remember she is a full grown woman with 3 children and another on the way. She sounds like a reasonable mother.
She has her own business she is running.
I think she will be fine providing for her children.
They will not starve and if living in a bigger apartment is costing too much, she can move to a smaller one to save costs.

I wanna buy you a drink!

yeyeosoronga:


What danger or dire situation is her daughter in, that she needed to be protected from in the marriage? How has the husband proven his daughter is more important than the marriage?
By taking the child away from the mother and leaving her with an aunty?

At second bolded, should the husband have kicked out/removed the pregnancy and not left it in her?

You give very strange interpretations to events

I am in legit awe.
“I dunno how she does it”

loveymom:
Please to the OP's Husband,

Oga if you are reading this thread, I plead with you to go back home with your daughter and mend your broken family. A true leader does not run away from conflicts but find ways to fix it.

Your wife might have taken the wrong approach to bring her son home, but please overlook it and correct her so that your family can move forward.

For the sake of your little girl whose mother is alive and your unborn child whom I believe you will want to be involved in his or her life, go back home.

God has blessed you and will continue blessing you, don't use your own hand to tear it apart. Two wrongs can't make things right. Be the bigger person and direct your family to the right path.

May God bless you as you make wise decision on this matter.


To you Vyvyanvyvy,
Madam please stop updating the thread, dont give some people the privilege to insult and ridicule you and your husband.

Instead of praying that God should punish your husband, you can ask God to Soften his heart so that he can come home with your daughter.

Please don't stress your mind and body much because of your pregnancy. Pray for safe delivery, your kids need you alive. So stay strong.

You can reach out to your husband on phone and ask him to come back home. You both should drop your ego and pride for the sake of your kids.

I wish you safe delivery

Please remove your children's picture here, it makes no sense exposing them to the world.

Thank you so much for the advice , I really appreciate it. God bless you

merahki:

Back to your post
I called another person who is a Nairalander because she is “verified”. She also has sleuth skills and etc. So I was calling on a strong woman who can gather other strong people like her and I will join them and see if we can really empower the OP. You didn’t read my post well, maybe because you already find me not okay in the head . I am ready to help is the point of my post, but I know a group effort would make a bigger bang, you know? (Well you dunno). So I called another.
Now find a way to make peace with this cos it might happen

Now I am doubly sure you are not okay.

1. For going back to respond with this explanation no one asked for to a post you had already responded to, probably because you had a rethink and realized your fumble.

And,

2. For still waiting for group action before you support her with your widow's mite which shows how unserious you are as a person.

You don't even know if the OP needs your help because I see where you are cheering the other girl regarding a comment where she's claiming Vivian doesn't need any funds. If you are even going to do your thing with your group in private, then why are you announcing your intentions here?

You are most definitely not okay.

Please don't quote me again

Romangalactic:

Now I am doubly sure you are not okay.

1. For going back to respond with this explanation no one asked for to a post you had already responded to, probably because you had a rethink and realized your fumble.

And,

2. For still waiting for group action before you support her with your widow's mite which shows how unserious you are as a person.

You don't even know if the OP needs your help because I see where you are cheering the other girl regarding a comment where she's claiming Vivian doesn't need any funds. If you are even going to do your thing with your group in private, then why are you announcing your intentions here?

You are most definitely not okay.

Please don't quote me again

Gosh dear, darling, you, you have zero sense of humour.
Nada.
Zilch.
Notin.
Kosi nkoko.
Chaa chaa.
If being okay translated to being as humourless and cheerless and angry as you? I would happily go through life stark raving mad

Meanwhile you completely misunderstood my initial post...in your angry quest to come and show your correcting/reprimanding skills. You also want me to “give” to your satisfaction? What would I not see on Nairaland, hehehehehehe.
That “do not quote me again” line is very boring especially as you mentioned me first? I was minding my business, on my not okay lane, and you swooped in on my post, in your “very sane”manner and proceeded to suck the life out of my living life with your cheerlessness.
I leave you to stew the more...you, you crashing bore

Vyvyanvyvy:


Thank you so much for the advice , I really appreciate it. God bless you

And may God bless you too and put smile on your face. It shall end in praise for you, amen.

Take care and stay strong.

merahki:

Gosh dear, darling, you, you have zero sense of humour.
Nada.
Zilch.
Notin.
Kosi nkoko.
Chaa chaa.
If being okay translated to being as humourless and cheerless and angry as you? I would happily go through life stark raving mad

Meanwhile you completely misunderstood my initial post...in your angry quest to come and show your correcting/reprimanding skills. You also want me to “give” to your satisfaction? What would I not see on Nairaland, hehehehehehe.
That “do not quote me again” line is very boring especially as you mentioned me first? I was minding my business, on my not okay lane, and you swooped in on my post, in your “very sane”manner and proceeded to suck the life out of my living life with your cheerlessness.
I leave you to stew the more...you, you crashing bore

You talk too much.

I am not your entertainment.

yeyeosoronga:
What danger or dire situation is her daughter in, that she needed to be protected from in the marriage? How has the husband proven his daughter is more important than the marriage?
By taking the child away from the mother and leaving her with an aunty?

At second bolded, should the husband have kicked out/removed the pregnancy and not left it in her?

You give very strange interpretations to events.

Don't mind her. I don't understand how educated and presumably intelligent people, find it so hard to see the simple truth for what it is.

I believe firmly in marriage. But for goodness sake, it takes TWO people with a common vision, sincerity and purpose, to make it work!

It takes both partners giving 100% of themselves to the union.

When that marriage now becomes a continuous source of unhappiness and distress, then please kindly re-examine your options and destiny, before going further.

Part of the reason why this woman's case is so moving, is that some women out there, are searching desperately for children day and night, but have not been given the privilege of being a mother.

Now this single mum has a son, (in addition to 2 other kids) yet her so-called husband, wants her to abandon the child, simply to satisfy his souless ego. How sad.

Please if any woman has a problem, and yet her husband is unwilling (not unable, o!) to help her resolve that problem, or provide solutions, that would at least give her peace of mind....then sorry, that woman does not have a husband. She has a caretaker or a roommate. The same applies to men.

If a man has a problem, yet his wife is unwilling to help him resolve that problem or find solutions to it, then sorry....your marriage is a sham!

Helping each other is called support. Support does NOT have to be financial.

By taking their toddler away from her, when he knows quite well that she is pregnant with his child, this so-called husband has shown that he is manipulative and petty.

merahki:
Gosh dear, darling, you, you have zero sense of humour.
Nada.
Zilch.
Notin.
Kosi nkoko.
Chaa chaa.
If being okay translated to being as humourless and cheerless and angry as you? I would happily go through life stark raving mad

Meanwhile you completely misunderstood my initial post...in your angry quest to come and show your correcting/reprimanding skills. You also want me to “give” to your satisfaction? What would I not see on Nairaland, hehehehehehe.
That “do not quote me again” line is very boring especially as you mentioned me first? I was minding my business, on my not okay lane, and you swooped in on my post, in your “very sane”manner and proceeded to suck the life out of my living life with your cheerlessness.
I leave you to stew the more...you, you crashing bore

See finishing! Chai, you just take style scatter the guy?

Oyindidi:
They will soon cry their eyes out cos of this post. Let me bring the bucket for their tears

That bucket is too small. The husband's supporters' club, are plenty. A steel tank that can contain many gallons of water....oh sorry....tears, is needed.

CeterisXVII:

Don't mind her. I don't understand how educated and presumably intelligent people, find it so hard to see the simple truth for what it is.

I believe firmly in marriage. But for goodness sake, it takes TWO people with a common vision, sincerity and purpose, to make it work!

It takes both partners giving 100% of themselves to the union.

When that marriage now becomes a continuous source of unhappiness and distress, then please kindly re-examine your options and destiny, before going further.

Part of the reason why this woman's case is so moving, is that some women out there, are searching desperately for children day and night, but have not been given the privilege of being a mother.

Now this single mum has a son, (in addition to 2 other kids) yet her so-called husband, wants her to abandon the child, simply to satisfy his souless ego. How sad.

Please if any woman has a problem, and yet her husband is unwilling (not unable, o!) to help her resolve that problem, or provide solutions, that would at least give her peace of mind....then sorry, that woman does not have a husband. She has a caretaker or a roommate. The same applies to men.

If a man has a problem, yet his wife is unwilling to help him resolve that problem or find solutions to it, then sorry....your marriage is a sham!

Helping each other is called support. Support does NOT have to be financial.

By taking their toddler away from her, when he knows quite well that she is pregnant with his child, this so-called husband has shown that he is manipulative and petty.

I highly doubt the bolded, I've been looking at that moniker for sometime and I've discovered that it's a man behind it, don't let the pink f fool you.

Everything that person has said has been in the utmost favor of the man, the moniker even laughed at you for showing sympathy for the op. No woman is that heartless, it's a man.

Vyvyanvyvy:


Yes I am very happy to have my son , I feel good that I did not abandon him just for a man who never love me , he just come to my life for the world to see him as a hero for marrying me a single mother of 2. I have no gained anything in this marriage , it’s better for me to be a single mother than to reject my blood and flesh. I know it will not be easy but God will help me to raise my children all alone , I thank God I have my shop something that fetched me money , my children will never starved of anger , they will go to school as usual and nothing will change. For now all I want is for him to bring my child back to me because he cannot take care of her , at the moment my child is with his sister so what’s the point of taking her away from me then to abandon her with his sister ? The same sister that cannot even love her own blood and flesh so is she gonna love my child too? If he wanted to take care of his daughter on his own why can’t he rent a place and take care of her ? He did it because he taught by doing so , I will send my son on the street so I can beg him to come back home , never , all I’m begging him to do is to bring back my child , she is the one that I need , I don’t need him , he can go ahead and remarry , it will not shake me . You and others can rain insults on me but let me tell you one thing , all your insult doesn’t bother me , I’m not regretting loosing my marriage because I did what any true mother in my position would have do in my shoe. Like said my son will always be first no matter what. Let me attached the picture of the 3 people that gives me happiness my children my life.

Wow! See beautiful children that God has blessed you with. This children shall be a source of joy to you and all that you need to take care of them God Almighty will provide for you. Thank you so much for not abandoning your son ,please train him and his siblins in the right path and the good lord shall reward your efforts over them.

Please plead with your husband to bring back your daughter(she is to young to be seperated from you) involve the elderly ones in your famillies or any concerned person to wade into this issue.

Please ignore every negativity as you can see a lot of people commenting here don't have a child not to talk of children and therefore do not know what it feels like.

Relax God is in control and he makes everything beautiful in his own time.


For the OP husband..... My advice for you is that You have a beautiful family ,don't let pride,anger or ego deprive you of what you have.Go back home and reunite with your family. Decide in your heart to be a good father to ALL your children and you shall forever gain the love and respect of your wife and the peace of God shall reign in your home.

Vyvyanvyvy:


Thank you so much for the advice , I really appreciate it. God bless you

I agree with you that your children are important but also think of both sides.

In the future, all your children will get married and leave. Some may also travel out of the country for schooling or work.
Then you will be alone. It is never good to be alone...!

God will help you to resolve all the problems.
Am wishing your son a safe place with you but also to have peace with your husband.
Both are still possible.

Can you PM me your contact details, i might be able to help you hoping it brings peace on both sides.
I need to talk both to you & your husband offline and also offer some help.

If someone tells you that he/she has a perfect marriage, just know right away that he/she is a great liar.
Couples fight and fight badly for that matter, but it's the ability to revise ones stand, communicate with respect, and be honest with each other, that determines the survival of any marital relationship.
If you remove pride and arrogance in your marital relationship, the marriage is already 90% promising, stable, peaceful and can thus, stand the test of time.
Invest in your marriage through giving, talking and compromising here and there.
Your business as a stakeholder should be what to do to make your home peaceful and stable for you, your spouse, and your children's enjoyment.
Stop running to 3rd parties who equally have their own challenges they are probably hiding and managing. You may end up getting nothing positive or helpful from such friends, family members, church/mosque members, and colleagues to whom you are exposing or trading what should be the secrets of your home.
Broken home is like a war. No party goes uninjured. Each party goes with an injury they nurse for the rest of their lives. That is the reality. Whichever party claims unaffected/uninjured is a chronic liar, chronic pretender, and an unrepentant soul, l mean he/she is stone hearted. Such a person has no idea of what a good home should be. He/she is ignorant of the positive impact of unbroken relationship on the home itself, the community, the church/mosque congregation, and the society at large.
No amount of success in life could compensate for failure at home. Ensure that your home is not scattered. Repair it now before it is too late.
If your home is experiencing separation now, ensure that you shed your pride and compromise to arrest it from drifting to a broken home.
Stop narrating your home affairs around to seek sympathy. Most people you have taken your story to, and are supporting you, are in their own homes, keeping their homes intact, sympathising with you, while you are already out of your own home.
To be sincere with you, what you will be treated to outside your home will not be what you bargained for. Think now and go back. May God help and bless you.
In marriages, we are all managing each other and there is no perfect marriage and till death, couples must continue to manage each other.
If your marriage will last, manage your spouse, there is no perfect marriage out there.
I have come to understand that marriages in our contemporary society are faced with diverse challenges, ranging from financial limitations to sexual challenges. So many homes today are at the verge of collapse because of the inability of both partners to satisfy each other on bed. So many married women today find it difficult to be the woman of their hubby as they lack certain knowledge on sexology. The resultant effect is the negative impart it has in the marriage. So many homes are in the hand of intruder (aka side chicks and cocks). Many married men today can go a long way to satisfy their side chick but cannot do same to their woman at home because of factors suchas low libido, lack of sex education, e.t.c. It is always my desire, to make a meaningful contribution towards ameliorating sexual challenges in different homes.
Various sexuality topic ranging from those involving women only and men are discussed. Topic on how a woman can spice up her marriage is my priority.
Personal hygiene, sexual position, body exploration, persionate sex, hand job,
vaginal hygiene and other related topics shall be discussed extensively.
This group is meant for the married and mature people in serious relationship.
you can inbox me or chat me on whatsapp here zero seven zero five three nine two four four nine zero.

Ardar:


The woman in question just confirmed that her husband dumped the little girl with his sister

He obviously can't take care of a two year old, but wickedness won't let him see to reason.

You see this thing called ego? It can make a man behave like a fool.

A fool, a complete idiot and a flat out bastard. However, there are some of us who know how to treat their fuckup.

yeyeosoronga:

There are lots of single dads for sure, but only few will raise a 2 year old girl by themselves in Nigeria. They normally conveniently dump those children with some aunt or the other.
OP has confirmed the child is with the husband's sister. They may look after her well initially that everything is hot hot, hoping things will be resolved in a month or so. However, if it starts getting to 3 months they will show their true colours and the child will be abused and treated like a 3rd class citizen especially if her father isn't dropping enough money for her upkeep and even their own upkeep join.

You know how it works.

No woman alive should leave her child for another oo. Even sibling rshps go south in the name of holidays/vacation s.

A comment on the parents attribute thread that we dislike.

It summarizes what this 12 yr old boy will say in the future.

Thank God his mother stood for him!

LadySarah:


You know how it works.

No woman alive should leave her child for another oo. Even sibling rshps go south in the name of holidays/vacation s.

A comment on the parents attribute thread that we dislike.

It summarizes what this 12 yr old boy will say in the future.

Thank God his mother stood for him!

Hmmm.
True.
I always just pity children found in such difficult circumstances, used as pawns by their parents. It's better they're all drinking gari together than sending them to live with someone else, who might end up maltreating them. They may not even beat them or starve them, but they're usually not there for the children emotionally.
All these things count for a child to grow up balanced.

It is really difficult to judge from hearing just one side of this story.

From what I have read from Vivian (OP), I can only conclude that the husband is unreasonable in thinking and irresponsible in character. I am sorry to say. Apart from even agreeing before getting married to having the children stayed together, it is totally wicked to have your wife begged you for 3 years for anything within your capacity whatsoever. Showing love and appropriate measure of discipline to the boy is all that is required to turn a new leaf. So if the boy was his biological son and he started stealing right under his roof would he have sent him away? Also, why would he sacrifice the comfort and safety of his 2 year old girl to get back at the wife? Only a heartless man does that.

I also sense a lot of arrogance in Vivian's post. There were indications that the man could not tolerate some of these. The 70% part of the story was really not necessary after all you never claimed your husband was lazy. This statement alone could be the reason he constantly makes you feel you should be grateful he married you anytime your action shows you contribute more financially. He simply retaliates. Check this please. The table can turn in his favour tomorrow. This was once my case many years ago but no longer so. My wife handled it so well that nobody knew. If he is not putting in his best, it is better you have a frank talk with him and he will sit up. Do not deride or belittle your husband It is even very inappropriate on the social media.

You did well by bringing your child home. Sometimes, tough decisions are required in certain life situations. You only did what a mother should do. However, you allowed the golden opportunity for settlement with your husband to pass you by immediately you brought the child home. You shouldn't have acted like he can go to hell because you pick the bills. It would have been the golden moment to placate him. No one, man or woman enjoys a bruised ego! We all react to it in different ways just that your husband chose the 'psycho path'. Where both parties in a marriage seek to be the winner in an argument or issues, ego will be bruised. You both have ego issues and you both should admit that.

Also it is totally senseless to make statements such as 'preferring your children over your marriage'. I honestly will feel very sad to hear that from my wife particularly when the children (biological or not) were not there when we started the journey. They will all leave us and go their way and we will still be together. Call me a jealous husband I don't care. So on hearing that, I will only assume that you never married me for love. To put succinctly, I will feel 'used'. I see that as part of the issue the man has with your character. Though I could be wrong, but my interpretation of the situation is that you married him to give a fatherly protection to your children and he has failed to do that. It doesn't really appear like you found love in this man. Forget the 70℅ provision, it will only make the man 'feel used' the more. The love basis is not there. Hence the ease with which he feels like a hero marrying you as a single mother. You made him feel so.

If there is still love, then this marriage has not broken beyond reconciliation the way this thread has painted it. I am also surprised that the solution majority of the ladies on the forum are offering you is to divorce the man. They never asked you why you gave marriage a second trial. They never asked you why you wanted the first two children to have a fatherly care. They do not realise that raising four children by a single mother takes more than having a corner shop. Check out some of MKO's children if it is all about money. Some of the people advising you here are not even married. Needless to say they don't know what it takes to raise four children from two living fathers. None of us will remember this thread 10 or 15 years down the line talk less of asking after you. Sadly not even me. Some even insinuated that your husband could be a pedophile for accepting the girl and denying the boy. But let posterity judge us if this issue is worth escalating to a divorce. As someone said, at the end, we will all log off and move on to the next active thread on front page. Not too long from now, we would have forgotten we gave wrong advice that will negatively define the lives of these children. It is a faceless forum. You will be doing your children great injustice and it will take them time to understand why you had two failed marriages. It is not a good memory for all four to live with. It is not normal. Don't listen to them. They were not there when you married him. Ask how the last person they advised is doing they don't even know. With a 12 year old boy, you are more experienced in marital issues than many of them. Someone here said divorce is like war, all parties sustain lifetime injuries from it. Some injuries manage to heal but leave scars behind. Some injuries are guilts, regrets, unforgiveness, wasted resources and inability to move on.

Whatever his offences are can be talked over. The differences can be resolved amicably if you both choose to understand each other. This marriage can be salvaged. If only you both can subdue your egos a little bit. I wish you could get someone your husband respects to talk sense into him. It is not uncommon for marriages to have challenges and issues. It is both parties' responsibilities to resolve them before they degenerate into crisis. I cannot comprehend why a sensible man will abandon his family. To where and achieve what? So what medal has he now collected? Snatched a toddler away to retaliate and did not even consider the fact that the wife is even pregnant with a second child for him!

It also appears to me that you are not in good terms with your in laws. That is why your sister in law could easily accept the custody of your daughter. Where possible, seek to draw your in laws closer to you. You also don't seem to have your own relatives around you, the more reason why your husband should be your best friend. A lot of men have soft spots, my wife discovered mine long ago and she has used it to her advantage. I really wish I could meet this man to hear his side of the story and also talk some sense into him. He should return back home, swallow his pride and reunite with his family. In case you are here as your loving wife claims, go back and sort things out please. Do not delay 1 minute.

Finally, madam, with your condition the night time is for resting not for swearing and cursing your husband. My father taught me that prayer shapes family and I have found it to be true, well at least for me. I stay focused with my family in prayer. We all share in our challenges and partake of our successes together. We do not trust in our own ability. The Bible says every house is built by some man but he that buildeth all things is God.

You are not bound to take all my advice. Madam pick those that appear reasonable to you, they will still be useful. At the end, ensure you take decisions that will give you peace of mind. But know that every peaceful marriage is worked out through the deliberate efforts of the two parties concerned.

PS: I will not be able to respond to any
post where I am quoted except Vivian's. I am solely responsible for my post and it represents my personal opinion. All typos are regretted please.

Ishilove:

A fool, a complete idiot and a flat out bastard. However, there are some of us who know how to treat their fuckup.

madam easy nah, our ego is our pride as a man and it is needed to put you ladies in check. While some of you know how to balance our ego with love and not with arrogance..stay blessed beautiful woman

Vyvyanvyvy:


Thank you so much for the advice , I really appreciate it. God bless you

I have read so many comments and yours too, but I am still surprised that you claimed your husband's refusal to accept a 12 years old boy into his home is because of his naughty behaviours which is expected of a child. Believe me I can't wrap my head around this lame excuse at all. I still want to believe there is something more than this you are not saying for the reasons he doesn't want that boy.

Fixed:
It is really difficult to judge from hearing just one side of this story.

From what I have read from Vivian (OP), I can only conclude that the husband is unreasonable in thinking and irresponsible in character. I am sorry to say. Apart from even agreeing before getting married to having the children stayed together, it is totally wicked to have your wife begged you for 3 years for anything within your capacity whatsoever. Showing love and appropriate measure of discipline to the boy is all that is required to turn a new leaf. So if the boy was his biological son and he started stealing right under his roof would he have sent him away? Also, why would he sacrifice the comfort and safety of his 2 year old girl to get back at the wife? Only a heartless man does that.

I also sense a lot of arrogance in Vivian's post. There were indications that the man could not tolerate some of these. The 70% part of the story was really not necessary after all you never claimed your husband was lazy. This statement alone could be the reason he constantly makes you feel you should be grateful he married you anytime your action shows you contribute more financially. He simply retaliates. Check this please. The table can turn in his favour tomorrow. This was once my case many years ago but no longer so. My wife handled it so well that nobody knew. If he is not putting in his best, it is better you have a frank talk with him and he will sit up. Do not deride or belittle your husband It is even very inappropriate on the social media.

You did well by bringing your child home. Sometimes, tough decisions are required in certain life situations. You only did what a mother should do. However, you allowed the golden opportunity for settlement with your husband to pass you by immediately you brought the child home. You shouldn't have acted like he can go to hell because you pick the bills. It would have been the golden moment to placate him. No one, man or woman enjoys a bruised ego! We all react to it in different ways just that your husband chose the 'psycho path'. Where both parties in a marriage seek to be the winner in an argument or issues, ego will be bruised. You both have ego issues and you both should admit that.

Also it is totally senseless to make statements such as 'preferring your children over your marriage'. I honestly will feel very sad to hear that from my wife particularly when the children (biological or not) were not there when we started the journey. They will all leave us and go their way and we will still be together. Call me a jealous husband I don't care. So on hearing that, I will only assume that you never married me for love. To put succinctly, I will feel 'used'. I see that as part of the issue the man has with your character. Though I could be wrong, but my interpretation of the situation is that you married him to give a fatherly protection to your children and he has failed to do that. It doesn't really appear like you found love in this man. Forget the 70℅ provision, it will only make the man 'feel used' the more. The love basis is not there. Hence the ease with which he feels like a hero marrying you as a single mother. You made him feel so.

If there is still love, then this marriage has not broken beyond reconciliation the way this thread has painted it. I am also surprised that the solution majority of the ladies on the forum are offering you is to divorce the man. They never asked you why you gave marriage a second trial. They never asked you why you wanted the first two children to have a fatherly care. They do not realise that raising four children by a single mother takes more than having a corner shop. Check out some of MKO's children if it is all about money. Some of the people advising you here are not even married. Needless to say they don't know what it takes to raise four children from two living fathers. None of us will remember this thread 10 or 15 years down the line talk less of asking after you. Sadly not even me. Some even insinuated that your husband could be a pedophile for accepting the girl and denying the boy. But let posterity judge us if this issue is worth escalating to a divorce. As someone said, at the end, we will all log off and move on to the next active thread on front page. Not too long from now, we would have forgotten we gave wrong advice that will negatively define the lives of these children. It is a faceless forum. You will be doing your children great injustice and it will take them time to understand why you had two failed marriages. It is not a good memory for all four to live with. It is not normal. Don't listen to them. They were not there when you married him. Ask how the last person they advised is doing they don't even know. With a 12 year old boy, you are more experienced in marital issues than many of them. Someone here said divorce is like war, all parties sustain lifetime injuries from it. Some injuries manage to heal but leave scars behind. Some injuries are guilts, regrets, unforgiveness, wasted resources and inability to move on.

Whatever his offences are can be talked over. The differences can be resolved amicably if you both choose to understand each other. This marriage can be salvaged. If only you both can subdue your egos a little bit. I wish you could get someone your husband respects to talk sense into him. It is not uncommon for marriages to have challenges and issues. It is both parties' responsibilities to resolve them before they degenerate into crisis. I cannot comprehend why a sensible man will abandon his family. To where and achieve what? So what medal has he now collected? Snatched a toddler away to retaliate and did not even consider the fact that the wife is even pregnant with a second child for him!

It also appears to me that you are not in good terms with your in laws. That is why your sister in law could easily accept the custody of your daughter. Where possible, seek to draw your in laws closer to you. You also don't seem to have your own relatives around you, the more reason why your husband should be your best friend. A lot of men have soft spots, my wife discovered mine long ago and she has used it to her advantage. I really wish I could meet this man to hear his side of the story and also talk some sense into him. He should return back home, swallow his pride and reunite with his family. In case you are here as your loving wife claims, go back and sort things out please. Do not delay 1 minute.

Finally, madam, with your condition the night time is for resting not for swearing and cursing your husband. My father taught me that prayer shapes family and I have found it to be true, well at least for me. I stay focused with my family in prayer. We all share in our challenges and partake of our successes together. We do not trust in our own ability. The Bible says every house is built by some man but he that buildeth all things is God.

You are not bound to take all my advice. Madam pick those that appear reasonable to you, they will still be useful. At the end, ensure you take decisions that will give you peace of mind. But know that every peaceful marriage is worked out through the deliberate efforts of the two parties concerned.

PS: I will not be able to respond to any
post where I am quoted except Vivian's. I am solely responsible for my post and it represents my personal opinion. All typos are regretted please.

Thank you sir

bdchange:

madam easy nah, our ego is our pride as a man and it is needed to put you ladies in check. While some of you know how to balance our ego with love and not with arrogance..stay blessed beautiful woman

This is not a gender war. Stay blessed too handsome man

Very mature post. Op this is the sound advice you should follow.

Fixed:
It is really difficult to judge from hearing just one side of this story.

From what I have read from Vivian (OP), I can only conclude that the husband is unreasonable in thinking and irresponsible in character. I am sorry to say. Apart from even agreeing before getting married to having the children stayed together, it is totally wicked to have your wife begged you for 3 years for anything within your capacity whatsoever. Showing love and appropriate measure of discipline to the boy is all that is required to turn a new leaf. So if the boy was his biological son and he started stealing right under his roof would he have sent him away? Also, why would he sacrifice the comfort and safety of his 2 year old girl to get back at the wife? Only a heartless man does that.

I also sense a lot of arrogance in Vivian's post. There were indications that the man could not tolerate some of these. The 70% part of the story was really not necessary after all you never claimed your husband was lazy. This statement alone could be the reason he constantly makes you feel you should be grateful he married you anytime your action shows you contribute more financially. He simply retaliates. Check this please. The table can turn in his favour tomorrow. This was once my case many years ago but no longer so. My wife handled it so well that nobody knew. If he is not putting in his best, it is better you have a frank talk with him and he will sit up. Do not deride or belittle your husband It is even very inappropriate on the social media.

You did well by bringing your child home. Sometimes, tough decisions are required in certain life situations. You only did what a mother should do. However, you allowed the golden opportunity for settlement with your husband to pass you by immediately you brought the child home. You shouldn't have acted like he can go to hell because you pick the bills. It would have been the golden moment to placate him. No one, man or woman enjoys a bruised ego! We all react to it in different ways just that your husband chose the 'psycho path'. Where both parties in a marriage seek to be the winner in an argument or issues, ego will be bruised. You both have ego issues and you both should admit that.

Also it is totally senseless to make statements such as 'preferring your children over your marriage'. I honestly will feel very sad to hear that from my wife particularly when the children (biological or not) were not there when we started the journey. They will all leave us and go their way and we will still be together. Call me a jealous husband I don't care. So on hearing that, I will only assume that you never married me for love. To put succinctly, I will feel 'used'. I see that as part of the issue the man has with your character. Though I could be wrong, but my interpretation of the situation is that you married him to give a fatherly protection to your children and he has failed to do that. It doesn't really appear like you found love in this man. Forget the 70℅ provision, it will only make the man 'feel used' the more. The love basis is not there. Hence the ease with which he feels like a hero marrying you as a single mother. You made him feel so.

If there is still love, then this marriage has not broken beyond reconciliation the way this thread has painted it. I am also surprised that the solution majority of the ladies on the forum are offering you is to divorce the man. They never asked you why you gave marriage a second trial. They never asked you why you wanted the first two children to have a fatherly care. They do not realise that raising four children by a single mother takes more than having a corner shop. Check out some of MKO's children if it is all about money. Some of the people advising you here are not even married. Needless to say they don't know what it takes to raise four children from two living fathers. None of us will remember this thread 10 or 15 years down the line talk less of asking after you. Sadly not even me. Some even insinuated that your husband could be a pedophile for accepting the girl and denying the boy. But let posterity judge us if this issue is worth escalating to a divorce. As someone said, at the end, we will all log off and move on to the next active thread on front page. Not too long from now, we would have forgotten we gave wrong advice that will negatively define the lives of these children. It is a faceless forum. You will be doing your children great injustice and it will take them time to understand why you had two failed marriages. It is not a good memory for all four to live with. It is not normal. Don't listen to them. They were not there when you married him. Ask how the last person they advised is doing they don't even know. With a 12 year old boy, you are more experienced in marital issues than many of them. Someone here said divorce is like war, all parties sustain lifetime injuries from it. Some injuries manage to heal but leave scars behind. Some injuries are guilts, regrets, unforgiveness, wasted resources and inability to move on.

Whatever his offences are can be talked over. The differences can be resolved amicably if you both choose to understand each other. This marriage can be salvaged. If only you both can subdue your egos a little bit. I wish you could get someone your husband respects to talk sense into him. It is not uncommon for marriages to have challenges and issues. It is both parties' responsibilities to resolve them before they degenerate into crisis. I cannot comprehend why a sensible man will abandon his family. To where and achieve what? So what medal has he now collected? Snatched a toddler away to retaliate and did not even consider the fact that the wife is even pregnant with a second child for him!

It also appears to me that you are not in good terms with your in laws. That is why your sister in law could easily accept the custody of your daughter. Where possible, seek to draw your in laws closer to you. You also don't seem to have your own relatives around you, the more reason why your husband should be your best friend. A lot of men have soft spots, my wife discovered mine long ago and she has used it to her advantage. I really wish I could meet this man to hear his side of the story and also talk some sense into him. He should return back home, swallow his pride and reunite with his family. In case you are here as your loving wife claims, go back and sort things out please. Do not delay 1 minute.

Finally, madam, with your condition the night time is for resting not for swearing and cursing your husband. My father taught me that prayer shapes family and I have found it to be true, well at least for me. I stay focused with my family in prayer. We all share in our challenges and partake of our successes together. We do not trust in our own ability. The Bible says every house is built by some man but he that buildeth all things is God.

You are not bound to take all my advice. Madam pick those that appear reasonable to you, they will still be useful. At the end, ensure you take decisions that will give you peace of mind. But know that every peaceful marriage is worked out through the deliberate efforts of the two parties concerned.

PS: I will not be able to respond to any
post where I am quoted except Vivian's. I am solely responsible for my post and it represents my personal opinion. All typos are regretted please.

Fixed:
It is really difficult to judge from hearing just one side of this story.

From what I have read from Vivian (OP), I can only conclude that the husband is unreasonable in thinking and irresponsible in character. I am sorry to say. Apart from even agreeing before getting married to having the children stayed together, it is totally wicked to have your wife begged you for 3 years for anything within your capacity whatsoever. Showing love and appropriate measure of discipline to the boy is all that is required to turn a new leaf. So if the boy was his biological son and he started stealing right under his roof would he have sent him away? Also, why would he sacrifice the comfort and safety of his 2 year old girl to get back at the wife? Only a heartless man does that.

I also sense a lot of arrogance in Vivian's post. There were indications that the man could not tolerate some of these. The 70% part of the story was really not necessary after all you never claimed your husband was lazy. This statement alone could be the reason he constantly makes you feel you should be grateful he married you anytime your action shows you contribute more financially. He simply retaliates. Check this please. The table can turn in his favour tomorrow. This was once my case many years ago but no longer so. My wife handled it so well that nobody knew. If he is not putting in his best, it is better you have a frank talk with him and he will sit up. Do not deride or belittle your husband It is even very inappropriate on the social media.

You did well by bringing your child home. Sometimes, tough decisions are required in certain life situations. You only did what a mother should do. However, you allowed the golden opportunity for settlement with your husband to pass you by immediately you brought the child home. You shouldn't have acted like he can go to hell because you pick the bills. It would have been the golden moment to placate him. No one, man or woman enjoys a bruised ego! We all react to it in different ways just that your husband chose the 'psycho path'. Where both parties in a marriage seek to be the winner in an argument or issues, ego will be bruised. You both have ego issues and you both should admit that.

Also it is totally senseless to make statements such as 'preferring your children over your marriage'. I honestly will feel very sad to hear that from my wife particularly when the children (biological or not) were not there when we started the journey. They will all leave us and go their way and we will still be together. Call me a jealous husband I don't care. So on hearing that, I will only assume that you never married me for love. To put succinctly, I will feel 'used'. I see that as part of the issue the man has with your character. Though I could be wrong, but my interpretation of the situation is that you married him to give a fatherly protection to your children and he has failed to do that. It doesn't really appear like you found love in this man. Forget the 70℅ provision, it will only make the man 'feel used' the more. The love basis is not there. Hence the ease with which he feels like a hero marrying you as a single mother. You made him feel so.

If there is still love, then this marriage has not broken beyond reconciliation the way this thread has painted it. I am also surprised that the solution majority of the ladies on the forum are offering you is to divorce the man. They never asked you why you gave marriage a second trial. They never asked you why you wanted the first two children to have a fatherly care. They do not realise that raising four children by a single mother takes more than having a corner shop. Check out some of MKO's children if it is all about money. Some of the people advising you here are not even married. Needless to say they don't know what it takes to raise four children from two living fathers. None of us will remember this thread 10 or 15 years down the line talk less of asking after you. Sadly not even me. Some even insinuated that your husband could be a pedophile for accepting the girl and denying the boy. But let posterity judge us if this issue is worth escalating to a divorce. As someone said, at the end, we will all log off and move on to the next active thread on front page. Not too long from now, we would have forgotten we gave wrong advice that will negatively define the lives of these children. It is a faceless forum. You will be doing your children great injustice and it will take them time to understand why you had two failed marriages. It is not a good memory for all four to live with. It is not normal. Don't listen to them. They were not there when you married him. Ask how the last person they advised is doing they don't even know. With a 12 year old boy, you are more experienced in marital issues than many of them. Someone here said divorce is like war, all parties sustain lifetime injuries from it. Some injuries manage to heal but leave scars behind. Some injuries are guilts, regrets, unforgiveness, wasted resources and inability to move on.

Whatever his offences are can be talked over. The differences can be resolved amicably if you both choose to understand each other. This marriage can be salvaged. If only you both can subdue your egos a little bit. I wish you could get someone your husband respects to talk sense into him. It is not uncommon for marriages to have challenges and issues. It is both parties' responsibilities to resolve them before they degenerate into crisis. I cannot comprehend why a sensible man will abandon his family. To where and achieve what? So what medal has he now collected? Snatched a toddler away to retaliate and did not even consider the fact that the wife is even pregnant with a second child for him!

It also appears to me that you are not in good terms with your in laws. That is why your sister in law could easily accept the custody of your daughter. Where possible, seek to draw your in laws closer to you. You also don't seem to have your own relatives around you, the more reason why your husband should be your best friend. A lot of men have soft spots, my wife discovered mine long ago and she has used it to her advantage. I really wish I could meet this man to hear his side of the story and also talk some sense into him. He should return back home, swallow his pride and reunite with his family. In case you are here as your loving wife claims, go back and sort things out please. Do not delay 1 minute.

Finally, madam, with your condition the night time is for resting not for swearing and cursing your husband. My father taught me that prayer shapes family and I have found it to be true, well at least for me. I stay focused with my family in prayer. We all share in our challenges and partake of our successes together. We do not trust in our own ability. The Bible says every house is built by some man but he that buildeth all things is God.

You are not bound to take all my advice. Madam pick those that appear reasonable to you, they will still be useful. At the end, ensure you take decisions that will give you peace of mind. But know that every peaceful marriage is worked out through the deliberate efforts of the two parties concerned.

PS: I will not be able to respond to any
post where I am quoted except Vivian's. I am solely responsible for my post and it represents my personal opinion. All typos are regretted please.

Op please take the advice, may God be with you. I was about typing this but you beat me to it.

Vyvyanvyvy:


Yes I am very happy to have my son , I feel good that I did not abandon him just for a man who never love me , he just come to my life for the world to see him as a hero for marrying me a single mother of 2. I have no gained anything in this marriage , it’s better for me to be a single mother than to reject my blood and flesh. I know it will not be easy but God will help me to raise my children all alone , I thank God I have my shop something that fetched me money , my children will never starved of anger , they will go to school as usual and nothing will change. For now all I want is for him to bring my child back to me because he cannot take care of her , at the moment my child is with his sister so what’s the point of taking her away from me then to abandon her with his sister ? The same sister that cannot even love her own blood and flesh so is she gonna love my child too? If he wanted to take care of his daughter on his own why can’t he rent a place and take care of her ? He did it because he taught by doing so , I will send my son on the street so I can beg him to come back home , never , all I’m begging him to do is to bring back my child , she is the one that I need , I don’t need him , he can go ahead and remarry , it will not shake me . You and others can rain insults on me but let me tell you one thing , all your insult doesn’t bother me , I’m not regretting loosing my marriage because I did what any true mother in my position would have do in my shoe. Like said my son will always be first no matter what. Let me attached the picture of the 3 people that gives me happiness my children my life.

if he took a child that belongs to noth of you to his sister, that's crazy. If he needed to leave why drop her with his sister.except it's just for a few days before he picks her, this is stupid.

I think warring parents that alienate their kids from the other party are sick. On the other hand women are notorious for alienating men from kids, so he may be proactive. For most of them, the father of their kids is determined by who they're sleeping with...lol

Fixed:
It is really difficult to judge from hearing just one side of this story.

From what I have read from Vivian (OP), I can only conclude that the husband is unreasonable in thinking and irresponsible in character. I am sorry to say. Apart from even agreeing before getting married to having the children stayed together, it is totally wicked to have your wife begged you for 3 years for anything within your capacity whatsoever. Showing love and appropriate measure of discipline to the boy is all that is required to turn a new leaf. So if the boy was his biological son and he started stealing right under his roof would he have sent him away? Also, why would he sacrifice the comfort and safety of his 2 year old girl to get back at the wife? Only a heartless man does that.

I also sense a lot of arrogance in Vivian's post. There were indications that the man could not tolerate some of these. The 70% part of the story was really not necessary after all you never claimed your husband was lazy. This statement alone could be the reason he constantly makes you feel you should be grateful he married you anytime your action shows you contribute more financially. He simply retaliates. Check this please. The table can turn in his favour tomorrow. This was once my case many years ago but no longer so. My wife handled it so well that nobody knew. If he is not putting in his best, it is better you have a frank talk with him and he will sit up. Do not deride or belittle your husband It is even very inappropriate on the social media.

You did well by bringing your child home. Sometimes, tough decisions are required in certain life situations. You only did what a mother should do. However, you allowed the golden opportunity for settlement with your husband to pass you by immediately you brought the child home. You shouldn't have acted like he can go to hell because you pick the bills. It would have been the golden moment to placate him. No one, man or woman enjoys a bruised ego! We all react to it in different ways just that your husband chose the 'psycho path'. Where both parties in a marriage seek to be the winner in an argument or issues, ego will be bruised. You both have ego issues and you both should admit that.

Also it is totally senseless to make statements such as 'preferring your children over your marriage'. I honestly will feel very sad to hear that from my wife particularly when the children (biological or not) were not there when we started the journey. They will all leave us and go their way and we will still be together. Call me a jealous husband I don't care. So on hearing that, I will only assume that you never married me for love. To put succinctly, I will feel 'used'. I see that as part of the issue the man has with your character. Though I could be wrong, but my interpretation of the situation is that you married him to give a fatherly protection to your children and he has failed to do that. It doesn't really appear like you found love in this man. Forget the 70℅ provision, it will only make the man 'feel used' the more. The love basis is not there. Hence the ease with which he feels like a hero marrying you as a single mother. You made him feel so.

If there is still love, then this marriage has not broken beyond reconciliation the way this thread has painted it. I am also surprised that the solution majority of the ladies on the forum are offering you is to divorce the man. They never asked you why you gave marriage a second trial. They never asked you why you wanted the first two children to have a fatherly care. They do not realise that raising four children by a single mother takes more than having a corner shop. Check out some of MKO's children if it is all about money. Some of the people advising you here are not even married. Needless to say they don't know what it takes to raise four children from two living fathers. None of us will remember this thread 10 or 15 years down the line talk less of asking after you. Sadly not even me. Some even insinuated that your husband could be a pedophile for accepting the girl and denying the boy. But let posterity judge us if this issue is worth escalating to a divorce. As someone said, at the end, we will all log off and move on to the next active thread on front page. Not too long from now, we would have forgotten we gave wrong advice that will negatively define the lives of these children. It is a faceless forum. You will be doing your children great injustice and it will take them time to understand why you had two failed marriages. It is not a good memory for all four to live with. It is not normal. Don't listen to them. They were not there when you married him. Ask how the last person they advised is doing they don't even know. With a 12 year old boy, you are more experienced in marital issues than many of them. Someone here said divorce is like war, all parties sustain lifetime injuries from it. Some injuries manage to heal but leave scars behind. Some injuries are guilts, regrets, unforgiveness, wasted resources and inability to move please.

Wow so much wisdom. Thank you for this. This post has helped not only the Op, but a lot of us reading this.

Vyvyanvyvy:


Yes I am very happy to have my son , I feel good that I did not abandon him just for a man who never love me , he just come to my life for the world to see him as a hero for marrying me a single mother of 2. I have no gained anything in this marriage , it’s better for me to be a single mother than to reject my blood and flesh. I know it will not be easy but God will help me to raise my children all alone , I thank God I have my shop something that fetched me money , my children will never starved of anger , they will go to school as usual and nothing will change. For now all I want is for him to bring my child back to me because he cannot take care of her , at the moment my child is with his sister so what’s the point of taking her away from me then to abandon her with his sister ? The same sister that cannot even love her own blood and flesh so is she gonna love my child too? If he wanted to take care of his daughter on his own why can’t he rent a place and take care of her ? He did it because he taught by doing so , I will send my son on the street so I can beg him to come back home , never , all I’m begging him to do is to bring back my child , she is the one that I need , I don’t need him , he can go ahead and remarry , it will not shake me . You and others can rain insults on me but let me tell you one thing , all your insult doesn’t bother me , I’m not regretting loosing my marriage because I did what any true mother in my position would have do in my shoe. Like said my son will always be first no matter what. Let me attached the picture of the 3 people that gives me happiness my children my life.

The Lord is your strength, I'm happy for you. I wish you're in PH.

Vyvyanvyvy:


Yes I am very happy to have my son , I feel good that I did not abandon him just for a man who never love me , he just come to my life for the world to see him as a hero for marrying me a single mother of 2. I have no gained anything in this marriage , it’s better for me to be a single mother than to reject my blood and flesh. I know it will not be easy but God will help me to raise my children all alone , I thank God I have my shop something that fetched me money , my children will never starved of anger , they will go to school as usual and nothing will change. For now all I want is for him to bring my child back to me because he cannot take care of her , at the moment my child is with his sister so what’s the point of taking her away from me then to abandon her with his sister ? The same sister that cannot even love her own blood and flesh so is she gonna love my child too? If he wanted to take care of his daughter on his own why can’t he rent a place and take care of her ? He did it because he taught by doing so , I will send my son on the street so I can beg him to come back home , never , all I’m begging him to do is to bring back my child , she is the one that I need , I don’t need him , he can go ahead and remarry , it will not shake me . You and others can rain insults on me but let me tell you one thing , all your insult doesn’t bother me , I’m not regretting loosing my marriage because I did what any true mother in my position would have do in my shoe. Like said my son will always be first no matter what. Let me attached the picture of the 3 people that gives me happiness my children my life.

I read your post over and over again and I felt really sad.

You and your husband are both responsible for your marriage whether it works or crumbles but catering to that child and raising him right is your responsibility.

A father may bail, all relatives may bail, even the whole world may abandon a child but a GOOD Mother CANNOT bail on her Child. It’s unfortunate your husband didn’t share the sentiment and I don’t blame him but trust me, you’ve given yourself peace. You did what you had to do, what every responsible and right thinking mum would do and I would have done same if I were in your shoes.

Raising those kids alone may be overwhelming but God’s gonna give you the strength and grace to pull through.

There are times when you’d want to second guess yourself, you’d think you made a mistake. The true mistake would have been abandoning that child without love and pushing him into something dangerous that’d eventually get him killed.This would have been THE mistake that you can never live with and of course the marriage you tried to save would have collapsed.

I pray everything goes well with you and the kids.

dominique:


Keyword happily, you think I'd stick with someone who makes me miserable? I don't think I can stomach a quarter of the bullshits some married women suffer all in the name of keeping their marriage. Marriage will never be a do or die affair for me.



The bucket may not be enough to contain their tears when she gets custody of her daughter back, we will donate the biggest geepee tank to them

You may not even be happily married as he thought?

Jman06:
And the single mothers were DUMMIES to have allowed themselves to be impregnated and used by the irresponsible man

I'll start taking ladies serious the day they start taking responsibilities for their actions and not blame men for whatever happens to them

The "actions" you say women should take responsibility for were mutual yet you think only one party should take responsibility?

And the dumb men like Ubunja who had sex without protection are wise? And the ones who step away from their wives after 6 kids are what? Or are you too dumb to realise that getting married still does not exclude you from the possibility of becoming a single mother if you pitch your tent with a lazy ass hole who hides from his responsibility. Dude use your brain.

Oriyomin25:

I don't see the need for you saying my daughter will become a baby mama, and if she eventually become one that's her destiny.
Now back to the topic. Someone asked why she refused to take the child to her Ex or at least any of his relatives (Probably her Ex's Father or Mother ), if she had said her ex's parents are no more i wouldn't have comment but the context of the thread was that she doesn't have their contact or access to them.
Two human being she had for this said Ex faa, who believes that.

Even though I fear to have any affairs that would lead to serious relationship with single mother (With one pikin o), I can still compromise as long as she has all I desired in a woman... But this woman's husband married a single mother of two, accommodate one and yet you womenlanders feel he hasn't tried, like any of you can accept your husband kid(s) from other woman as your own.
The woman just want her son beside her and I don't blame her CU's it's normal, I can't blame the man either because few men (may be 5%) can accept that, and I believe he has not commit any sin here.

My advice: The woman should take the child to his ex's parent, but if for a good reason that will not work, she should just implore and plead with her husband to allow the boy stay with them.
BEST OF LUCK.

You dont give a fvck about your daughters destiny because you were never a part of her life and she also doesnt give a fvck about you.

Emaprince:
Mehn, but this woman's life is destroyed Like this sha...

As in..... Two marriages broken

Two husbands ran away from you

4 kids no father near.


Wow.... Seems she actually have a hot temper going by how she handled the issue...and with the way she heeded to the advice these bitter women on NL was giving her. These women will eat AMD swallow every bullshit from their own husbands to keep their marriage, but will come here to advice another to break hers.

Women are their own worst enemies.

Now look at where it landed you. 4 kids no father. The worst is their fathers ran away from you.

What does that tell about you now.

You know Diana Ross, her life was something like this. Lots of kids with no husband, because the men she married turned out to be stupid fellows. But guess what, her life was not destroyed. She raised them single handedly to the wonders they are now.

You know Pastor Nomthi Odukoya, wife of Taiwo Odukoya (fountain of life senior pastor), her mother was a single mother who raised her children in the love and fear of God.

If you think being a single mother with no husband is a recipe for disaster, then you need to get your brains checked. You're not only a redundant fellow, but a restricted one too.