This is complicated. I don't even know where to advice you from. Let the elders contribute to this one.

Mods isilove mynd44 lalasticlala I think this story should be moved to front page

sassysure:

See, sometimes it's good to place yourselves in a woman's shoe.
U are just being nairaland stubborn head.
Hian!

She is yet to give deadline
Where u see that one, crackhaus?
Have u eaten today?
Go and eat first, u are hungry

Read the OP again, very slowly and carefully this time after you must have eaten.
You will see her deadline clearly in fine print.

factormatt6:

I told her everything about me.we make a lot of financial plan because she give me two years to get married to her or she walk.

factormatt6:
. Funny I did tell her that but my love for her, I over look it. I have history with a lot of ladies, I never believe I could fall in love but with this girl the world can come to a stand still.

Bruv, I'll be honest with you.

1. If you let her go, you will be doing both of yourselves a huge favour in the long run.
She gets to be with someone who is ready to marry her ASAP, and you get to focus on those things which are more important to you while nurturing another relationship with someone else.

2. If you marry her, you will be doing it as a favour to her because of the attitude she's putting up and not because it's really what you want.
You may grow to resent her because of this somewhere down the line, or you may not and everything will work out fine.

The choice ultimately is yours.

crackland:

Read the OP again, very slowly and carefully this time after you must have eaten.
You will see her deadline there in fine print.

I missed that part

Maybe, I need the food more than you

My submission is still the same for the guy.
As for u, (ishi òkpùkpù) , look for translator
Don't make your woman reach that position or better, go for a woman who can waste away 4 yrs or more without blinking and age is still on her side. Mid twenties.

Though, I will not outrightly tell you to do it today or tomorrow, I will look at your actions, if nothing, I go vamoose

@@op is the type that will disappear
His tone at the beginning summed him up. We still have court marriage.
I did mine with 15k or was it cheaper?
Have forgotten. So cheap. Two or 3 witnesses and court officials and viola, I have fulfilled all righteousness

crackland:

Bruv, I'll be honest with you.

1. If you let her go, you will be doing both of yourselves a huge favour in the long run.
She gets to be with someone who is ready to marry her ASAP, and you get to focus on those things which are more important to you while nurturing another relationship with someone else.

2. If you marry her, you will be doing it as a favour to her because of the attitude she's putting up and not because it's really what you want.
You may grow to resent her because of this somewhere down the line, or you may not and everything will work out fine.

The choice ultimately is yours.

. She just been calm yesterday and today not that she is given me attitude. I just want what is best for both of us. I never resent her rather if she can be patience with me, I respect and value her the more.

sassysure:

I missed that part

Maybe, I need the food more than you

My submission is still the same for the guy.
As for u, (ishi òkpùkpù) , look for translator
Don't make your woman reach that position or better, go for a woman who can waste away 4 yrs or more without blinking and age is still on her side. Mid twenties.

Though, I will not outrightly tell you to do it today or tomorrow, I will look at your actions, if nothing, I go vamoose

@@op is the type that will disappear
His tone at the beginning summed him up. We still have court marriage.
I did mine with 15k or was it cheaper?
Have forgotten. So cheap. Two or 3 witnesses and court officials and viola, I have fulfilled all righteousness

. Are you suggesting I do court marriage with her,so as to assure her of my commitment?

factormatt6:
. We talk about kid. We intend waiting for the right time. We planning relocating to western country before raising kid. [/b]I don't if I am to continue buying and selling stuff or go into IT. I need an advice on this also.[b]

Your wahala is too much.
You're confused about your career choice, you need advise on this
You're confused about your relationship sturvs, you still need advice on this
And you're probably confused about life in general.
Take a break man, and try to figure out your life before bringing someone else on board

yeyeosoronga:


Your wahala is too much.
You're confused about your career choice, you need advise on this
You're confused about your relationship sturvs, you still need advice on this
And you're probably confused about life in general.
Take a break man, and try to figure out your life before bringing someone else on board

Read my write up careful please, I already fashion out a career path.
I am not confused about my relationship. I need advice to know if I should build with my lady or allow out to go while I figure out things for myself. Thanks for your comments

sassysure:

I missed that part

Maybe, I need the food more than you

My submission is still the same for the guy.
As for u, (ishi òkpùkpù) , look for translator
Don't make your woman reach that position or better, go for a woman who can waste away 4 yrs or more without blinking and age is still on her side. Mid twenties.

Though, I will not outrightly tell you to do it today or tomorrow, I will look at your actions, if nothing, I go vamoose

@@op is the type that will disappear
His tone at the beginning summed him up. We still have court marriage.
I did mine with 15k or was it cheaper?
Have forgotten. So cheap. Two or 3 witnesses and court officials and viola, I have fulfilled all righteousness

Come sef, the girl the OP is talking about is 25yrs old.

Not like that age makes it okay to keep any woman waiting without defining where the relationship is headed. But for someone who feels she needs to be wedded within a specified time, there are much better ways to go about it than using threats and ultimatums.

crackland:

Come sef, the girl the OP is talking about is 25yrs old.

Not like that age makes it okay to keep any woman waiting without defining where the relationship is headed. But for someone who feels she needs to be wedded within a specified time, there are much better ways to go about it than using threats and ultimatums.

. Please can you suggest ways to go about it?

factormatt6:
. She just been calm yesterday and today not that she is given me attitude. I just want what is best for both of us. I never resent her rather if she can be patience with me, I respect and value her the more.

Bruv, your matter don dey taya me.

You want her to be patient with you, but it seems she doesn't want to be patient with you.
This is a clear-cut issue.

Maybe you should talk to her again to make her see reasons with you, but if she still insists on needing her space...then let her go.

crackland:

Come sef, the girl the OP is talking about is 25yrs old.

Not like that age makes it okay to keep any woman waiting without defining where the relationship is headed. But for someone who feels she needs to be wedded within a specified time, there are much better ways to go about it than using threats and ultimatums.

I have to agree with you on this.
U are right.
She went about it the wrong way.

factormatt6:
. Are you suggesting I do court marriage with her,so as to assure her of my commitment?

If u actually see she is an asset.
But why is she forcing you?
Make your enquiry well.
I wouldn't tell you to walk away.
No.
Girls are in constant war when it comes to marriage because of time factor.
Her approach may be wrong.
But,
If u think know u are there to stay, go and do court. It will calm her nerves. Who knows, all her friends at that age are hooking up and she isn't sure of where she is with you.
Also, men are coming, the other voice is there.
Court is cheap. It will keep u 2 focused more.

But u talk like person wey go hard to trust o.
Hmm.

sassysure:

I have to agree with you on this.
U are right.
She went about it the wrong way.

. I did argue with her and she gave me her reasons. She is a result orientated person. Useful advise on how we can drive our relationship will make sense thanks.

sassysure:

If u actually see she is an asset.
But why is she forcing you?
Make your enquiry well.
I wouldn't tell you to walk away.
No.
Girls are in constant war when it comes to marriage because of time factor.
Her approach may be wrong.
But,
If u think know u are there to stay, go and do court. It will calm her nerves. Who knows, all her friends at that age are hooking up and she isn't sure of where she is with you.
Also, men are coming, the other voice is there.
Court is cheap. It will keep u 2 focused more.

But u talk like person wey go hard to trust o.
Hmm.

. She is more than an asset but that why I am with her(has met better girl than her before who was ready to do anything for me). We naturally attract to each other. My heart relax any time I am with her.

donuchris007:
. I tell you a bitter true. She is afraid of tomorrow because investing her time and maybe finance may not yield good result. You can let her go and build your life because I figured you are a determined person. Much better ladies await you. If you must be with her, don't let her drive the relationship take charge as a man.

. Love in Nigeria is a scam. So far you don't have financial strength to marry her now, expect her to misbehave. It doesn't cost much for her to build with you a home she will be proud of but she wouldn't. When you finally make it on your own, watch how she regret everything. Them full Winner. Focus on your life, when you arrive they all now at your feet.

factormatt6:
. Please can you suggest ways to go about it?

Is she going to read this? Lol..

Okay so the simplest way is effective communication.
You both need to sit down face-to-face and talk. And I don't mean arguing, I mean talk. You give her your own timeline and state the reasons why you would like her to be patient with it - she should not respond when you're talking, only listen.
When you're done, tell her it's her turn to inform you of her own timeline again and state the exact reasons why it is really important for her to get married within that period. You should not respond either, only listen.

The next step is to reach a compromise.
But you have to know that reaching a compromise is not only your responsibility, it is equally hers as well. She must first have it at the back of her mind & understand that she will not get exactly what she wants, you must also have it at the back of your mind & understand that you will not get exactly what you want either.
Once you both have this mindset, half the job is already done.

Now depending on the reasons you had both provided earlier, you can draw up a plan together that will place both of you somewhere with the semblance of a middle ground. Remember this conversation has to involve a whole lot of things - financing, personal goals, educational commitments (if included in the reasons), etc..

None of you should emotionally try to blackmail the other person.
She may feel the urge to tell you that there are men who have been asking her hand in marriage and she has been refusing them because of you - this is emotional blackmail, and is a warning sign.
You may also feel the urge to tell her that there are women who have been offering you their hearts and bodies and are ready to wait for you - this is emotional blackmail too, and is a warning sign.

By the time the conversation is over, there's a very high probability that both of you would have agreed on something IF you were ever truly in love with each other.

sassysure:

I have to agree with you on this.
U are right.
She went about it the wrong way.

As vain as this will seem, I'm usually right most of the time.

It just takes a longer route for certain people to get to a destination I already arrived at in my head hours/days before.

Hello everyone,I'm the girl op is talking about.

This is another long epistle

A few months ago I created a thread stating my difficulties finding men and a lot of you had wonderful advice to give To get more background on the matter, you could peep at the thread.

After that thread, I decided to be open minded, and a few weeks later, I met op. We have hit it off, and things happened, and are still happening fast. Also, I am 25 not 30, that must have been a mistake on his part....no biggie

Now on to the matter. I never really expected to meet op. He is a wonderful person. We love each other no doubt. Now the issue is so complex, To be honest, I don't even know what's wrong with me for distancing him like that. This emotional thing is a real hassle

Our relationship is long distance. Op has had experience with something similar, I haven't, and let me tell you. It is hard, very hard.

Also, I think it may have to do with my personality. I can be reserved at times and quite the loner. Also, emotions are not something I am used to. But I do know this. Op is someone who has a similar vision to mine. I just wasn't expecting fate to deal me the card that it did.

Although factormatt6 is determined, he's just starting afresh. One of the fears I have, is building with a man and making sacrifices for a man, and can you blame me? I see a lot of women get burned for trying that and getting discarded. I grew up in a home where I witnessed my parents fall out of love because one sacrificed her dreams to stay at home, get a small job and look after kids. She was so focused on making sure she trained us well, that she was a mother first,while he advanced in his career to put food on the table. Once he started making it. He started seeing his wife as too behind, too fat, too unsophisticated,too histronic for him or to be seen with his stingy ass. I don't hate my dad, but I will call a spade a spade, I also have a cordial relationship with both parents and tired of being a mediator so I left them to fate. They seem happy with their arrangement. Now we are grown up, and she's almost finished with school but she's also getting older. They still stay married because they are used to each other, besides I don't think there's any other woman who would let my dad get away with the BS my dad does like my thick skinned mom. A loveless relationship where they are just flatmates and happy with themselves. Growing up like this has shaped my personality. I told myself that I will not make the same mistake of putting myself on hold for a man, or his children. That's why I'm career oriented. What if something similar happens to me in future. He loves me now, but people always change. What will the future bring?


When I met factormatt6, What shocked me was the fact that he's starting school again, but that will take some years to finish, then he also had to go for his master's and PhD, what if things don't work out as planned, does that mean I'll be feeding a man and being the breadwinner? That's emotionally exhausting. What if I end up being a surrogate mother to a grown ass man? I cannot wish that situation on my enemy. That's why I act cold to him. Op has a mommy complex and I told him to deal with it. He then asked if I could be like a big sister, that sent alarm bells to my head, and we argued about it

So I find myself fighting between my common sense and my heart. I am struggling to convince myself that I am making the right choice. This is in no way his fault.He seems to know this too. It makes me act in ways that makes him feel like I don't trust him. My cold, blunt, introverted and loner nature isn't helping either.

About the matter of an ultimatum, it wasn't really an ultimatum per se. I don't know. One of the first things, I told him was that I only deal with results. So, he needs to put his life in order. I was I won't mind waiting for him for only two years for him to structure his life so that we can both go to my parents and I will not be embarrassed to present him to them. We could then focus on our career and start childbearing when we are more stable. I know he wants to marry me, but I tell him we aren't ready yet. This causes me to put a lot of pressure on him.


I know he's trying and giving it his all, but it seems like I am fighting myself. The battle to not see other people, and keep my options open, he calls me constantly, and I call him at times too, but we can spend 2-3hrs on the phone, and it doesn't help that factormatt6 is a great conversationalist. At times, I just feel like I am not in the mood for conversation but don't want to put it across to him, so as not to hurt his feelings.

Also, Op can be very insecure, It was one of the things I have noticed about him so he can take somethings I say or do personally , he then starts to sulk, so I find myself watching myself so that I don't hurt his feelings . But I also feel like I am in a landmine with him sometimes. He's also an intense person and that scares me, I am more laid back. He can also be a monitoring spirit at times but it's cool.


Then to top it all off, is this terrible lockdown, we try to keep things afloat by chatting a lot. But I find myself feeling drained. I started the lockdown earlier than everyone else and staying at home,leaves me drained. I feel like I don't have the energy anymore to read, chat with him, or even go outside. I find myself feeling heavy. All efforts made by my sisters to make me leave the compound prove abortive. Here I am, unemployed when I am supposed to the working and gathering finances for our visions and I am stuck at home. I am even resenting my family members for taking it so well. My parents still go to work because they are in essential services but I feel useless and just want to be left to myself. I feel like a failure. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of being poor, and I'm poor right now.

factormatt6 I'm sorry if I made you feel bad for asking for space. I love you. It's not your fault. I'll come round soon. I know the lockdown is affecting him too. I keep arguing with him to make new friends or talk to more people online. But it's hard to do so this lockdown. Guess I am being my paranoid, afraid and unreasonable self as usual. It's not your fault dear. I love you.

Rubbish...

Na film una dey act for here sef.

Is OP and lovergirl one and the same person?
What a great romance story on NL

yeyeosoronga:
Is OP and lovergirl one and the same person?
What a great romance story on NL

No we aren't please. Just give us advice. Thank you.

crackland:

Is she going to read this? Lol..

Okay so the simplest way is effective communication.
You both need to sit down face-to-face and talk. And I don't mean arguing, I mean talk. You give her your own timeline and state the reasons why you would like her to be patient with it - she should not respond when you're talking, only listen.
When you're done, tell her it's her turn to inform you of her own timeline again and state the exact reasons why it is really important for her to get married within that period. You should not respond either, only listen.

The next step is to reach a compromise.
But you have to know that reaching a compromise is not only your responsibility, it is equally hers as well. She must first have it at the back of her mind & understand that she will not get exactly what she wants, you must also have it at the back of your mind & understand that you will not get exactly what you want either.
Once you both have this mindset, half the job is already done.

Now depending on the reasons you both had provided earlier, you can draw up a plan together that will place both of you somewhere with the semblance of a middle ground. Remember this conversation has to involve a whole lot of things - financing, personal goals, educational commitments (if included in the reasons), etc..

None of you should emotionally try to blackmail the other person.
She may feel the urge to tell you that there are men who have been asking her hand in marriage and she has been refusing them because of you - this is emotional blackmail, and is a warning sign.
You may also feel the urge to tell her that there are women who have been offering you their hearts and bodies who are ready to wait for you - this is emotional blackmail too, and is a warning sign.

By the time the conversation is over, there's a very high probability that both of you would have agreed on something IF you were ever truly in love with each other.

. I don't know if I senior you but you are my big brother. Thanks

Harlequeen:
No we aren't please. Just give us advice. Thank you.

I'm just here to watch the series babygirl

yeyeosoronga:


Your wahala is too much.
You're confused about your career choice, you need advise on this
You're confused about your relationship sturvs, you still need advice on this
And you're probably confused about life in general.
Take a break man, and try to figure out your life before bringing someone else on board

it's not easy pls. Just be gentle with him

This is serious, I think @ harlequeen that you should have more faith in yourself and in your guy. Don't worry about tomorrow's food today.

Classic example of how coronavirus is affecting relationships.

Just keep communicating with each other. Las Las you will be alright. Nothing is permanent. This too shall pass.

RisenPhoenix KevinDein lefulefu michellekabod2

My advice to both of you if y’all are for real would be to figure out what you want to do with your lives first. And see if you both fit into each other’s life goals.
If not, don’t let any opportunities to find suitable partners pass you by. But not before you’ve done your best to make it work.

You’re both in a rut so to say. OP at 30 doesn’t know exactly what he wants to do and the girl is right to be worried. Baby girl while still young at 25 doesn’t mean you’re not mature enough to have stuff figured nor does it mean that you have time to wait until you’re older before you start figuring it out.

It’s not necessarily about making a good income (even though that’s important) but it’s also about stability and
a clear cut direction in life.

yeyeosoronga:
Is OP and lovergirl one and the same person?
What a great romance story on NL

their writing.styles are very different, although they like too much story.

Harlequeen:
Hello everyone,I'm the girl op is talking about.

This is another long epistle

A few months ago I created a thread stating my difficulties finding men and a lot of you had wonderful advice to give To get more background on the matter, you could peep at the thread.

After that thread, I decided to be open minded, and a few weeks later, I met op. We have hit it off, and things happened, and are still happening fast. Also, I am 25 not 30, that must have been a mistake on his part....no biggie

Now on to the matter. I never really expected to meet op. He is a wonderful person. We love each other no doubt. Now the issue is so complex, To be honest, I don't even know what's wrong with me for distancing him like that. This emotional thing is a real hassle

Our relationship is long distance. Op has had experience with something similar, I haven't, and let me tell you. It is hard, very hard.

Also, I think it may have to do with my personality. I can be reserved at times and quite the loner. Also, emotions are not something I am used to. But I do know this. Op is someone who has a similar vision to mine. I just wasn't expecting fate to deal me the card that it did.

Although factormatt6 is determined, he's just starting afresh. One of the fears I have, is building with a man and making sacrifices for a man, and can you blame me? I see a lot of women get burned for trying that and getting discarded. I grew up in a home where I witnessed my parents fall out of love because one sacrificed her dreams to stay at home, get a small job and look after kids. She was so focused on making sure she trained us well, that she was a mother first,while he advanced in his career to put food on the table. Once he started making it. He started seeing his wife as too behind, too fat, too unsophisticated,too histronic for him or to be seen with his stingy ass. I don't hate my dad, but I will call a spade a spade, I also have a cordial relationship with both parents and tired of being a mediator so I left them to fate. They seem happy with their arrangement. Now we are grown up, and she's almost finished with school but she's also getting older. They still stay married because they are used to each other, besides I don't think there's any other woman who would let my dad get away with the BS my dad does like my thick skinned mom. A loveless relationship where they are just flatmates and happy with themselves. Growing up like this has shaped my personality. I told myself that I will not make the same mistake of putting myself on hold for a man, or his children. That's why I'm career oriented. What if something similar happens to me in future. He loves me now, but people always change. What will the future bring?


When I met factormatt6, What shocked me was the fact that he's starting school again, but that will take some years to finish, then he also had to go for his master's and PhD, what if things don't work out as planned, does that mean I'll be feeding a man and being the breadwinner? That's emotionally exhausting. What if I end up being a surrogate mother to a grown ass man? I cannot wish that situation on my enemy. That's why I act cold to him. Op has a mommy complex and I told him to deal with it. He then asked if I could be like a big sister, that sent alarm bells to my head, and we argued about it

So I find myself fighting between my common sense and my heart. I am struggling to convince myself that I am making the right choice. This is in no way his fault.He seems to know this too. It makes me act in ways that makes him feel like I don't trust him. My cold, blunt, introverted and loner nature isn't helping either.

About the matter of an ultimatum, it wasn't really an ultimatum per se. I don't know. One of the first things, I told him was that I only deal with results. So, he needs to put his life in order. I was I won't mind waiting for him for only two years for him to structure his life so that we can both go to my parents and I will not be embarrassed to present him to them. We could then focus on our career and start childbearing when we are more stable. I know he wants to marry me, but I tell him we aren't ready yet. This causes me to put a lot of pressure on him.


I know he's trying and giving it his all, but it seems like I am fighting myself. The battle to not see other people, and keep my options open, he calls me constantly, and I call him at times too, but we can spend 2-3hrs on the phone, and it doesn't help that factormatt6 is a great conversationalist. At times, I just feel like I am not in the mood for conversation but don't want to put it across to him, so as not to hurt his feelings.

Also, Op can be very insecure, It was one of the things I have noticed about him so he can take somethings I say or do personally , he then starts to sulk, so I find myself watching myself so that I don't hurt his feelings . But I also feel like I am in a landmine with him sometimes. He's also an intense person and that scares me, I am more laid back. He can also be a monitoring spirit at times but it's cool.


Then to top it all off, is this terrible lockdown, we try to keep things afloat by chatting a lot. But I find myself feeling drained. I started the lockdown earlier than everyone else and staying at home,leaves me drained. I feel like I don't have the energy anymore to read, chat with him, or even go outside. I find myself feeling heavy. All efforts made by my sisters to make me leave the compound prove abortive. Here I am, unemployed when I am supposed to the working and gathering finances for our visions and I am stuck at home. I am even resenting my family members for taking it so well. My parents still go to work because they are in essential services but I feel useless and just want to be left to myself. I feel like a failure. I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of being poor, and I'm poor right now.

factormatt6 I'm sorry if I made you feel bad for asking for space. I love you. It's not your fault. I'll come round soon. I know the lockdown is affecting him too. I keep arguing with him to make new friends or talk to more people online. But it's hard to do so this lockdown. Guess I am being my paranoid, afraid and unreasonable self as usual. It's not your fault dear. I love you.

. I put too much pressure on you, I take a lot of your time, I am truly sorry. After the lock down, a lot of things will occupy my time. Please bear with me. If you choose to be patience with me, I won't by anyway treat you with any form of disrespect. I truly love you. If you choose to let go,I won't take it personal rather it will help to make me a better person in future.

factormatt6:
. I put too much pressure on you, I take a lot of your time, I am truly sorry. After the lock down, a lot of things will occupy my time. Please bear with me. If you choose to be patience with me, I won't by anyway treat you with any form of disrespect. I truly love you. If you choose to let go,I won't take it personal rather it will help to make me a better person in future.

thank you dear. I'm sorry for making you worry.

cococandy:
My advice to both of you if y’all are for real would be to figure out what you want to do with your lives first. And see if you both fit into each other’s life goals.
If not, don’t let any opportunities to find suitable partners pass you by. But not before you’ve done your best to make it work.

You’re both in a rut so to say. OP at 30 doesn’t know exactly what he wants to do and the girl is right to be worried. Baby girl while still young at 25 doesn’t mean you’re not mature enough to have stuff figured nor does it mean that you have time to wait until you’re older before you start figuring it out.

It’s not necessarily about making a good income (even though that’s important) but it’s also about stability and
a clear cut direction in life.

Thank you. We know that our visions align. But we will give it our all.

cococandy:
My advice to both of you if y’all are for real would be to figure out what you want to do with your lives first. And see if you both fit into each other’s life goals.
If not, don’t let any opportunities to find suitable partners pass you by. But not before you’ve done your best to make it work.

You’re both in a rut so to say. OP at 30 doesn’t know exactly what he wants to do and the girl is right to be worried. Baby girl while still young at 25 doesn’t mean you’re not mature enough to have stuff figured nor does it mean that you have time to wait until you’re older before you start figuring it out.

It’s not necessarily about making a good income (even though that’s important) but it’s also about stability and
a clear cut direction in life.

. I have a clear cut goal in life even before my girl come into the picture. I am the type that draw a plan and ways to fulfill my plan.I went back to school for a reason, I should have just settle for less.