Hello,

Please no ethnic banters. One of us is from Ekiti, and the other is from Benue. I am married for 8 years with 2 kids. It has been one problem to another.

I must be very frank, before marriage, my wife had many very questionable characters, but unfortunately we did the marriage counseling in a church were the pastor happened to be her family member. Many of the issues would have been resolved, but when I raised those issues about her character the pastor promised me that everything will be fine after the marriage.
Although this is not an excuse, but looking back now I would have been more patient and taken my decision myself instead of rushing into the marriage. For this I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE

There is hardly nothing we do not quarrel about, I have always been the one to initiate settlement. The only way I ensure that there is peace in the house is for me not to complain about anything. Even at that, there is always trouble. If the children do anything wrong, she always says those characters the children are exhibiting are not from her and that she is not surprised that they inherited such characters from me.

She can go for months without talking to me, even if I tried to, I have done all I could do, I have begged, cried prayed. I just feel tired and exhausted from trying to make the marriage work or have peace in the home, the sad part is that she often reminds me every time there is misunderstanding that I should remember that she can stay on her own without talking to any body. Just to add, she is very prayerful.

OTHER INFORMATION.
1. I can say conveniently that there is no money problem at home. Finance is okay.
2. I went to see her father 2 years ago, the man said unfortunately he can not do anything. This is true because she was raised away from her Father, she has no contact with any of her fathers family and her father has a zero say in her life.
3. she has 5 elders ones, non of them is in communication with her because of many unresolved issues. Of her 3 younger ones she only maintains a relationship with the last boy who is just 14 years. .
4. Her mum can not talk to her because she simply dares not. However, behind, her mother use to beg me and she kept saying she understands her daughter's character and that she is doing her best by praying and doing deliverance for her.
5. She is not in contact with her maternal uncles and aunt because she said they supported her elder ones when she had problem with them.

So I am stuck with no one to help call the both of us and resolve the issue.

Every year for 5 straight years, she always forgets my birthday, last year, she forgot also, three days later, she bought me a present and I refused to collect the present and I asked her why does she keep forgetting my birthday, year after year for 5 years. She just said sorry, but I left the present in the room, she never bothered to bring the present to me. Another birthday was gone yesterday 2nd May, and as I write, no happy birthday yet.

I literally cook for myself, and all domestic things I do for myself.

I will end this by saying that in fairness to her, her character was not too different before the marriage and courtship, sincerely only once, that was like one year before the marriage I broke up with her, she came to apologize and promised that she will change. Her mother also came to apologize to me also.

This woman has refused to change or allow peace to hold sway, she is right every time, while everybody around is wrong. Sincerely, I do not know what to do anymore.

I am tired and exhausted. I do not know what to do anymore. I am 42, I was diagnosed of high blood pressure 2 years ago.

noakchukibadan:
Hello,
Please no ethnic banters. One of us is from Ekiti, and the other is from Benue. I am married for 8 years with 2 kids. It has been one problem to another. I must be very frank, before marriage, my wife had many very questionable characters, but unfortunately we did the marriage counseling in a church were the pastor happened to be her family member,many of the issues would have been resolved, but when I raised those issues about her character the pastor promised me that everything will be fine after the marriage, although this is not an excuse, but looking back now I would have been more patient and taken my decision myself instead of rushing into the marriage. For this I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE
There is hardly nothing we do not quarrel about, I have always been the one to initiate settlement. The only way I ensure that there is peace in the house is for me not to complain about anything. Even at that, there is always trouble. If the children does anything wrong, she always those characters the children are exhibiting are not from her and that she is not surprised that they inherited such characters from me.
She can go for months without we talking to me, even if I tried to, I have done all I could do, i have begged, cried prayed . I just feel tired and exhausted from trying to make the marriage work or have peace in the home, the sad part is that she often reminds me every time there is misunderstanding that I should remember that she can stay on her own without talking to any body. Just to add, she is very prayerful.

OTHER INFORMATION.
1. I can say conveniently that their is no money problem at home. Finance is okay.
2. I went to see her father 2 years ago the man said unfortunately he can not do anything . This is true because she was raised away from her Father, she has no contact with any of her fathers family and her father has a zero say in her life.
3. she has 5 elders ones, non of them is in communication with her because of many unresolved issues. Of her 3 younger ones she only maintains a relationship with the last boy who is just 14 years. .
4. Her mum can not talk to her because she simply dare not. However, behind, her mother use to beg me and she kept saying she understands her daughter's character and that she is doing her best by praying and doing deliverance for her.
5. She is not in contact with her maternal uncles and aunt because she said they supported her elder ones when she had problem with them.

So I am stuck with no one to help call the both of us and resolve the issue.

Every year for 5 straight years , she always forgets my birthday, last year, she forgot also, three days later, she bought me a present and I refused to collect the present and I asked her why does she keep forgetting my birthday, year after year for 5 years. She just said sorry, but I left the present in the room, she never came bother to bring the present to me. Another birthday was gone yesterday 2nd May , and as I write, no happy birthday yet.

I literally cook for myself, and all domestic things I do for myself.

I will end this by saying that in fairness to her, her character was not too different before the marriage and courtship, sincerely only once, that was like one year before the marriage I broke up with her, she came to apologize and promised that she will change. Her mother also came to apologize to me also.
This woman has refused to change or allow peace to hold sway, she is right every time, while everybody around is wrong. Sincerely, I do not know what to do anymore.
I am tired and exhausted. I do not know what to do anymore. I am 42, I was diagnosed of her blood pressure 2 years ago.

IF THIS WHOLE STORY IS TRUE, Then sir, you have tried. you need a clean break.

BAD CHARACTER is like TOOTHACHE... you may have to remove the tooth.

See, the pastor and family deceived you. This is why I hate how marriage is done in Africa, THEY LIE TO SINGLES CLAIMING AFTER MARRIAGE TILL WILL GET BETTER only to marry then they start preaching to you to MANAGE.

In NIGERIA, MARRIAGE = MANAGING.

So, I can not say it is a spiritual matter, but with all you have said I feel you should prayerfully divorce her. And move on with your life lest you die early of HBP.

I feel sorry for you! Your home is where you should be longing to come to after a hectic day at work. But the reverse is the case for you. Your spouse should be your best friend... But according to you she is not and neither is she willing to change for the better. To crown it all you are tending towards hypertension. The ball is in your court. Sincerly from your heart if i may ask, what do you want to do?

Don't be pressurized to death

No one should be miserable.
All I can say is you deserve to be happy.

From your post —

1. Your wife doesn't care about you like you care about her. She's all about herself and her alone.

2. Repeated attempts to fix things failed all at the cost of your happiness.

Time to divorce.

But before you give up though, look in the mirror and think about what YOU have done to fix the relationship. Did you give it an honest try??

If your story up there is true, then I feel so sorry for you sir.

I will advise a separation for a while to see if she on her own will realize her follies and repent. If not, divorce, sorry to say.

She has a very bad character from your story, she isn't in good terms with anyone around her at all. Haba! There's no one she answers to, that's bad.

Seperate for a while before you die of hbp. Pele sir.

noakchukibadan:
Hello,
Please no ethnic banters. One of us is from Ekiti, and the other is from Benue. I am married for 8 years with 2 kids. It has been one problem to another. I m I iust be very frank, before marriage, my wife had many very questionable characters, but unfortunately we did the marriage counseling in a church were the pastor happened to be her family member,many of the issues would have been resolved, but when I raised those issues about her character the pastor promised me that everything will be fine after the marriage, although this is not an excuse, but looking back now I would have been more patient and taken my decision myself instead of rushing into the marriage. For this I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE
There is hardly nothing we do not quarrel about, I have always been the one to initiate settlement. The only way I ensure that there is peace in the house is for me not to complain about anything. Even at that, there is always trouble. If the children does anything wrong, she always those characters the children are exhibiting are not from her and that she is not surprised that they inherited such characters from me.
She can go for months without we talking to me, even if I tried to, I have done all I could do, i have begged, cried prayed . I just feel tired and exhausted from trying to make the marriage work or have peace in the home, the sad part is that she often reminds me every time there is misunderstanding that I should remember that she can stay on her own without talking to any body. Just to add, she is very prayerful.

OTHER INFORMATION.
1. I can say conveniently that their is no money problem at home. Finance is okay.
2. I went to see her father 2 years ago the man said unfortunately he can not do anything . This is true because she was raised away from her Father, she has no contact with any of her fathers family and her father has a zero say in her life.
3. she has 5 elders ones, non of them is in communication with her because of many unresolved issues. Of her 3 younger ones she only maintains a relationship with the last boy who is just 14 years. .
4. Her mum can not talk to her because she simply dare not. However, behind, her mother use to beg me and she kept saying she understands her daughter's character and that she is doing her best by praying and doing deliverance for her.
5. She is not in contact with her maternal uncles and aunt because she said they supported her elder ones when she had problem with them.

So I am stuck with no one to help call the both of us and resolve the issue.

Every year for 5 straight years , she always forgets my birthday, last year, she forgot also, three days later, she bought me a present and I refused to collect the present and I asked her why does she keep forgetting my birthday, year after year for 5 years. She just said sorry, but I left the present in the room, she never came bother to bring the present to me. Another birthday was gone yesterday 2nd May , and as I write, no happy birthday yet.

I literally cook for myself, and all domestic things I do for myself.

I will end this by saying that in fairness to her, her character was not too different before the marriage and courtship, sincerely only once, that was like one year before the marriage I broke up with her, she came to apologize and promised that she will change. Her mother also came to apologize to me also.
This woman has refused to change or allow peace to hold sway, she is right every time, while everybody around is wrong. Sincerely, I do not know what to do anymore.
I am tired and exhausted. I do not know what to do anymore. I am 42, I was diagnosed of her blood pressure 2 years ago.

You realize that the error is all yours for not choosing well.

For that, you are half way there.

You mentioned that you married in the Church: brother you know that except adultery and I will say abuse, you can't divorce your wife.

You have tried counseling, reporting her to family etc. etc. and it has not worked.

Now, I want you to try changing your reaction to her attitude. You have been married long enough to 'predict' her actions/inactions.

She forgot your birthday, fine. Celebrate yourself. Go out with the kids, go out with your friends etc.

She tries to keep malice, apologize and move on.

I know it is hard, it is abnormal even however you need to build a shield in your heart so that her attitude doesn't get to you anymore.

Don't beg or cajole her to 'change' or 'be better' or whatever: you are telling her that she has power over you.

Thank God finances are not a thing: treat your self, go on vacations, do the certifications or courses you wanted to. Channel your emotions into the things you have always wanted to do, pick up new hobbies, go to gym and workout youf frustrations etc.

And prayers work: if not for her to change, for you to be whole mentally and emotionally.

It is well.

It always pain me when men come to narrate that they see all this from the unset as in before the wedding yet u jump in by telling urself that she will change after the marriage.exactly what my brother end his complaints with two days ago,I THOUGHT SHE WILL CHANGE AFTER MARRIAGE

I doubt if she would ever change, because she has maintained this attitude far too long in your union. My best advice is a good counsellor may be able to intervene and if on her part she takes the deliberations serious then I see light at the end of the tunnel. Please continue to be prayerful and you would see things turn around in your home

noakchukibadan:
Hello,
Please no ethnic banters. One of us is from Ekiti, and the other is from Benue. I am married for 8 years with 2 kids. It has been one problem to another. I must be very frank, before marriage, my wife had many very questionable characters, but unfortunately we did the marriage counseling in a church were the pastor happened to be her family member,many of the issues would have been resolved, but when I raised those issues about her character the pastor promised me that everything will be fine after the marriage, although this is not an excuse, but looking back now I would have been more patient and taken my decision myself instead of rushing into the marriage. For this I HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE
There is hardly nothing we do not quarrel about, I have always been the one to initiate settlement. The only way I ensure that there is peace in the house is for me not to complain about anything. Even at that, there is always trouble. If the children does anything wrong, she always those characters the children are exhibiting are not from her and that she is not surprised that they inherited such characters from me.
She can go for months without we talking to me, even if I tried to, I have done all I could do, i have begged, cried prayed . I just feel tired and exhausted from trying to make the marriage work or have peace in the home, the sad part is that she often reminds me every time there is misunderstanding that I should remember that she can stay on her own without talking to any body. Just to add, she is very prayerful.

OTHER INFORMATION.
1. I can say conveniently that their is no money problem at home. Finance is okay.
2. I went to see her father 2 years ago the man said unfortunately he can not do anything . This is true because she was raised away from her Father, she has no contact with any of her fathers family and her father has a zero say in her life.
3. she has 5 elders ones, non of them is in communication with her because of many unresolved issues. Of her 3 younger ones she only maintains a relationship with the last boy who is just 14 years. .
4. Her mum can not talk to her because she simply dare not. However, behind, her mother use to beg me and she kept saying she understands her daughter's character and that she is doing her best by praying and doing deliverance for her.
5. She is not in contact with her maternal uncles and aunt because she said they supported her elder ones when she had problem with them.

So I am stuck with no one to help call the both of us and resolve the issue.

Every year for 5 straight years , she always forgets my birthday, last year, she forgot also, three days later, she bought me a present and I refused to collect the present and I asked her why does she keep forgetting my birthday, year after year for 5 years. She just said sorry, but I left the present in the room, she never came bother to bring the present to me. Another birthday was gone yesterday 2nd May , and as I write, no happy birthday yet.

I literally cook for myself, and all domestic things I do for myself.

I will end this by saying that in fairness to her, her character was not too different before the marriage and courtship, sincerely only once, that was like one year before the marriage I broke up with her, she came to apologize and promised that she will change. Her mother also came to apologize to me also.
This woman has refused to change or allow peace to hold sway, she is right every time, while everybody around is wrong. Sincerely, I do not know what to do anymore.
I am tired and exhausted. I do not know what to do anymore. I am 42, I was diagnosed of her blood pressure 2 years ago.

If you can't stand her any longer, you have to go for a divorce and you can't be living in the same roof and be talking about divorce

Alternatively, ignore her and stay happy by over looking her silly attitudes

You are too young a man to develop BP because of emotional torture and depression

Get a friend and relax your self with your friend if you find happiness in her and let her know everything

If it happens that you want to marry her, team up with your family

Ningen:
No one should be miserable.
All I can say is you deserve to be happy.

From your post —

1. Your wife doesn't care about you like you care about her. She's all about herself and her alone.

2. Repeated attempts to fix things failed all at the cost of your happiness.

Time to divorce.

But before you give up though, look in the mirror and think about what YOU have done to fix the relationship. Did you give it an honest try??

Hmmmmm, I have done most things, for 8 years , I do not think she has apologized more than 3 times on any issue. Like I said I have prayed, and fasted. I have cried, and begged.

noakchukibadan:
Hmmmmm, I have done most things, for 8 years , I do not think she has apologized more than 3 times on any issue. Like I said I have prayed, and fasted. I have cried, and begged.

Stop crying and begging for starters.

You are giving her 'the ammunition' to toy with your emotions more.

Sorry my dear but honestly you have to over look some many things to make your marriage work,there is no perfect person you don't even know whom you will get next, don't attach so much important in so many small thing(e.g just know she is not a birthday person,not carrying grudges that she don't use to rem it),always forgive, don't act quarellsomely for e.g not accepting her gift BC ur birthday escape her mind,why will you even reject her gift expecting her to beg u b4 collecting it,Are you God! You're even the cause of some of your problems with her,learn how to appreciate and complain less,ignore so many things no body is perfect.all the best.

kodix:
Sorry my dear but honestly you have to over look some many things to make your marriage work,there is no perfect person you don't even know whom you will get next, don't attach so much important in so many small thing(e.g just know she is not a birthday person,not carrying grudges that she don't use to rem it),always forgive, don't act quarellsomely for e.g not accepting her gift BC ur birthday escape her mind,why will you even reject her gift expecting her to beg u b4 collecting it,Are you God! You're even the cause of some of your problems with her,learn how to appreciate and complain less,ignore so many things no body is perfect.all the best.

. Well, thanks for the advice, maybe I forgot to say that she places huge importance on birthdays, for her I must throw a party, every year for 7 years, and she can not even remember mine. Just to say happy birthday ?

Some idiats above me don't know that data is costly during this covid-19 period than ever.

Eleyi gidigan. This one pass me

kodix:
Sorry my dear but honestly you have to over look some many things to make your marriage work,there is no perfect person you don't even know whom you will get next, don't attach so much important in so many small thing(e.g just know she is not a birthday person,not carrying grudges that she don't use to rem it),always forgive, don't act quarellsomely for e.g not accepting her gift BC ur birthday escape her mind,why will you even reject her gift expecting her to beg u b4 collecting it,Are you God! You're even the cause of some of your problems with her,learn how to appreciate and complain less,ignore so many things no

You nailed it here. Op too has got an attitude problem himself. Why complain about Birthday issue and when she got one and presented to him, he never appreciated it 'cus she didn't get it done when he wanted it.

Op, u knew her character b4 getting married. Try live with it since u don't fight each other. No 2 perfect people on the face of this earth.

noakchukibadan:
. Well, thanks for the advice, maybe I forgot to say that she places huge importance on birthdays, for her I must throw a party, every year for 7 years, and she can not even remember mine. Just to say happy birthday ?

Stop caring!
For her attention.
For her affection.

Just decide that it is enough!
Expect nothing from her so you don't get disappointed, and then suffer heart break each time.
Let her be by herself and how she wants to be.
She is a very wicked, cold-hearted, manipulative and selfish woman period.

andyanders:


You nailed it here. Op too has got an attitude problem himself. Why complain about Birthday issue and when she got one and presented to him, he never appreciated it 'cus she didn't get it done when he wanted it.

Op, u knew her character b4 getting married. Try live with it since u don't fight each other. No 2 perfect people on the face of this earth.

It was not just one occasion my dear, year after year.

Masonkaycares:
Some idiats above me don't know that data is costly during this covid-19 period than ever.

You can always contact us to get your data at affordable prices

noakchukibadan:
It was not just one occasion my dear, year after year.

One has to learn to overlook some flimsy excusses if you want ur marriage to work. My brother u knew from the beginning the type of woman ur partner is and shouldn't expect less. Everytime she doesn't remember ur bd and won't appologize when reminded, let her be and think about ur life. I feel 4 u and advise u ignor her and think about u nd nobody else.

Having said that, if u cannot stand her attitude cus of ur health situation, take a walk and maybe, you can think or seek 4 a divorce.

andyanders:


You nailed it here. Op too has got an attitude problem himself. Why complain about Birthday issue and when she got one and presented to him, he never appreciated it 'cus she didn't get it done when he wanted it.

Op, u knew her character b4 getting married. Try live with it since u don't fight each other . No 2 perfect people on the face of this earth.

@bold:

100%

frozen70:


If you can't stand her any longer, you have to go for a divorce and you can't be living in the same roof and be talking about divorce

Alternatively, ignore her and stay happy by over looking her silly attitudes

You are too young a man to develop BP because of emotional torture and depression

Get a friend and relax your self with your friend if you find happiness in her and let her know everything

If it happens that you want to marry her, team up with your family

I always like your position. Unbiased. Another lady up there is saying the man should continue to bear until he drops dead abi?
I always advocate hearing both side of the story though
I have come to discover that when a woman is in the wrong, women in this forum tend to gloss over the issue and tell the man to suck it up, but if the reverse is the case, they will bare their fangs and go on the attack!
Cc bukatyne

bukatyne:


You realize that the error is all yours for not choosing well.

For that, you are half way there.

You mentioned that you married in the Church: brother you know that except adultery and I will say abuse, you can't divorce your wife.

You have tried counseling, reporting her to family etc. etc. and it has not worked.

Now, I want you to try changing your reaction to her attitude. You have been married long enough to 'predict' her actions/inactions.

She forgot your birthday, fine. Celebrate yourself. Go out with the kids, go out with your friends etc.

She tries to keep malice, apologize and move on.

I know it is hard, it is abnormal even however you need to build a shield in your heart so that her attitude doesn't get to you anymore.

Don't beg or cajole her to 'change' or 'be better' or whatever: you are telling her that she has power over you.

Thank God finances are not a thing: treat your self, go on vacations, do the certifications or courses you wanted to. Channel your emotions into the things you have always wanted to do, pick up new hobbies, go to gym and workout youf frustrations etc.

And prayers work: if not for her to change, for you to be whole mentally and emotionally.

It is well.

if he's your brother you will advice him to die there

bukatyne:


@bold:

100%

Bukatyne, that is life 4 everyone. No two perfect people and if it's not working out, one got to take a walk. It's not by force.

noakchukibadan:
. Well, thanks for the advice, maybe I forgot to say that she places huge importance on birthdays, for her I must throw a party, every year for 7 years, and she can not even remember mine. Just to say happy birthday ?

Then stop throwing parties.
Stop remembering her own birthdays too.
Wetin na.
The earlier you come to the realisation that you have never been a priority to your wife, the better for you.
She's never going to change, and that means if you're basing your emotions on her you will never be happy.
But why did you marry her though, knowing how she was?

This thread is still on page 1?

Sir, if you keep enduring and tolerating, be ready to do that all your life and be sure you might either die young or still forced to walk away at 60yrs or more. Leopard do not change skin. Your sanity should be paramount. If you sit, look deep down and realise you can no longer cope, walk away. If you feel you are too attched and will be unable to cope, then have it in mind that you might have to do this when you attain 60yrs of age. Especially when she feels she's capable of doing well without you. I won't be surprised if she comes here to defame you. We all have flaws and she will push your flaws out of you and defame you with same. I wish you well.

nams77:

I always like your position. Unbiased. Another lady up there is saying the man should continue to bear until he drops dead abi?
I always advocate hearing both side of the story though
I have come to discover that when a woman is in the wrong, women in this forum tend to gloss over the issue and tell the man to suck it up, but if the reverse is the case, they will bare their fangs and go on the attack!
Cc bukatyne

Thanks for the acknowledgement

No one should put anyone through emotional torture in the name of marriage

You see those women here supporting nonsense from their fellow women, they are yet to experience the content in the cookie jar of marriage

This is your burden, you either manage it or abandon it. There is nothing anyone will say here that will help you, we don't live with you at home.
If you feel you will get a better woman out there that will improve your quality of life, then go for it. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
To be honest, in my own opinion, your wife's issues are manageable. I feel it's something one can learn to live with. After all you saw it coming and you felt you could cope.

bukatyne:


You realize that the error is all yours for not choosing well.

For that, you are half way there.

You mentioned that you married in the Church: brother you know that except adultery and I will say abuse, you can't divorce your wife.

You have tried counseling, reporting her to family etc. etc. and it has not worked.

Now, I want you to try changing your reaction to her attitude. You have been married long enough to 'predict' her actions/inactions.

She forgot your birthday, fine. Celebrate yourself. Go out with the kids, go out with your friends etc.

She tries to keep malice, apologize and move on.

I know it is hard, it is abnormal even however you need to build a shield in your heart so that her attitude doesn't get to you anymore.

Don't beg or cajole her to 'change' or 'be better' or whatever: you are telling her that she has power over you.

Thank God finances are not a thing: treat your self, go on vacations, do the certifications or courses you wanted to. Channel your emotions into the things you have always wanted to do, pick up new hobbies, go to gym and workout youf frustrations etc.

And prayers work: if not for her to change, for you to be whole mentally and emotionally.

It is well.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE is a formidable ground for divorce ... emotional abuse is deadlier than domestic abuse don’t be deceived ... Sticks and stones may break ones bones but Ill-words and attitude is a silent painful killer that destroys ones heart!!!