This is the story of my marital life.I need your advice nairalanders. please no insults.

I married at the age of 23 ,that was immediately I finished nysc.I met my hubby while preparing for law school.He toasted me for a period of two years. I actually refused to date him because I felt he was short, not from a rich home,had an accent, and not really my class. Nevertheless I was sill in constant communication with him.I was very free with him which I regret. During that period he came to Lagos took me out we made out and he was so happy I had agreed. when he went back to his place of work(Anambra) I did not feel happy.I told him I wasn't interested in the relationship.He called my cousin to talk to me .I insulted him and told him I do not love him as he is irritating me,even with all the insult he kept toasting me.

He was very sure I was his wife.He said God showed him in his dream. He told us to fast together so that God can reveal it too me since I wasn't sure.I fasted but nothing was revealed.I followed my sister to a church ,the pastor of the church told me that if I married that suitor coming for me I will regret it. I told him what the pastor said and he started crying begging my sister that he will forever love me.


I told him that if in the next 6months we still communicate that means we are meant to be together. During this period I dated someone else and I was not in communicado with him. Suddenly I felt an urge to call him,even though I did not know that month was the 6 month.I called him and that is how we renewed our communication. He told me too choose between the guy I was dating and him.I choose him and broke up with the guy because I felt the guy was not ready for marriage for the next 5 years, while I was as he was still hustling. I agreed to date him and marry him on the condition that he will not use how I treated him and refused him to judge me. My ex and a male friend a toaster from nysc called me and I warned them to stop calling me.He picked up the call and told them to stop calling.Anyways My father wasn't happy because he felt he was from a poor home,but I didn't care again because I felt he had potentials and that he loved me dearly since he fought for me. He and my mum were close. We did introduction.During nysc I was not allowed to go for any event.He always wanted to know where I was every minute.If I didn't pick my call the series of explanation will be much. Even to attend my pastor's birthday was a problem.I had too beg but it all fell on deaf ears.He will cry when he is upset with me and he will start cursing and swearing for himself.i will beg .My roommate witnessed all these and told me that he was controlling me too much .When I had a quarell with him I told him what she said even though I did not mention her name. Before that I used to gossip about my roommate and neighbours with him.I was so naive,I told him about my past relationships,even about my toasters.I trusted him so much.I thought I was confinding in my best friend.Anyways he made me delete her number and disassociate myself from her after a 3 days quarell.He came down to my place of service and He made me swear with my womb that I never chatted with her after blocking her on WhatsApp.I refused to swear as it is against my principles.I walked out and he dragged me back to the room.

Fastfoward to post marriage he judges me with the past.Talks about how I treated him badly.He doesn't trust me at all.He says I cheated on him by dating the other guy.He dosent like seeing me talk with guys or someone he dosent know.Meanwhile he has a lot of friends I don't know o.He flushed my sim inside toilet and made me change my line and leave Facebook and WhatsApp. He made me leave nairaland too after he saw the p.ms .I don't have any friends.I have no one to confide in. Anytime I talk and he dosent like my point of view he will shout at me and shut me up like I am a dullard,when we are watching news or movie.He hardly apologises or commends me .He is quick to criticize.When he is angry he will refuse to eat my food and I will beg.Even when I am wrong I will beg.He never accepts that he is wrong.I always beg and cry.

when I was pregnant,I was down with malaria a lot of times and couldn't do any chore.He took me for deliverance and acted as if I brought the sickness upon myself.when I tell him how I feel he turns it around and puts the blame on me. He is good with words and manipulative, to the extent I use to think I need a checkup on my brain cos he makes it seem I am forgetful.

The good thing about him is that he is not a womanizer.He provides and works hard for the family.We do not lack any food.

Anything he says I must do it,if I don't do it due to forgetfullness he will say I forgot because I don't respect him and value his words.He is always frowning,even when he comes back from work.He hardly laughs.I am a stay at home mum. I do not have a job yet though I am searching as there are no law firms here as this is a village. I cannot even play with him or confide in him he won't even answer me.If I ask a question he will say why am I asking or ignore me.He says I don't respect him.I do everything in my power to make him feel like the head of the house to my emotional detriment. when I opened up to him that I wanted him to be more caring and loving ,at least to ask how my day was or commend me when taking care of our two kids or even say I look beautiful.He did not accept he was wrong. he kept me malice for almost 3 months giving me silent treatment and I kept to myself.During that period i told him I wanted a seperation as he always threatened me with a divorce.We decided to stay for the kids.when we tried to talk and settle .He slapped me and used a belt on me telling me not to talk while he is talking.He dosent respect me. please ladies before you get married have a good job or a means of livelihood.Even though he sponsored my masters in law .He dosent pray again as he says I made his spiritual life to deplete.He belongs to charismatic.

I am scared of making friends as I feel he may not like it.I am lonely.only my kids keep me company. I have low self esteem.If you see me you won't believe I have masters in law. look soD timid.Do you know he shouts at me in public,in church.

Note-I am very gentle,friendly and free spirited.I play a lot and I like laughing and gisting.He provides food and loves his children so much,he sponsored my masters.He buys me cloths and makes sure I don't lack.He works very hard. If I decide to leave now I have 0 naira in my account.He said he will take the kids.I will be left empty .mature Nairalanders what is your opinion?

Na wah for you.Why choose to marry someone you knew deep down was not your type?
You saw the signs even during NYSC but you still remained in the relationship.I don't know why some of you girls accept things like this.Low self esteem and insecurities?The fear of starting again or the man's financial status?

You either leave the marriage or continue to live like that with him.His nature is something that won't change.
You could fight for the custody of your children but you don't even have a financial base.Maybe you need to build some financial muscle and save while you bid your time.

thorpido:
Na wah for you.Why choose to marry someone you knew deep down was not your type?

I honestly don't know.

First of all, what's the age difference ?. I suspect it might be at least 7-10 years

Never for once in your post did you state that you love him. RED FLAG

Never for once did you really state a core, good characteristic a husband, or any spouse should have RED FLAG

The fact that he fought for you, and sponsored your masters, and loves his kids, doesn't make him a good husband. Those were the only "good" things you spoke of him, nothing else. His priorities as a good husband are first to take good care of you emotionally, physically and in all areas, before anyone else, including your children.

I am not trying to judge you, I just wanted to point out certain facts and prevent other people from making the same mistakes you've made.

Now, to the resolution.

Don't let me sugarcoat things and deceive you, the only way to solve this problem is to change his mentality and mindset, without which no resolution is possible.

True love is all about selflessness, he shows no single sign of selflessness, he sees you as a trophy, a game he played for so long, and he owns you, possibly revenge for the way he was treated by you.

Can this be fixed ? Yes it can, but its a lot of hard work, it won't come easily, its not easy to change a mentality that has been built over decades. But its doable.

You can also ask God to touch his heart, and fix his mind.

If you can get him to do it, both of you can see a marriage counselor. He needs his mentality changed.

You deserve to be loved, appreciated and treated with respect.

Did you make a mistake, yes.
Is it going to be hard to resolve if you chose to stay in the marriage, yes.
Is it doable, yes.

Without working on his mind, physically and spiritually. You can't fix this situation.

Truly you were naive. I tell people the worst mistake an African woman can ever make is to marry wrong man because nobody will save you, you alone can help yourself then family will support.

This man has successfully suppressed you. With two kids and no job, it would be really really hard to start over, except you have good family support.

You're not living life.
This life, that's just too damn short.

You've been regelated to a non-existent level.
A sufferer of emotional and physical abuse.

It's cruel that you've accepted your fate.
Even though you've so much potential; to be independent, find true happiness and live alive!

If you're comfortable being treated like trash...
Who am I to intrude??

Please for the sake of security; GET A JOB.

It’s sad that you’re going through this nightmare but you entered it with your eyes wide open. You were lucky he revealed his true nature before you married him, many were not so lucky.

These kind of men are dangerous to leave without a good stealth getaway plan. He has isolated you and made you compliant to stay at your detriment. Moving to a village with little to no career opportunities for you was a calculated choice. I bet he rarely gives you cash but would rather buy all what you need himself.

You need to find a means of making money, you need to reconnect with your support system and you need to get away from the physical and emotional abuse.

He seems like the “if I can’t have her, no one will” kind of guy.

Get something doing . Something that makes your happy and challenging. Learnt something new

Everyone is blaming the hubby. No one tells OP the truth.
The fact the he keeps reminding you of your past means that he hasent gotten over the way you treated him back then. He still holds that grudges for you.
It seems you made him feel worthless. Look at tge terms you used to describe him, short, classless and not rich....Haba mana...
Am sure your friend would have told him about these statements since they were friends too.
The worst thing you can do to a man is to make him have low esteem, when he bounces back, he becomes a different person.
The fact that he takes care of the home front means that he cares and truly loves you.
There is a solution though, you have to apologize to him for the way you treated him in the past. A very honest apology.
From your description so far, he isnt a bad or controlling person, he is just acting his vendetta.
Dont think of divorce or now, try to make your marriage work. But if you realise he isnt gonna change,then you can leave peacefully.
Cheers

And u were a law graduate? And u couldn't "put it to him" anymore or u have forgotten how?

This submissive attitude was never how I knew law graduates. Especially from the uni I graduated from those days..That is why it's not good to generalise..

But my dear, That man is sulking your self esteem like a butterfly on flower... By the time everything is done, u might not be confident enough to spell your own name because u will be afraid of making mistakes... U will be needing his help 24hrs.. That's caging dear..

thorpido:
Na wah for you.Why choose to marry someone you knew deep down was not your type?
You saw the signs even during NYSC but you still remained in the relationship.I don't know why some of you girls accept things like this.Low self esteem and insecurities?The fear of starting again or the man's financial status?

You either leave the marriage or continue to live like that with him.His nature is something that won't change.
You could fight for the custody of your children but you don't even have a financial base.Maybe you need to build some financial muscle and save while you bid you time.

He is hot tempered.A choleric.Do you know people avoid him because he talks brashly. He talks anyhow and dosent really respect people.

Richy4:
And u were a law graduate? And u couldn't "put it to him" anymore or u have forgotten how?

This submissive attitude was never how I knew law graduates. Especially from the uni I graduated from those days..That is why it's not good to generalise..

But my dear, That man is sulking your self esteem like a butterfly on flower... By the time everything is done, u might not be confident enough to spell your own name because u will be afraid of making mistakes... U will be needing his help 24hrs.. That's caging dear..

I am docile.It is just for peace of mind.I don't want trouble o.

Honesty001:
I am docile.It is just for peace of mind.I don't want trouble o.

I understand the idea of compromise but For how long will you continue like this? I heard that 26yrs nowadays develops HBP.. don't be among the statistics..

When u are out on maternity, please find something doing.. if not one day you will also question your own certificate...

he wanted to have 100% power over you.. reading between the lines, I think he has gained 80% already.. handing him 10 more will be suicidal. Seriously look for something to do no matter how small..

Richy4:
And u were a law graduate? And u couldn't "put it to him" anymore or u have forgotten how?

This submissive attitude was never how I knew law graduates. Especially from the uni I graduated from those days..That is why it's not good to generalise..

But my dear, That man is sulking your self esteem like a butterfly on flower... By the time everything is done, u might not be confident enough to spell your own name because u will be afraid of making mistakes... U will be needing his help 24hrs.. That's caging dear..

Your last paragraph is my reality

Honesty001:
Your last paragraph is my reality

Kindly check my response above.

Honesty001:
He is hot tempered.A choleric.Do you know people avoid him because he talks brashly. He talks anyhow and dosent really respect people.

He is being who he is, as I said above. Its his mindset, his personality. If you don't find a way to change his mind physically and spiritually, hmmm......

Donald3d:

Did you make a mistake, yes.
Is it going to be hard to resolve if you chose to stay in the marriage, yes.
Is it doable, yes.

Without working on his mind, physically and spiritually. You can't fix this situation.

You missed one tiny little detail. He used a belt on her.

.when we tried to talk and settle .He slapped me and used a belt on me telling me not to talk while he is talking.

Yup. You need to find a way to leave this person.
Be smart about it.

Donald3d:

He is being who he is, as I said above. Its his mindset, his personality. If you don't find a way to change his mind physically and spiritually, hmmm......

how can one change someone else like this?

Richy4:
And u were a law graduate? And u couldn't "put it to him" anymore or u have forgotten how?

This submissive attitude was never how I knew law graduates. Especially from the uni I graduated from those days..That is why it's not good to generalise..

... U will be needing his help 24hrs.. That's caging dear..

I love that opinion about law students and graduates.
It's like the movie "MR & MRS".

You need to stand your ground and face him. Ẹ don do, una Don try playing mumu, this time around, play smart, intelligent and strong.

doitforyou:

You missed one tiny little detail. He used a belt on her.

I saw it.
Its still goes down to the fact that he has the wrong mentality, and doesn't value her, or at least doesn't fully understand her value.
Every action or inaction taken by humans starts from their mind.

cococandy:
how can one change someone else like this?

Its almost impossible, but its doable.
She made the first mistake, multiple mistakes in fact, but I don't want to be judgmental.Everyone makes mistakes.

My opinion is a bit radical.

You only get one chance to live this life. You don't get out of it alive. If I say you should leave your husband kids, etc and go and live the baby girl life with your folks, you might think it's crazy. Life is too short for stupid drama.

I am married but I am balling still. If my marriage wasn't working, I would take a walk and have fun. Look for how to make money so you can get your kids with you.

Where are these kind of people manufactured kwanu?

Another "arrangee" story. I identify a fake story when I read one.

SMH.

All of these started pre-marriage, yet you still walked into it. It's either you continue with someone who is depleting life out of you by verbally, emotionally and physically abusing you, or you make the right decision for yourself and your children. You choose.

.

Yes, marriage is soooo worth it but you have to choose the right partner for the journey.

Your problem is not money. The issue is that you have completely
succumbed to the abuse and your mind has come up with a perfect excuse for staying. Truth is, if you had money today, even **** if**** you left, you would go back to him. If you got a high paying job today, it wouldn't mater. If your family rescued you today, you would still go back to him

What you need is the emotional strength to leave. It is in you but it is buried deep. Only you can dig it up and free yourself from the shackles of abuse. You are a victim of abuse who has learnt to live with it. You need to unlearn it

P.S. If this is just about appealing for funds, please disregard the above.

Honesty001:
This is the story of my marital life.I need your advice nairalanders. please no insults.

I married at the age of 23 ,that was immediately I finished nysc.I met my hubby while preparing for law school.He toasted me for a period of two years. I actually refused to date him because I felt he was short, not from a rich home,had an accent, and not really my class. Nevertheless I was sill in constant communication with him.I was very free with him which I regret. During that period he came to Lagos took me out we made out and he was so happy I had agreed. when he went back to his place of work(Anambra) I did not feel happy.I told him I wasn't interested in the relationship.He called my cousin to talk to me .I insulted him and told him I do not love him as he is irritating me,even with all the insult he kept toasting me.

He was very sure I was his wife.He said God showed him in his dream. He told us to fast together so that God can reveal it too me since I wasn't sure.I fasted but nothing was revealed.I followed my sister to a church ,the pastor of the church told me that if I married that suitor coming for me I will regret it. I told him what the pastor said and he started crying begging my sister that he will forever love me.


I told him that if in the next 6months we still communicate that means we are meant to be together. During this period I dated someone else and I was not in communicado with him. Suddenly I felt an urge to call him,even though I did not know that month was the 6 month.I called him and that is how we renewed our communication. He told me too choose between the guy I was dating and him.I choose him and broke up with the guy because I felt the guy was not ready for marriage for the next 5 years, while I was as he was still hustling. I agreed to date him and marry him on the condition that he will not use how I treated him and refused him to judge me. My ex and a male friend a toaster from nysc called me and I warned them to stop calling me.He picked up the call and told them to stop calling.Anyways My father wasn't happy because he felt he was from a poor home,but I didn't care again because I felt he had potentials and that he loved me dearly since he fought for me. He and my mum were close. We did introduction.During nysc I was not allowed to go for any event.He always wanted to know where I was every minute.If I didn't pick my call the series of explanation will be much. Even to attend my pastor's birthday was a problem.I had too beg but it all fell on deaf ears.He will cry when he is upset with me and he will start cursing and swearing for himself.i will beg .My roommate witnessed all these and told me that he was controlling me too much .When I had a quarell with him I told him what she said even though I did not mention her name. Before that I used to gossip about my roommate and neighbours with him.I was so naive,I told him about my past relationships,even about my toasters.I trusted him so much.I thought I was confinding in my best friend.Anyways he made me delete her number and disassociate myself from her after a 3 days quarell.He came down to my place of service and He made me swear with my womb that I never chatted with her after blocking her on WhatsApp.I refused to swear as it is against my principles.I walked out and he dragged me back to the room.

Fastfoward to post marriage he judges me with the past.Talks about how I treated him badly.He doesn't trust me at all.He says I cheated on him by dating the other guy.He dosent like seeing me talk with guys or someone he dosent know.Meanwhile he has a lot of friends I don't know o.He flushed my sim inside toilet and made me change my line and leave Facebook and WhatsApp. He made me leave nairaland too after he saw the p.ms .I don't have any friends.I have no one to confide in. Anytime I talk and he dosent like my point of view he will shout at me and shut me up like I am a dullard,when we are watching news or movie.He hardly apologises or commends me .He is quick to criticize.When he is angry he will refuse to eat my food and I will beg.Even when I am wrong I will beg.He never accepts that he is wrong.I always beg and cry.

when I was pregnant,I was down with malaria a lot of times and couldn't do any chore.He took me for deliverance and acted as if I brought the sickness upon myself.when I tell him how I feel he turns it around and puts the blame on me. He is good with words and manipulative, to the extent I use to think I need a checkup on my brain cos he makes it seem I am forgetful.

The good thing about him is that he is not a womanizer.He provides and works hard for the family.We do not lack any food.

Anything he says I must do it,if I don't do it due to forgetfullness he will say I forgot because I don't respect him and value his words.He is always frowning,even when he comes back from work.He hardly laughs.I am a stay at home mum. I do not have a job yet though I am searching as there are no law firms here as this is a village. I cannot even play with him or confide in him he won't even answer me.If I ask a question he will say why am I asking or ignore me.He says I don't respect him.I do everything in my power to make him feel like the head of the house to my emotional detriment. when I opened up to him that I wanted him to be more caring and loving ,at least to ask how my day was or commend me when taking care of our two kids or even say I look beautiful.He did not accept he was wrong. he kept me malice for almost 3 months giving me silent treatment and I kept to myself.During that period i told him I wanted a seperation as he always threatened me with a divorce.We decided to stay for the kids.when we tried to talk and settle .He slapped me and used a belt on me telling me not to talk while he is talking.He dosent respect me. please ladies before you get married have a good job or a means of livelihood.Even though he sponsored my masters in law .He dosent pray again as he says I made his spiritual life to deplete.He belongs to charismatic.

I am scared of making friends as I feel he may not like it.I am lonely.only my kids keep me company. I have low self esteem.If you see me you won't believe I have masters in law. look soD timid.Do you know he shouts at me in public,in church.

Note-I am very gentle,friendly and free spirited.I play a lot and I like laughing and gisting.He provides food and loves his children so much,he sponsored my masters.He buys me cloths and makes sure I don't lack.He works very hard. If I decide to leave now I have 0 naira in my account.He said he will take the kids.I will be left empty .mature Nairalanders what is your opinion?

marry for love una no go hear, well you rush in naso you go rush out

So she thinks such a man will allow her to find a job and be independent? Will he not begin another scheme of manipulation when she gets a job? Revolving your entire life around such a man is dangerous, the earlier you associate with people and make friends, the better. Who would you run to if problems should arise now? No one, so you will always be stucked up no matter how miserable the situation is. Saving yourself lies entirely in your hands. Seek God as well.

Inferiority complex due to his experience in life based on his height and family background. You guys need a vacation to clear your head.

Since the is no law firm around you, have you thought of starting a business? You need to start making money.