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Hi everyone, so I am not a new member of Nairaland.
I decided to create this new profile so that I can be annonymous.
I was hoping to speak with some matured people here about the issue of marriage.

I am a 34 year old man who happened to immigrate about 2 years ago, I am a very gentle and highly ambitious person and God has blessed me.
I work for one of the biggest firms here in North America , I used to work in a great firm too back in Naija before immigrating.

Now to the issue of marriage, I am in a kind of dilemna.
I am the type of person that values marriage and a quiet life.
I do not smoke, drink or womanise. I am actually the type you'd call a church boy. I dream for a respectful wife whom I can love and adore and build a family with.

But it seems being in North America makes that complicated.
1. Majority of the women that surrounds me are in their 30s. I personally would prefer to marry someone not older than 26 years for personal reasons.
2. Many of these women are closet feminists and they tend to be much louder than the personality I am looking for in a woman I'd like to settle with.

I have attempted to start relationships with ladies that tend to meet my description back in Nigeria, but I became shocked cos it seems once a lady knows a man is abroad they become lovey dovey. They start to pretend like they are saints so that has put me off as I do not want a lady to pretend for me.

The options before me are :
1. Look for someone that is close to my requirement here and marry her and hope for the best.
2. Look for someone back in naija and marry and sponsor her to North America.
3. Wait for 2 more years, get my citizenship, come back to naija and blend in like a regular guy and try to meet a lady that does not know I am an abroad person to avoid pretense then try to get a babe. (In 2 years time I will be 36 years old, is this not too old ?)

I would like people with a lot of insight to educate me on what appears to be the best option.

Let me ask... You never had female friends who were your close friend back in the days while here in Nigeria?

Most relationship like this would have been better with someone you know to an extent, believe system,etc

If you do,am sure not all of them are married.

You've painted a good picture of what you are going through. I can relate to some extent.

Marrying a girl that truly loves you for who you are will be difficult but not impossible. Marrying a lady over there has consequences that you are well aware of. And seeing that you are the quiet type you won't do well with such problems if and when they arise.

2 option. Get your papers as voice stated then come back and pretend. I tell you if a woman falls in love with you and later finds out who you really are chances are that she will really and truly love you. It will just be like Lois and Clark.

I'll keep the 2nd option to myself. As a good man I don't think I should start sowing ideas of how to be in charge of your feelings for women or how to have a number of them such that if any gives you trouble you simply throw her away since you have what a lot of them are looking for. Even knowing that you have a handful of women want stop them from hanging around. But no...I won't spoil you...

goldenboyofpsy:
Let me ask... You never had female friends who were your close friend back in the days while here in Nigeria?

Most relationship like this would have been better with someone you know to an extent, believe system,etc

If you do,am sure not all of them are married.

Hey bro, many of them are married . The very few that are not are way over 30 years old.

DominusPrime:
You've painted a good picture of what you are going through. I can relate to some extent.

Marrying a girl that truly loves you for who you are will be difficult but not impossible. Marrying a lady over there has consequences that you are well aware of. And seeing that you are the quiet type you won't do well with such problems if and when they arise.

2 option. Get your papers as voice stated then come back and pretend. I tell you if a woman falls in love with you and later finds out who you really are chances are that she will really and truly love you. It will just be like Lois and Clark.

I'll keep the 2nd option to myself. As a good man I don't think I should start sowing ideas of how to be in charge of your feelings for women or how to have a number of them such that if any gives you trouble you simply throw her away since you have what a lot of them are looking for. Even knowing that you have a handful of women want stop them from hanging around. But no...I won't spoil you...

To be honest, I have dated quiet a few here I have to tell you the mindset is different.
While I consider marriage to be sanctimonious, many of these ladies dont have a problem with divorce so that scares me.
My concern is that at 36 years old, is that not too old to come back and hunt for a wife in naija ?

GuyInTheMirror:

To be honest, I have dated quiet a few here I have to tell you the mindset is different.
While I consider marriage to be sanctimonious, many of these ladies dont have a problem with divorce so that scares me.
My concern is that at 36 years old, is that not too old to come back and hunt for a wife in naija ?

Their mindset there is really scary I tell you. 36 isnt too old. It shouldn't take up to 3 or 4 months from when you get back before you can meet a girl especially if your people back here help. From day one let her know your plans and within 4 months you can tie the knot. The risk here is that you might not have enough time to know her. Either path you choose there are risks but I'd rather take the kind of risk I'm prepared for than to marry a woman over there that will probably divorce you with half your life's worth as hers.

36 is too old ...You are no longer a young man, you are an Uncle...
Dont you have an Ex in Naija, what of a school mate that you admired or a Nigerian colleague? Shoot your shot, you never can tell. If she is still good to go, why not ring her. I will implore you not to marry any of those Americans if you can't handle their craze.

And stop telling all that you dont drink, smoke or womanize. Once a lady discovers that you don't do any of the above, she will tag you boring and she will take you olay kalo kalo.
Even if you dont actually do any of the above, always have a fictitious story of how you used to be a very bad guys in your uni days so that you can get respect from her.
Ladies like a controversial person. If you are too honest,you have entered one chance.
Cheers as you seek for your soul mate.

HarunaWest:
36 is too old ...You are no longer a young man, you are an Uncle...
Dont you have an Ex in Naija, what of a school mate thatbyou afmired or a Nigerian colleage? Shoot your shot, you never can tell. If she is still good to go, why not ring her. I will implore you not to marry any of those Americans if you can't handle their craze.

And stop telling all that you dont drink, smoke or womanize. Once a lady discovers that you don't do any of the above, she will tag you boring and she will take you olay kalo kalo.
Even if you dont actually do any of the above, always have a fictitious story of how you used to be a very bad guys in your uni days so that you can get respect from her.
Ladies like a controversial person. If you are too honest,you have entered one chance.
Cheers as you seek for your soul mate.

I have answered the bolded, most of my friends are either married or the ones not married have one issue or the other cos most of them are over 30 years .
The option of marrying a former friend is totally out of it.
And thanks for your input about my personality.. That is why I am actually looking for a lady whoose values match with mine.

The situation you are in right now is very tough, so I say welcome aboard the long flight. You messed up big time by travelling at 32 with no engaged woman or wife back home. People I know that are in your situation mostly travelled out in their early 20s.

Well, you can meet your dream woman anywhere including here in nairaland, just open your eyes.

The worst mistake you will make is marrying a village girl in Nigeria and taking her to the States hoping to have a blissful marriage. It's better to go to ashawo joint and marry one rather than marrying a supposedly humble village wife...na one elderly naija man wey don see nwii for his marriage made that statement. I understand that Naija men too get their own wahala because some of them want slaves and not wives but that's a story for another day.

So since you have missed the girls you once knew and trusted, I'll suggest you start with what I call blind relationship and make it real. Love with your heart first and later with your eyes, you'll be safer that way. Your heart can never deceive you but your eyes will.

GuyInTheMirror:


I have answered the bolded, most of my friends are either married or the ones not married have one issue or the other cos most of them are over 30 years .
The option of marrying a former friend is totally out of it.
And thanks for your input about my personality.. That is why I am actually looking for a lady whoose values match with mine.

okay oooh. Goodluck

J111333:
The situation you are in right now is very tough, so I say welcome aboard the long flight. You messed up big time by travelling at 32 with no engaged woman or wife back home. People I know that are in your situation mostly travelled out in their early 20s.

Well, you can meet your dream woman anywhere including here on nairaland, just open your eyes.

The worst mistake you will make is marrying a village girl in Nigeria and taking her to the States hoping to have a blissful marriage. It's better to go to ashawo joint and marry one rather than marrying a supposedly humble village wife...na one elderly naija man wey don see nwii for his marriage made that statement. I understand that Naija men too get their own wahala because some of them want slaves and not wives but that's a story for another day.

So since you have missed the girls you once knew and trusted, I'll suggest you start with what I call blind relationship and make it real. Love with your heart first and later with your eyes, you'll be safer that way. Your heart can never deceive you but your eyes will.

HEHEHE Bros na the matter wen dey ground be that o.
You know when man dey hustle na blind hustle so it was difficult to really commit to anybody.
Having said that, I am not saying I want to come and pick a village girl in Nigeria.
I am just saying I intend to come and live like a regular guy in NIgeria, without even showing traces of ever being abroad.

The concerns you have raised are what I am trying to avoid by not dating a naija babe while abroad cos all of them just dey pretend to be saints.

okay , I have many thing to say but.....

It is more decent to marry a 35 year old foreign girl than to marry a 21 year old Nigerian girl.

GuyInTheMirror:

HEHEHE Bros na the matter wen dey ground be that o.
You know when man dey hustle na blind hustle so it was difficult to really commit to anybody.
Having said that, I am not saying I want to come and pick a village girl in Nigeria.
I am just saying I intend to come and live like a regular guy in NIgeria, without even showing traces of ever being abroad.

The concerns you have raised are what I am trying to avoid by not dating a naija babe while abroad cos all of them just dey pretend to be saints.

Forget the bolded, you'll just waste your time. A girl that will fake it will still still fake it, if you like, pretend to be a taxi driver like someone I know once did yet otu awu ezi.


Oyiboland dey show for body and smart girls can see that from PH while you still dey MMIA Lagos sef. You've just stayed only 2years, naija fit still dey body small so try your luck with your option and goodluck man.

A dicey situation, since you dont want a 30s lady, you can follow your second option, may the force be with you.

So your obstacles to a married life are age and feminism? Lol. Your type plenty for naija now.

Coming back home is a waste of time.

You'll only just be joining the marriage hustling market of illiberal old men who're all desperately searching for close minded young ladies to take advantage of in the name of marriage.

You'll hardly succeed.

GuyInTheMirror:

Hey bro, many of them are married . The very few that are not are way over 30 years old.

We are age mate but babe is 30 yrs.. What is (are) your reason (s) for marrying 26 yrs?

You need to define and understand what you truly want... Inability to honestly give answers may land you where you least expect..

She's everything I want in a woman even thou it's 5 yrs together....

Once you can give answers on your life goals, expectations etc, you will have light and more insights.

Ningen:
So your obstacles to a married life is age and feminism? Lol. Your type plenty for naija now.

Coming back home is a waste of time.

You'll only just be joining the marriage hustling market of illiberal old men who're all desperately searching for close minded young ladies to take advantage of in the name of marriage.

You'll hardly succeed.

You have to understand that there is something called personal preference.

goldenboyofpsy:


We are age mate but babe is 30 yrs.. What is (are) your reason (s) for marrying 26 yrs?

You need to define and understand what you truly want... Inability to honestly give answers may land you where you least expect..

She's everything I want in a woman even thou it's 5 yrs together....

Once you can give answers on your life goals, expectations etc, you will have light and more insights.

Congrats bro and good for you on that.
Like I said, I actually prefer to marry someone who is younger than 30 years.
It is just my own preference, you could say maybe its what turns me on..

But then it doesnt mean that every lady less than 26 years is marriageable, but thats like the Jamb cut off mark, then we still have the Olevel and the Entrance exams etc.

Biglittlelois:
A dicey situation, since you dont want a 30s lady, you can follow your second option, may the force be with you.

That 2nd option scares me.
A friend of mine just lost his home to a lady he sponsored from Nigeria as wife, the lady took custody of their 3 kids too.
Dating from abroad is a dicey thing especially if the man is going to sponsor the lady.
A lot of ladies will pretend which was the case with my friends wife, and I have also experienced it too.

So right now, I have totally erased hooking up with someone who knows I am abroad .

GuyInTheMirror:


Congrats bro and good for you on that.
Like I said, I actually prefer to marry someone who is younger than 30 years.
It is just my own preference, you could say maybe its what turns me on..

But then it doesnt mean that every lady less than 26 years is marriageable, but thats like the Jamb cut off mark, then we still have the Olevel and the Entrance exams etc.

..


Your choice I respect your decision,na you go enjoy or benefit am.. I only want you to pay attention to what is major instead of minor cos that singular decision alone has the capacity to turn things around good or otherwise..

Be specific on what you want in your wife and why you want it.

Focus on what's important..

Best of luck.

GuyInTheMirror:

You have to understand that there is something called personal preference.

Don't allow that person to guilt trip you to doom. Direct opposite of a crass and/or expedient woman (man) isn't a close-minded/servile woman as the person makes it seem, but a conscientious/fair-minded/principled woman and you can find her almost everywhere.

Consider to limit your need in a woman to 1 or 2 core attributes, when you do, you'll see that you can find her almost everywhere, this forum and North America inclusive. It takes a lot though to differentiate attribute from superficial attribute because a little mistake you'll fall for that you didn't bargain for or that you dreaded.

GuyInTheMirror:

That 2nd option scares me.
A friend of mine just lost his home to a lady he sponsored from Nigeria as wife, the lady took custody of their 3 kids too.
Dating from abroad is a dicey thing especially if the man is going to sponsor the lady.
A lot of ladies will pretend which was the case with my friends wife, and I have also experienced it too.

So right now, I have totally erased hooking up with someone who knows I am abroad .

You guys are funny lots sha, dating ladies abroad who are aware of the divorce option is okay to you, but bringing a wife abroad from here who becomes aware of the divorce option is a problem to you, why? Why are you scared of that? If you treat your wife right do you think the thought of divorce will cross her mind? Here you guys behave anyhow to your wife because you know the law favours you, and you still want to continue the stupid intimidating evil behaviour because you feel she owes you for bringing her abroad? Smell the coffee dude, pick a better poison and live humbly with it, or stay single and be a baby papa, the world is full of choices.

My brother I suggest you read THE RATIONAL MALE by Rollo Tomassi before you proceed with marriage.

Biglittlelois:



You guys are funny lots sha, dating ladies abroad who are aware of the divorce option is okay to you, but bringing a wife abroad from here who becomes aware of the divorce option is a problem to you, why? Why are you scared of that? If you treat your wife right do you think the thought of divorce will cross her mind? Here you guys behave anyhow to your wife because you know the law favours you, and you still want to continue the stupid intimidating evil behaviour because you feel she owes you for bringing her abroad? Smell the coffee dude, pick a better poison and live humbly with it, or stay single and be a baby papa, the world is full of choices.

Pls stay on topic..

Work on your specs. Be more flexible and compromise on certain attributes like age. But na beg I dey beg, don't compromise your position and views about closet feminists, especially those that take divorce as a new normal. They will ruin your life. They certainly don't share the same views with you in terms of marriage and family structure.

You may also want to look beyond the individual. Look at the family as a whole, her sisters, her brothers, etc. Are they prostitutes, thugs, and yahoo boys? Look at her social medià activities and those of her family or friends. Are these things in alignment with your goal? So many factors can influence your view about someone you haven't spent a significant amount of time with.

GuyInTheMirror:

That 2nd option scares me.
A friend of mine just lost his home to a lady he sponsored from Nigeria as wife, the lady took custody of their 3 kids too.
Dating from abroad is a dicey thing especially if the man is going to sponsor the lady.
A lot of ladies will pretend which was the case with my friends wife, and I have also experienced it too.

So right now, I have totally erased hooking up with someone who knows I am abroad .

So you prefer a lady that's harsh and rude to you? Which one is lovey dovey? Do u know if the person really likes you?

Where are all the so called decent ladies on nairaland? Please, recommend yourself. If you're a girl of 26 or below and you're looking for something serious, this is your chance.

Before you suggest yourself, please be honest with yourself. Ask yourself if you're good enough (wife material). For me, I know that I'm the perfect husband material for an average lady so I will suggest myself when the time is right.

Huncle, any lady that recommends herself, send her a pm and take it up from there. Your first option isn't bad. At least you can just be chatting and getting to know yourselves. Then once you come back, 2-3 months will be enough to finally study her. For someone like me, I can be able to predict the kind of person a girl is by the way she chats, except if she doesn't reply well.

The idea of coming back home at 36 to look for a wife doesn't resonate for me. You'll need to date her for like two years, by then you'll be 38. You'll then be having your first child at 39, which is too old.

I don't see myself single beyond 33. By 31, I should be warming up. Early marriage is good if you have the resources.

J111333:
The situation you are in right now is very tough, so I say welcome aboard the long flight. You messed up big time by travelling at 32 with no engaged woman or wife back home. People I know that are in your situation mostly travelled out in their early 20s.

Well, you can meet your dream woman anywhere including here in nairaland, just open your eyes.

The worst mistake you will make is marrying a village girl in Nigeria and taking her to the States hoping to have a blissful marriage. It's better to go to ashawo joint and marry one rather than marrying a supposedly humble village wife...na one elderly naija man wey don see nwii for his marriage made that statement. I understand that Naija men too get their own wahala because some of them want slaves and not wives but that's a story for another day.

So since you have missed the girls you once knew and trusted, I'll suggest you start with what I call blind relationship and make it real. Love with your heart first and later with your eyes, you'll be safer that way. Your heart can never deceive you but your eyes will.

Flesh and blood did not reveal this to you.

For someone planning to really get married, please sort yourself out before traveling.

Acidosis:
Work your on specs. Be more flexible and compromise on certain attributes like age. But na beg I dey beg, don't compromise your position and views about closet feminists, especially those that take divorce as a new normal. They will ruin your life. They certainly don't share the same views with you in terms of marriage and family structure.

You may also want to look beyond the individual. Look at the family as a whole, her sisters, her brothers, etc. Are they prostitutes, thugs, and yahoo boys? Look at her social medià activities and those of her family or friends. Are these things in alignment with your goal? So many factors can influence your view about someone you haven't spent a significant amount of time with.

Gbam!

You see that belief of easy entry and exit of marriage?

It is importanter.

GuyInTheMirror:
MODS PLEASE NO FRONT PAGE!!!

Hi everyone, so I am not a new member of Nairaland.
I decided to create this new profile so that I can be annonymous.
I was hoping to speak with some matured people here about the issue of marriage.

I am a 34 year old man who happened to immigrate about 2 years ago, I am a very gentle and highly ambitious person and God has blessed me.
I work for one of the biggest firms here in North America , I used to work in a great firm too back in Naija before immigrating.

Now to the issue of marriage, I am in a kind of dilemna.
I am the type of person that values marriage and a quiet life.
I do not smoke, drink or womanise. I am actually the type you'd call a church boy. I dream for a respectful wife whom I can love and adore and build a family with.

But it seems being in North America makes that complicated.
1. Majority of the women that surrounds me are in their 30s. I personally would prefer to marry someone not older than 26 years for personal reasons.
2. Many of these women are closet feminists and they tend to be much louder than the personality I am looking for in a woman I'd like to settle with.

I have attempted to start relationships with ladies that tend to meet my description back in Nigeria, but I became shocked cos it seems once a lady knows a man is abroad they become lovey dovey. They start to pretend like they are saints so that has put me off as I do not want a lady to pretend for me.

The options before me are :
1. Look for someone that is close to my requirement here and marry her and hope for the best.
2. Look for someone back in naija and marry and sponsor her to North America.
3. Wait for 2 more years, get my citizenship, come back to naija and blend in like a regular guy and try to meet a lady that does not know I am an abroad person to avoid pretense then try to get a babe. (In 2 years time I will be 36 years old, is this not too old ?)

I would like people with a lot of insight to educate me on what appears to be the best option.

Hmmmmmm

Real dilemma.

No family friend in Nigeria? Family friend as per a girl you grew with in same church WITH her family.

Not foolproof anyways.