My wife and I have been happily married for about six and a half years now. Going all the way back to when we were dating, we talked about how many kids we would want. My wife grew up in a polygamous family, and she always wanted at least three, probably four or five, or even more. She’s got a very nurturing personality, so having many kids fits with her personality very well.

I on the other hand? I had a small family. It was just me and my two younger brothers. I’m also an introvert. I’ve always wanted kids, but probably a pretty hard “two” has always been my desire. I kinda told her back then when we were dating that I could be open to having three, or even four, but that we’d have to live according to our means. That was a fine answer back then. But it’s becoming a lot more real now, almost ten years down the line. We had our daughter about a year after we married, and our son came bundling into the world two years later.

Recently, she has been talking about us having another baby, but I'm very skeptical. I'm satisfied with the two we have - a girl and a boy as I implied earlier - and with the economy, cost of living, education, and today's world we live in generally, I don't think I want another. I want to be able to give my children everything they need in terms of equal time and energy. I look at the time and energy required just to have two kids and still maintain a good marriage… and trying to find some balance being a father with being a husband, with being a professional, and trying to pull back on myself and my career and elsewhere. There are a lot of serious balls that I’m already juggling. The last one I want to drop is a kid.

She, in the other hand, feels it's time for us to have another baby. Her argument is she's getting a little bit, well, not older, but she hoped she’d be done having kids by the time she hit her mid-30’s. She’s 35 now, and our son is now 5 years old, so time is of the essence, she says.

Knowing my wife, if I relent, it will only be a matter of a few years before we start this discussion of yet another baby again. I know she wants a strong home full of laughter and happiness. I know what I need to do in order to give her that and also maintain a level of balance myself, but is having more kids the right answer? I'm contented with the two I already have. The two tykes are a real handful as it is right now; adding a third, to me, seems rather far reaching.

If I relent and we end up having four, five, six kids, and it ends up affecting our lives in the process, am I really giving us what we want to be? Or am I being selfish right now?

Let her marry another man na!

Chaiiiii, same here o

You are not being selfish sir, you made a very nice decision!!!. But the problem with humans is that, we are not being satisfied.
You HV the both gender, biko she shud be happy!!. Things are not ok in the society for now, and we can't even say if it will be in the nearest future.
HV a small family, and give your family a very good standard of living.
As for your wife, sit her down and explain more to her, it seems she has forgotten we are in Nigeria.

You're not selfish Op.You had this discussion before marriage so you even have a legit claim to not having more children.
Truth be told,it's tough economically having many children and it's not just about money.Giving them quality time is important too.The more children,the less quality.

I've got bad news though,when a woman wants more children, she's likely to get it.Women literally man the post.When they want a goal,they let it in even if it's an own goal.
Keep having the discussion with your wife.Does your wife work?

deemayjee:
My wife and I have been happily married for about six and a half years now. Going all the way back to when we were dating, we talked about how many kids we would want. My wife grew up in a polygamous family, and she always wanted at least three, probably four or five, or even more. She’s got a very nurturing personality, so having many kids fits with her personality very well.

I on the other hand? I had a small family. It was just me and my two younger brothers. I’m also an introvert. I’ve always wanted kids, but probably a pretty hard “two” has always been my desire. I kinda told her back then when we were dating that I could be open to having three, or even four, but that we’d have to live according to our means. That was a fine answer back then. But it’s becoming a lot more real now, almost ten years down the line. We had our daughter about a year after we married, and our son came bundling into the world two years later.

Recently, she has been talking about us having another baby, but I'm very skeptical. I'm satisfied with the two we have - a girl and a boy as I implied earlier - and with the economy, cost of living, education, and today's world we live in generally, I don't think I want another. I want to be able to give my children everything they need in terms of equal time and energy. I look at the time and energy required just to have two kids and still maintain a good marriage… and trying to find some balance being a father with being a husband, with being a professional, and trying to pull back on myself and my career and elsewhere. There are a lot of serious balls that I’m already juggling. The last one I want to drop is a kid.

She, in the other hand, feels it's time for us to have another baby. Her argument is she's getting a little bit, well, not older, but she hoped she’d be done having kids by the time she hit her mid-30’s. She’s 35 now, and our son is now 5 years old, so time is of the essence, she says.

Knowing my wife, if I relent, it will only be a matter of a few years before we start this discussion of yet another baby again. I know she wants a strong home full of laughter and happiness. I know what I need to do in order to give her that and also maintain a level of balance myself, but is having more kids the right answer? I'm contented with the two I already have. The two tykes are a real handful as it is right now; adding a third, to me, seems rather far reaching.

If I relent and we end up having four, five, six kids, and it ends up affecting our lives in the process, am I really giving us what we want to be? Or am I being selfish right now?

But you agred to 3 or 4 while you guys were dating. You already created a loophole so you really don't have much of a choice now.

Just delay as much as you can and then tell her you will have one more, if (and ONLY if) she swears that will be the end of it. That's kind of a fair compromise.

You nack all this plenty tori finish like who dey discuss with himself, ask plenty plenty questions, still answer them yourself, come begin ask us whether you selfish?

No, you no selfish.

You sellmeat.


Run away if you no know wetin to do brother.

Not in anyway close to selfish, you are considering your pocket bro.

Talk to her, if need be adjust and make it final three(after all you promised her earlier on, Women don't forget a promise made to them)in few years time, those two will be out of the house, she will start feeling lonely.

Loneliness kills faster despite all the achievements planned ahead.


Some women just like that full house family buzz. It's a way they grew up, it's already an influence to them.

sit her down and talk to her, let her no your pocket combined with economy is not responding to another child, Unless she is willing to adjust and equally win bigger akara as you are winning the bread.


Lastly, kids are bundles of Joy to any family, you won't blame her. Economy just limiting human capacity.

Following

You are not being selfish, you are being realistic. Make her understand that you both need be truthful to yourselves and the resources at your disposal. It makes no sense planning on funds that are not available and the inflation rate isn't friendly at this time particularly with salary increasing at a lower rate than inflation rate.

You need to sit her down and talk sense into her, the economy is not too good to start raising a big family.

Hmmmm...you guys must really be well to do for her to be wanting more. Maybe you should let her run the children's expenses for a year solo, if she's fine with it, then have more and share the cost of raising them equally.


Even rich men dont do beyond two in this new age...it is well.

The best way is to have a serious conversation about the topic. But the fact that you both already discussed it while dating and you were opened to the idea of 3 is already against you.

Having three is not too much as long as you are opened to it. The truth is that women always have the final decision when it comes to having kids. She can decide to take out the family planning stuff or stop taking the pills without your knowledge.

So, just discuss with her and open your mind to the possibility or reality that you might be having a third child.

MightySparrow:
Let marry another man na!

ImaIma1:
The best way is to have a serious conversation about the topic. But the fact that you both already discussed it while dating and you were opened to the idea of 3 is already against you.

Having three is not too much as long as you are opened to it. The truth is that women always have the final decision when it comes to having kids. She can decide to take out the family planning stuff or stop taking the pills without your knowledge.

So, just discuss with her and open your mind to the possibility or reality that you might be having a third child.

I was wondering when some female was gonna type this

She's the one being selfish. Not you.
Man, I wish Nigerians have your mind-set.
We'd be having a very contented nation.

With enough resources for everyone.
But alas that's not it at.

This country and the world is overpopulated.
Yes. One less human will make things better.

Romangalactic:

I was wondering when some female was gonna type this

Lol...

I lie?

ImaIma1:


Lol...

I lie?

You're right to an extent,but I wonder y none of you have suggested vasectomy

Hop she' workin sha, cos dat all i can say. Next!

You are selfish o infact you sell turkey join. An agreement is An agreement, you agreed to four children while dating you changing your mind to two isn't about finance but the fact that you never had the desire to have more than two children. Your background and your perspective of children is what influence your decision not the finance.

If you are the one who loves a houseful of children, you would have given birth to lots of them even with your recent financial capacity. Give her her remaining baby Biko, I don't buy that idea that you can't take care of them. It's not true

Romangalactic:

You're right to an extent,but I wonder y none of you have suggested vasectomy

How many men agree to do a vasectomy? Do you know anyone that has had one?

ImaIma1:


How many men agree to do a vasectomy? Do you know anyone that has had one?

Good question, which is y I've always wondered why I keep seeing it as a suggestion on this forum a lot

.

And Klass99 decided to write a textbook on this topic.

Thread closed, everybody go home.

.

Ariza:
And Klass99 decided to write a textbook on this topic.

Thread closed, everybody go home.

.

ImaIma1:


How many men agree to do a vasectomy? Do you know anyone that has had one?

p.Dudd

Klass99:


Aahh Ariz with the bad mouth "This one is just laying children like eggs or was it like chicken, you said?

That comment cracked me up so bad, I am smiling at the memory of it and I am sure you don't want this OP laying children like eggs, the way the other guy was

I couldn't help myself with the text booking. Less is more, quality over quantity, any time, any day abeg.

Ahhhhhhhhh I no get bad mouth ooo Biko, it's just that sometimes I can be overly blunt. and that guy's case irked me that day, very nonsensical human being. But then it's his life

Op's case though, I just feel kind of offended with the breach of agreement. It's unfair. If at all there will be a change it should be mutually agreed. Not one changing along the line, It's not nice. There was an agreement,if there would be compromise it should be on mutual agreement.

BTW you made lots of sense in your textbook.

She needs a more demanding career

Klass99:
@ OP, you're being very pragmatic and sensible.

Quality over quantity, you should have a number of children you can reasonably take care of, without losing yourself or your soul in the process.Fatherhood should not equate the end of your life as an individual or the end of your dreams/goals as a person.

In my opinion, people shouldn't have kids that are more than their hands
Raising children is very tasking and can take a toll, I don't understand women who want more kids than their two hands.

I often wonder to myself, are women not concerned about the physical toll on their bodies, the mental and emotional toll on their well being, as well? Do they ever stop to think, that taking care of 4 kids, will be tougher than taking care of 2 kids, in the event that hubby dies?

I think the fact that some women don't pay the major bills of a household, makes it easy for them to want more kids. When you pay some serious bills like school fees and multiply it by 3 or 4 (in terms of more kids) you will think twice and hard about the number of kids you should have.

Again, in my opinion, having kids should not be about money either (but the typical Naija mentality is that, if you have the money, why not have more kids) Having kids should be about time. Time to take care of those kids and still have time to take care of yourself as a parent. If you have to split your time and energy in more ways, towards more people (like 4 or 6 kids) you'll often be stressed and drained.

My neighbour has 4 kids, the wife is a stay at home mum who can bake and sew, but those activities have been on hold for a year and six months now since she had their 4th child.

She has been complaining of a lingering back pain that won't go way, she's often overworked and stressed. And is always eager to pass off her last child on me for some respite (I don't mind at all)

Going back to my point about time, I noticed that her first 2 kids are well behaved than the last 2. I suspect she had more time & energy to train the first 2 well, but with the last 2, the time and energy seem to have diminished, so they are not so well behaved.

The other thing I've noticed with people who have more kids is that, they tend to use the older kids in taking care of the younger ones. You don't ask or use children, to look after children nah, the consequences can sometimes be unpleasant.

For instance, my neighbour asked the 2nd child who is 7 years old, to lay her baby sister on the bed. A simple task turned into a late night hospital visit for mother and child. Apparently, the 7 year old used too much force or was careless and it resulted into the baby cutting her tongue/lip, which led to profuse bleeding too.

Even my father who had 6 of us and is in his 70's now, told me recently that 2 kids are more than enough in this age and time. According to him, things are not going to get better and children are going to be more stubborn and difficult to manage, than ever before.

School fees is the best contraceptive.