LadySarah:
Leaving because he's bedridden?Babe I know it's very hard for you but who says the grass is greener on the other siaade? Anything can happen to anyone at anytime.I'm not trying to judge you cos you've shown you are strong woman for 2 yrs already.

For a sexually active woman ,the lack of sex can be disturbing.

What I think you should do.
1.choose to be happy.
2.If his penis still works do the riding. If no. Have a talk with him if you can get a Love Machine or a man friend or he can explore you with his hands. Theres no shame in that. Righteous ppl should ignore my post.

3.pls don't stop believing in miracles.

You said it all.

missjo:
She never truly loved him, and this is a major problem with our generation - people are ultimately looking out for what they'll gain from their partners but masking all that selfish desire with claims of being in love.

Gosh so many of us would fail this test if we were to find ourselves in the same situation, so while I'm critical of her, I'm also critical of myself because I don't know if I'll be any better.

Your parents did a good job on you. Stay on that part. God bless you

miniziter:
Its already 2 years and the husband can't go to work not to talk of bringing money. He can't perform on bed and she has been the one doing the cleaning of all his mess. The most annoying thing is that the family members of the husband despite being okay financially failed to help the family. Now she planning to either stay with the man and have a cumcubine outside or leave the man outrightly. Which do you advise?
NB: They just gave to a child and she's still young. On the way, if she leaves the man, he may not see someone that will take care of him like she used to do.

The wife's major issue is lack of sex: (she just seems sad the family is not contributing, it sounds like she can handle it).

She should get a nurse to help with caring for the man and also work towards therapy.

I expect the husband out of thoughfulness to have discussed his wife's sexual needs as he can't fulfill them and suggest resolutions. He can't deny he has not noticed her sexual frustrations or the times she tossed and turned on the bed out of unmet needs.

If he can move his hands, they can work with that while she invests in good dildos. A sex therapist would also come in handy at this point.

This is the definition of bilisi.

Ki Olorun ko ya yo ninu bilisi.

Acidosis:
Poor man. Wish he had a grown up. A grown child is more reliable than the useless woman he called a wife. At least, the child can take him in and care for him. This is why people, both men and women alike, put their kids first and do almost anything to make them happy. Even a bastard, in most instances, is more reliable than the regular and typical selfish partner.

How is she useless? Would you have stayed for so long if you were in her stead?

cococandy:
Exactly. That’s why I said each person’s situation will be different.
There’s a lot that therapy can do such that the person can be at least some help to themselves if not help to their caregiver. Physical and occupational therapy can do wonders but I didn’t even emphasize on that because it may not realistic for them.

There is such but in Nigeria, can it be available to the poor?


Anytime I see somebody in power bike, my mind will go to that guy.

I decided not to comment on the topic cos I wouldn't know what to do if I find myself in her position.

The lady I told you must have stayed cos of money , she may have stayed cos of love, but one thiby is clear. That lady is one of the most beautiful Nigerian lady I have ever seen and she can easily remarry if she chose to. Her background wasn't bad too. But she choose to stay. So many factors. Hubby called to congratulate them on the birth of their baby and from what he said, guy was on therapy on how to use his thing when it came back to life.
Wife was the one doing everything. Gosh, they suffered and I applaud that lady. So many instances it will come to life and collapse again.
He said she wasn't deterred, didn't know what was pushing her and even if she leave, his family will hire a professional to take care of him.
The question now is will that guy do the same for the wife if the table was turned. It should be around 11yrs now. I asked hubby if he wil do that for me and he didnt answer
Men!

bukatyne:


The wife's major issue is lack of sex: (she just seems sad the family is not contributing, it sounds like she can handle it).

She should get a nurse to help with caring for the man and also work towards therapy.

I expect the husband out of thoughfulness to have discussed his wife's sexual needs as he can't fulfill them and suggest resolutions. He can't deny he has not noticed her sexual frustrations or the times she tossed and turned on the bed out of unmet needs.

If he can move his hands, they can work with that while she invests in good dildos. A sex therapist would also come in handy at this point.

This is the definition of bilisi.

Ki Olorun ko ya yo ninu bilisi.

Trust me, her major need isn't sex. Not at all.
Her major problem is money. Owo. Money can solve more than 50% of her problems and there may be hope for their sexual need also.

Carchoice:
are you a Christian? If yes try to locate where Jesus resurrected the dead in the Bible.


Table has turned now for a woman to provide for the family, her only escape is to leave? Is it safe to say most married women are not better than this man because they are in the same boat. They don’t do anything but wait for the man to provide.

This your response is disheartening. OP, get me in touch with this man. He needs help.

His wife fecking cleans up all his mess according to the OP (I'm assuming he can't control his bowels or bladder and he is incontinent).
Give her some fecking respect.
That is going to be her reality for life, and if his family is non supportive, it will be harder. She will get overwhelmed and will flee.
You cannot compare looking after a disabled person who needs probable full time care to growing children. Children will grow and start looking after their own physical needs

Acidosis:


I will keep working to take care of my family.

How do you want to keep working when you have a seriously disabled adult who needs almost 24/7care? Working and earning is the easiest thing here, but affording a full time carer is another thing.
Don't forget many Nigerians are still working hard, yet barely even able to meet their family's daily needs
If the wife in this case was earning a very good income, she can afford to get a carer and pay for it, but I'm almost certain in this case a carer will probably ask for more than all she even earns.
Imagine coming home after a hard day hustling to get money, only to meet the whole house in stench and your partner soaked in faeces and urine just waiting for you to come clean her up, and feed her, and change her clothes, bedding etc. Imagine the cost of adult incontinence pad everyday.
This is this woman's reality and some of you are trivialising it.
I suspect they are a low income couple with nothing to fall back on, and facing such a great challenge at such a young age. If there was some money or inheritance, it would be easy to get needed resources/support to look after this man with special needs.
Just pray never to face such

Acidosis:


In essence, you support the idea of getting a concubine to service her sexually or outrightly leaving the man because no one seems to support her over a life time contract she signed up for?

You can't be so sure she's been doing it all alone for 2 years BTW. Even if you have a lot of savings, it doesn't make sense to stay out of work for 2 years because you need to take care of a sick or incapacitated partner [/b]when your money can get the job done and create time for you to make more money. [b]

Compassion won't change anything here. Make your position known on the matter.

Not everyone has a high earning power, otherwise majority of Nigerians won't be living below the poverty line

sassysure:

I actually know a family like this. Guy was wasted with his power bike. He was flown to India straight. Stayed there for like one yr. Money wasn't problem. Had a wife and a new kid. My bobo very close friend. The wife stopped work( they were fulani so the wife didn't open up to us that much even though his husband is very close to mine). I went there again like a yr after and he has started moving some parts of his body though I was told he frequents India like he want to go and wee.
Wife started work again( a banker), at a point he started working again too but from home. An IT guru.
Next thing we heard was that she was pregnant.

Make money o.
At least it will help you to an extent. That guy would have been dead if not for money. I heard about his accident on radio. Never knew I will meet him. I think that lady would ht if not f

i like your honesty right there. Not too many girls can summon courage to say such to their BFs. Girls n fake luv

Acidosis:
Poor man. Wish he had a grown up. A grown child is more reliable than the useless woman he called a wife. At least, the child can take him in and care for him. This is why people, both men and women alike, put their kids first and do almost anything to make them happy. Even a bastard, in most instances, is more reliable than the regular and typical selfish partner.

I thought you were sensible before.
Really, how is the woman useless, wasn't she the one taking care of him since he was sick ?
How is she useless ? If it was a man would you say he was useless ?
Mtchew! Low-key misogynist.

Everything depends on how the man behaved pre accident.Post accident remorse does not count.

A man who was a terrible spouse will most likely get it back in spades .It's here you hear stories of people left in their pee and poop for hours ,maybe not even changed or bathed for days.

There are some men that are worth staying for,the one that treats you well and has been a rock for you, you would bend back wards and do anything for him.

Still, if a good woman leaves at some point because she cannot manage,it doesn't make her a bad person in my opinion. Everyone has their elastic limit.

There's a thread on NL where a man could not cope with his wife's illness,I'm sure other things were at play but they divorced and she eventually died. A lot of people were understanding of his choices,it's interesting that people are spitting fire here,lol.

There is something called carer fatigue,where the carer spouse cannot just go on,tending to another person's needs - cleaning,feeding,working (where possible),the psychological demand will wear even the nicest person out,worse if they have children..It takes a very strong couple with a strong bond to pull through and even if they do,their own version of what is acceptable may leave another person dumbfounded.

In a sane society,there is support in place for this sort of situation eg respite where the government pays for someone to come in to help a few times a week, then psychological help because the carer and spouse will be prone to mental health problems.

In Naija terms,someone should be employed to help and Cctv around the whole house to monitor for cases of abuse.

There are situations where sexual function will never come back,a couple may be able to come to an arrangement,they usually do but will not say. Some even use IVF for pregnancy and keep it to themselves.

No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I know someone who's husband has Multiple Sclerosis.She has a boyfriend that lives with them,their kids and he also helps care for the man.Call it what you want but they are all happy or at least appear to be happy.

Sex as we know involves a lot of intimacy,I can tell you firsthand that fingers and dil do won't give you that . So,it is not realistic in the long term especially if the woman doesn't leave and the D isn't working .

They will agree to something at some point.This is the cold hard fact of life. I find that a lot of people who have life changing experiences like this will be more tolerant and permissive than the average person.They will acknowledge that their partner has needs ,highest they'll act like they don't know what's going on by the side.

As a woman though,the chances that your husband will stay if it were you in this condition is slim.If he stays,he will have girlfriends and may/may not be discreet.Whatever decision he takes,he will be supported by the same people crying murder here and the society at large.

Even common research has shown that divorce is more likely to happen if it is the woman that is unwell vs when it is the man ie women are more likely to stay,men are most likely to bail.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.fatherly.com/health-science/why-sick-wives-increase-divorce-risk-not-sick-husbands/amp/

If you cannot cope,instead of turning to resentment, hatred and abuse,please LEAVE.

cococandy:
I don’t support her leaving the man. I think that’s too mean. I personally wouldn’t leave.

I also won’t tell her what to do to satisfy herself sexually. Like “please stay celibate for ever“. Or “you need to get a boyfriend”. None of it is a decision someone should be making for her.

She should be grown up enough to decide that one for herself. So if I tell her to go get a concubine only then will she will feel justified to go get one? Who knows, maybe she can arrive at an arrangement with her husband only known between both of them and they can find a way to make the situation work.

I do know that I won’t judge her for whatever sexual decisions she makes to satisfy her needs. Except if she’s being cruel about it.

I also KNOW FOR A FACT that you won’t be writing long moralistic paragraphs to condemn a man who has a girlfriend because his wife is permanently unable to have sex with him. Y’alls moral compass only starts working when it’s a woman’s sexuality that’s being debated. Don’t bother denying it. Seen it one too many times.

That’s my stand on the matter.

Can we just learn to address issues without playing the gender card? It's already getting boring. I didn't come here to deal with a woman. I came here to address a sexually starved individual who's considering cheating/separation.

Unlike you, I don't shy away from stating facts and opinions based on what I would do. What I wouldn't do, I won't say here. More importantly, I don't try too hard to please a gender. If she's grown enough to decide for herself like you said, she wouldn't take her matter to a third party.

To say you would do this or that, but not bold enough to recommend what you would do, just because you believe every woman should be sexually independent doesn't make sense.


A prostitute should preach prostitution. A moralist/religious person should preach chastity. Stop acting like you belong to everybody when in the real sense, you don't live that kind of life. Stop preaching what you wouldn't do. If your lifestyle is giving you good result, you should be bold enough to recommend your lifestyle. It shouldn't matter whether your circle of followers agree with you or not.

UyaiIncomparabl:


How is she useless? Would you have stayed for so long if you were in her stead?

Yes, I would stay even longer. I would do anything for my family.

eyinjuege:


How do you want to keep working when you have a seriously disabled adult who needs almost 24/7care? Working and earning is the easiest thing here, but affording a full time carer is another thing.
Don't forget many Nigerians are still working hard, yet barely even able to meet their family's daily needs
If the wife in this case was earning a very good income, she can afford to get a carer and pay for it, but I'm almost certain in this case a carer will probably ask for more than all she even earns.
Imagine coming home after a hard day hustling to get money, only to meet the whole house in stench and your partner soaked in faeces and urine just waiting for you to come clean her up, and feed her, and change her clothes, bedding etc. Imagine the cost of adult incontinence pad everyday.
This is this woman's reality and some of you are trivialising it.
I suspect they are a low income couple with nothing to fall back on, and facing such a great challenge at such a young age. If there was some money or inheritance, it would be easy to get needed resources/support to look after this man with special needs.
Just pray never to face such

I don't pray to face such but the issue here bothers more on sex. Why should sex even be an issue barely 2 years after?

eyinjuege:


Not everyone has a high earning power, otherwise majority of Nigerians won't be living below the poverty line

I would be very concerned if the OP came forward to solicit for money or job. Whoever is considering sex at such a critical time surely has a lot of money and time.

chivera018:
I thought you were sensible before.
Really, how is the woman useless, wasn't she the one taking care of him since he was sick ?
How is she useless ? If it was a man would you say he was useless ?
Mtchew! Low-key misogynist.

You've never thought I was sensible. You're still the old and disgusting hater whose reasoning remains far below threshold. If it was a man, what I would do is tell you to shut your useless mouth and wait for my opinion.

Acidosis:


Yes, I would stay even longer. I would do anything for my family.

Unfortunately, we wouldn't be there to confirm this if ever it happens.

On the other hand, it's easier said than done. After all, the woman in the OP must have said the same thing when she exchanged vows with her husband on their wedding day.

UyaiIncomparabl:


Unfortunately, we wouldn't be there to confirm this if ever it happens.

On the other hand, it's easier said than done. After all, the woman in the OP must have said the same thing when she exchanged vows with her husband on their wedding day.

Same reason I called her useless. If you wouldn't do a thing, then don't say it.

Acidosis:

Can we just learn to address issues without playing the gender card? It's already getting boring. I didn't come here to deal with a woman. I came here to address a sexually starved individual who's considering cheating/separation.

That one pinches because it’s the truth. We always find you moralists when we are talking about women and sex.

Unlike you, I don't shy away from stating facts and opinions based on what I would do. What I wouldn't do, I won't say here. More importantly, I don't try too hard to please a gender. If she's grown enough to decide for herself like you said, she wouldn't take her matter to a third party.

You do try very well to police one though . We see you

To say you would do this or that, but not bold enough to recommend what you would do, just because you believe every woman should be sexually independent doesn't make sense.

It’s not about being bold or not. It’s actually because I know that no recommendation is appropriate for her except the one she chooses herself. @bold, as opposed to being what? sexually dependent? What even is that?

A prostitute should preach prostitution. A moralist/religious person should preach chastity. Stop acting like you belong to everybody when in the real sense, you don't live that kind of life. [Stop preaching what you wouldn't do. If your lifestyle is giving you good result, you should be bold enough to recommend your lifestyle. It shouldn't matter whether your circle of followers agree with you or not.

You don’t know what I would do. I don’t even know what I would do (besides not leave him) and that’s the whole point of my posts in case you haven’t understood it yet.

I have a circle of followers too?
Talk about off point.

Stop asking the young man scary questions

sassysure:

There is such but in Nigeria, can it be available to the poor?


Anytime I see somebody in power bike, my mind will go to that guy.

I decided not to comment on the topic cos I wouldn't know what to do if I find myself in her position.

The lady I told you must have stayed cos of money , she may have stayed cos of love, but one thiby is clear. That lady is one of the most beautiful Nigerian lady I have ever seen and she can easily remarry if she chose to. Her background wasn't bad too. But she choose to stay. So many factors. Hubby called to congratulate them on the birth of their baby and from what he said, guy was on therapy on how to use his thing when it came back to life.
Wife was the one doing everything. Gosh, they suffered and I applaud that lady. So many instances it will come to life and collapse again.
He said she wasn't deterred, didn't know what was pushing her and even if she leave, his family will hire a professional to take care of him.
The question now is will that guy do the same for the wife if the table was turned. It should be around 11yrs now. I asked hubby if he wil do that for me and he didnt answer
Men!

Acidosis:


Same reason I called her useless. If you wouldn't do a thing, then don't say it.

It isn't enough reason to call her useless. Everyone has a tolerance level. She has reached hers, it doesn't mean she's a bad person.

Acidosis:


You've never thought I was sensible. You're still the old and disgusting hater whose reasoning remains far below threshold. If it was a man, what I would do is tell you to shut your useless mouth and wait for my opinion.

If I was as old as you with your IQ, I'd be ashamed.
Lol, imagine if my reasoning was far below threshold, I wonder how lower yours would be.
Hater ? Lol, don't make yourself feel so important, you are of no value to me.

Acidosis:




Can we just learn to address issues without playing the gender card? It's already getting boring. I didn't come here to deal with a woman. I came here to address a sexually starved individual who's considering cheating/separation.

Unlike you, I don't shy away from stating facts and opinions based on what I would do. What I wouldn't do, I won't say here. More importantly, I don't try too hard to please a gender. If she's grown enough to decide for herself like you said, she wouldn't take her matter to a third party.

To say you would do this or that, but not bold enough to recommend what you would do, just because you believe every woman should be sexually independent doesn't make sense.


A prostitute should preach prostitution. A moralist/religious person should preach chastity. Stop acting like you belong to everybody when in the real sense, you don't live that kind of life. Stop preaching what you wouldn't do. If your lifestyle is giving you good result, you should be bold enough to recommend your lifestyle. It shouldn't matter whether your circle of followers agree with you or not.

This post reminds me of an article I read about two years ago addressed to American Christians.

I opened a thread on it back then and was a turning point for me especially online.

You cannot have one leg in and one leg out or sit on the fence for too long.



https://www.nairaland.com/4158735/christians-america-arent-closed-minded-intolerant#up

sassysure:

Trust me, her major need isn't sex. Not at all.
Her major problem is money. Owo. Money can solve more than 50% of her problems and there may be hope for their sexual need also.

Maybe she has the money na.

Her options were staying married and having a concubine or divorcing him because she is 'young'.

On a second thought, maybe with a lot of money, she would have considered more expensive/extensive therapy and care.

The family's reluctance to help monetarily (which is the easier of the burden) is strange.

God help the woman, it is a lot of burden.

cococandy:
Stop asking the young man scary questions

Don't blame me na

Reality versus fantasy

cococandy:


[b]
You don’t know what I would do. I don’t even know what I do (besides not leave him) and that’s the whole point of my posts in case you haven’t understood it yet

May be you should leave the thread to those who know what they would do; those who have the mind to state what they would do.

UyaiIncomparabl:


It isn't enough reason to call her useless. Everyone has a tolerance level. She has reached hers, it doesn't mean she's a bad person

Well, she's bad in my own book. I would not imagine abandoning a family after 2 years of incapacitation. Doing so would make me a bad person.

But I get your point. Even girlfriends that abandon their boyfriends 1 month after a job loss don't always feel bad. They have an excuse for any decision.

bukatyne:


Maybe she has the money na.

Her options were staying married and having a concubine or divorcing him because she is 'young'.

On a second thought, maybe with a lot of money, she would have considered more expensive/extensive therapy and care.

The family's reluctance to help monetarily (which is the easier of the burden) is strange.

God help the woman, it is a lot of burden.

It is well

chivera018:
If I was as old as you with your IQ, I'd be ashamed .
Lol, imagine if my reasoning was far below threshold, I wonder how lower yours would be.
Hater ? Lol, don't make yourself feel so important, you are of no value to me.

Lol

bukatyne:


This post reminds me of an article I read about two years ago addressed to American Christians.

I opened a thread on it back then and was a turning point for me especially online.

You cannot have one leg in and one leg out or sit on the fence for too long.




https://www.nairaland.com/4158735/christians-america-arent-closed-minded-intolerant#up

I wonder how they sleep at night knowing very well they never have any reasonable or logical answer to an issue. They're neither here nor there.

sassysure:



It is well

Amen.

A friend once said that caring for longtime sick/injured spouses is the worst marital challenge to her.

She had a cousin whose husband abandoned in the hospital after a terrible accident.