a friend of mine needs advice , and I think I should bring it here for you guys to give ur advices, here it goes

My girlfriend got preg for me 8yrs ago, it wasn't smooth because she's still a young girl of 18 and I in my early 20s, we later had issue during that time because I Invited her to my place so we can have face to face chat on a way forward , she refused to come because we are not living in the same state and she thought my Sole motive of the invitation is to force her to abort the baby but that wasn't my intention, her mother and people were on my neck then, steady calls from her people got me more confused because am still a boy then in my earlier 20s still living with parents and without job, we lost contact after one serious arguments , she stopped calling and I as well see is as excuses to stay afar since am not ready for any of this , in the cause of it I lost my phone and all my contacts gone, fast forward to present day after that incident 6months after I traveled Abroad and was there for 4yrs , I found out 2yrs after, that she kept the baby, after I saw one of her newly unused Facebook account, I chatted her up but no response after months, I tried cousin sister who happens to be her friend because I knew her through my cousin sis , I tried all I could to establish contact but my cousin , her friends didn't help at all , she refused to give me her number claiming she didn't have it ,, I came back home after 4yrs I went to my cousin and I found out the girl is now married, I tried to get her number from my cousin but she equally don't have it. I tried Facebook, I created another account with my cousin's name and pictures and I tagged the girl
old Facebook account uploaded her picture with caption (looking for an old friend) within 2days one lady inbox me , she said she knw her, that she married one of her cousin, I begged her to give me her number pretending to be my cousin because I knw she won't give it to me if I said am a man, she later gave me the number after 2 days , the first day I made the first call I used another name but I was surprised how she knw it was me after so many years of not in contact with me, well our talk was smooth ... I asked her to give me her address which she did, the following week I went to see her place , I drove her somewhere quiet and we had a nice conversation , I told her it wasn't totally my fault that I tried to established contact after I left Nigeria and was financially ok to take care of her and the baby, but she told me she just married 2yr after giving birth and the man took the boy as his , because he was a pastor, I told her I took part of the blame for not trying to tell anyone even my parents or my eldest sister whom I knw will take care of the girl and baby without me stressing over it , my mother heard it from his brother's mouth as in form of rumour and which they didn't gave her the full details because when she pressure them they said it's a lie, to cut it short, I want to settle down by December and I think it's right to tell my wife to be about a son I had outside to avoid future issues, I asked the girl if am permitted to tell my wife to be the truth or should I burry it forever, she said I am free to tell her , but the boy is the only person to decide where to go when he come up of age , and am planing to relocated with my wife to be to my base along with the boy, now my problem , do you think it's right to tell the child that a man he used to knw throughout his lifetime is no longer his father and that a stranger is now his real father , I don't want to be selfish on this or to hurt anyone feeling, both the mother , the boy young 9yrs and the good man who was taking care of him since birth , I accepted to pay all the damages and all the money they spent on him and am not in a hurry to take the boy but atleast let me stamp my presence in his life instead of answering uncle... Is it right to tell him now or should I wait until he come up on age... Please your advices are need on this

Wait till he turns 18

I guess at that age he can be able to handle things

You are a sperm donor, not his father. Don't disrupt that child's life out of your own selfishness.

As long as DNA comes back positive and you pay child support for the lost time the child is legitimately yours..

This is Africa nobody can claim your child under any law or circumstances.

Who the boy will know as his father, is the one he has been living with in his formative years. We don't decide when to show up in our child's life and expect smooth sailing

UjuJoan2:
You are a sperm donor, not his father. Don't disrupt that child's life out of your own selfishness.

No such thing as sperm donor... This is human not animal.

Wait till he comes of age to tell him, but make sure the boy feels your presence while growing. However never think of separating the boy from his Mother or giving him a new home in your new family, that won't be nice for everyone. Let him grow and decide.

internationalman:


No such thing as sperm donor... This is human not animal.

This is nurture over nature. The boy has a real father, the one who raised him when the 'sperm donor' abandoned him and his mother.

Yes he is human, not an animal that you can discard whenever you like and come back to claim him when it's convenient.

you cant buy a child with money,even if he calls you daddy,his mother's husband still remains his hero.

can you take care of a child that is not yours?

if the child decides to follow you,its because of the financial gain,as you have money to spend.

you cant buy love,the child will love his step father forever.

9yrs is ok oo, by 18 ur of no use to him as his present father is catering for him, he's a man already, the earlier the better, children of this days they know much than u think,@ 4 yrs my little niece is saying things I can't imagine.

Tell him now, you will be surprised he will even understand.

vincenteger:
Wait till he turns 18
I guess at that age he can be able to handle things

U are right

this is huge,u are lucky that ur girl don't have grudge against u.as far as u can pay off the damages,go now that the boy is tender and establish ur presence.Tell ur girl that u are coming to meet her hubby,in d absence of d child discuss it with d hubby and plead with him to see reasons with u.as far as d man agreed then its up to u to make it up to d guy,in 5 years time it will be history as far as u are good.but if d man refuse I will teach u what my dad taught me

UjuJoan2:


This is nurture over nature. The boy has a real father, the one who raised him when the 'sperm donor' abandoned him and his mother.

Yes he is human, not an animal that you can discard whenever you like and come back to claim him when it's convenient.

You are making a point.

Being a father is not just about getting a woman pregnant. It comes with responsibilities

Ndukings92:
this is huge,u are lucky that ur girl don't have grudge against u.as far as u can pay off the damages,go now that the boy is tender and establish ur presence.Tell ur girl that u are coming to meet her hubby,in d absence of d child discuss it with d hubby and plead with him to see reasons with u.as far as d man agreed then its up to u to make it up to d guy,in 5 years time it will be history as far as u are good.but if d man refuse I will teach u what my dad taught me

what is ur dad taught u

Yoir friend can Establish his presence without uprooting the son from where he has peace.

Does the ex have other children for her hubby?

Is your son Legally adopted?

What is the assurance that your wife to be would cater to your son the way his step father does currently?

As long as you're alive, your son deserve to know who his real father is and there's no better time than now.
Everything should be done amicably on fair terms.
Also, be careful not to mess up their lives and disrupt their peace with selfish demands if you don't want God's wrath to descend on you.

Now is the time. The earlier the better. All he need do is reach out to both step father and son

AFONJAPIG:
a friend of mine needs advice , and I think I should bring it here for you guys to give ur advices, here it goes

My girlfriend got preg for me 8yrs ago, it wasn't smooth because she's still a young girl of 18 and I in my early 20s, we later had issue during that time because I Invited her to my place so we can have face to face chat on a way forward , she refused to come because we are not living in the same state and she thought my Sole motive of the invitation is to force her to abort the baby but that wasn't my intention, her mother and people were on my neck then, steady calls from her people got me more confused because am still a boy then in my earlier 20s still living with parents and without job, we lost contact after one serious arguments , she stopped calling and I as well see is as excuses to stay afar since am not ready for any of this , in the cause of it I lost my phone and all my contacts gone, fast forward to present day after that incident 6months after I traveled Abroad and was there for 4yrs , I found out 2yrs after, that she kept the baby, after I saw one of her newly unused Facebook account, I chatted her up but no response after months, I tried cousin sister who happens to be her friend because I knew her through my cousin sis , I tried all I could to establish contact but my cousin , her friends didn't help at all , she refused to give me her number claiming she didn't have it ,, I came back home after 4yrs I went to my cousin and I found out the girl is now married, I tried to get her number from my cousin but she equally don't have it. I tried Facebook, I created another account with my cousin's name and pictures and I tagged the girl
old Facebook account uploaded her picture with caption (looking for an old friend) within 2days one lady inbox me , she said she knw her, that she married one of her cousin, I begged her to give me her number pretending to be my cousin because I knw she won't give it to me if I said am a man, she later gave me the number after 2 days , the first day I made the first call I used another name but I was surprised how she knw it was me after so many years of not in contact with me, well our talk was smooth ... I asked her to give me her address which she did, the following week I went to see her place , I drove her somewhere quiet and we had a nice conversation , I told her it wasn't totally my fault that I tried to established contact after I left Nigeria and was financially ok to take care of her and the baby, but she told me she just married 2yr after giving birth and the man took the boy as his , because he was a pastor, I told her I took part of the blame for not trying to tell anyone even my parents or my eldest sister whom I knw will take care of the girl and baby without me stressing over it , my mother heard it from his brother's mouth as in form of rumour and which they didn't gave her the full details because when she pressure them they said it's a lie, to cut it short, I want to settle down by December and I think it's right to tell my wife to be about a son I had outside to avoid future issues, I asked the girl if am permitted to tell my wife to be the truth or should I burry it forever, she said I am free to tell her , but the boy is the only person to decide where to go when he come up of age , and am planing to relocated with my wife to be to my base along with the boy, now my problem , do you think it's right to tell the child that a man he used to knw throughout his lifetime is no longer his father and that a stranger is now his real father , I don't want to be selfish on this or to hurt anyone feeling, both the mother , the boy young 9yrs and the good man who was taking care of him since birth , I accepted to pay all the damages and all the money they spent on him and am not in a hurry to take the boy but atleast let me stamp my presence in his life instead of answering uncle... Is it right to tell him now or should I wait until he come up on age... Please your advices are need on this

This a sensitive issue and must be handled with caution to avoid heart break

You have to inform your wife to be so that she will be aware that she has a step son

It's now left for her to continue or pull out

You will have to meet your son step dad, introduce yourself to him in a most polite manner and let him know that, you didn't come to take the child away but to let him know that you ate back to his life and circumstances beyond you made you not to be there all these while

Meanwhile, thank him for being there in your gap and ask him what to pay him as compensation for bringing up the child

You see, you can't really pay all because it was not written but if you have up to 500k / 1m to give to that family, pls do give to him and his wife to appreciate them

Then gradually, he can visit you over there and bond with your family and after his primary or secondary school, he can relocate

Honestly, his exist will create a vacum in that family that's why you withdraw him gradually

He still have a lot with that family because that's the family he knows and he will continue to have alot with them

While that is going on, make sure you keep in touch with his step dad and pay for his school fees and upkeep to him

Be the family friend you have to be and when the child sees how you bond he will be glad to know that he has two families

Try to find out his current surname and if its not your surname, discuss with the step dad to change to your name

Lastly, maintain good relationships with the man especially and communicate more with him than the wife

It's best his wife gets information from him than him getting information from his wife about you

Trust is important at this stage

frozen70:


This a sensitive issue and must be handled with caution to avoid heart break

You have to inform your wife to be so that she will be aware that she has a step son

It's now left for her to continue or pull out

You will have to meet your son step dad, introduce yourself to him in a most polite manner and let him know that, you didn't come to take the child away but to let him know that you ate back to his life and circumstances beyond you made you not to be there all these while

Meanwhile, thank him for being there in your gap and ask him what to pay him as compensation for bringing up the child

You see, you can't really pay all because it was not written but if you have up to 500k / 1m to give to that family, pls do give to him and his wife to appreciate them

Then gradually, he can visit you over there and bond with your family and after his primary or secondary school, he can relocate

Honestly, his exist will create a vacum in that family that's why you withdraw him gradually

He still have a lot with that family because that's the family he knows and he will continue to have alot with them

While that is going on, make sure you keep in touch with his step dad and pay for his school fees and upkeep to him

Be the family friend you have to be and when the child sees how you bond he will be glad to know that he has two families

Try to find out his current surname and if its not your surname, discuss with the step dad to change to your name

Lastly, maintain good relationships with the man especially and communicate more with him than the wife

It's best his wife gets information from him than him getting information from his wife about you

Trust is important at this stage

tnx so much... Nicest advice so far.. I really appreciate

AFONJAPIG:
tnx so much... Nicest advice so far.. I really appreciate

Thank you

Leave the child alone,u r just a disturbance to his life,let him be 18 he can decide for himself . ur were thinking u were jiving then,what if she aborted,would u have cared,u r selfish and it's not fair on d child.

you should meet with the pastor first and have a good discussion just like you did with the mum.

Constant visit is needed, you need to bond with the child also.

AFONJAPIG:
what is ur dad taught u

its a secret,but it works well.

At age 7 is okay because at that time he can communicate and understand what daddy means.

Ndukings92:
its a secret,but it works well.

abeg teach me