Good morning,

I seek your advice about how to get my son to STOP sagging his trousers. He is 23 years old now and I have always thought, okay when he gets older he gets more mature and he will want to pull his pants up, look smarter, get a job. But how long do I have to wait until he is mature?
For about 10 years he has acted and dressed just like he wants to be a thug, a gangster, which he bases on the American rappers he loves so much and listens to all day. He tries to talk only in American slang, and he says "nigga" and "bruh", at the start and end of every single sentence. Of course the drugs come into it, because that is seen as cool, and stupid crimes like making "gangs" and fighting, and vandalising, messing up shops, and houses in public and so on. But it is all a stupid game. He is from a very privileged background, always lived in a safe, happy environment here in a gated community on Banana Island. When he was growing up, we always encouraged education, saying whichever you choose, England or America, we will pay for your university and get you a house there while you study. But he has chosen no university, not even a job. Just lay around, pretending to be a gangster, and trying to be a rapper.

Okay, I have gone on into all different issues. But it is the sagging trousers that I can't believe he still does. He has just come down from his bedroom, and he has come down using the elevator. He always uses the elevator in our own home, because his trousers are so low that he cannot walk on stairs. He cannot walk properly anyway, with his legs so wide apart he looks like he is completely disabled, such a slow and sluggish walk. But because his trousers are just so low, he cannot lift his feet up enough to walk on stairs. He finds it easier just to use the elevator, even at home. So he is actually disabled, I think, by sagging his trousers. He also has the habit of wearing two underwears, so he can sag his trousers even lower. I complain it makes extra work for the laundry maid, at least think of her, with double the amount of work to do for you just so you can wear your trousers lower. He doesn't care, he just said it's her job.

There is no convincing him as he says it is cool, it is like a gangster, and only "poor ass niggas and old ass niggas" (in his exact words) wear trousers at the normal height these days. He especially thinks it is very poor to not show expensive underwear and always a very expensive belt, such as Gucci. The crazy thing is his girlfriend says she loves it and it because it makes him look like a gangster. So I ask, do all Nigerian girls like this, is it normal Because if the girls want it, then of course the boys will keep doing it. I'm not blaming the girls, but just saying it will keep happening. And I know his friends, who all think they are cool in their fake "gang" will go out to the shopping centres and cause trouble. I know my son and them use to knock over any kids that had their trousers at a normal level, because they say they are poor and dumb.

I still believe the sagging trousers is one of the first signs of disrespect and if i can fix it then maybe other things will start to improve for my son. For one, he won't look like a criminal anymore. Maybe then he can start to live a better life, get a real job and so on. It has to start somewhere.
PLEASE help me with your advice on fixing this.........THANK YOU

He has just come down from his bedroom, and he has come down using the elevator

Na for Status of Liberty una dey live

Kriss216:

Na for Status of Liberty una dey live

Our house is not that tall

But, it is still very different from the rough streets my son wishes he was from

He is a spoilt brat...



There is nothing u can do to stop him...


When he was younger, you could have done so thing but no... You were waiting for him to grow and stop it himself...

Anyways only if he decide to stop himself.




Give me his number let me teach him a lesson

Only God can save him now.
Withdraw his funding.

Vyzz:
He is a spoilt brat...

There is nothing u can do to stop him...


When he was younger, you could have done so thing but no... You were waiting for him to grow and stop it himself...

Anyways only if he decide to stop himself.

I agree he is a spoilt brat. I feel guilty in many ways, but of course I can only write a very short, summary of everything that we have gone through with him over the last 10 years. This has included a lot of hard work from my husband and I, and other family members, and we worked very closely with his school to try and 'fix' him. So I have not just sat around watching. But, you are right, it is only up to him that can help himself now. But he does not want to. He has a great life, only about fun, and thinks he is so cool. There is no stopping him.

ThothHermes:
Only God can save him now.
Withdraw his funding.

It is getting very tempting.

VictoriaGrace:


I agree he is a spoilt brat. I feel guilty in many ways, but of course I can only write a very short, summary of everything that we have gone through with him over the last 10 years. This has included a lot of hard work from my husband and I, and other family members, and we worked very closely with his school to try and 'fix' him. So I have not just sat around watching. But, you are right, it is only up to him that can help himself now. But he does not want to. He has a great life, only about fun, and thinks he is so cool. There is no stopping him.

I would have said that you should stop giving him money and close all his accounts but....


That might lead him to something bad to keep up to his lifestyle...

Just pray now.

Pray.

VictoriaGrace:


It is getting very tempting.

What tone do you use in correcting him and is he an only child? If u have tried several means of correcting him, go with the option of withdrawing his funding and also take him away from his comfort zone. As for the issues of sagging trousers, pack all his low waist and burn them. I won't say dash out or sell cos the person u will be dashing or buying might end up having same issues you are trying to correct

Vyzz:




I would have said that you should stop giving him money and close all his accounts but....


That might lead him to something bad to keep up to his lifestyle...

Just pray now.

Pray.

This is true and a real concern. He is very used to a certain lifestyle. However unless my husband and I, and other relatives, also completely disinherited him, then he will still know he will get our money & properties one day.

Its not late yet to make him sit up. I advise a change of environment. Send him to spend some time in ur village or with a family less privileged for like a year or two. Take him out of his comfort zone.

somethinggood:
What tone do you use in correcting him and is he an only child? If u have tried several means of correcting him, go with the option of withdrawing his funding and also take him away from his comfort zone. As for the issues of sagging trousers, pack all his low waist and burn them. I won't say dash out or sell cos the person u will be dashing or buying might end up having same issues you are trying to correct

He is an only child. I have always considered myself a fairly strict mother, and my husband is quite stern. Even my friends thought so, when our son was younger. However, when he started acting silly, about ten years ago, I think we were worried we were being too strict with him and making him act like that as rebellion. So maybe we loosened up a little, but we have always been quite stern with him. Obviously not enough.

For his trousers, thank you for your suggestion. I have to say, he wears all trousers such as skinny jeans in this way, they are not meant to be worn like this but he just pulls them up only just above his knees, puts a belt on and leaves it there! This is why he cannot walk normally. He wears all trousers like this, even pyjamas at bed time and shorts for swimming, this is a 24/7 habit.

dangermouse:
Its not late yet to make him sit up. I advise a change of environment. Send him to spend some time in ur village or with a family less privileged for like a year or two. Take him out of his comfort zone.

I would LOVE to do that. I strongly believe he needs to see what a less privileged life really looks like. Instead of just bullying them because they don't have "Gucci belts" or something so stupid. We did try to take him back for charity work when he was younger, but he stopped going when he was about thirteen because it was just not cool. If we can arrange something like this, I think it would be very helpful in maturing him and making him into a better young man.

VictoriaGrace:


He is an only child. I have always considered myself a fairly strict mother, and my husband is quite stern. Even my friends thought so, when our son was younger. However, when he started acting silly, about ten years ago, I think we were worried we were being too strict with him and making him act like that as rebellion. So maybe we loosened up a little, but we have always been quite stern with him. Obviously not enough.

For his trousers, thank you for your suggestion. I have to say, he wears all trousers such as skinny jeans in this way, they are not meant to be worn like this but he just pulls them up only just above his knees, puts a belt on and leaves it there! This is why he cannot walk normally. He wears all trousers like this, even pyjamas at bed time and shorts for swimming, this is a 24/7 habit.

Okay, then his orientation needs to be addressed. How about his friends, do they dress that way? Have you thought about using his close pals or even his girlfriend to correct him? It's a gradual process but don't give up.

Again, how does he dress when going for public functions or occasion?

People actually believe this story

somethinggood:
Okay, then his orientation needs to be addressed. How about his friends, do they dress that way? Have you thought about using his close pals or even his girlfriend to correct him? It's a gradual process but don't give up.

Again, how does he dress when going for public functions or occasion?

His friends are the same, at least the ones he spends time with. His girlfriend apparently likes it, which as I said I find crazy and I wonder if this is normal amongst Nigerian girls of her age. If not, maybe they are part of the problem (NOT trying to blame others).

As for occasions, where a formal suit is required, he will reluctantly wear one, with the trousers at an (almost) normal level. So it is possible. But this is maybe once or twice a year.

QuietHammer:
People actually believe this story

I wish I didn't!

Tell your son many rappers are calm and well-respected people irl. They may be one way in their music videos but it's often an act. If you ever hear Justin Combs speak you'll see how unbelievably gentle and respectful he is. You won't see him walk into an interview sagging his pants, ever. Same thing with Chance The Rapper, Drake, Quavo, Papoose, to name a few.

VictoriaGrace:


His friends are the same, at least the ones he spends time with. His girlfriend apparently likes it, which as I said I find crazy and I wonder if this is normal amongst Nigerian girls of her age. If not, maybe they are part of the problem (NOT trying to blame others).

As for occasions, where a formal suit is required, he will reluctantly wear one, with the trousers at an (almost) normal level. So it is possible. But this is maybe once or twice a year.

Try to buy him more native wears like the one Ebuka of BBN wear... Let me see how he will sag with it.

Also, liase with his friend and Girlfriend, talk to them that you don't like the way he dresses, and it doesn't make him look responsible. And you will appreciate it not they can follow trend and change their mode of dressing.

You can as well take him for public gatherings after Corona break so he can mingle with others and see how they dress. Although I want to believe that with time sha, he will adjust

Jqtyfx:
Tell your son many rappers are calm and well-respected people irl. They may be one way in their music videos but it's often an act. If you hear ever Justin Combs speak you'll see how unbelievably gentle and respectful he is. You won't see him walk into an interview sagging his pants, ever. Same thing with Chance The Rapper, Drake, Quavo, Papoose, to name a few.

This is GREAT advice, thank you! Because he does emulate the rappers so much, and has always tried to be one. Of course, he is extremely influenced by their music videos, and the words of the songs. Which are NOT respectful at all. Actually, from reading your advice, I have thought of finding some pictures of some of these rappers wearing suits, looking smart. That way, it proves it is cool, and you can still be a rapper but smart and respectful. Better solution, probably, than trying to change his whole personality and goals overnight.

VictoriaGrace:


Our house is not that tall

But, it is still very different from the rough streets my son wishes he was from

Hmmm...many wishes...as I read through your concerns.

He needs to see life from, maybe, another prism. Try and have a "crucial conversation" with him. Highlight the source or sources of the privileges he enjoys today. That he needs to man up and build his own empire...his legacy. Outline why you think he needs to change his way of life...paint the "what ifs" to him...what if you or his dad is no more...what if he finds himself all alone...what if education or something upstairs is needed to stay relevant in life...

Also, try to know about his circle of friends...

Please, don't give up on him. Hmmm...this your post makes me wish...hmmm

somethinggood:
Try to buy him more native wears like the one Ebuka of BBN wear... Let me see how he will sag with it.

Also, liase with his friend and Girlfriend, talk to them that you don't like the way he dresses, and it doesn't make him look responsible. And you will appreciate it not they can follow trend and change their mode of dressing.

You can as well take him for public gatherings after Corona break so he can mingle with others and see how they dress. Although I want to believe that with time sha, he will adjust

Very true, could you imagine sagging in that! I would really love him to wear more traditional clothing, that was what I wanted and you should see what I dressed him in as a child Who knows, maybe one day he will embrace it, and with that comes, I believe, a respect for your culture and heritage.

I think talking with his girlfriend especially is worth trying. He listens to her more than me and usually does what she says

VictoriaGrace:

Very true, could you imagine sagging in that! I would really love him to wear more traditional clothing, that was what I wanted and you should see what I dressed him in as a child Who knows, maybe one day he will embrace it, and with that comes, I believe, a respect for your culture and heritage.

I think talking with his girlfriend especially is worth trying. He listens to her more than me and usually does what she says

you are a great mother! Cos u care about your son. I wish you the best

VictoriaGrace:


I would LOVE to do that. I strongly believe he needs to see what a less privileged life really looks like. Instead of just bullying them because they don't have "Gucci belts" or something so stupid. We did try to take him back for charity work when he was younger, but he stopped going when he was about thirteen because it was just not cool. If we can arrange something like this, I think it would be very helpful in maturing him and making him into a better young man.

Growing up, i have seen it work several times. Look for a tough principal of a government school or a decent family with a staunch disciplinarian. Fund them instead and let them use the money as they see fit and give them ur full support. Visit from time to time and make sure u deprive him of all internet phones. Harden ur heart to all his pleas and compliant, with time he will adjust. Believe me, i have seen this work.

I always laugh when I see protectively brought up privileged kids act gangster. They don't know what they are talking about. They see the minuscule percentage of thugs who made it in life (American rappers) and think that thug life is all glam and luxury.

Here is what to do. Like dangermouse suggested, he must get to know what a less privileged life looks like. For him to be wearing Gucci belts and expensive underwear means that you are sponsoring this lifestyle since he hasn't got a job. First of all, don't sponsor his excesses. Let him work for anything he wants. Take away some of the luxury he enjoys and tell him that since he is so cool, he will find a way to buy it with his own money. Secondly, tell the laundry maid not to wash his clothes anymore. If he complains, tell him that gangsters don't have laundry maids. Let him explore 'gangster life' bit by bit.

Chosen1984:
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

You Failed to take the Neccessary steps to Discipline your boy when He was Much younger. Probably you Didn't see anything wrong.

The Solution right now is to give him that Discipline and Corrections that you didn't give then, together with Fervent Prayers..

Proverb 29:15
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.

This closes it.

Funny, and people actually bought this script...

When they say raise the kids in Africa manner, u guys wl be claiming literate and westernized, I trust my mama, u can even hide to do it when not at home, but the day u are caught, hmm she go carry cane commot devil for ur body.

A guy of 23, there's limit to how u can scold him, keep talking to him politely and pray. His friends matters as well. If u are really bothered, disconnect him completely from his friends, and present environment.

crackhaus:
Funny, and people actually bought this script...

lol

Like, wait a minute. About 20 odd people here believe this story. Did you guys miss the elevator part or something?

VictoriaGrace, don't conclude that you're smart yet. It's just there's an unbelievable lot of gullible people in the world right now.

Look how some are pouring out some really good advice heartily and emotionally on this script. Smh.

VictoriaGrace:
Good morning,

I seek your advice about how to get my son to STOP sagging his trousers. He is 23 years old now and I have always thought, okay when he gets older he gets more mature and he will want to pull his pants up, look smarter, get a job. But how long do I have to wait until he is mature?
For about 10 years he has acted and dressed just like he wants to be a thug, a gangster, which he bases on the American rappers he loves so much and listens to all day. He tries to talk only in American slang, and he says "nigga" and "bruh", at the start and end of every single sentence. Of course the drugs come into it, because that is seen as cool, and stupid crimes like making "gangs" and fighting, and vandalising, messing up shops, and houses in public and so on. But it is all a stupid game. He is from a very privileged background, always lived in a safe, happy environment here in a gated community on Banana Island. When he was growing up, we always encouraged education, saying whichever you choose, England or America, we will pay for your university and get you a house there while you study. But he has chosen no university, not even a job. Just lay around, pretending to be a gangster, and trying to be a rapper.

Okay, I have gone on into all different issues. But it is the sagging trousers that I can't believe he still does. He has just come down from his bedroom, and he has come down using the elevator. He always uses the elevator in our own home, because his trousers are so low that he cannot walk on stairs. He cannot walk properly anyway, with his legs so wide apart he looks like he is completely disabled, such a slow and sluggish walk. But because his trousers are just so low, he cannot lift his feet up enough to walk on stairs. He finds it easier just to use the elevator, even at home. So he is actually disabled, I think, by sagging his trousers. He also has the habit of wearing two underwears, so he can sag his trousers even lower. I complain it makes extra work for the laundry maid, at least think of her, with double the amount of work to do for you just so you can wear your trousers lower. He doesn't care, he just said it's her job.

There is no convincing him as he says it is cool, it is like a gangster, and only "poor ass niggas and old ass niggas" (in his exact words) wear trousers at the normal height these days. He especially thinks it is very poor to not show expensive underwear and always a very expensive belt, such as Gucci. The crazy thing is his girlfriend says she loves it and it because it makes him look like a gangster. So I ask, do all Nigerian girls like this, is it normal Because if the girls want it, then of course the boys will keep doing it. I'm not blaming the girls, but just saying it will keep happening. And I know his friends, who all think they are cool in their fake "gang" will go out to the shopping centres and cause trouble. I know my son and them use to knock over any kids that had their trousers at a normal level, because they say they are poor and dumb.

I still believe the sagging trousers is one of the first signs of disrespect and if i can fix it then maybe other things will start to improve for my son. For one, he won't look like a criminal anymore. Maybe then he can start to live a better life, get a real job and so on. It has to start somewhere.
PLEASE help me with your advice on fixing this.........THANK YOU

At 23 he's no longer a kid. He is a man, I think you were the one that spoilt him right from time. At a young age, a child needs to learn about responsibility. When a child has everything at his reach, there would be no zeal to strive for more. I mean he affords designer stuffs. Don't tell me you buy him these stuffs with your money. Infact sagging should be the least of your worries now. There are more underlying issues that needs to be solved.

He needs to know life is not always easy and rosy. What kind of father is he going to become. You need to cut his allowance drastically. Let him recieve stipends per month that would be barely enough. If he drives your car, ban him till further notice. Ask him to get a job and fund his lifestyle. Put your feet down and lay down the rules and regulations of your home. You're the parent here. Of he can't abide by it, tell him to start saving for his apartment.

You think you're pampering him by giving him everything he wants, but you're not doing the right thing. How is he going to face life if you're no more?. Even if he inherits a lot, how is he going to manage it?. You don't want him trading drugs as a means of survival. Sit down talk to him, advise him and give your rules that he must obey.