Notatribalist:
Don't judge with one sided story..If the man has found a new mistress do you think he would insist the wife join him in Lagos?

Yea he will... Knowing fully well that she wont .... Lady .... finished your studies.....beg your brother inlaw nd his family....but wait a minute...all tru his stay in lagos...u haven't gone to his haux..

Yes he will...

You were not wrong to have arrested your brother in law It was not the best decision to make but it was needed then.How could they come in and take your belongings and treat you like a stranger?Where was the respect for you?
You say you still love him so leave room for reconciliation.Apologize where necessary.

One thing though,you don't have good in-laws.From the FIL who doesn't know how to mediate to the BIL who has no respect for you and the husband who treats you like a doormat.If you still want the marriage,prepare to deal with having little or no opinion in your marriage.

Whatever you do, don't quit your program.See it to the end.Also see how you can get a job transfer to Lagos or another job before making a permanent move.

Isokoboy:


Yea he will... Knowing fully well that she wont .... Lady .... finished your studies.....beg your brother inlaw nd his family....but wait a minute...all tru his stay in lagos...u haven't gone to his haux..

I have gone with a friend to beg his brother but when I got there, immediately I saw him, we went on our knees and I cried my eye out to show remorseful and beg for forgiveness, he called his father/brother and they instructed him to leave the shop for me. I waited for like 90 mins, he never show face again. I don't want to go back to his father because he colluded with his son to humiliated me.

Isokoboy:


Yea he will... Knowing fully well that she wont .... Lady .... finished your studies.....beg your brother inlaw nd his family....but wait a minute...all tru his stay in lagos...u haven't gone to his haux..

I have gone with a friend to beg his brother but when I got there, immediately I saw him, we went on our knees and I cried my eye out to show remorseful and beg for forgiveness, he called his father/brother and they instructed him to leave the shop for me. I waited for like 90 mins, he never show face again. I don't want to go back to his father because he colluded with his son to humiliated me. I learnt he has moved to a new address.

Realashbobby:


I have gone with a friend to beg his brother but when I got there, immediately I saw him, we went on our knees and I cried my eye out to show remorseful and beg for forgiveness, he called his father/brother and they instructed him to leave the shop for me. I waited for like 90 mins, he never show face again. I don't want to go back to his father because he colluded with his son to humiliated me. I learnt he has moved to a new address.

You cannot force a horse to drink water, even if you force it to the stream.
Leave these people alone, and stop harassing them.
Move on with your life, as they have moved on with theirs.
What's happened has happened, too many unpleasant stuff has happened between the families, so there's really no point again. He doesn't want you. They also seem to despise you on top.
I hope say you don't have coconut head sha, because the handwriting is on the wall.
Strive and work hard o, and be impactful in this life.
What are your hobbies? Start doing more of them.
Use your spare time to build yourself professionally, start aiming towards professional certifications. Stay busy, so you're not tempted to start stalking your ex in laws.
Channel all that energy into yourself and your child.

Realashbobby:


I have gone with a friend to beg his brother but when I got there, immediately I saw him, we went on our knees and I cried my eye out to show remorseful and beg for forgiveness, he called his father/brother and they instructed him to leave the shop for me. I waited for like 90 mins, he never show face again. I don't want to go back to his father because he colluded with his son to humiliated me.

Beats me why you still want to remained married into this terrible family. Just focus on developing yourself and raising your child. If God wills, a better man will come your way.

Realashbobby:

Thank you , I am almost done with the programme just to defend the project and get the
cert.

Great. Just keep your head up. His family though is still hurdle you have to cross should the marriage remain.

Realashbobby:


I have gone with a friend to beg his brother but when I got there, immediately I saw him, we went on our knees and I cried my eye out to show remorseful and beg for forgiveness, he called his father/brother and they instructed him to leave the shop for me. I waited for like 90 mins, he never show face again. I don't want to go back to his father because he colluded with his son to humiliated me.

Marriage do have its up and down...the marriage could continue...its just a matter of time.... But focus now on your job, and studies......also make sure your family and his should settle..take very good care of your baby and dont turn your baby against his father no matter wat happens...God bless you

Realashbobby:


I arrested his brother out of frustration, when the brothers packed all stuff, they just send the nanny and my son outside. I borrowed clothes to back my baby. I was putting on a single cloth for like 3 days. I felt humiliated.

You owe no one an explanation on why you did that. You did what you felt was right. You could pick cues for the future. Focus on the present and prepare for the future.

My take maybe different from most people because I taken time to read between the lines.
Your husband loved his family enough to desire that you all live together in Lagos. His job could provide for you all.

You refused to move to Lagos until you got a certificate from UI. You didnt tell us you had gotten admission but that you applied.

I get that you want to further your education but there are schools in Lagos.
It is curious that you would prefer to live by yourself in Ibadan and than live as a family in Lagos.
Most men would have issues living like a bachelor after marriage especially for years.

You even said he had stopped coming to Ibadan to see you as regularly as he used to. How long did you expect him to keep moving to and from lagos.

When he had failed to convince you to move to Lagos, he started wearing a long face.
You said you too became cold. I find that very odd. You know why your husband started showing you that he was not happy about your decision. Most wives would plead and entreat him to bear with you but you went cold yourself and you are proud to say it. Not because he beat you, or cheated, or couldnt provide but because he was unhappy that you choose not to live together with him in Lagos.

Thirdly, you could have easily found out where your husband lived in Lagos and gone with a family member to talk to him when he carried some properties you felt were yours to Lagos or you could have gone to see his father. Yet you immediately went to report your own husband in the police station. To make matters worse you got them to arrest his brother till he brought back your properties.
My sister I dont know what exactly went wrong in your marriage but love and respect had flown out and especially on your own part in the later part of the marriage.

Maybe there were other things that happened that you did not say but believe me your reactions to everything did not show that you loved the man

NoToPile:


The only mistake is you should never have arrested the brother, that's all.

I get you were frustrated anyway, I believe there might be another woman sha that might be the only logical explanation for not at least seeing you guys the day you visited the office God will help you oo.

Don't sign the divorce papers, since you guys are properly married let your family discuss with his, apologize for the arrest but I am feeling he doesn't even want you anymore.

There's no need to apologize if the brother doesn't apologize for coming into someone else's home to carry away their belongings.

Realashbobby:


I have gone with a friend to beg his brother but when I got there, immediately I saw him, we went on our knees and I cried my eye out to show remorseful and beg for forgiveness, he called his father/brother and they instructed him to leave the shop for me. I waited for like 90 mins, he never show face again. I don't want to go back to his father because he colluded with his son to humiliated me.

Madam, respect yourself please. You do not owe him an apology except he apologizes. That said, focus on your life for now and hope you can reconcile if possible otherwise, find the best life for your son and do all to get custody of that child. Someone who wouldn't care you guys came to Lagos to see him shows he wouldn't care should the child be maltreated.

Realashbobby:


I arrested his brother out of frustration, when the brothers packed all stuff, they just send the nanny and my son outside. I borrowed clothes to back my baby. I was putting on a single cloth for like 3 days. I felt humiliated.

You owe nobody any explanation. His chicken will come home to roost.

If you can relocate to where you won't be easily traced better.

You see that degree, you must finish it. God will help you.

LadySarah:


You owe nobody any explanation. His chicken will come home to roost.

If you can relocate to where you won't be easily traced better.

You see that degree, you must finish it. God will help you.

I have left the house we stayed together because he has dropped the key with the landlady when he moved stuff out, upon returning my stuff to the house. the landlady gave me a quit notice and I started looking for house and I was able to secure one within 3 weeks.

.

Op, I hope you know that keeping any information to yourself that could shed more light to the situation is detrimental to yourself and the marriage you're trying to save.

That being said, if what you're saying is absolutely true with nothing left out then you're married to a sadist with demons for relatives.

And frankly I see no logical reasons why you'd want to stay.
Because even if he eventually takes you back you've proven to be someone with no self worth who can easily be run over and will always come back grovelling.

You guys seem to have a lot of communication issues and also, it might be that a troublesome soul has sown bad thoughts into his head on why his wife refuses to move with him and prefers to stay apart.
If that is the case it would explain for his irrational behavior but then it could have all be solved with simple communication and assurance.

Someone once said that people should be taken by their actions and not their words.
He words says he wants his wife with him. His actions do not.

Never ever ever judge a story only from a woman's perspective.

Never ever.

By the way madam, your writing is nauseating.

Damn...

I put myself in her shoes and thought even if I 'forgive', can I actually forget?

However, the lady in question still wants the marriage so I figured there might be some things she skipped in her op or she has Stockholm syndrome or she just wants to keep her child in a home with both parents.

Just reading all that, I felt traumatized to be honest but hey its Nigeria and women claim they are looking at the big picture when they absorb all sorts of disrespect.

Klass99:


Your comment had me LOL.

It is as if Nigerian marriages are typically meant to turn us into prayer warriors, always praying for one thing like the other user suggested OP should do around midnight.

As for the rest of OP's story and the subsequent events, after the main saga - I was wondering to myself, is marriage really worth all this stress and headache?

What women go through or have to endure/take, in the name of marriage, makes marriage very unattractive and unappealing.

Hmm went through your post here and I felt for you.... He doesn't deserve you... Just be more focused about your life and be cool okay... God bless you now and always

Karleb:
This might be a bit insensitive but I had a laugh when you said he moved your matrimonial bed.

Bed is bed, matrimonial bed is a metaphor.

---

Are you saying you don't want to divorce this man?

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On a serious note, how can a lady insist on staying in Ibadan while her husband is staying in Lagos.

The degree she's taking about is a part time program, I presume.

It becomes embarrassing and shameful for a man who has a house in Lagos to always go to Ibadan every now and then to meet his wife. Why can't the wife be the one going over to his place? Men have ego.

It's not as if Lagos to Ibadan is even that far.


Not in any way saying the man is right though.

I don't agree with you. Op told her husband to let her finish her degree in UI and she is right. She needs that degree to get a good job in Lagos. So that she can assist him well. The husband should be more understanding. I pray God sees her through.

Personally I will not advice you to divorce. Please just pray for your husband and keep talking to him. God will intervene and bring him back to his senses.

But please make sure you complete your degree. Your husband is making noise now because you're in Ibadan. Does he want you to stay in Lagos and become a liability, without any degree or work? He should be grateful that you are contributing to the home.

I pray God sees you through and make him understand.

Realashbobby:

Thank you , I am almost done with the programme just to defend the project and get the
cert.

If all is left is the peoject defense, then please move to Lagos with your husband. I thought you stilled had like a year or 2 years to go. Talk to you project supervisor about your situation. I'm sure he/she will understand.

Tell you supervisor you will prefer to work remotely until whenever there is need to come to school. This way you can save your marriage.

For the job, I think you should take a leave and talk to you husband. Let him know that you are putting effort into lrelocating. Except if you want to live in Ibadan by force, then that will be bad for your marriage

Realashbobby:


I have done like you said o, I took some days leave at work and pack my baby and my bag, I don't know his home address but I know his work address in VI, I went to his office and I called but he didn't pick,. Not until when one of his colleagues called him that his wife is here. He csaid he is not on duty that day and not around that I should go back to where I am coming from.
I didn't get back to ibadan until 11pm that day. Till today he never ask how I got home with the baby.

Madam the way you are doing this thing, you never ready oo. I wish I was with you. We will stay there until he closes work. How will you come to Lagos and just go back like that without even seeing your husband. You have to let him see that you are serious. Please madam put in more effort in making this your marriage work abeg.

PuZZyNegro:


The man does not want the marriage anymore. Don't force it.

You have just one child. You can still remarry and live happily ever after

Please stop.telling her not to force it. Madam I beg you, you have to exhaust all your options. Let heaven know that you did your best before you eventually give up. Have you apologized to his brother? Tell your sibling to help you beg. This is not funny. You need to be serious with this thing. I feel you aren't putting in enough effort to make things right.

At the end of the day, the ball is solely in your court. You can play it how you like. God have mercy in all of us.

Chiquitq:
The man is from a bad family. Bad brother and bad father. If they are sure that they are right, the brother won't be sneaking to pack his brother's stuff. A good father in-law would not insist on you moving to Lagos there and then despite your job and program. They left you no choice but to arrest the brother. Don't let mad people tell you otherwise. The man and I brother had no regard for you and behaved like a thief. This man is not the type to go forever with. You would meet another man in your future that would treat you better than this. Don't cling to him because his family would fail you again

Madam please and please before you listen to people telling you to leave your husband better do your best both humanly and spiritually possible (fasting and prayer) to arrange your family back.

She can always go for her project stuff from Lagos, at least she will have some where to put up until she finishes what she came for.

She should apply diplomacy in dealing with the matter, you don't fight a man because of this, wisdom is needed to tackle the situation.

From my experience,she should relocate to Lagos with immediate effect.

Shalom

Mindlog:


What of schooling, where she is close to defending her project?

From your story, I understood. You were divorced based on relocation, your husband is childish and selfish. Actually for the love of his family, you would requested for a good job before you are argue with him about relocation and your studies. So, right now as the divorce still look like a threat, I feel you both can settle. He used you to help himself through school and also used your apartment to make you a baby. Well agreed he had no job yet. What I will suggest for you to move on, is to finish your degree, then hangout and feel young again. He is so mean to have left you and your 17months old son. Just finish the degree, be focused, find someone else to confide in when you need to share your heart pain and stories for the day. Some men can be very mean. Just remember never fall for his manipulations be yourself, and live happily ever after. He left his image with you. Don't worry he will come back for you but then inform him that you assumed he has died.

AnonymousRebec:


Madam the way you are doing this thing, you never ready oo. I wish I was with you. We will stay there until he closes work. How will you come to Lagos and just go back like that without even seeing your husband. You have to let him see that you are serious. Please madam put in more effort in making this your marriage work abeg.

He wasn't at work at the time of visit, it's a rotational work, he was off that day and he told me he is not within Lagos that I should go back to where I came from

These are what u need to do: (1)Look for someone (if possible, elderly person) that your husband and his family respect to go and help you beg them for any of your misdeed, and explain things to them. (2)Your husband loves u, that is why he want you moved to Lagos with him. Look for way, discuss with him humbly and apologetically, and submissibly, why u still need to be in Ibadan for the little time. I sense lack of good communication between two of you especially in this regard. The last time u had sex with him was more than a year (according to your other post.), sexually u are missing. He too will feel same or have more sexual urge (that u may not like to see him because of issues btw u is even bad). Not all man can take that! this can help resolve some issues faster in marriage. DISTANCE GAP between two of u is what is affecting ur marriage. (3)The divorce threats is as a result of how you handle the situations, especially when they packed your things. (4) Be prayerful to God to keep the marriage. With prayer, submissiveness, humility to ur husband and his family all will be well. don't go the divorce way. (5)Lastly, u need to sit down too and check ur own life, maybe u a offending or denying the man in anyway.make amend. Because if the man narrate his own side of the story, we may also pity him.

kayalcomp:
These are what u need to do: (1)Look for someone (if possible, elderly person) that your husband and his family respect to go and help you beg them for any of your misdeed, and explain things to them. (2)Your husband loves u, that is why he want you moved to Lagos with him. Look for way, discuss with him humbly and apologetically, and submissibly, why u still need to be in Ibadan for the little time. I sense lack of good communication between two of you especially in this regard. (3)The divorce threats is as a result of how you handle the situations, especially when they packed your things. (4) Be prayerful to God to keep the marriage. With prayer, submissiveness, humility to ur husband and his family all will be well. don't go the divorce way. (5)Lastly, u need to sit down too and check ur own life, maybe u a offending the man in anyway.make amend. Because if the man narrate his own side of the story, we may also pity him.

Phew!

@realashbobby,

Perhaps he has moved on,you need to do the same .
From your explanation, your reason for staying in Ibadan is reasonable,your arrest of his brother happened because at the time,it was the only thing you could do especially with a 17 month old child.

If you feel you were wrong,then its sensible for you to have a mature discussion about it.

I don't understand why people think eviscerating your dignity and humiliating yourself by kneeling and crying like a toddler is a sign of repentance. You can be sincere and contrite without the theatrics.

If someone gave you 100million now,would you still go back and be begging? I know why I'm asking


Your husband wants a divorce, respect his wishes.Yes its painful but you cannot force him to love you or remain married to you.

Go and finish school and then start to chase money ,you need to give your child a good life. These two tasks are enough to reset your brain.