descarado:


Go and engage yourself with something meaningful.

he's my only brother from same parents who called to put me in the picture of what he's facing even though we stay in different states. I should not be concerned

V3ra:
No more privacy again, anything that happens even fake stories sharp sharp it has been posted online in bid to trend and make frontpage.

if people don't speak out and died in depression, the same you will ask them that they need to speak out. there's nothing wrong in seeking opinions either online or offline. we learn from people experiences.

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.
What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.
imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.
It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.
Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.
Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. They nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

Is it a woman's job to connect the children to their father? Are they not his children? Why did he not ensure he creates that bond between him and them.

When men will abandon children for their mothers, and be forming big man. . in taking care of your own children. This is the consequences.

You don't know the bond that develops over little things like helping them with bathing them, feeding them, helping them with their assignments, taking them to school e.t.c You think the children know/care who pays their school fees? It's the person who was there for them emotionally that they will love and appreciate.

Nigerians men continue forming big men, but don't cry foul when your own children turn on you!!!

The woman have so much influence on those kids because your brother wasn't there enough for them. Fatherly role is more than just paying bills and putting foods on the table honestly. Now the woman is in total control of the kids emotions and feelings.

letskeeptalking:


Is it a woman's job to connect the children to their father? Are they not his children? Why did he not ensure he creates that bond between him and them.

When men will abandon children for their mothers, and be forming big man. . in taking care of your own children. This is the consequences.

You don't know the bond that develops over little things like helping them with bathing them, feeding them, helping them with their assignments, taking them to school e.t.c You think the children know/care who pays their school fees? It's the person who was there for them emotionally that they will love and appreciate.

Nigerians men continue forming big men, but don't cry foul when your own children turn on you!!!

Yes, bonding is important but not everyone is good at it especially with some jobs. Now, if the children are disobedient to their father but not to the mother, isn't it obvious?? she can correct it, not as if he's the type that beats his wife.

V3ra:
Some things can be solved offline. When there was no internet, didn't problems get solved?

And now that there is internet, shouldn't we take advantage of it by getting more audience and opinions? or what is the usefulness of the internet if we can't use it to do what we do offline

These are the effects of investing more in children material welfare than in their spiritual and moral life. I believe your brother was too careless with his children from their tender age. Only God knows who his wife really is.

omojesu202:


Yes, bonding is important but not everyone is good at it especially with some jobs. Now, if the children are disobedient to their father but not to the mother, isn't it obvious?? she can correct it, not as if he's the type that beats his wife.

Women also work, sometimes even more than men. Men just choose not to bond, and that decision is nobody’s fault.

A woman cannot tell her child what to feel.

At the end of the day whet the child will remember is how he felt safe with the Mother and no recollection of ever having such feelings for the Fathed.

letskeeptalking:


Women also work, sometimes even more than men. Men just choose not to bond, and that decision is nobody’s fault.

A woman cannot tell her child what to feel.

At the end of the day whet the child will remember is how he felt safe with the Mother and no recollection of ever having such feelings for the Fathed.

While bonding with the children is on the man, let's not ignore that the mother teaches the children to disobey their father by undermining his authority over them.

How can a father call his sons to wash the car and the mother say 'they are sleeping'?

Did they go to the farm overnight? Can't they wash the car and go back to sleep?

If sleep is so important to them, can't they wash it the night before?

And shouldn't a 20 year old help his father dress up for work? Polish his shoes, iron his clothes, help him co-ordinate his wears in the newest fashion?

Let's assume the man doesn't actively seek to bond with his kids (a lot of Nigerian fathers are guilty); can't the mother encourage it especially if they are not in an abusive marriage?

The mother should be the one pushing the kids to wash his car, polish his socks, iron his shirts, pick his tie etc. That way, they would bond and the father can pass nuggets to the sons.

The sons would also learn how to be responsible, co-ordinate/lead a family, note the father's mistakes to improve on etc.

If the OP was complaining about the sons not sitting with their father to watch CNN, I would ask if the father sowed the seed to reap such.

But disrespect on the mother's orders and with her backing? Na!

Something is wrong in this country. So your brother no fit use koboko with hot pepper arrange their brain. What kind of parents and children are they producing this days.

Something is wrong in this country. So your brother no fit use koboko with hot pepper arrange theirs brain. What kind of parents and children are they producing this days.

omojesu202:


I even prefer my marriage to collapse than my brother's own. His problem is my problem. I know how to handle mine, contribute to where I request your contribution or stfu

From the way u sounded, you are more concerned on the money your brother spent on his kids which is absolutely bad. his children & wife are his responsibility. I see no reason applauding him over his duty, if he doesn't no one will. As for his children disobeying him don't jump to conclusion that their mother is responsible for it, tell ur bro to sit them down and talk to them, he can disclipline them they are his kids. you yourself can talk to them with love, you are their uncle. Divorce shouldn't be an option in this issue.

boldx:
Washing a car or not washing is not a problem at all.

Most teenagers and post teens need to be reminded to do a lot of things in the house.

Please do not intervene in husband and wife matter though he is your brother.

His children are no longer kids and should be handled wisely.

If they don't wash his car, the man should wash his car by himself. It's no big deal. I wash my car myself despite having big teenagers. They do once in a while though.

I have consistently faced this challenge. Please don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

It's actually not a mole hill, it's a mountain. No parent wants children that are repeatedly disobedient to them, particularly when asked to carry out tasks that breach no ethical or moral code. It's not like he asked them to use their naked hands to pick big a burning piece of coal.

People you've been there for and made all manner of sacrifices for can't do something as simple as wash your car and you call that a mole hill? If you don't have any helpful advice for him, it's understandable. Don't trivialize such a big issue!

Once such signs start to show, there's every cause for alarm.

Why would you want any body to wash your car everyday ! If u flip places, as a son or daughter, can you wash your parents car everyday? Get a car cover for ur car if you don't like seeing dirt on ur car. Telling them to wash at least twice a week is more reasonable.
Also, talking about money he spent, was it wise of him to spend 200k out of a 200k salary, on school fees? Having 3 children. Why not put them in a school he can comfortable afford. The stress would have been less n there won't be much regret.

VTJN:
From the way u sounded, you are more concerned on the money your brother spent on his kids which is absolutely bad. his children & wife are his responsibility. I see no reason applauding him over his duty, if he doesn't no one will. As for his children disobeying him don't jump to conclusion that their mother is responsible for it, tell ur bro to sit them down and talk to them, he can disclipline them they are his kids. you yourself can talk to them with love, you are their uncle. Divorce shouldn't be an option in this issue.

sending your children to good school is a form of investment and our prayers is to eat the fruit of our labor. Yes, I'm not jumping to conclusions to blame the mother. All I'm saying is how would you handle such situation as the mother seems to be part of it.
it is a sad scene to see your 20 and 18 years old sons collaborating in disobeying you

If the car is the only issue then it's not enough reason to say they are disobeying him.

Since there's two of them this is even simple sef.
Let them share the task.
Son A washes today, son B tomorrow.
If washing it early is the issue they should wash it when he gets home.
He should compromise and let them wash it 5/7 times a week. Is he caring and compassionate to them?

Children of that age aren't stupid.
What you need from them would be respect and not the classic fear that has worked from when they were little to adolescent.

Give them treats once in a while.

He needs to bond with his children.
Men think it doesn't matter but these little things determine the kind of relationship you will have with your children in your old age.

I bet he doesn't even know anything about his children.

He should set aside time, could be a day, once a month, to take them out without his wife, on a field trip, go visit a resort, amusement park, tourist attractions and really take time to know his children.

If he's a genuine person, they'll grow to love him and he'll be amazed at the change that will happen.

And OP, money isn't the ultimate form of care. Whether he spent 2mill or 20k on their fees won't matter in the long run. What will matter is how he treated them.
What will matter is if he treated his children like someone he loves and cares for or like some investment he's expecting ROI from in the nearest future.

omojesu202:
It is no news that most marriages are collapsing.
Mine is just two years but I also see signs of collapse.
What's happening in my brothers marriage is painful to me because I know the financial investment and sacrifices he puts into it. I don't know what he did to his wife but she has turned his children against him.
imagine that you cannot tell your 20 years old first son to wash your car like 7am, the mother will tell you that you should allow him to enjoy his sleep. Not once, not twice and not thrice.
This is the children you'll go hungry and borrow money to pay high school fees to make sure they go to good schools.
It is painful to me because I knew when he was paying 200k per term each on three kids while his basic was just 300k.
Now the firstborn and secondborn will disobey him on ordinary washing of car just because he can no longer meet up.
Please how would you handle such issues?
You might just hear that a man killed his wife and three children in the news. That would not be our portion.

From outside, she has been a good woman but she didn't blend the children to their father. They nature of his job takes him on transfer always and not stationed with his family but regular monthly visit is always there.

I don't get what you want us to do bayi?

Your marriage is collapsing...your brother's is crumbling...his kids(20 and 18 yrs) don't obey him bla bla bla'....na today all these things come start? No na. He allowed it to fester and this is the result.


My advice: Divorce your wife,let your brother divorce his wife and disown his sons.

NextD18:
Your brother should be more concerned if those children are his biological children, because whenever a wife start turning kids against their father, there are high chances and possibilities of paternity fraud.

Nigerian women didn't rank world number 2 in paternity fraud for no reason.

He should secretly opt for a DNA test first.

Fuqin good point

boldx:
Washing a car or not washing is not a problem at all.

Most teenagers and post teens need to be reminded to do a lot of things in the house.

Please do not intervene in husband and wife matter though he is your brother.

His children are no longer kids and should be handled wisely.

If they don't wash his car, the man should wash his car by himself. It's no big deal. I wash my car myself despite having big teenagers. They do once in a while though.

I have consistently faced this challenge. Please don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Just stop with the advice Sir.

You are even facing this challenge and you still get advice to give OP?

Since your teenagers are disrespectful not to wash your car, do we have to swallow your pill for you?

You trained them that way. So you are not better than OP.

letskeeptalking:


Women also work, sometimes even more than men. Men just choose not to bond, and that decision is nobody’s fault.

A woman cannot tell her child what to feel.

At the end of the day whet the child will remember is how he felt safe with the Mother and no recollection of ever having such feelings for the Fathed.

This assertion is BS.

My dad ain't always at home too but we never disrespected him. Funny enough, we love him pass our mama, even though ,she gets more stuffs from us.

Whatever nonsense bond una dey talk about comes when the man is lax in parenting or the kids love their mum naturally.

bukatyne:


While bonding with the children is on the man, let's not ignore that the mother teaches the children to disobey their father by undermining his authority over them.

How can a father call his sons to wash the car and the mother say 'they are sleeping'?

Did they go to the farm overnight? Can't they wash the car and go back to sleep?

If sleep is so important to them, can't they wash it the night before?

And shouldn't a 20 year old help his father dress up for work? Polish his shoes, iron his clothes, help him co-ordinate his wears in the newest fashion?

Let's assume the man doesn't actively seek to bond with his kids (a lot of Nigerian fathers are guilty); can't the mother encourage it especially if they are not in an abusive marriage?

The mother should be the one pushing the kids to wash his car, polish his socks, iron his shirts, pick his tie etc. That way, they would bond and the father can pass nuggets to the sons.

The sons would also learn how to be responsible, co-ordinate/lead a family, note the father's mistakes to improve on etc.

If the OP was complaining about the sons not sitting with their father to watch CNN, I would ask if the father sowed the seed to reap such.

But disrespect on the mother's orders and with her backing? Na!

Logical output

VTJN:
From the way u sounded, you are more concerned on the money your brother spent on his kids which is absolutely bad. his children & wife are his responsibility. I see no reason applauding him over his duty, if he doesn't no one will. As for his children disobeying him don't jump to conclusion that their mother is responsible for it, tell ur bro to sit them down and talk to them, he can disclipline them they are his kids. you yourself can talk to them with love, you are their uncle. Divorce shouldn't be an option in this issue.

How many times will y'all say this 'sit them down and talk to them" shiiit?

It will never work.

Going by all this nairaland post on marital issues. Singles like me will be scared to tow that part.

Marriage keep looking scary daily

Can we have couples who have been having it well come to motivate us

Not post of problems in marriage daily

lovelybugs:
If the car is the only issue then it's not enough reason to say they are disobeying him.

Since there's two of them this is even simple sef.
Let them share the task.
Son A washes today, son B tomorrow.
If washing it early is the issue they should wash it when he gets home.
He should compromise and let them wash it 5/7 times a week. Is he caring and compassionate to them?

Children of that age aren't stupid.
What you need from them would be respect and not the classic fear that has worked from when they were little to adolescent.

Give them treats once in a while.

He needs to bond with his children.
Men think it doesn't matter but these little things determine the kind of relationship you will have with your children in your old age.

I bet he doesn't even know anything about his children.

He should set aside time, could be a day, once a month, to take them out without his wife, on a field trip, go visit a resort, amusement park, tourist attractions and really take time to know his children.

If he's a genuine person, they'll grow to love him and he'll be amazed at the change that will happen.

And OP, money isn't the ultimate form of care. Whether he spent 2mill or 20k on their fees won't matter in the long run. What will matter is how he treated them.
What will matter is if he treated his children like someone he loves and cares for or like some investment he's expecting ROI from in the nearest future.

Where is the sense in this for Pete's sakes?

Which useless bond does a father need to have before his sons obey him? Was there a need for bonding when he pays their school fees or feed them? Or was there a report of his maltreating them Everytime or even beating his wife? It's sacrosanct that these sons OBEY him at all times, unconditionally. Which mumu bond are you looking for again?

You didn't even talk of the disrespectful wife at all. Ain't that sweet of you! The wife spoilt the whole show by encouraging the kids to flout their dad's orders, WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. Had it been he dealt with her and the sons saw his willpower, they will note he is charge and fall in line. They have seen he won't do shiit and like most kids, they follow the best path of least resistance to their will: in this case,the MOM!

What I find baffling is how even men here kept yapping about bonds and binds and bondage and James bond and stock and bonds...without making any tangible point. The issue is that his wife already left him high and dry and his kids followed. I remembered a case on NL about a man who wakes up everyday to fetch water on his head for his whole house and he has grown up boys and girls and a wife. WHAT DAFUQ DID YOU THINK MADE HIM THAT WAY?


Please,scrutinise a story and be logical with your conclusions. Only bukatyne made some logical points.

luminouz:


Where is the sense in this for Pete's sakes?

Which useless bond does a father need to have before his sons obey him? Was there a need for bonding when he pays their school fees or feed them? Or was there a report of his maltreating them Everytime or even beating his wife? It's sacrosanct that these sons OBEY him at all times, unconditionally. Which mumu bond are you looking for again?

You didn't even talk of the disrespectful wife at all. Ain't that sweet of you! The wife spoilt the whole show by encouraging the kids to flout their dad's orders, WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. Had it been he dealt with her and the sons saw his willpower, they will note he is charge and fall in line. They have seen he won't do shiit and like most kids, they follow the best path of least resistance to their will: in this case,the MOM!

What I find baffling is how even men here kept yapping about bonds and binds and bondage and James bond and stock and bonds...without making any tangible point. The issue is that his wife already left him high and dry and his kids followed. I remembered a case on NL about a man who wakes up everyday to fetch water on his head for his whole house and he has grown up boys and girls and a wife. WHAT DAFUQ DID YOU THINK MADE HIM THAT WAY?


Please,scrutinise a story and be logical with your conclusions. Only bukatyne made some logical points.

Lol
Funny how you think feeding or taking care of the children YOU brought to this world is doing them a favour.

Obey, obey, obey. That's all you care about.
Anyhow sha.

lovelybugs:


Lol
Funny how you think feeding or taking care of the children YOU brought to this world is doing them a favour.

Obey, obey, obey. That's all you care about.
Anyhow sha.

Funny how you skipped the wife's part again and discounted every sacrifice the husband made. Damn gurl, you is a sly mudafucker!!!

Bond, Bond, Bond...that's all you care about!!! Bugs Bond

luminouz:



Funny how you skipped the wife's part again and discounted every sacrifice the husband made. Damn gurl, you is a sly mudafucker!!!

Bond, Bond, Bond...that's all you care about!!! Bugs Bond

You're being very emotional about this.

First of, taking care of your children is not a sacrifice it is a responsibility.
He actually tried in putting them in a relatively expensive school and he should be commended because he didn't have to.

This issue on ground is something that will only get worse as those children get older

He needs to rectify it now.
Those boys are way to old to use force on.
So he needs to tackle the issue from another point.

As for the wife, I really don't see her as an issue.
Like I said, his children doesn't respect him and it's something he needs to fix. With time they would be the ones pestering him to help him do things and that comes from a place of love.

I honestly don't care if you don't feel the need to have a bond with your children. That is your choice.

bukatyne:


While bonding with the children is on the man, let's not ignore that the mother teaches the children to disobey their father by undermining his authority over them.

How can a father call his sons to wash the car and the mother say 'they are sleeping'?

Did they go to the farm overnight? Can't they wash the car and go back to sleep?

If sleep is so important to them, can't they wash it the night before?

And shouldn't a 20 year old help his father dress up for work? Polish his shoes, iron his clothes, help him co-ordinate his wears in the newest fashion?

Let's assume the man doesn't actively seek to bond with his kids (a lot of Nigerian fathers are guilty); can't the mother encourage it especially if they are not in an abusive marriage?

The mother should be the one pushing the kids to wash his car, polish his socks, iron his shirts, pick his tie etc. That way, they would bond and the father can pass nuggets to the sons.

The sons would also learn how to be responsible, co-ordinate/lead a family, note the father's mistakes to improve on etc.

If the OP was complaining about the sons not sitting with their father to watch CNN, I would ask if the father sowed the seed to reap such.

But disrespect on the mother's orders and with her backing? Na!

I agree with you that the woman’s role in this case is questionable. But the boy is 20. At that age he should be able to take decisions without being influenced by his mum. He should want to help the father, even if the Mother were against it.

Apparently the only strong influence they have in their life is their Mother.

My point is that such influences are formed at early stages in life. I don’t think the children, if they had a good bond with him in the beginning, would turn on him now.

Or do you also agree that the responsibility to raise and instill discipline in the kids lies entirely with the woman? How come when a child turns bad it’s somehow the woman’s fault? Where was the man to play his role too?

Growing up my Dad had a very busy Law practice, and my mum was a Teacher who was home almost all the time. But we also felt my Dad’s presence because whenever he could he would go through our books, help us with school work, visit us in school hostel e.t.c. He was busy, but also present.

I would say I also have the kind of job my dad had because I’m always traveling and closing from work very late. But should that be an an excuse for me not to get involved in my children’s life??

While I understand that in this case the woman is not acting properly, my point is that she is able to do that because the man neglected his duties as a Father when he had the opportunity.

Brandonx:
Wo marriage is overhyped Any marriage that want to collapse should collapse.
If he has money he should go on vacation to a developed country, sleep with women from different race and forget about those children and wife before they send him to his early grave all in the name of saving marriage.

I'm telling you f*ck the wife, f*ck the children. but before he gors he should make it known that this is what they did. Imagine me having a child of 20 years I can't ve proud of I can't say yes that's my Boy! that's f*cked up.

lovelybugs:


You're being very emotional about this.

First of, taking care of your children is not a sacrifice it is a responsibility.
He actually tried in putting them in a relatively expensive school and he should be commended because he didn't have to.

This issue on ground is something that will only get worse as those children get older

He needs to rectify it now.
Those boys are way to old to use force on.
So he needs to tackle the issue from another point.

As for the wife, I really don't see her as an issue.
Like I said, his children doesn't respect him and it's something he needs to fix. With time they would be the ones pestering him to help him do things and that comes from a place of love.

I honestly don't care if you don't feel the need to have a bond with your children. That is your choice.

K

letskeeptalking:


I agree with you that the woman’s role in this case is questionable. But the boy is 20. At that age he should be able to take decisions without being influenced by his mum. He should want to help the father, even if the Mother were against it.

Apparently the only strong influence they have in their life is their Mother.

My point is that such influences are formed at early stages in life. I don’t think the children, if they had a good bond with him in the beginning, would turn on him now.

Or do you also agree that the responsibility to raise and instill discipline in the kids lies entirely with the woman? How come when a child turns bad it’s somehow the woman’s fault? Where was the man to play his role too?

Growing up my Dad had a very busy Law practice, and my mum was a Teacher who was home almost all the time. But we also felt my Dad’s presence because whenever he could he would go through our books, help us with school work, visit us in school hostel e.t.c. He was busy, but also present.

I would say I also have the kind of job my dad had because I’m always traveling and closing from work very late. But should that be an an excuse for me not to get involved in my children’s life??

While I understand that in this case the woman is not acting properly, my point is that she is able to do that because the man neglected his duties as a Father when he had the opportunity.

In the post you quoted, I stated Nigerian fathers are guilty of not bonding with their kids. That should tell you my opinion on child training.

This is not a case of 'when the child goes bad, it is the mother's fault':

This is a case of 'the mother made the child bad'.

Let's assume the husband failed in bonding: should the mother leverage on that to turn the children against their father?

If the father were to have a job he works from home and stayed more with the kids, would it be ok for him to tell the sons to disrespect their mother because he bonded with them?

The father has/had his lapses; if the wife to leverage on that, it calls to question her motives.