Please I need your help or view point in this matter. Am I just over reacting at is this a red flag to which I need to run far away from?
My current boo asked me out for like one and half year, it was like it’s either me or no one else. His friends and bosses in his office had to speak to me to consider him as I might be missing a good man and how crazy he is about me.
I finally accepted.
I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him. I have stayed a year with him and it’s void of sex and kissing.
When I came he would say they should put on the gen anytime there was no light for me and all, he was sweet.
With time he started complaining that he was buying all the food in the house and I wasn’t contributing as much as he wants.
He eats about 5 times a day while I eat twice or one and half times (fruit, oat and pap) a day because me I am watching my weight.
He would complain the milk he bought had finished and all...and it was with some level of anger or bitterness about buying the food stuff.
Pls note that I consume 25% - 30% of all he eats.
I later started buying my milk to avoid issues since I knew that’s what I consume most (with my oat or pap) which makes one of my meal for the day but he was angry about me buying it separately but I did that because I felt there would be peace that way. I would still buy milk and keep and he can say I am using more than he is using inside the milk
He complained about repairs (light), complained about buying dstv subscription, nepa light payment etc. You just list any house thing he started complained about doing it.
I on my path do contribute the way I spent before I came to stay with him. (I wasn’t a huge spender as I eat very small food) and so my money use to remain which he used to borrow from me when we werent together.
We had a him 60k and me 40k arrangement for food fuel light etc but we never put it together and so each week I did ensure I spend 10k. But apparently he wasn’t seeing it. I would come from market and he would say what is all this, this is worth 5k. It use to hurt so much because I wld show him the list but he would still say this same thing. I have never asked him how much he bought things if he goes to market talk less if say it’s not up to a certain amount.
He said later that he can’t marry a woman who works and won’t contribute for light, food, repair, gen etc....
So even today we contributed for dstv 4700, I paid half and he paid half.
It looks sort of absurd and a no no to me
Yesterday he bought apples 800 naira and I paid half and he paid half....
And so that’s how the current life would be....
I contributed to the rent also but he said no... that he would “dash me” rent.
I see it upside down for a man to be saying he is paying rent and see it that he is dashing me. When I can pay my rent by myself. If I was living alone the same way he has been living alone, won’t I do my repair, dstv subscription etc without asking anybody? So why is it a big deal the moment I stepped in? This are things if my friend came to live with me to God who made me I would do/ take responsibility for because the dstv subscription I would have paid for before won’t change with your presence...the only thing that may change is water and food.
This is dating phase, please what marriage would become of this.
Am I the one at fault?
I need honest reviews so I can know if I am having problem and if I need to work on myself or if I need to run.
My parents marriage wasn’t like this my dad bought food and mum did other investments for the family or so and it was never an issue or was there a specific fight that you, you are not buying enough milk on the house or I can’t see d 10k food u said you just bought...it doesn’t look it etc.
He would also say me I want to be saving my money and all.
Pls what’s d way forward or backward married folks, married men and women, what am I not seeing that you can see?

It sounds like you have not got a mind of your own and do what his boss and his friends and now what Nairalanders will tell you to do, while you ignore the horrible future with this man that is being shown to you.

Open your eyes and see sweatheart.

www.nairaland.com/attachments/13175696_screenshot20210221220836_jpeg71e0f6071c3d8c3925ddc809fe8220ab

Let me wait for the elders who are married to come an give their own advice....marriage scares the hellaout me,but then how do I have legitimate kids��

He has seen how marriages would be and he doesn't like it. He has collected advise and he's applying it.
Then again, why move into his house? This thing dey make man see you finish. Weekend dey okay but move in for a year? The poor boy don dey feel am. Dey go your house.

1.Why must you move in with him when u are not yet married?
2.are u working?
if number 2 is yes.....see he don taya for you...
am even scared of marriage like this.

run!
i say run!

first mistake, bowing to pressure..follow ur instincts
Second mistake was moving in .
Let me be honest with you, he probably is cranky because he hasn't had sex with you. Whether he says it or not.
If ur unhappy now, kindly picture the marriage. Your will come when you leave this man.

I decided to move in with him after a while just to see what marriage to him would feel like with him.

Ijiji chiri ntị na-eso ozu la n’ili. Abomination turned culture.

Hatima:
first mistake, bowing to pressure..follow ur instincts
Second mistake was moving in .
Let me be honest with you, he probably is cranky because he hasn't had sex with you. Whether he says it or not.
If ur unhappy now, kindly picture the marriage. Your will come when you leave this man.

But we agreed till after marriage together.

You are really experiencing married life. Then again, I must commend his self control for one year without sex and kissing.Is he a virgin too?

Sister, carry your bag and go home.you don't taste marriage by going to live with someone permanently. Weekends visit at least is OK but going by your religious values you shouldn't be there at all.

If you keep tasting this way, you will never marry cos no one is perfect even you. We only choose the ones we can manage their imperfections.

You are sugarcoating Abuja marriage.

Deffjam:
1.Why must you move in with him when u are not yet married?

2.are u working?

if number 2 is yes.....see he don taya for you...

am even scared of marriage like this.

I can be scared of marriage too. I wanted to see what my experience would be with him. I knew I was strong like I can do without premarital sex so I won’t be tempted. Is it not because of sex they say don’t go to your man’s place. If it was just him coming to see me and leave, I would never get to see him or know him to this extent. I swear with my life. I would have a rude shock to what my upbringing was patterned as. I feel it’s necessary but we don’t preach it this way because a lot of people lack ability to say no to sex

Iamafinegirl:

But we agreed till after marriage together.

Sometimes, words don't mean much to be honest..some ppl will say anything to have thier way. if he truly loves u as he says, he won't treat you that way..yes there is nothing wrong with contributing but why make it seem as though he is doing you a favour?

Your boyfriend or what should I call him..... Isn't ready for marriage yet,because from all you explained he is mentally not mature enough for it.... And why did you move in before marriage....

1. Seems like your salary is more than his.
2. What kind of sharing formula are you both applying even university bf and gf won't act this way....
3. Run for your life...or You will go through heart pains in that union... Not heartbreak oooo but heart pain.....

LadySarah:
You are really experiencing married life. Then again, I must commend his self control for one year without sex and kissing. Tell me more

Sister, carry your bag and go home.Where are your parents that left you to be experiencing marriage without due process?

You are sugarcoating Abuja marriage.

An advice from a lady to another lady living with sb she is not married to.

and please you are not the problem, ppl like this will make you doubt yourself so much that you wouldn't recognize urself again.. pack and leave

LadySarah:
You are really experiencing married life. Then again, I must commend his self control for one year without sex and kissing. Tell me more

Sister, carry your bag and go home.Where are your parents that left you to be experiencing marriage without due process?

You are sugarcoating Abuja marriage.

When you are a virgin it’s really easy to not want sex. What you don’t know doesn’t hurt u.
I work in a seperate town from parents

chatinent:


An advice from a lady to another lady living with sb she is not married to.

If I didn’t live with him I would never have known him like this. He was so in love with me that he didn’t leave evn when I didn’t agree for one and half year. He would go get me pizza at night say 10pm if I wanted it and bring it to my house. He would wake me every morning to wake up for office etc. To be honest. I Don’t regret it Cus I didn’t sin.
It makes me so scared of dating or courtship the way the church wants us to do it rather. Afar... you never get to know the person. Isn’t it better I feel this pain before marriage or if I would, go into marriage knowing the full version of what I would expect ?

bugatti02:
Your boyfriend or what should I call him..... Isn't ready for marriage yet,because from all you explained he is mentally not mature enough for it.... And why did you move in before marriage....

1. Seems like your salary is more than his.
2. What kind of sharing formula are you both applying even university bf and gf won't act this way....
3. Run for your life...or You will go through heart pains in that union... Not heartbreak oooo but heart pain.....

Roughly same range

Iamafinegirl:


When you are a virgin it’s really easy to not want sex. What you don’t know doesn’t hurt u.
I work in a seperate town from parents

Go home. you haven't wronged him. He's sexually frustrated and will blame you for the current harmattan in February.You being there is like keeping a yam before a goat. Get the message. You have experienced what you came for.Go home and counterbalance and make your decision from there.

Obiara Ije nwe ula!

I think he's insecure or angry sexually, thus him taking it out on you by ranting about everything.
he may be thinking that he's feeding you, housing you and he's not tapping that ass.

or maybe he's just being a bitch.

my advice; get out of the relationship and his house.
life's too short to allow one pusssy ass nigga to be giving you headache.

Iamafinegirl:

If I didn’t live with him I would never have known him like this. He was so in love with me that he didn’t leave evn when I didn’t agree for one and half year. He would go get me pizza at night say 10pm if I wanted it and bring it to my house. He would wake me every morning to wake up for office etc. To be honest. I Don’t regret it Cus I didn’t sin.
It makes me so scared of dating or courtship the way the church wants us to do it rather. Afar... you never get to know the person. Isn’t it better I feel this pain before marriage or if I would, go into marriage knowing the full version of what I would expect ?

That man didn't love you to be honest. If he did or does you won't be here asking for advice. I think u underestimate how well people pretend.

LadySarah:


Go home. you haven't wronged him. He's sexually frustrated and will blame you for the current harmattan in February.You being there is like keeping a yam before a goat. Get the message. You have experienced what you came for.Go home and counterbalance and make your decision from there.

Obiara Ije nwe ula!

Same thing I said..he wants sex.

I didn't finish your write up but I'll advise you take your decision now or regret it later.

Hatima:
That man didn't love you to be honest. If he did or does you won't be here asking for advice. I think u underestimate how well people pretend.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

LadySarah:


Go home. you haven't wronged him. He's sexually frustrated and will blame you for the current harmattan in February.You being there is like keeping a yam before a goat. Get the message. You have experienced what you came for.Go home and counterbalance and make your decision from there.

Obiara Ije nwe ula!

Home it is !!!!!!!!!
Infact his boss asked why we hadn’t married and he said I was the one delaying it for now as he was hoping last year ending.
Why won’t I delay it.
I stopped thinking properly at a point and felt this is normal and I am properly stupid and it’s like I needed to talk to people to be sure of what is proper or how to be properly treated.

but how come you didn't give him sex? Your type is scarce, Are you living in flat or wing building?

Tohsynetita1:
but how come you didn't give him sex? Your type is scarce, Are you living in flat or wing building?

Because we not yet married. The only reason why nothing more. Of what benefit shall d sex be ? How many minutes?
More important things to worry abt
Sex Dt forever wld b there to do
4 houses in a compound

Oh yes he went to ask for my hand in marriage November last year and parents replied that they would need to pray first. I haven’t shared all this with them yet

@Op; to love someone is a beautiful thing. When one is in a relationship that they think would lead to marriage, there are certain factors you need to consider before taking the “I DO” step. The factors are; Love, Compatibility, Respect and Friendship. From your write-up, I don't seem to sense the abundance of the factors I have mentioned in this your relationship. Money seems to be a major factor causing a lot of fracas for both of you and not knowing how to split who buys what and how much should be contributed by either of you.

During courtship is a time to decide whether you can tolerate your partners' attitude or not. If you know that you can’t endure a particular attitude(s) during courtship, then address it there and then as it has a tendency to probably get worse when you marry. You have complained in your write-up about a lot of things and I don't envisage them changing (I may be right or wrong) as quickly as you may want them to change or even at all.

Now let me give you some quotes below to ponder over when you are at the courtship stage of a relationship; here we go;

When a relationship becomes one you are enduring; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a violet one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship becomes a selfish one; it’s time to walk away

When a relationship makes you unhappy; it’s time to walk away

When you become afraid of your partner in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

When in a relationship and the apologies comes from only one side; it’s time to walk away

When you walk on egg-shells in a relationship; it’s time to walk away

Note my words above and be sure to be married to someone who you see as one you can spend the rest of your life with in happiness, love and unity. We are not perfect but we can still make adjustments in our attitude(s) towards ourselves.

It would be in your best interest to TO AVOID PROLONGING THIS MATTER ANY LONGER as you are a woman whose biological clock is ticking and if you honestly would not be able to look beyond the “PROBLEM AREAS” you have outlined (there were a lot of them) in your write-up; PLEASE FREE HIM AND FREE YOURSELF AS YOU ARE CURRENTLY HAVING THESE NAGGING DOUBTS/ISSUE(S) THAT YOU CAN’T OVERLOOK.

Take note,

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them or you to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond and best believe challenges would arise (in your case, you are not even married yet and all these negative vibes are already present in your courtship) but the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

On a final note, the decision is yours entirely whether to carry on with him or let him be as only you wear the shoes and only you know where it pinches; hence, no one else can decide for you whether you’ll carry on with the courtship or call it quits. Owing to the fact that you are not happy with all the flaws you have listed in your write-up, you're better off taking your time to find the right man at the initial stage to avoid stories that touch that will make you cry over spilled milk (with the saying had I known) if it all goes down south. All the best.

I rest my case

PS: I really can't understand why you are living with a man you are not yet married to? Have some self-respect for yourself and move out to your own place. Take this as a learning curve that you start living with a man ONLY when you are married to him.

No. 1 - Go home ASAP
No 2 - If it is as you say please leave the relationship. Don't marry him oo.

Space 6

Madam if nobody here wants to tell you the truth, then I DaddyRochie will Tell you the Bitter Truth.


From your Story up there, you are displaying the typical Nigerian woman Selfishness and I say this without Remorse.... Even if that man eats Five times a day and you eat twice a day, the mistake you made from the beginning is to wait for the man to complain first before you start contributing to food stuffs,

I read in your story where you said you and him contributed half of the money to pay for the DStv subscription and you said you find it absurd..Didnt your mother tell you that marriage is all about Team-Work.. don't you know genuine team work from the parties involved moves a team forward.

Let me tell you a Secret, anytime you hear a woman say "I'm Fighting for my Marriage or I Will Fight For my Marriage",... believe me, that woman made that Statement because she invested alot of effort into that marriage, thats why she won't let that marriage crumble just like that without a Fight.


Lastly, why do I have this feeling that you just moved in with that man out of Pity,

I put it to you that you have no feelings for that man.. you moved in with that man with this mentality of
"I Deserve to be taken care of and he is supposed to move heaven and Earth to take care of Me".... Better discard that Foolish mentality in your Head and Contribute positively to that man's Life, give that man peace of mind, support that man, you don't need to wait for him to start lamenting.

I know you have no feelings for that man, and you're with him out of Pity, stop Deceiving yourself and that man and do the needful.

A smart woman will never see anything wrong in equal contribution in order to move a home forward that she will still enjoy the Lion Share in the Long Run.

Simply put, I can tell you without Remorse that you're not Mentally ready for Marriage..go and meet your mother to educate you more on marriage.