REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE
DIRECTOR/CEO.

DEAR SIR,

I AM VERY GLAD TO WRITE YOU THIS MAIL,
HAVING BEEN INTIMATED WITH YOUR CONTACT BY THE
COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR, LAGOS CHAMBER OF COMMERCE IN
NIGERIA WHOM I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR. BY THIS
INTRODUCTION, I HAVE EVERY BELIEF THAT I CAN GAIN
EVERY CONFIDENCE I REQUIRE IN THIS TRANSACTION TO
CARRY ON WITH YOU.
LET ME FIRST START BY INTRODUCING MYSELF TO YOU. MY
NAME IS (DR, AHMED DOMIC). I AM THE GENERAL
MANAGER,CUSTOMER SERVICES, UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA PLC
(U.B.A), ILUPEJU BRANCH, LAGOS NIGERIA. WHEN I WAS
JUST NEWLY PROMOTED IN FEBRUARY, 1999, I HAPPENED TO
ACCOUNT THE BALANCES OF ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS WHO LATER
DIED AS A RESULT OF LIVER PROBLEMS. HIS NAME WAS
MR.FREDREICH KLUG, A GERMAN CONTRACTOR WITH FEDERAL
MINISTRY OF WORKS AND HOUSING IN THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA. HE WAS SUCH A NICE MAN BUT,
INCIDENTALLY UPTIL THIS DATE THERE HAS NOT BEEN ANY
BODY TO COME AS HIS NEXT OF KIN TO CLAIM HIS ACCOUNT
CREDIT DESPITE OUR EFFORT TO REACH ANY RELATIONS OF
HIS. THEREFORE AS A RESULT, I HAVE CONSULTED WITH TWO
OTHER COLLEAGUES OF MINE TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE SO
THAT YOU CAN PUT IN CLAIMS REQUISITION AS THE NEXT OF
KIN TO INHERIT THE ACCOUNT OF MR. KLUG. I SHALL SUPPLY
YOU WITH EVERY DETAILS OF THE INFORMATION REQUIRED TO
CLAIM THIS MONEY WHICH STANDS AT USD .5MILLION AS AT THE LAST
ACCOUNT ENDED 12 MARCH,2002. MY
COLLEAGUES AND I HAVE AGREED TO COMPENSATE YOU FOR
YOUR ASSISTANCE BY OFFERING A TOTAL OF 25% TO YOU FOR
YOUR ASSISTANCE TO CLAIM THIS MONEY FOR US IN YOUR
NAME, AS YOU WILL BE MADE THE BENEFICIARY TO THIS
FUNDS.PLEASE, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THIS TRANSACTION
SECRET AS WE HAVE PERFECTED EVERY PLANS TO ENSURE THAT
THIS MONEY IS PAIDI MMEDIATELY THERE IS AN INTEREST
FROM YOU TO CLAIM THIS MONEY FOR US.

BEST REGARDS,
DR, AHMED DOMIC

REMEMBER TO SEND YOUR PRIVATE TEL/FAX NUMBERS SO THAT
WE CAN OFFICIALLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOU ON THESE LINES.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

nice one diidy but are you sure u r not the person that is lookin 4 d expirey date of ur marriage certificate

WHO IS DOUBTING THAT ARSENAL IS NOT GOING TO CARRY DIS YEAR CHAMPIONS LEAGUE,
ANY THING WEY WHONA LIKE MAKE UH NA DO ARSENAL MUST CARRY HAM CUZ I KNOW SAY BLACK BELEDEY PLENTY  like chelsea they no want see our progress

its not a joke am serious

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know,
and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know.
Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know
they don't know. And they become unit managers!

Pervert Psychiatrist
This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.

"A naked woman on a bed."

"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.

"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning
signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers
about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any
alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you
to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off
and wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to assault you.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause
you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create
the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and
smarter than some really, really big guy named
Psycho Bob.

My breasts are really quite small
One can hardly see them at all.
Many a prayer passed my lips,
But God thought I said hips,
Now my arse is the size of a mall.

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.
Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a
man and a woman lying in the centre of the road, making wild and
passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times
as he was bearing down on them. He realised that they were not going to
stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just
inches from them. Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the
front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled,
"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the
horn? You could have been killed!" Eventually, the man looked up at
the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look,
I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one
with brakes, "

A lady made several attempts to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer
because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She
discussed her problem with a friend that she
worked with at a bar.

The friend suggested, 'There may be a chance to
sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.'

'That doesn't matter at all,' replied the lady.
'All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.'

'Alright,' replied the her friend. In a quiet voice, she
told the lady: 'Here is the address of a friend of
mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell
him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back
on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be
a problem to sell your car.'

The following weekend, the lady took a trip to the
mechanic on her friend's advice.

About one month after that, the friend saw the lady
and asked, 'Did you sell your car?'

'No!' replied the lady. 'Why should I? It only has
40,000 miles on it.'




Here is the joke: Silly Lady



Category: African American Jokes

A lady made several attempts to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer
because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She
discussed her problem with a friend that she
worked with at a bar.

The friend suggested, 'There may be a chance to
sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.'

'That doesn't matter at all,' replied the lady.
'All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.'

'Alright,' replied the her friend. In a quiet voice, she
told the lady: 'Here is the address of a friend of
mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell
him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back
on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be
a problem to sell your car.'

The following weekend, the lady took a trip to the
mechanic on her friend's advice.

About one month after that, the friend saw the lady
and asked, 'Did you sell your car?'

'No!' replied the lady. 'Why should I? It only has
40,000 miles on it.'

“Do you know, what day it is?”
“Nope”, said my beau. “What's today?”
“Well! If you can't remember”, I cried
“I'm not gonna say.
Well aren't you gonna ask me?”
I insisted with a few tears.
“Alright”, he said, ”you're fifty today,
and you have been for three or four years”.

That wasn't what I wanted to hear.
Just a few, simple birthday wishes,
a romantic night, a bottle of wine
and someone to do the dishes.
Instead, like a mature plucked Cinderella
with mascara blurred, eyes
my Prince Charming declares he's swapping
my fifty for two twenty fives.

He'll have a problem handling two;
his belly hangs below his belt.
He said my boobs were no better
like saddle bags, last time he felt.
See, they fall underneath me arms.
He knelt on 'em once and they spread.
Reckoned he was leaning forward
to switch on the light overhead.

He can't do things, like he used to
gets short winded and very abrupt.
When we were young, he worked all night
now he's all night, working it up.
Mind you, I don't give him a lot of help
like I did when I was young.
The elasticity has left my vital parts
you could say, spring has sprung.

We try to get together,
was recommended a book called "Fore Play"
wasn't a crossword or card game in it,
and the pictures were worn away.
I looked at myself in the mirror
perhaps the problem lies with me.
Surely the body doesn't fall apart,
, life begins at fifty.

I need to recharge by batteries,
get rid of my facial hair,
buy new underwire bras,
make 'em look like a pair.
My beau used a whipper snipper on my face,
“I'll trim it”, he said, ”it won't pull”.
So I laid on the floor with his foot on my neck,
it started, then ran out of fuel.
Just as well, it went berserk,
desexed our neighbour’s cat.
I said, ”Whatever you do, don't mention it,
when you give 'em the snipper back.”

I've been going to the gym lately,
I wear the correct gear,
you know, leotards with that skinny strap
on the strategic part of your rear.
No-one told me to wear tights as well
as I sat on the rowing machine.
Imagine how I felt, when a man pulled it out,
thank goodness it came out clean.
I'm preparing my body and keeping fit,
you know age is a state of mind too,
don't ask me what state I'm in,
let's just say, ’Thirty Two.’

The dating game is a difficult one, it's been ten years for me,
But tonight's the night for me to express my femininity.

I'll start gettin' ready early, there's so much to be done
To prepare myself for this wondrous event, so in union we will be one.

I'll make a list, that's what I'll do, the preparation a must,
Wash me hair, shave me chin; Oh, I'm just fillin' with lust.

I'll wax me legs and trim me Arrow, an' plait me underarms too.
This date's a first but I'm sure to impress, yes he's the one that I'll woo.

Now for the big decision, will I wear knickers or not,
Will he see me as ice maiden cool or think I'm luscious and hot?

I'd better pamper me pussy so she'll purr right through the night
And I think I'll prop me boobs up, a cleavage would look a sight.

Yes, me bright red bra with the underwire, it's sure to make him swell
Me in me sexy underwear will send him straight to hell.

Gee wizzies I'm so nervous, me stomach's tied in knots
Me bowels are fairly churnin', I hope I don't get the trots.

I wonder what he'll look like, maybe a cowboy, rough but smart
Big ears, big nose and big riding boots, cause' I'm just a cowgirl at heart.

We could pretend we're at the rodeo riding them wild beasts,
Then we could have midnight snack, body chocolate a sumptuous feast.

Well, I know you fellas are disgruntled that it's not gonna be one of you
But if you want to win one like me, here's what you gotta do…

Whisper sweet nothin's in her ear, a little romance to bait her
But there's a time and place for everything so leave the tongue 'till later.

Cuddle and caress her for she's a goddess to be sure
And she'll grab you by the family jewels and lock the bloody door.

But in the meantime, it's now my turn, this one is just for me,
'Cause tonight's the night for me to express my femininity.

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (Boniface) welcoming you on board of smartshotz Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the south. If luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

smartshotz Airways has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It is with great pleasure; I announce that since starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!

To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Al Barka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this plane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seatbelt. For those of you who can’t find a seatbelt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat …and for those of you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."

Enjoy smartshotz Airways

A truck driver is driving through a little town in Georgia wit a truck load of bowling balls. In this town there is 2 state troupers who hate truck drivers with a passion. The truck driver sees the two and turns off at the next exit. He sees a little black boy on a bike hitch hicking he picks up the little boy but tells him, "you cant ride up here but you can ride in the back. So he put's the little black boy and his bike in the back and get's back on the interstate. the two state cops see him again and pull him over they start giving him hell just looking for something to write him up for. They can't find anything so they are about to let him go then one says to the other, "We forgot to check the back." So one goes to the back opens the doors, slams them back comes up to the truck driver. The cop is whiter than a ghost and scared as hell, and says "Get the hell out of my town, get the hell out of my county, get the hell out of my state and don't ever come back." So the truck driver leaves. when they get back into the car one looks at the other and says "what the hell did you see back there?" the other says, "That guy was carring a truck load of black babys and one had already hatched and stolen a bike". [b][/b]

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
----------------------------
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
----------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
----------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
----------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
----------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman
comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A
premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've
just come in my pants."
----------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
----------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
----------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
----------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's not
unusual, "
----------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I
don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
----------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
----------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive."
----------------------------
Answer phone message
", If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key, "
----------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
----------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
----------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff , boom boom!
----------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.
----------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
----------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, you're right" ,
"the steaks are too high."
----------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
----------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I
know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
----------------------------
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week , and pulled a
mussel.
----------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
----------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the doc. "It's , um , well , I have five joysticks." replies the
man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a
glove."
----------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

THERE IS A PROMTION THAT IS GOING ON IN HEAVEN,
DIE NOW AND GET ENTERNITY WITHOUT JUDGEMENT OFFER LAST TILL 24 DEC 2006
HURRY NOW WHY WHHILE STOCK LAST[[/b]color=#990000][/color]