sage1000:
CHAPTER ONE


The sun rose in the west.

It was a beautiful sight to behold, the colors and hues providing a most splendid vision of beauty and yet it was another perversion on the natural order of things caused by the Red Night. Yet and perhaps because of this the sunrise was one of the few things left that he enjoyed. There was something about the world rising up to fight for yet another day in spite of all hardships and injuries suffered that common sense would have dictated for it to have given up a long time ago. He could do no less, so everyday waking up at the crack of dawn he would make his way down to this secluded area of the park sitting on his favorite stone bench by the pond and wait to watch the sun, ever majestic in its presence rise.

The Butterwings dancing as they floated on top of the pond, the rays from the sun refracted around them into beautiful prismatic colors, the birds singing in angelic tunes as they thanked Olodumare for yet another day, the smell of the beautiful flowers filling his nostrils with such beautiful scent. This spot was truly a slice of heaven in this hell that is earth.

The tranquility of his morning musing is disrupted when someone enters into the park, his bodyguards hidden in discrete locations around the park tensing up at the feel of his presence. Waving his hands he signals them to stand down, it IS a friend.
Kunle Odeolu HAD certainly aged well; gone was the scrawny kid with vengeance IN his eyes OVER the loss of his family during the Red night and IN his place stood a powerfully built man - leader of men and perhaps most important to him, a family to call his own - a family that WAS the cause of the visit. He stood just a shade shorter than him at 6’4, his body a deceptively lanky frame honed into a killing machine by experience as much as it was training and his ase a gentle wave flowing all around him.

He made his way to him, standing behind his bench like a ceremonial guard. The image WAS however ruined when he OPENED his mouth.
“7 guards, Afolabi? And just for a visit to the park? Are you growing senile in your dotage? This is paranoid even for you!”

I smile, there are very few people that COULD talk to me like that THESE days; most preferring to kiss the ground I walk on or otherwise stay out of my way even those that knew me before. It takes a kind of person to talk like that to the Are-Ona Kakanfo.

“Hmmm, you should take that up with Moremi,” I say.

He grimaces “No never mind, it is perfectly natural.” He too knows the viciousness of Moremi and her over protective spirit is not something to be TRIFLED with.

“Sit down old friend, I rarely have time to enjoy your company.” I gesture to the space beside me on the bench. I wait for him to sit down.

Together we enjoy the vanishingly rare moment of peace of quiet.

The spell is broken AGAIN when he speaks.

“It has begun. She took the bait in the forest.” He hides it well but the pain and bitterness he feels is still present in his voice.

“Good. THEN, perhaps this plan would succeed.”

“I have resigned and I expect most would blame it on my honor or distraught over the incident or something foolish like that.”

“So I take it everything is in place then.” I ask, the question mostly rhetorical as I know the man sitting beside me is one of the most efficient MEN in the world.

“Yes, The Sango Initiative was easier than expected, other pieces should begin to fall into place. Hope you are ready to handle the fallout when the Consul gets wind of what we are attempting here?”

My face turns into a frown as I think of those spineless cowards led by that lazy idiot Alfred Beaucourt. I say as much.

“The Consul is riddled with incompetents and cowards who are too scared of their own shadows to take the decisive steps needed, rest assured
I have a contingency plan to deal with them if they become a problem.” I can see the curiosity as to my contingency on his face but he is wise enough to know he shouldn’t ask.

“And what ABOUT the message from our Isreali Allies? Ben-Judah reported that Texas has entered into a worrying alliance with the Naaglooshi clans. Her president, Margaret Underwood SIGNED a blood pact with them. We might be looking at another war on that continent as I doubt The Consul would take such a major breach of the accord lying like that, this could easily devolve into another war on the continent with us expected to fight alongside the members of the consul at a time when we need all our forces on ground here.”

“It would be a cause for concern, it is something that has been on our radar for a while now. The mad woman could not have picked a worse time than this. We will have to trust in the Baron of Greater Chicagoland and his allies to contain the situation long enough for us to complete our plan. At that point it would no longer be relevant.”

“You don’t like leaving our fate in the hands of others like this” he says sharply then stares at my face and the smile there. “..ah the Ogboni”
We keep quiet again, enjoying our companionable silence before I break it this time

“Your son, h-“

I am cut off by a wave of his hands. His voice steady but the pain present to no one except those that know him well.

“There is nothing I can do for him now, He HAS to survive on his own.”

Our silence turning into one of regret.

When I say present continous, thats what I meant.

Hmm. Okay. Me thinks His mother initiated the Red night thing{which is why the elders and co are upset with her}, was killed in it and in Segun's bid to get out of his predicament with the Kplelekpe snr, he released her from "sleep."
Anywho, Im hooked. However...

EHEN!!!! NA now I understand wetin you dey talk since!
Honestly, this info should be in the Prologue too o. Infact, na this gist suppose be the main the main Prologue.

Meanwhile, lemme get a breather in the office, Ill show you something.
Ride on!!

Chai. Sage, I dey come for you.

Alright. Bravo! I must say, you do have a story to tell. And I don't mean that lightly. I've seen a lot of people take pen to paper, having nothing worthwhile to write about. You do not fall in that category.

You got the pace right. For your first and second fight scenes, the timing and pacing were impressive. However, I feel you should have stretched some more the entry of the Hunters et al, painted further a vivid description of each of the groups...You know, with fiction esp the supernatural, one cannot overemphasize the power of imagery. Your readers will see through your eyes, so details are very important. I understand that ur in a hurry to finish the prologue, but Still.....
Then, the introduction of some of the characters were too abrupt, almost non existent kpakpa. Oyabi is a case in point.

I like the way you impregnate suspense when concluding your updates. You leave the reader thirsting for more. That's a gift of storytelling. WEldone.

Nontheless, I think it time we addressed your tensal errors. You'll have to pick one; present Or past tense. And stick to it. There can be no changes/switches at all during the narration. I'd recommend the Present Tense, (present continuous) you seem to flow better with it.
Finally, there were very little punctuations! Wetin happen Na?? No commas, fullstops etc. Choi!

You're off to a good start; your story piques my interest. Please continue.

sage1000:


Thanks, you don't know how much I appreciate this. Your criticisms about grammar is something I've been conflicted about and I think it shows. The story is supposed to be set in the modern times but right now the characters are in a primal forest where time and human understanding of the universe have no place and I think this contributes to the disjointedness appearing in the story. The parts referring to bookworm and distance in modern terms are supposed to show the character is from modern times but I think I can make that clearer when editing.

Okay, this is easy. Use a distinct writing style for when they are in the forest. ONLY switch to modern expressions when they are in contemporary time. For further clarity, you can choose to write one Setting in itallics while the other remains in regular fonts.

sage1000:

As for tenses, this has been my biggest problem writing as I tend to switch to whatever feels best in the middle of writing, sometimes unconsciously. This is one of the bad habits I'm trying to break by writing this so I'd really appreciate if for future parts you can help point out where I change tenses.

Next part should be up this evening

*smiles* no p.

Really nice. But timing and verse inconsistent.

Sage, I hail. Your imagination reminds me of another writer of Yoruba legends, my brother, Red.

Though there are a few inconsistencies in tense, my biggest grouse will be with your writing style Or Use of language. There is a particular style associated with the narration of legends - a sort of loftiness of words, a superiority of grammar.. I don't see a lot of that here, or perhaps, I should say its disjointed. For the parts where you write about Seguns lineage or history, you employ a bit of that style but when talking about his present, you switch to frivolous language. The effect is that I cant determine in what time setting this is taking place. Is it in our modern era, where we have books that the "bookworm Sade" can read? Or another time altogether?
The Setting of your work should be clearly understood from the first 100 words you write.

Also, i think it'll improve the reality of your dialogues if you spice it with a few Yoruba phrases.

Forgive the long missive. Im excited about this and you can bet that Ill be following closely.

Weldone.

Shwepps?? Larry brought his brother to nairaland o. Lol.
Following. But I intend to sweeten the fun by pointing out a few things...with ya permission, Sir?

We Thank God for our sponsors.

Lol. What an accusation.
Dearie, haven't you heard of the plagiarists on the loose? My intellectual properties are of value to me o.

Ruffhandu, please resend ur details. There's something wrong with the acct number please.

Na xo. God bless our sponsors. Meanwhile, the others, please wait. This week seems to be effing hectic....but God dey.

Lol. Yes o. You can bet on that. It's gonna be tougher than this.

Aww..*hugs* adjain.

Chrisviral, I'm looking for a bottle with your name on it, don't worry, ill send it by courier.

Simonhabby, Enjoy it.