Happyguy201:
my brother just buy a HD spy camera which is usually very small install them in your house and monitor your wifes moves it can also capture voice so when your not around and shes answering calls you can hear it clearly and see who she brings in the house when your not home . it saved me from my cheating ex . goodluck sir

Thank you sir.

Here is the point, she lived alone, whenever am around and her phone rings, she won't be free to pick it, and she may even ignore the calls. My question for her is, is this how they call her when am not home? What business does she have with these so called friends...

To be very honest, ever since I returned back finally, the whole thing is gradually fazing out, but it hurt to even have the knowledge of such, do you understand me? Not that she has lost her senses completely. For instance, let's assume we sleeping around 12:30am and her phone rings, she won't pick it for real, but if I ask her, she may just tell me she is sorry, that the person is her old school mate, and i will ask if that is how they have been talking even at odd hours when am not around.

Not that she pick her calls and talk freely in my presence, if she does that, I won't come here talking, I would have married 5th wife by now. lol

henry4lov1:
Pls bros I will like to talk to u privately,

Sure we can.

midnighter:


You're welcome, unfortunately you were away due to the nature of the job but at least it afforded you all that you have today so it was a profitable venture even though you sacrificed much.

Now that you will be spending more time at home it is a crucial time for you guys to build yourselves and your relationship; almost like a second courtship, so be sure to make the most of it.

Not that you have to force affection or overdo things but make a conscious effort to understand each other and forge a stronger bond.

From all you have written here you sound like a very reasonable and well-mannered fellow, I am sure you people will be fine as long as you keep an open mind towards each other.

Permit me to say that you are changing our perceptions of military men who knew one of you could sound like this lol

Soldiers are the finest you can get out there... Very cool gentlemen. lol

Thank you for your time.

dview001:
if your wife still receive calls from different guys,I can categorically and empirically tell you that she's cheating..if a girl is in a serious relationship with you (as in you're her main guy) she will never pick unnecessary calls in your presence, infact most times she won't insert her hotline whenever she comes visiting you. If a girlfriend can be that cautious how much more a wife?.Please understand that her heart is no longer with you..pele take heart

Here is the point, she lived alone, whenever am around and her phone rings, she won't be free to pick it, and she may even ignore the calls. My question for her is, is this how they call her when am not home? What business does she have with these so called friends...

To be very honest, ever since I returned back finally, the whole thing is gradually fazing out, but it hurt to even have the knowledge of such, do you understand me? Not that she has lost her senses completely. For instance, let's assume we sleeping around 12:30am and her phone rings, she won't pick it for real, but if I ask her, she may just tell me she is sorry, that the person is her old school mate, and i will ask if that is how they have been talking even at odd hours when am not around.

Not that she pick her calls and talk freely in my presence, if she does that, I won't come here talking, I would have married 5th wife by now. lol

midnighter:


Okay, I think I get her better now. She craves attention and affection due to the petting and nurturing she missed out on as a child.

However, if you have told her that you don't like certain behaviours and she still continues then that can't be blamed on childhood trauma. It's simply self-centeredness because you're not the one who caused that past misfortune and she shouldn't take it out on you. She should adjust.

The one that's concerning me is taking calls from different guys at all hours of the night, I'm sorry but if she doesn't stop that then you should report her to an elder she respects and let her explain to them who exactly she is talking to by that time. She can't continue like that, it's not right.

As for her secretive nature, though it hurts your feelings I feel that you will keep reminding her to communicate with you and let you in. She has had to grow a thick skin because of her family situation and it will take time for her to let down her barriers. Though, after 10 years of marriage I think that you should show your anger a bit more strongly so that she can see how seriously you take it.

When it comes to money, to be honest it's normal for some women to hide money somewhere in case of emergency. I can't really blame her for that because to be honest, you can be caught short at anytime with nobody to help. But I understand that you find it offensive.

Bear in mind that you are both flawed creatures and you married each other's imperfections and weak points, the worst of your characters and not just all the nice stuff.

You can grow together and heal each others wounds, as far as you are both open to correction and adjustment.

So to your earlier post I don't think you should be thinking of divorcing her over these issues although she does need a very good talking to.

Thank you so much for you deep thoughts, we could have grown beyond this point in our marriage, but due to my job, we rarely spend time together, to be honest I spend 21 working days leave a year with my family throughout my service in the military, and some rare cases, I had come home for just a week or so.

But now that I left the job, I hope we would be able to get to learn ourselves better and possibly be able to work it out.

Once again, thanks for your nice words.

Samyj247:
. e get one proverb weh say..u can fool all of the people all of the time but u can't fool some of the people all of the time. how can a wife be receiving calls at odd hrs even after knowing that the man doesn't like it. That wife must be very sweet...let me just pause here, I don't want to split much. I don't want to go into conclusion, that's why I said Zion should investigate his wife. na u Chinwez make me talk too much.

Ok ooo

chii8:
Marriage brings two different being under one roof,I think the bottom line in all this is for you to have a heart to heart talk with her,sternly talk to her about her attitude you're not comfortable with, tell her also how those attitudes can destroy your Union if she doesn't retrace her step...if she loves you, she will adjust,to have a sweet and peaceful marriage, sacrifice must be made, she need to understand that



Although, she might not be cheating, it could be just her personality, I as a person, don't mingle at all,sometimes I used to wonder how my husband noticed me,before we married (10yrs back),I'm an in-house person,as big as I am,my friends are not more than two plus my husband three,I don't even call them self,I do all the gist with my husband and nairalanders,I see people at times as intruders, but that's my person, I have tried changing but at times, it's difficult and tasking. So if your wife is the opposite of my character, she has a lot of work to do and you need to make her understand how bad her behavior is affecting you.

Thank you Ma.

midnighter:
You are a very nice guy oo..ha!

She had better stop that rubbish, that's all I gat to say because I don't know how she's not ashamed of herself

Being an extrovert has nothing to do with it, she is self-centred and irresponsible.

How can she refuse to learn the business yet tell you she is bored? Bored of what exactly?

Ha! I don't know

Self centeredness is a right word I think, though she comes from a broken family, she lost her mother at very young age, have deep resentment towards her step mother till date, she had literally lived all by herself even while living in her father's house.

This idea of working together as a team is alien to her, there are some things she does and never told me, like doing monthly contribution or keeping cash with someone to keep for her, and she won't let me know, while am so open to her, because that's how I grew up, my mom n dad work as a team.

I sometimes tell her to carry me along whatever she does so that I can be in the picture. I buy everything with our names, our cars, house, land, everything carries my name and hers, even we both signatories to our bank accounts. Despite I do the work, while she handle home front and recently start managing a nursery and primary school we setup.

Seems her upbringing caused irreparable damages to her mindset. Now am facing it.

Saintmary:

Have you considered vacation. Probably week long, could be fun. Since she's bored.

Once I fix things, I may consider that option. Thanks.

chinwezdasilva:
You should also ask yourself these questions. You had colleagues both in school and in military both men and women do they call you as often as her said colleagues calls her. If no then the handwriting is on the wall.. Because I can call my fiancee often but I can't be calling me old school mates often even my bestfriend.. That doesn't mean we don't communicate

Like I said before, am a very conservative person, I don't call anybody and nobody calls me, except from my parents and siblings, and official calls.

I have a very small circle, and i keep it like it.

NobleDeSage001:
If flirting with other women will reset her brain, then sustain it. You did it and it worked but then apply wisdom.
Her attitude is as a result of your far distance from her. She will need time to unlearn what she learned while you were not at home. A habit learned is usually difficult to drop.
Talk to her about the damage she is causing in your marriage with her attitude (disrespect, insensitivity). Keep sounding it into her ears until you notice a positive result.
You need to be patient with her with the hope that she will change. Both of you need to clearly understand each other's likes and dislikes as well as tolerance threshold.
Good luck to you two.

Thank you.

Bola146:


Okay ooo, I wish you best of luck...

Thank you

chinwezdasilva:
Carry the kids go DNA first if they are truly yours, sit her down jajely tell am as you dey feel if she no Wan calm down... No even think of to involve family involve the court for divorce.. A man doesn't need sex alone he also needs peace of mind

Thank you sir.

Bola146:


Let me tell you, money is not everything in marriage.. some ladies are just so social.. they want closeness, intimacy. Their husbands must know them very well before getting married to them.

It had never been about money, I told you I never had anything when I met her, my early marriage made me more focused, God have been gracious to us, he has been providing for us and making live better than when we started.

Bola146:
I think she is always bored because of the nature of your job. All you need is patience, sit her down and explain all these to her

That may be true, just so sad she display act of disloyalty, and it attracts serious consequences you know... smiles.


Anyway, I pray for the best.

JERRY1925:
Truth is.. You can't handle this issue being calm.
U a man.. Show her you know how to flirt better.
And if u know u will feel sad about flirting too... Get some female friends to help you..
Some girls feels they are always right..with their decisions. If she actually have not fallen for anyone now.. She will soon, she just not met her kind of man online. So it's best you tackle it now.
And the only way is putting your marriage in line too by doing what she does.
And if she values the marriage she will come begging.
Infact when she's ready for sex, don't be ready, be on facebook or whatsapp laughing For no reason...she will be sad..but she will come back to her senses.
U a military man... But too emotional.
Once you don't like something in someone and you can't walk away.. You have to do everything you can to make that person see reasons why it must stop. If not u go just die early.
She have no justification for doing what she does, not even bordom.

Thanks for the advice, truly appreciated.

MedicH:


I totally support you on this. This woman as far as I have read from you is not a helper. A lot of women today out of their own laziness and worthlessness so much emphasize that there primary role in a home is as a helpmate but majority also fail in that role. You bring in all the money at home and she doesn't know how to manage it and she is not willing to learn me personally I won't take that.


Now she's addicted to the social media and wants to meet people and talk about inconsequentials and irrelevant things and of course you and I know the risks involved with that. The time she spends on social media can be used to learn a lot of things that can equip her to be useful and truly a help mate. Me won't take that too.


I do tell people especially guys that when you get married to a woman I didn't meet in ur university days,/those formative stages of your life, there are strong possibilities of that marriage not working out well. I spent a lot of years in the uni, as much as 8 years and each time I had one girl friend and not more. The thing is by the time u spent those formative stages of your life with a woman and you learn about her while she learns about u as u both continue to take in a lot of conceptions about life, internalise some and discard some, a lot of intricate characteristics and attitudes will be laid bare.

I won't advice you to get a divorce if your union has produced kids already because of the psychological effects. In that case, you need to school that woman to curtail her excesses. Put her into perspective the way you want or try to figure out her passion in constructive/productive spheres and help her achieve it. If she has none, it's a disaster.

Thank you sir.

nuelyoyo:
@Zionmyworld, Run a DNA test on all your children. Since you doubt her loyalty but haven't caught her red handed, I will advice you to hack her phone. Since you were in the military, you should have ways to go about the hacking, you should also have friends in the DSS that can help you. You also mentioned that you are computer geek, so you should know ways to get info remotely from your wife's phone. Once there is distrust, your mind will not know peace until you do your research and know the truth.

When you see my kids, you don't need a DNA test to tell you am their father.

All my kids look exactly like me, none look like my wife.

They all have my physical resemblance that sometimes make me baffle at God's awesomeness. Well, hacking into her phone is not a big issue for me, but I really don't want to get to that extent... I doesn't have to go through all the stress to keep a marriage.


Like a said before, she's an extreme extrovert, she get carried away with pettiness, she want to reconnect to everybody she had known, you know, people you have lost contact with for long, she suddenly bump into them, and wanna bring them close, this is dangerous to us, and flirting with random guys could be very dangerous too for me.

She isn't security conscious at all, she meet and trust people within seconds, flow with them as if she had known them for ages.

I suspect she enjoy those flirtatious conversations she is having on social media, possibly making her feel happy or wanted, (I don't know)... But some could have actually led to meetings in person, with the fact that I have not been around for very long time.... You know everything is creating an atmosphere of suspicion.

Smiles.

ZionMyWorld:


But my fear is that, what if I travel out, though I voluntarily retired from the Military recently, I believed the job caused loneliness for her, but her actions have created a cloud of doubt and distrust in me...

I just pray it can clear off.

Am beginning to doubt her loyalty.

There is a proverb in my language that says what you won't eat, you shouldn't smell it.... lol

Sorry I don't know if that proverb is correct....

What am trying to say is that why flirting in the first place, why giving room for distractions...

Paige001:
sit her down and have a heart-heart talk with her, tell her you don't like her flirting with other men, give her time and see, if she doesn't stop then you should make her jealous by flirting with other women too, maybe that would make her come back to her senses

But my fear is that, what if I travel out, though I voluntarily retired from the Military recently, I believed the job caused loneliness for her, but her actions have created a cloud of doubt and distrust in me...

I just pray it can clear off.

Am beginning to doubt her loyalty.

Paige001:
sit her down and have a heart-heart talk with her, tell her you don't like her flirting with other men, give her time and see, if she doesn't stop then you should make her jealous by flirting with other women too, maybe that would make her come back to her senses

Yeah it worked, I actually started talking with a beautiful Fulani lady recently, and she suddenly gave me her Facebook password and ask me to be checking her messages, that I will agree she is not cheating and she will stop responding to random messages.

She even called my new friend and warned her to stay away from me, though I never have feeling for the girl nor did anything with her.

I don't like distractions God knows, and I don't want to have any reason to police my wife.

vincentjk:


I understand how you feel but you should also understand that every marriage has it's own flaws. I can tell by the way my parent lived despite the fact that my mum was over loyal and never talked back at my dad even for 1 single day

The worst feeling is staying with a partner with the suspense that they're cheating yet no evidence. God will see you and your family through my brother

Thank you & God bless.

vincentjk:


Damn everyday we learn tho

If you go for a divorce then how would you handle the kids?

Would you two share them amongst you 2kids each person?

Well if we get to that bridge, we shall see.

Divorce isn't the best option, but the situation is getting me frustrated, I understand nobody is perfect, but sometimes the best option may not be sustainable...

I have never caught her with someone, though i spend less time with her, I stay far away... But I hate the distractions she is entertaining, they serve no good purpose for me, the kids and the marriage.

vincentjk:
You did the investments in her name so what if she claims your properties when you divorce her?

Juet asking

It's Joint, we are both owners. That is the least of my worries actually, my God shall continue to provide for my needs.

CAPSLOCKED:
AFTER 10 YEARS OF MARRIAGE YOUR GIRL STILL FLIRTS AROUND. IT'S ONLY NATURAL MY FRIEND, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO TAME A WOMAN WHO'S SOURCE OF LIFE IS INTERNET ATTENTION, DM'S AND COMPLIMENTS FROM RANDOM MEN.

EVEN IF YOU END HER LIFE TODAY, SHE'LL CONTINUE IN THE UNDERWORLD, TO SEEK ATTENTION FROM OTHER DEAD PEOPLE AND MALE GHOSTS.

WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW?
AFTER TALKING TO HER FOR MORE THAN A DECADE, HAVE YOU DECIDED TO USE MILITARY VIOLENCE ON HER?

LOL. MY MAN THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP A WOMAN FROM BEGGING FOR LIKES AND SEEKING ATTENTION ON THE INTERNET. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE SIR.

DON'T STRESS YOURSELF TOO MUCH BEFORE YOU DIE OF HYPERTENSION, OR SHOOT SOMEONE.
JUST GIVE HER SPACE.... DRINK BEER, SMOKE, CONTINUE WITH THE USUAL MILITARY SERVICE OF HARASSING CIVILIANS WHILE RUNNING AWAY FROM CRIMINALS AND TERRORISTS.... AND PRAY TO JESUS THAT SHE'S ONLY AN ONLINE FLIRT AND DOESN'T ACTUALLY SPREAD KNEES PUBLICLY.

GOOD LUCK.

We are gentlemen, we are not violent regardless of public perception.... lol

Thanks for your advice.

Cockanfanta:
That's good. Be romantic call her sweet names lest they steal her heart away from you.
if she get the care and attention she want from you she will no longer seek it from them. And gradually she will finally be yours again.
Best of lucks

I don't think it will be a good thing for me to start acting under pressure to show extra love and become excessively "romantic" to win my wife's love because of fear of losing her. It's not pride brother, but I think if she give me reason to think that she want to be with another person, then I think the best is to let her go.

If she wanna be with me, she should learn to respect our privacy and marriage. I also had female classmates, course mates, colleagues that I can activate or start searching for on social media, but wetin i go gain, from bringing unnecessary distractions. That's my point...

Anyway thank you for your kind words.

AwkaetitiBabe:
So many people love the attention they get from chatting with other people. It's a psychological thingy that affirms they still relevant and pleasing to the eye. Not all will take it beyond d calls and messages. You probably need marriage counseling cos this isn't even worth a divorce

Thank you.

Cockanfanta:
At least now we know where the problem is coming from.
Not that she doesn't love you but she's bored and needs some fun.
How do you intend to solve this?

I retired recently, gonna have more time for family now.

Cockanfanta:
I think she does that because she's bored.
Since she has be doing it for a long time you can only take it from her bit by bit.
Do you take her out often? e.g fun and romantic evenings on weekends
Also she needs a job to keep her busy. Find something she has passion for.

Yes! I agree she has been bored, because i spend most time away from home due to work.

However she runs a school, we setup a private nursery/primary school, she manages it. With regards her job, she have job. What she had been lacking is my physical presence, but it's not my fault, it's the nature of my work.

izzou:
Firstly, I'm not married. So please take my comment as an irrelevant one

I do not think your wife became an Extrovert overnight. She was an extrovert even before you got married. Maybe you didn't see it, maybe you neglected it, but it was there. You just have to put her in check on how she distributes her contacts. You may not be able to stop her from being an extrovert, but you can make her an extrovert with Common Sense

Also, you cant have it all in life. Everyone one is imperfect, and that's why we supplement each other in marriage. Your wife is not business inclined. That's her imperfection. You don't have to have sleepless nights over that. You have to find a way to explore her other strengths and encourage her, instead of seeing it as a barrier. You can be involving her with little steps, but don't put pressures on her because of it

Like I said earlier, it's just my theoretical knowledge of marriage and my interactions with people

Thank you so much.

Cockanfanta:
You love her so much yet you're thinking of divorcing her just because of phone calls?

It's disturbing...