I decided to create this account to stay anonymous. I have been married for 11yrs. My marriage is blessed with 2kids. A boy and a girl ( 10 and 6yrs olds). I will try and make this brief. I was 28yrs old when I married. An orphan who grew up with her older brother's wife. I accepted to marry because all my life, I had known hard labour. My brother's wife used me to raise her kids and work if you understand what I mean. When marriage came, I saw it as an escape route from that lifestyle. Unknown to me that I will be feeling the way that I do now. Few days ago, I thought of killing myself because of what my life has become. My husband was nice before, now I don't know what to tag him . I have prayed and I am tired . He just does not care about me but I know he is not cheating. He gives me no support in the small provision business I do but for like 3yrs now I notice that he has change. The only time that he gave me money to add to my business was when I first started it. Some times as a mother and wife, I take things from the store that we use at home. So whenever this shop runs down, he never gives me money, I am always taking loans to fund, then when I finish repayment, I take again. Never buys my clothes or give me money for my hair. When I ask he says he opened shop for me. I have been taking loans to fund the shop because I don't have a helper but my husband looks the other way. We live in a student environment, a student came to buy pure water and stole my phone, my husband didn't bother or think of buying a new one. He's a plumber, whenever he comes back from work and it's like there's a bill, he tells me he doesn't have money. He hides his phone from me so that I don't see alerts. I wear clothes, ppl see me then praise him assuming that he's responsible for them but this man has not given me money for clothes in years. Not even for pants or pads.

I have reported him to ppl but he comes back even worse. He gives me money for food on Saturdays. So I cook a pot of soup and stew which the money will carry...imagine my kids taking rice and stew to school Monday to Friday because they have to eat eba as dinner. This is where I sometimes secretly take them to the shop to change meals. I complained and he said that they have to eat what he has as they are even lucky to see food.

I asked him if he was ready for marriage and he said YES. He married me well. Did everything. But I hate that I married him.

Please, I don't know what to do. I am overthinking because I am already in a 190k debt I don't know how to pay or when. His brother abroad reads my messages then ignore. My brother is old I can't ask him for anything. I feel I married a wicked man. Now we hardly even talk without quarreling.

Please I need solutions. No body shld ask me why I brought this here. Na who wear shoe know where e dey pain am.

Who pays all the bills in the house?
Who pays the school fees and the medical bills?
Who pays for food, water and energy bills?
I don’t like when people just vent online because they only point out what the other person has done to them and what wasn’t done for them.

Reginaoyah:
I decided to create this account to stay anonymous. I have been married for 11yrs. My marriage is blessed with 2kids. A boy and a girl ( 10 and 6yrs olds). I will try and make this brief. I was 28yrs old when I married. An orphan who grew up with her older brother's wife. I accepted to marry because all my life, I had known hard labour. My brother's wife used me to raise her kids and work if you understand what I mean. When marriage came, I saw it as an escape route from that lifestyle. Unknown to me that I will be feeling the way that I do now. Few days ago, I thought of killing myself because of what my life has become. My husband was nice before, now I don't know what to tag him . I have prayed and I am tired . He just does not care about me but I know he is not cheating. He gives me no support in the small provision business I do but for like 3yrs now I notice that he has change. The only time that he gave me money to add to my business was when I first started it. Some times as a mother and wife, I take things from the store that we use at home. So whenever this shop runs down, he never gives me money, I am always taking loans to fund, then when I finish repayment, I take again. Never buys my clothes or give me money for my hair. When I ask he says he opened shop for me. I have been taking loans to fund the shop because I don't have a helper but my husband looks the other way. We live in a student environment, a student came to buy pure water and stole my phone, my husband didn't bother or think of buying a new one. He's a plumber, whenever he comes back from work and it's like there's a bill, he tells me he doesn't have money. He hides his phone from me so that I don't see alerts. I wear clothes, ppl see me then praise him assuming that he's responsible for them but this man has not given me money for clothes in years. Not even for pants or pads.

I have reported him to ppl but he comes back even worse. He gives me money for food on Saturdays. So I cook a pot of soup and stew which the money will carry...imagine my kids taking rice and stew to school Monday to Friday because they have to eat eba as dinner. This is where I sometimes secretly take them to the shop to change meals. I complained and he said that they have to eat what he has as they are even lucky to see food.

I asked him if he was ready for marriage and he said YES. He married me well. Did everything. But I hate that I married him.

Please, I don't know what to do. I am overthinking because I am already in a 190k debt I don't know how to pay or when. His brother abroad reads my messages then ignore. My brother is old I can't ask him for anything. I feel I married a wicked man. Now we hardly even talk without quarreling.

I don't see him changing anytime soon.
Join a cooperative society where you can be saving monthly and be able to obtain reasonable amount of money to invest and grow your business

Reginaoyah:
I decided to create this account to stay anonymous. I have been married for 11yrs. My marriage is blessed with 2kids. A boy and a girl ( 10 and 6yrs olds). I will try and make this brief. I was 28yrs old when I married. An orphan who grew up with her older brother's wife. I accepted to marry because all my life, I had known hard labour. My brother's wife used me to raise her kids and work if you understand what I mean. When marriage came, I saw it as an escape route from that lifestyle. Unknown to me that I will be feeling the way that I do now. Few days ago, I thought of killing myself because of what my life has become. My husband was nice before, now I don't know what to tag him . I have prayed and I am tired . He just does not care about me but I know he is not cheating. He gives me no support in the small provision business I do but for like 3yrs now I notice that he has change. The only time that he gave me money to add to my business was when I first started it. Some times as a mother and wife, I take things from the store that we use at home. So whenever this shop runs down, he never gives me money, I am always taking loans to fund, then when I finish repayment, I take again. Never buys my clothes or give me money for my hair. When I ask he says he opened shop for me. I have been taking loans to fund the shop because I don't have a helper but my husband looks the other way. We live in a student environment, a student came to buy pure water and stole my phone, my husband didn't bother or think of buying a new one. He's a plumber, whenever he comes back from work and it's like there's a bill, he tells me he doesn't have money. He hides his phone from me so that I don't see alerts. I wear clothes, ppl see me then praise him assuming that he's responsible for them but this man has not given me money for clothes in years. Not even for pants or pads.

I have reported him to ppl but he comes back even worse. He gives me money for food on Saturdays. So I cook a pot of soup and stew which the money will carry...imagine my kids taking rice and stew to school Monday to Friday because they have to eat eba as dinner. This is where I sometimes secretly take them to the shop to change meals. I complained and he said that they have to eat what he has as they are even lucky to see food.

I asked him if he was ready for marriage and he said YES. He married me well. Did everything. But I hate that I married him.

Please, I don't know what to do. I am overthinking because I am already in a 190k debt I don't know how to pay or when. His brother abroad reads my messages then ignore. My brother is old I can't ask him for anything. I feel I married a wicked man. Now we hardly even talk without quarreling.

GOD will lead you through all your struggles

First of...
You married for the wrong reason - an escape route ...

I accepted to marry BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE, I HAD KNOWN HARD LABOUR. My brother's wife used me to raise her kids and work if you understand what I mean. WHEN MARRIAGE CAME, I SAW IT AS AN ESCAPE ROUTE FROM THAT LIFESTYLE

And there's no way you can marry for the wrong reason and with a wrong mindset and have a good marriage, it's not possible ...

Secondly...
You're not a very good business woman ...
Oga opened a shop for you and you ran it down SEVERALLY!!! and yet you still expect him to pump resources into something that you will prolly run down again? ...

And besides, did you seek permission from him before going to take the loan? ...

I mean, you don't expect that you collect money without his KNOWLEDGE and APPROVAL and expect him to pay it back, do you? ...

Thirdly...
You made the biggest mistake of your life the moment you started destroying your husbands image outside. You think those people you're reporting your husband to give 2fu.cks about your marriage? You think they'll respect you and your husband after bad-mouthing your husband? ...

I have reported him to ppl but he comes back even worse.

And besides, you expect him to be "better" after reporting him? ... Women are truly ignorant about how men think ...

Continue to tell your marriage issues to third party okay? You're doing well ...

Fourthly...
You're very unappreciative of your husbands effort ...

He gives me money for food on Saturdays

Regardless of his shortcomings,
He hasn't laid a finger on you...
He doesn't cheat...
He provides for his family...
He started out a business for you...

And still you're unappreciative of his effort? ...

In your own words, My husband was nice before, maybe it is your foul character that caused the change in his attitude towards you ...

I'm not saying your husband is a saint, but madam, na you use your hand destroy your marriage ...

Hmmm

Liabilities everywere.... I didnt see anywhere you have supported in ur whole write up..

Youve positioned yourself as a liability .

Very very well said.
Infact OP is the one that's changing. She's now beginning to compare herself with other seemingly 'comfortable' women.

Fahvvy:

First of...
You married for the wrong reason - an escape route ...

I accepted to marry BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE, I HAD KNOWN HARD LABOUR. My brother's wife used me to raise her kids and work if you understand what I mean. WHEN MARRIAGE CAME, I SAW IT AS AN ESCAPE ROUTE FROM THAT LIFESTYLE

And there's no way you can marry for the wrong reason and with a wrong mindset and have a good marriage, it's not possible ...

Secondly...
You're not a very good business woman ...
Oga opened a shop for you and you ran it down SEVERALLY!!! and yet you still expect him to pump resources into something that you will prolly run down again? ...

And besides, did you seek permission from him before going to take the loan? ...

I mean, you don't expect that you collect money without his KNOWLEDGE and APPROVAL and expect him to pay it back, do you? ...

Thirdly...
You made the biggest mistake of your life the moment you started destroying your husbands image outside. You think those people you're reporting your husband to give 2fu.cks about your marriage? You think they'll respect you and your husband after bad-mouthing your husband? ...

I have reported him to ppl but he comes back even worse.

And besides, you expect him to be "better" after reporting him? ... Women are truly ignorant about how men think ...

Continue to tell your marriage issues to third party okay? You're doing well ...

Fourthly...
You're very unappreciative of your husbands effort ...

He gives me money for food on Saturdays

Regardless of his shortcomings,
He hasn't laid a finger on you...
He doesn't cheat...
He provides for his family...
He started out a business for you...

And still you're unappreciative of his effort? ...

In your own words, My husband was nice before, maybe it is your foul character that caused the change in his attitude towards you ...

I'm not saying your husband is a saint, but madam, na you use your hand destroy your marriage ...

Fake story

Madam, you need to understand that times are hard and every family is trying to survive.
Show understanding and be supportive.

dawnomike:
I don't see him changing anytime soon.
Join a cooperative society where you can be saving monthly and be able to obtain reasonable amount of money to invest and grow your business

I can't do that now due to my financial situation. Maybe later. Thanks.

alpharoyalty:
Madam, you need to understand that times are hard and every family is trying to survive.
Show understanding and be supportive.

But he gets contracts. Does he work for free?

1. Did you expect me to reject the proposal when it came?
2. I had reported him to his mother. His brother,and my brother who all happen to be family at different intervals.
3. He only supported the business when I opened it. This business is more than 6yrs. So you give your wife 100k to add to a small business 6yrs ago and expect her to turn it to billions with kids she feeds and same shop you collect small things like toothpaste from? You are just judgemental, no solution.

Fahvvy:

First of...
You married for the wrong reason - an escape route ...

I accepted to marry BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE, I HAD KNOWN HARD LABOUR. My brother's wife used me to raise her kids and work if you understand what I mean. WHEN MARRIAGE CAME, I SAW IT AS AN ESCAPE ROUTE FROM THAT LIFESTYLE

And there's no way you can marry for the wrong reason and with a wrong mindset and have a good marriage, it's not possible ...

Secondly...
You're not a very good business woman ...
Oga opened a shop for you and you ran it down SEVERALLY!!! and yet you still expect him to pump resources into something that you will prolly run down again? ...

And besides, did you seek permission from him before going to take the loan? ...

I mean, you don't expect that you collect money without his KNOWLEDGE and APPROVAL and expect him to pay it back, do you? ...

Thirdly...
You made the biggest mistake of your life the moment you started destroying your husbands image outside. You think those people you're reporting your husband to give 2fu.cks about your marriage? You think they'll respect you and your husband after bad-mouthing your husband? ...

I have reported him to ppl but he comes back even worse.

And besides, you expect him to be "better" after reporting him? ... Women are truly ignorant about how men think ...

Continue to tell your marriage issues to third party okay? You're doing well ...

Fourthly...
You're very unappreciative of your husbands effort ...

He gives me money for food on Saturdays

Regardless of his shortcomings,
He hasn't laid a finger on you...
He doesn't cheat...
He provides for his family...
He started out a business for you...

And still you're unappreciative of his effort? ...

In your own words, My husband was nice before, maybe it is your foul character that caused the change in his attitude towards you ...

I'm not saying your husband is a saint, but madam, na you use your hand destroy your marriage ...

Brandiebird:
Who pays all the bills in the house?
Who pays the school fees and the medical bills?
Who pays for food, water and energy bills?
I don’t like when people just vent online because they only point out what the other person has done to them and what wasn’t done for them.

He pays all of that, yes. I am angry that he doesn't support me. I feel like I married my enemy.

Erums:
Liabilities everywere.... I didnt see anywhere you have supported in ur whole write up..

Youve positioned yourself as a liability .

I should support him with what? Carry out his responsibilities that he's failing at?

Reginaoyah:
He pays all of that, yes. I am angry that he doesn't support me. I feel like I married my enemy.

Do you not think him paying for everything and taking the burden of your shoulders is him supporting you?

Sometimes we get so caught up with the things that we don’t have that we take for granted the things we do have.

There are single mothers out there, even married women, who are the sole breadwinners in their homes. The things you are worried about are luxuries they can’t afford.

I honestly think you need to be kinder, appreciative and supportive of your husband for holding the family down.

As a woman you can get more by just being nice to your husband. I don’t think your husband is some rich man who is being stingy, I think he is a responsible man who is trying to keep his families head above water. He isn’t out there spending his money on small girls and neglecting his family.

My sister cherish what you have before it’s too late. Treat him well, let him know how valuable he is to your life and family, and stop being resentful towards him because it’s the right thing to do and then you might actually get the same treatment back from him.

In all honesty if you took some accountability for your actions then you’d realise that he set you up with a business and you made some poor decisions which ran the business into trouble.

Don’t be the kind of person who blames external factors instead of reflecting and recognising where you went wrong.

I’m sorry if you feel that I am putting you down or putting all the blame on you. I could just as easily tell you to leave your husband but you know that would not help your situation because you can’t take care of your kids and yourself since your husband is the one footing all your bills.

Brandiebird:
Who pays all the bills in the house?
Who pays the school fees and the medical bills?
Who pays for food, water and energy bills?
I don’t like when people just vent online because they only point out what the other person has done to them and what wasn’t done for them.

You are right.

It's as if am seeing some kind of over expectation.

He no buy clothes for me he no clothes for me. You be small pikin?

He footing the bills is what men with families do. He's not doing me any favour. You ppl saying I ran down the shop, my dear, it's a small business. My savings was in it too. Business has expenses...light bills, community levies, my fridge freezer went bad at least twice in the past yes, I fixed it from shop proceed. You sometimes eat from it, how will it grow? I cannot divorce him, but we will see in old age.

Brandiebird:


Do you not think him paying for everything and taking the burden of your shoulders is him supporting you?

Sometimes we get so caught up with the things that we don’t have that we take for granted the things we do have.

There are single mothers out there, even married women, who are the sole breadwinners in their homes. The things you are worried about are luxuries they can’t afford.

I honestly think you need to be kinder, appreciative and supportive of your husband for holding the family down.

As a woman you can get more by just being nice to your husband. I don’t think your husband is some rich man who is being stingy, I think he is a responsible man who is trying to keep his families head above water. He isn’t out there spending his money on small girls and neglecting his family.

My sister cherish what you have before it’s too late. Treat him well, let him know how valuable he is to your life and family, and stop being resentful towards him because it’s the right thing to do and then you might actually get the same treatment back from him.

In all honesty if you took some accountability for your actions then you’d realise that he set you up with a business and you made some poor decisions which ran the business into trouble.

Don’t be the kind of person who blames external factors instead of reflecting and recognising where you went wrong.

I’m sorry if you feel that I am putting you down or putting all the blame on you. I could just as easily tell you to leave your husband but you know that would not help your situation because you can’t take care of your kids and yourself since your husband is the one footing all your bills.

Reginaoyah:
But he gets contracts. Does he work for free?

Pack comot for his house. Your entitlement is too much!! Go marry a rich guy that can give you the phantom eldorado you are looking for. You can also become a plumber and be getting those contacts for yourself.


You think it is easy out there?

You be ungrateful human being.

Reginaoyah:
He footing the bills is what men with families do. He's not doing me any favour. You ppl saying I ran down the shop, my dear, it's a small business. My savings was in it too. Business has expenses...light bills, community levies, my fridge freezer went bad at least twice in the past yes, I fixed it from shop proceed. You sometimes eat from it, how will it grow? I cannot divorce him, but we will see in old age.

Firstly, I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, and for the way you are feeling. I understand you’re frustrated and came online to vent. However, he is not doing “what men do” because there are billions of men who don’t do what he is doing for YOU and his children.

You are only seeing today and the stress you are feeling. Your husband is seeing the next 18 years and how he will meet his responsibilities. Your children are going to need school fees from now until their university. Medical bills can pop up in short notice. You guys need rent and food for the next 18+ years. But you don’t care because “he is a man & that’s his responsibility.”

You sound really ungrateful and you will not win on this negative path that you are planning on. You don’t know if old age is promised to us so don’t project negativity towards your future.

To frank, If your shop folds today, my sister nothing will spoil because your husband is the breadwinner.

You seem to struggle with accountability so I will leave you with this; GRATITUDE is the secret to a good life. God is watching over us and gratitude is the language God responds to. Bring love back into your relationship and you will be amazed what your husband will do for you.

Continue being resentful, feeling vengeful and sad if you want but that will just eat you up from inside and make you sick. May the Most High make things easier for you and your family. 🙏

Edit: I guess we have to declare our gender because the truth is gender based according to Op: I am a female 💅

@OP, you provided FOUR pieces of evidence that help to solve your case in my humble opinion:

Evidence #1:

Reginaoyah:

He just does not care about me but I know he is not cheating.

Evidence #2:

Reginaoyah:
He pays all of that, yes. I am angry that he doesn't support me. I feel like I married my enemy.

Evidence #3:

Reginaoyah:
He footing the bills is what men with families do. He's not doing me any favour.

Evidence #4:

Reginaoyah:
I cannot divorce him, but we will see in old age.

From all these, it is clear that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
The evidence number 4 above shows that you are not really a good woman talk less of a good wife.
So, after a PLUMBER husband of yours (plumbers are poor in Nigeria), had done his level best to provide for his family, you feel entitled that he should bleed himself to death while you play wife? Do you know how tough things are in Nigeria now?
You apparently had (and still have) a completely wrong understanding of marriage.
Marriage is FOR BETTER FOR WORSE.
The man has done his best.
Keep waiting to "avenge" yourself in old age when you may not even live longer than him.
God is watching and taking notes!

AgentGoat:



You are right.

It's as if am seeing some kind of over expectation.

He no buy clothes for me he no clothes for me. You be small pikin?

I really hope she’s young or that she’s trolling us because she’s making herself miserable over shi that doesn’t matter. Her “business “ doesn’t pay a single bill in her home but she’s willing to scatter her marriage over it. The entitlement and ungrateful attitude is nauseating. She said her husband isn’t doing her a favour by putting a roof over her head and food in her mouth. Wow! She’s got to be trolling.

I noticed that it's mostly the men talking about how ungrateful I am, paying a blind eye to the fact that my husband has not been a good man. How he would never ask me if I want to make my hair, not even for Christmas. How he doesn't know how much my clothes cost. How I could go and kill myself instead of him to give me the least 5k to do something. If any of you were me, you would either feel the same or worse.

Who said plumbers are broke? This man collects contract to wire an entire building. Children will come back from school and would want something from your shop, from the same 100k you were given 6yrs ago?

I only pointed out issues. I have been clothing myself to remove shame from his face because reasonable men do that for their wives plus I no be small pikin. I don't see it as over expectation.

AgentGoat:



You are right.

It's as if am seeing some kind of over expectation.

He no buy clothes for me he no clothes for me. You be small pikin?

Reginaoyah:
I noticed that it's mostly the men talking about how ungrateful I am, paying a blind eye to the fact that my husband has not been a good man. How he would never ask me if I want to make my hair, not even for Christmas. How he doesn't know how much my clothes cost. How I could go and kill myself instead of him to give me the least 5k to do something. If any of you were me, you would either feel the same or worse.

Who said plumbers are broke? This man collects contract to wire an entire building. Children will come back from school and would want something from your shop, from the same 100k you were given 6yrs ago?

The more you post, the more I get the impression that you are really looking for permission (or validation) to cheat on your husband.
I could be wrong but you sound like some man is telling you things like "look, how can a beautiful woman like you be wasting your time with this stingy man. ..he doesn't even care about your hair, clothes... the usual blah..."
My dear, the moment that man finishes sleeping with you, he will leave because you have a husband and TWO children.
Stop listening to men outside. It never ends well.
Once you marry, your focus should shift from hairs and makeups to foods and clothes for children.
Marriage (and life ) is TOUGH.
I don talk my own o.

Be humble and submissive to your husband, I bet you, you will get everything you want from him, even 100N pad.

Your hubby isn't as bad as you think. You just doesn't know how to be his good wife.

Just be submissive and communicate more, you will enjoy your marriage.

He knew marriage was your escape route and he gave you that, he will still be ready to give you more.

Forget about those people over hyping their hubby in your presence, na liar full am.

A female here....

In this current Nigeria,a man is providing for food and school fees and what you're worried about is clothing and stuff.

You're lucky to have a roof over your head. Why will you even secretly give your kids food at the shop? Why not cook, when your husband comes, he will eat something different no matter how little his portion is.

You're deliberately destroying your marriage but need validation from people to go gun blazing. This is nairaland, you will find people who will support you to destroy your marriage and you alone will suffer the consequences.

Nonsense!!!

Reginaoyah:
I noticed that it's mostly the men talking about how ungrateful I am, paying a blind eye to the fact that my husband has not been a good man. How he would never ask me if I want to make my hair, not even for Christmas. How he doesn't know how much my clothes cost. How I could go and kill myself instead of him to give me the least 5k to do something. If any of you were me, you would either feel the same or worse.

Who said plumbers are broke? This man collects contract to wire an entire building. Children will come back from school and would want something from your shop, from the same 100k you were given 6yrs ago?

you have created this illusion inside your head that your husband is wealthy yet you said you haven't been seeing his finances. Same you said he's not cheating.

So if a man is wealthy,not cheating and still not taking care of his own children, where is the money going?

Please,do what you want. That man telling you that you deserve better, it's time you follow him with your full chest. You will suffer the consequences alone

Hmmm

Buy him cloths and other things. Keep buying him stuffs till her changes. Give him lots of gifts.

Foodqueen:
Be humble and submissive to your husband, I bet you, you will get everything you want from him, even 100N pad.

Your hubby isn't as bad as you think. You just doesn't know how to be his good wife.

Just be submissive and communicate more, you will enjoy your marriage.

He knew marriage was your escape route and he gave you that, he will still be ready to give you more.

Forget about those people over hyping their hubby in your presence, na liar full am.

A female here....

Op! This is the advice you need.