ronkebp: ^^^^^yeah!!!! you still do not see anything wrong in the way the man treated his wife

don't judge yet; you've not heard the husband's side of the story

Tgirl4real: CC,

I can see dat the "d emotional attachment" aspect is bringing a new tutn to things. Remember, she hasdn't admitted to that.



I totally agree with you.



Hmm...




This is the aspect I wondered at too. She claimed she saw traces but he was making positive progress at being a better person. Truth is, everyone likes this man cos he is friendly and generous and he knows how to keep his emotions locked. But the wife is the one at the receiving end at home.

Let me clarify some issues. She accept the trash for that long. For the first 3 years, she felt helpless. She didn't speak out. She couldn't speak out for fear of her hubby. Moreover, she was occupied with the kids. We hardly see her around too. When she tried talking to him, he will promise change and go back after a short while. He is the type that believes the success of a marriage is in the hands of the woman only.

She decided to speak up when she realised she wasn't connecting with him anymore during se.x. Before this time I can assure you that there was no one.

in as much that you are trying to protect ur friend and blame everything on the man; caution should be the watch word cos you have not heard the man's side of the story so as to be able to carry out an informed analysis/judgement.

Efe, what does being emotionally attached to someone else mean to you in a marriage ?

Seun: I don't understand why people choose to be committed to unpleasant things. Don't make babies if the father isn't behaving.

Simple.com

I wonder too a man treats you like shit, thinking its normal. U complain, he waves it aside. Why would any normal woman wants to have sex with him...of course it will feel like torture.. unless the husband changes, he will meet an empty home, one day...And he will start lamenting, women sef? one cant satisfy them...To satisfy most women doesnt take much. Take a look at Ice loves Coco.. Although we all know , coco is a hot, well dumb babe and wifey to ice, but he still praises her everywhere he goes, in public and in private. There is no way Coco will desert Ice, cause he gives her everything and respect too.. Even though he pays her bills 110percent. He still treats her like a queen. How many Nigerian men can even treat their gf like queen, talkless of wifey..
The husband has to change his attitude, sha.. thats my two cent.

Victorian, I totally agree with you.

Efemena_xy:

Tgirl, the bolded says a lot about that union. It's apparent that man never respected her from the word "go". Did he marry her out of obligation or something? Was he forced into the marriage against his will? Because he certainly never loved her from what I read. I know that a lot of men are of the "Old School" stock, but even then - if you really love someone, you wouldn't do half of what this man's done to his wife. This man never loved her and certainly doesn't right now.

What did she do in her past that was so bad?? For him to use it in taunting her 5 years on shows that he never forgave nor forgot. And it's manifesting itself like an ugly wound in their marriage.

I also see that there is a play of power here. This guy obviously has control issues (stopping her from attending church and family functions?? Come on!). His issues with controlling his wife may be as a result of deep-rooted insecurity issues he has within himself. People like this often trample on others to make themselves feel better. A lot can be said about a husband who derives joy from talking down to and embarrassing his wife in public. The man is meant to be the protector, to shield and comfort her from harm from the outside world. But what we have here is a man doing the opposite. Ridiculing her in public, comparing her to his mum, sisters, friends wives, etc. Gives the impression that this man was a mama's boy.

I'm not surprised that she feels the way she does. Every human has a breaking point. Beating her up is the final straw that breaks the camel's back. Violence in a union, especially with kids involved is a complete no-no.

But having said all this, this lady in question should also take a share of the blame. The man didn't turn to a monster over night. You mentioned that these have been happening right from the onset. Why didn't she take any corrective steps to change the ship's direction. She bore all this in silence for 5 years. She must have seen the signs whilst they were dating too, but probably turned a blind eye.

Gosh! This is such a mess. If they both want to make a go of this union, then they really do have a lot of issues between them to sort out.

I read your post again. You are right about the guy having control issue. U are also right about she keeping silent. but, can we really blame her in a society like this? At the early stage, she felt she was the problem, trying o adjust to please her husband till the sex issue came. She was also protecting him. U know, I don't want people to know"; "what will people say" "my marriage is still young" and stuff like tha. Even her mum didn't embrace her when she threatened to leave after things got out. I'm glad she spoke out eventually, so that when things totally get out of hand, no one will blame her when she decides to leave.

The main point is, he is truly not sorry, thus making it even more difficult for her to connect.

What did she do in her past that was so bad?? For him to use it in taunting her 5 years on shows that he never forgave nor forgot. And it's manifesting itself like an ugly wound in their marriage.

Nufin really o. It's more of mistakes she made in her past relationships before they met. She confided in him since he was going to be her husband anyway.

That is why I wonder if one needs to say all about one's past to a spouse?

*Sigh*

Thanks CC. Though, u make it sound like she is not letting go deliberately.

chaircover:

. . . .she can carry on "punishing" herself and her husband until something finally gives and the marriage breaks up anyway

Tgirl....ask her what she really wants?

This woman is not ready for marriage, let her go and meet her emotional lover and spare herself the torture.
You think the husband doesnt notice this too? LOL at women thinking the husband is dumb.

Let her go and tell her parents that she is emotionally attached to someone else or she is more outgoing and prefers to visit all the events happening in town. No wonder the husband called her lazy.

I fully understand the husband. he married a woman not ready for married life.

^^ And how does your suggestion help the couple? Or the lady in question? Have you considered how the kids would be affected?

Face it Dayo, you're out of your depth here. You're incapable of providing constructive advice. This lady reached out to a friend (Tgirl) for help.

Pointing the finger and suggesting a break-up reeks of immaturity. Are you even married? Or in a serious long term relationship??

The woman is cheating, Prefers to go out than stay home with her family,

Tgirl4real: 3. I suspect she could be emotionally attached to someone else

Tgirl4real: She is the out going type. He also cut her from the outside world. Wasn't allowing her attend functions, even family and church functions.

Tgirl4real: Here she is, totally not loving or feeling her husband again,.

These are the crux of the issue. Any objective 3rd party would see a woman that cant be called responsible here. All those other addition na jara to seek pity its its so easy to se through

A fellow woman already told her this

chaircover: truth be told, this woman is cheating (cheating doesn't always have to be physical) and the fact that she is emotionally attached to someone else will continue to place a barrier between her and her husband.

With the presence of someone else sharing her emotions, She will continue to focus on her husbands short comings/offenses so as to make her not feel so guilty about the situation. There is a possibility that if there wasnt anyone else in the union, then she may have forgiven the husband and moved on.

Tell your friend that she cant serve 2 masters at the same time; so she either dumps mr emotional attachment and face her husband and marriage squarely or she dumps her husband.

The best advice in bold.

What does she want, She doesnt love her husband again, She is already emotionally attached to someone else. So what is the solution? Either fix her cheating attitude or simply get out of the marriage.

Kids are involved but when the mother and the father dont want to live together and the mother isnt feeling the relationship again, isnt it better she gets out before she turns to another Titi Arowolo. Titi Arowolo too was probably considering her children before the eventual fatality

chaircover: truth be told, this woman is cheating (cheating doesn't always have to be physical) and the fact that she is emotionally attached to someone else will continue to place a barrier between her and her husband.

With the presence of someone else sharing her emotions, She will continue to focus on her husbands short comings/offenses so as to make her not feel so guilty about the situation. There is a possibility that if there wasnt anyone else in the union, then she may have forgiven the husband and moved on.

For 5 years, she accepted being treated like trash by this man. I believe that in many cases people will treat you the way you allow then to. Before she became emotionally involved with another man, she was OK to let her husband walk all over her and Now she suddenly says no more. Most of the things that you have listed as the husbands offenses would have been there long before the ring went on the finger and this probably explains why the husband is confused as to what the problem is now cos its something that he has been doing from the onset.

Tell your friend that she cant serve 2 masters at the same time; so she either dumps mr emotional attachment and face her husband and marriage squarely or she dumps her husband.

Why am I not blaming the husband so much? and although he sounds like a nasty peice of work, I dont even think that he knows the gravity of what he has done/doing/did wrong until the damage had been done and if the first time he verbally abused his wife she made a big fuss over it, he most probably wouldn't have done it again.

After reading all the bias from other women who seem to have ignored this crucial piece, My ultimate respect for you increases!

How can you solve your issues whilst being 'emotionally attached' to someone else? how?

Technically and realistically, she is cheating on her husband.

dare2think:

After reading all the bias from other women who seem to have ignored this crucial piece, My ultimate respect for you increases!

How can you solve your issues whilst being 'emotionally attached' to someone else? how?

Technically and realistically, she is cheating on her husband.

Well according to some, She is justified to be emotionally attached to someone else while still married to another person

Jugding by tgirl's portrayal of the man, he is your typical average controlling Nigerian Man!

However, our advices would be futile and more damaging if we can't hear or read the husband's side of the story! The intricacies of a relationship can be very complicated, and typically friends cannot really get the full picture.

Let us be honest here, who is this 'third party' that she may be attached too? at what point did this party get involved to the extent that emotionality is now being discussed?

^ That in itself is a large contributing factor for the lack of intimacy. The husband's behaviour is unacceptable. No one should abuse another soul emotionally or physically!

However, the wife must also address her issues too, issues such as being attached to someone else outside her marriage.

ronkebp: Tgirl....ask her what she really wants?

The 1million dollar question. I will be back when I have more info.

@ Dayo,

U have totally gone off tangent. How can u say someone who is out going wants to attend all the owambe around. Is it healthy to lock ur wife up and shield her from the world? If ur wife is matured and you trust her, why would you be treating her like a kid? Marriage doesn't mean you have to totally cut yourself from the world.

I don't wanna sound like I'm defending her here, but u are just judging blindly. This is a respectable lady, that people admire and look up to. Any one can find herself in this issue. She had respected and protected her hubby all the while he was maltreating her. If u keep treating someone like trash, it's only a matter of time, whether consciously or unconsciously, the heart will drift away. This is not just limited to marital relationship alone. It is just normal and it happens everywhere and all the time.

Dayokanu,

I'm still amazed at the way you twisted the whole thing. Na wa o. *SMH*

U keep saying she isn't ready for marriage. Is it the man that is not accomodating and complains over every little thing that is ready for marraige? Is marriage = to a prison yard? I tire for u o.

^^ Tgirl,

Its obvious to all that you try your best to portray the woman as a saint and the husband as a beast, Even though this is a very one sided account, the little that slipped from you shows her as being very far from what you say she is.

She is emotionally attached to someone else, she doesnt love her husband fully

Regarding the issue of going out. Can you expatiate? She has Just Saturday and Sunday to spend with their husband and kids,
So what do you mean by she is outgoing? You said her husband stops her from attending functions. What sort of functions is she attending?

Does her husband stop her from going to work, Church and visiting her family within reasonable standards? Any man that marries and still allow his wife to attend functions uncontrolled most likely has his own coded parole too.

OK in conclusion, She is married to a beast of a husband, She is already emotionally attached to someone else, She doesnt love her Husband again

Her husband likely wont stop being who he is, And she has found love elsewhere

So what other advise does she need apart from getting a divorce?

Dayo, for the umpteenth tym, stop reading meanings that don't exist into my post. U have so mentioned the emotional attachment that no one can post without mentioning it. Ok, She isn't emotionally attached to anyone.

Can we move on now?

She is my friend and I know her. The hubby isn't a beast, but he is certainly
not an understanding man.

dare2think: Jugding by tgirl's portrayal of the man, he is your typical average controlling Nigerian Man!

However, our advices would be futile and more damaging if we can't hear or read the husband's side of the story! The intricacies of a relationship can be very complicated, and typically friends cannot really get the full picture.

Let us be honest here, who is this 'third party' that she may be attached too? at what point did this party get involved to the extent that emotionality is now being discussed?

^ That in itself is a large contributing factor for the lack of intimacy. The husband's behaviour is unacceptable. No one should abuse another soul emotionally or physically!

However, the wife must also address her issues too, issues such as being attached to someone else outside her marriage.

I dunno know how I missed this. U are right, she needs to sort out issues. There is no 3rd party. It's just an insinuation.

dayokanu: ^^ Tgirl,
Regarding the issue of going out. Can you expatiate? She has Just Saturday and Sunday to spend with their husband and kids,
So what do you mean by she is outgoing? You said her husband stops her from attending functions. What sort of functions is she attending?

Does her husband stop her from going to work, Church and visiting her family within reasonable standards? Any man that marries and still allow his wife to attend functions uncontrolled most likely has his own coded parole too.

Yea, thank God you mentioned reasonable standard. The husband is hardly home on weekends cos of the nature of his job. And the functions are basic functions you can think of.

dayokanu: Her husband likely wont stop being who he is, And she has found love elsewhere

So what other advise does she need apart from getting a divorce?

You are right about the hubby, but I don't think she is thinking of divorce.

I've been following this thread for a while, along with the other one about sexx and divorce. So... Tg, u have said it, cross your heart, soul, and small intestines, that your friend isnt ''emotionally attached'' to anyone. No wahala, i'll buy it. But u know what, i truly dont have any advice for your friend. She's a grown-a$$ woman, with 5 years of marriage in her pocket; she wasnt blind-folded or deaf or emotionally 'zombified' when she got married. So she KNEW what hubby was like, ogre-complex and all. And THAT, as far as i'm concerned, is the end of the story. U order akamu and beans; u bloody eat the akamu and beans. Period. The person that i do have an advice for, is you, Tg.

Look, be frank and honest with your friend: if she wants the marriage to work, then she has to WORK on it, SACRIFICE for it, PRAY for it. Dont wait for hubby to do something; u're the one hurting, not him. And dont go around crying wolf neither; u already KNEW what u'd be getting, so whats with all the hullabaloo? If she says she didnt see all this coming, then she's either lying or has still has a lot of wisdom to catch up with, getting married to a stranger like that.

And if she cant do that, then she should call it quits. Chaircover and Seun have said as much and i personally dont think there's any other way of saying it... Unless of course dayokanu's been right all along.

E..O..D..

ronkebp: Hmmmmm!!! akiika!!! now i know where the problem lies........SHE HAS FALLEN COMPLETELY OUT OF LOVE. The husband has lost on that one. there is no way you will treat someone like trash and expect them to love you in return. She has no cure for that one, unless he changes and turns a new leaf...if he doesn't he has lost his wife emotionally, mentally and psychologically... she is no longer his wife perse, only on the signed lines of their marraige certificate.

It is going to be a matter of time before she really sleeps with the person she is emotionally attached to and treats her well and when that happens, it is a big 'BYE-BYE' to the current union. she has not opened -up to you yet on how and what she is truely doing with her "real" feelings.

.

@ Ronke n CC,

U see what Fantababy is going through...it describes what this babe went through when she was pregnant. I believe the way her husband treated her during pregnancy hardened her more.

Kay9, thanks for the blunt post. U know, we all can't judge completely cos this is only a 3rd party account.

@ all,

We had a long discussion and bottomline is that she would make effort on her part to improve their sex life. I suggested some of the things u guys mentioned, esp. CCs. She claims se.x is better when she is in the mood.

Her hubby hasn't changed much and it's making things more difficult. But one thing we acheived is being able to change her mindset. She was indifferent about the whole thing before. Now, she is willing to make an effort.

Thanks all.

kay9: I've been following this thread for a while, along with the other one about sexx and divorce. So... Tg, u have said it, cross your heart, soul, and small intestines, that your friend isnt ''emotionally attached'' to anyone. No wahala, i'll buy it. But u know what, i truly dont have any advice for your friend. She's a grown-a$$ woman, with 5 years of marriage in her pocket; she wasnt blind-folded or deaf or emotionally 'zombified' when she got married. So she KNEW what hubby was like, ogre-complex and all. And THAT, as far as i'm concerned, is the end of the story. U order akamu and beans; u bloody eat the akamu and beans. Period. The person that i do have an advice for, is you, Tg.

Look, be frank and honest with your friend: if she wants the marriage to work, then she has to WORK on it, SACRIFICE for it, PRAY for it. Dont wait for hubby to do something; u're the one hurting, not him. And dont go around crying wolf neither; u already KNEW what u'd be getting, so whats with all the hullabaloo? If she says she didnt see all this coming, then she's either lying or has still has a lot of wisdom to catch up with, getting married to a stranger like that.

And if she cant do that, then she should call it quits. Chaircover and Seun have said as much and i personally dont think there's any other way of saying it... Unless of course dayokanu's been right all along.

Damn.

Tgirl4real:
Thanks all.

U're welcome, Mumi Tani.

Dayokanu has said it all. The woman is emotionally invested in another man and is now wondering why she does not want to sleep with her husband. Mtchheeww.

Hang on a second, did someone just call COCO hot? What is hot in COCO with all them implants going on inside of her? When did we start using "hot" to define and describe fake people?

Back to topic

stillwater:

Damn.

Yea. I noticed it's harsh too. More like "as u lay ur bed. . .". I really don't believe you can know your partner completely before marriage Kay 9.