The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become better worshippers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

http://dailytimes.com.ng/opinion/how-worship-nigerian-god#.UBJg4P25uSB.facebook

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

Woow the nigerian God is very good oo kai oya if person buy range rover sport - ask a typical naija man -first tin na - God oo which God - jah,olorun amadioha egbesu zeus, posiedon,pharoeh which one na make me sef buy my own range-

Shame to we

poweredcom: Woow the nigerian God is very good oo kai oya if person buy range rover sport - ask a typical naija man -first tin na - God oo which God - jah,olorun amadioha egbesu zeus, posiedon,pharoeh which one na make me sef buy my own range-

Shame to we

can you imagine what our religion belief has turned to , its all about success .... great job by the writer

The nigerian god Is a very Good bad boy.,

Worshippers of the Nigerian God will threaten Seun and other Nlanders for posting this truth..

Does God exist?

fredoooooo: When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

hahahahaha...the nigerian god must be having a serious ear problem, or may be the reception of the network is damn just too bad!

Fredooo dis article made me laugh, u r rilly creative, u hav inspired me to write a peice at least after my exams...pls pray to d Nigerian God to help carry out exam malpractise without being caught (just kidding)

The way ωε perceive our religion ideologies really constitute part of our problem & where the problems lies is nigerians ain't expose to see the way & manner in which the religions are even practices where they are imported from.

.

Lord Babs: Does God exist?

LETS STICK TO THE TOPIC.

mehhhhn! I thought i was the only one seeing things like this. Nigerian God.

The 'nigerian god' is an illusion.It is a creation of ill-grounded religionists, with profound sympathy for wishful thinking.

Reyginus: The 'nigerian god' is an illusion.It is a creation of ill-grounded religionists, with profound sympathy for wishful thinking.

A mirage in its exclusive making. . .an anecdote of perceptive blindness. . .and a resultant of the poverty of imagination!

A reply to the article by H.Eshofunie

"No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Yes cannot serve God and mammon." Mammon took over the Nigerian religious space a long time ago and the evidence is right before our eyes. This article is a sermon that should be stuck on the gates and doors of all our churches and tabernacles and hopefully signal our initiation to rebel against the status quo and seek for the true God."

double post

Enitsua: Fredooo dis article made me laugh, u r rilly creative, u hav inspired me to write a peice at least after my exams...pls pray to d Nigerian God to help carry out exam malpractise without being caught (just kidding)

No bros, fredooo did not write the article. He copied it from another creative writer on the internet. The article had been on facebook for about two weeks now. Am not sure he cited his source hence fredooo is a plagiarist. The article was written by Elnathan John for DailyTime, July 19, 2012

I wª₪Ŧ feature d'banj for ♍Ɣ nxt song o, ªŋd I think I ve found d title of dz song 4 Nland already, thnx τ̲̅ȍ d OP lol.......Nigerian god, omo dz song go enter o

dekung:
No bros, fredooo did not write the article. He copied it from another creative writer on the internet. The article had been on facebook for about two weeks now. Am not sure he cited his source hence fredooo is a plagiarist. The article was written by Elnathan John for DailyTime, July 19, 2012

Guy you wicked o, see as yu expose freedoo lol

What about the nigerian allah?

This Nigerian has taken over every aspect of lives,with so many of his agents springing up everyday and everywhere he is going to rule our sense of reasoning and way of life for a very long time if not forever.
You robb an innocent woman of her hard earned money then buy a house,car and people ask you how come you say its God ooo
As banker you deduct certain amount from people's account daily then buy an expensive gifts for your wife,she ask darling where did you get all this from, as usual its God
The Nigeria god will never see anything wrong in everything,hmmmm pathetic god I must say

dekung:
No bros, fredooo did not write the article. He copied it from another creative writer on the internet. The article had been on facebook for about two weeks now. Am not sure he cited his source hence fredooo is a plagiarist.

fredoooooo:

http://dailytimes.com.ng/opinion/how-worship-nigerian-god#.UBJg4P25uSB.facebook

fredoooooo:

can you imagine what our religion belief has turned to , its all about success .... great job by the writer

bros fredoo made it clear it wasnt his piece, he even added d link to the post so why the hate?

Its funny what people have reduced God to. @post sm people wil get offended wit what u just wrote bt i get d message esp when we luk at dis boko guys who after every attack wil tel nigerians that ALLAH has given em victory over d ''Arne's''. Well true worship comes frm the heart, and God will judge every hypocrite.

nigerian god is always blessin d corrupt wans wit more wisdom on hw 2 embezzle our national wealth while d faithful laments in acute poverty. D nigeria god helps students dat depend solely on exam malpractise to graduate wit first n 2nd class while dos dat read al tym graduate wit 3rd clasr nd pass.

Na this same nigerian god dey bless these criminals, kidnapperz, politicians, boko haram etc

akpu nku:

bros fredoo made it clear it wasnt his piece, he even added d link to the post so why the hate?

sorry bro, in my post I said am not sure he cited his source HENCE (conditional statement) he is a plagiarist. Meaning I may be wrong about him citing his source and if am right then he is a plagiarist thats why the word 'hence' is there. Thanks for showing me he cited his source