The lack of discernment of my compatriots has degenerated to such a maniacal level that most do not sense the pristine intents in any of our populace-centric government’s activities even if it’s plugged into their nostrils. I keep wondering if this is not an abuse of our hard-earned democracy. Instead of being overly cynical, shouldn’t we be so grateful for the actualization of a post-despotic era in our country that we should strive only to make this regime work? Before you put the blame of Global Warming on our genteel president’s fart, did you ask yourself if you’re not as culpable?

A recent list of prominent citizens to be conferred with national honours has caused quite a stir with some critics suggesting the inclusion of an ordinary taxi driver, who isn’t even corrupt enough to misappropriate a paltry 18 million naira (less than the presidential feeding allowance for a week!) left in his cab by a fare, on the list of national awardees. What a ludicrous suggestion! Don’t you know that a national recognition of such a naïve individual would cost us our unrivalled top spot on the international corruption scale? If we did that, the international community would be quick to spot that as a weakness and demote us from our pedestal, thereby demeaning our national dignity, denuding us and costing us our national pride- corruption. Acceding to such requests would even paint our strong government weak- what a misnomer! Who knows the kind of suggestions these thoughtless nigerians would be making in the future? Maybe they’d want Tuface Idibia honoured for his prominent contribution to our population explosion. Asinine!

Even our religious leaders are not spared by the fangs of these critics. I travel to the southern south and see how our sacred pulpits are incessantly lacerated and impaled by my insufferably critical compatriots. What happened to the sacred cow concept! Why would anyone tag our pulpits as demagogues? These pulpits have been the agents of our enlightenment; where else could we have been alerted to the fact that a direct application of raw excrements on our faces enhances our beauty? They spiritually confirm our aromatic fragrance when our physical noses say different: who doesn’t know that we cannot trust the human nose for smelling? They’ve assured us that our festering sores are signs of good living and buoyed by their divine approval, we’ve inflicted pleasant injuries on ourselves and aren’t we are the better for it? My critical compatriots call these selfless men thieves simply because of the ultra high frequency of their crusades for offerings as if we don’t know that the offerings are simply used to offer libations to our God (for our own benefits of course). “What is the source of the resources that support their ostentatious lifestyles? Are pulpits supposed to be fashionistas?” the critics keep asking, as if we must have answers to all questions. Wait! Are our pulpits really damagogic? Never!

Same thing when I travel to the northern north; I’m unsettled by the barrages of unfounded allegations levelled at the religious leaders up there- the minbars. What height of sacrilege! How could these ordained peacekeepers be dubbed troublemakers? Don’t they simply teach us to peacefully decapitate the idiots who are so dull that they think ‘gutter’ rhymes with ‘water’, peaceably eviscerate the fools that are blind enough to see any alliterative quality in the phrase, “When Warsaw saw war,” and lovingly immolate the frigid individuals who wouldn’t do the moonwalk dance to our melodious dirges? Could our indefatigable proponents of peace be really deluded? Haven’t they been constantly helping us weed off undesirables and the lowest common denominators from our society? “Believe our beliefs, do our dos, and don’t our don’ts”- that’s the simple condition for peace. Is that asking for too much? Boko Haram is a product of their genius. That said I’m sure you all agree with me that my cynical compatriots owe our minbars some apologies.

Since news of the proposed 5000 naira denomination was made public, critics have been responding as they always do- with cynicism. However, I have a simple question for them: Do you enjoy the way our celebrated nationals are being disgraced in Europe and America? They are first robbed by the governments of those poor countries and later incarcerated just for reflecting our opulent lifestyles abroad! When did that become a crime? I don’t know, do you? If we could help these our icons outwit the money laundering policemen in those countries but decide not to, would we not be doing ourselves a great disservice?

A couple of days ago there were rumours on the reasons for our first lady’s absence from the country, after which our honourable presidential spokesman assuaged all fears by informing us that she’s just on vacation and there isn’t much more to it. However, in the light of recent events, he’s been proven wrong and is being castigated by these same critics for his thoughtfulness. I should remind you that this democratic era has had three presidents so far. The first president did not complete his tenure in his first lady’s lifetime. The second president left his first lady behind. The third president …. Follow the trend and see the fears of the presidential spokesman. Who would want to lose a lucrative job for blabbing conspiracy theories? You all need to be a lil' more reasonable.

Finally I’ll want all my compatriots to understand the times we live in; it is best condensed in the opening paragraphs of Charles Dicken’s Tale of Two Cities, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.
“There were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England; there were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a fair face, on the throne of France.”

Reviews from literature pundits will be appreciated.

Since these are among your first set of works, I suggest try to tone down the big big girama. Though I understand everything you have written, not everybody is Ishilove. Lol.

Sincerely, I love your style. Its very unique. Keep it up

Ishilove: Try to tone down the big big girama.

Noted