“Nigerians are missing me,” says Dame
Jonathan… in last week’s news with a pinch
of salt by Stanley Azuakola Nigerians are missing me – Dame Patience The wife of Nigeria’s Vice-President, Hajiya
Amina Sambo, has turned down calls for her to
step up and assume the role of acting first lady
of the federation, saying she is not interested in
the job, as she is loyal to her boss, Dame
Patience Jonathan. Some Nigerians have been worried that
following the first lady’s continued absence;
the very important duties of a first lady like
organising thank-you tours and causing traffic
have been left unattended to. But Hajiya Sambo
has said that there is no vacuum in leadership. Meanwhile, a source in the office of the first
lady told A Pinch that Dame Patience is excited
about the level of interest her absence is
generating. The source said, when she heard
how interested people were, she decided to
postpone her return for another two months, saying “Nigerians are missing me well-well. I
told them to make my position official and
constitutional but they refused. I will so do
them, that when I’m ready to come back, they’ll
be begging me to make my office official.” Three things A Pinch… saw and overheard last week A Pinch… would like to share with you some of
the things we saw and overheard this past
week. We are not exactly sure where we heard
or saw them though, so it might just have been
in our head. 1. A quote inside the in-flight magazine of
one of the remaining surviving airlines
in Nigeria: “What shall it profit a man to
build a great business and allow Jimoh
Ibrahim to buy it from him?” 2. The president would soon fire his
recently appointed attack dog, Doyin
Okupe over the current allegations
against him. In his place, CBN governor,
Sanusi Lamido would be appointed.
Sanusi who fancies himself as an effective attack dog, famously slamming
ex-president Obasanjo last week, will
bear the title of Chief Barker of Nigeria
(CBN). 3. President Jonathan hurriedly ended his
foreign tour earlier than planned
because of an epiphany he received.
The president who had just visited
Malawi to launch their Malawian National
Cassava Master-plan felt bad afterwards. He was worried that the last time Nigeria
helped a country in agriculture was
Malaysia, and now they’ve surpassed us
in oil palm plantations. He worried that
since Malawi and Malaysia have
similarities in how they are spelt, Malawi, “just like the other Mala- before it, will
come and surpass Nigeria in cassava
production” which is dear to his heart. CROWNED CLOWN (CeeCee) OF THE WEEK If it were in the days of old, songs would
actually have been written and sung about the
man, Dino Melaye. They would call him the loud
politician who knows how to capitalise on
situations for personal gain when in reality he
wouldn’t have acted any different, the ex- legislator renowned for his physical
combativeness, the serial political party
switcher, and the self-confessed election
rigger. In light of the stunt he pulled last week, they’ll
also call him the erratic, foul-mouthed
leadership pretender. Melaye, an Action
Congress of Nigeria stalwart, who obviously
harbours hopes of standing for elections again
in the future, was asked by one of his followers on twitter to explain one of his many bumbling
positions. Rather than declining to respond or
doing so with grace befitting a leader, this was
his response: “You can take two liters of acid
and shut up.” Now pause for a moment and think about this:
If that man was a Jonathan or a Fashola, do
you think he would tolerate free speech or
criticism? A Pinch… doesn’t think so. For his
natural ability to surpass his previous levels of
silliness, Dino Melaye takes the CeeCee this week. Follow A Pinch…on twitter @stanleyazuakola

.......yeeess, we miss our first lady, can mommy come home now