The start of every relationship is always filled with the thrills of being in love and deep show of affection. This progresses in a healthy relationship drawing both parties closer and tightening the bond, but for an unhealthy one, this show of affection and attention soon becomes excessive and obsessive which are signs of abuse.

Usually, the abuser in an unhealthy relationship comes on very strong and loving to their partner, showing all the attention and acceptance that their partner desires. They typically would use the good part of the relationship to gain the trust and confidence of the victim before the abuse begins. Abusive partners are controlling, critical, aggressive, domineering, manipulative and always requesting that you do things against your will.

The warning signs are always there to tell when one is in the wrong relationship but some just choose to ignore these signs for obvious reasons, one of which is the fear of loosing their partner. If you find yourself in any of the following then the chances are you are in an abusive relationship:

• When you are constantly belittled

• Excessive jealousy by your partner

• When your partner becomes unnecessarily worried about what you're doing every moment of the day

• When you fear your partner to the point you have to watch what you say or talk about in order not to cause a fight

• When you find yourself giving in to your partner's demands to please him/her

• When you feel you are being used as a intimacy gadget

• When your partner blames his abusive behaviour on you, saying you always provoke him to that point where he hits you

• When you are physically abused

It is understandable that some people would do as much as to keep their relationship intact but a line needs to be drawn between what is acceptable and what constitutes an abuse. Love is a beautiful thing but when your sincere feelings are reciprocated with behaviours that leave you emotionally battered, torn apart, depressed and your self-worth destroyed, then this leaves much to be desired.

It is important to note here that, though this is common with women, they are not the only victims of relationship abuse, men also get abused especially verbally and emotionally. Abusive behavior is never acceptable no matter who it is coming from. No one should live in fear of the person they love. The Holy Book says "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear". Where there is a healthy relationship, there must be respect, trust, and consideration for the other person.

When you remain in an abusive relationship over a time, it affects your self-esteem to the extent that you begin to feel you are not good enough for your partner or any other person, you then start to see your abusive partner as the best choice for you since he/she is the only one who can tolerate you because you have come to accept the lie that you are the one with the problem. As long as you're not married, you have no business staying in a relationship where you are not valued or impacted positively. You have to snap back into reality that no one has any right over you hence cannot control your life. Whoever feels he can't be respected in a relationship except by controlling the other person is insecure in himself and is not yet mature for a relationship.

You need to break free from every form of abuse whether physical or emotional before you become psychologically affected. The first step is recognising you're in an abusive situation. Many victims normally would mistake the abuse for intense feelings of love or concern and this can be flattering knowing your partner is jealously guarding what he has in you but the truth is when jealousy becomes excessive and controlling, then it is no longer a show of affection. Some would even make excuses for their partner's abusive nature for fear of loosing him but the truth from the scripture is "None shall want her mate", that is what God is saying to you this moment. You are too precious to become a captive to the psychological problem of another person. You are fearfully and wonderfully made for someone out there who would recognise and appreciate the true worth in you.

You also need to recognise the place of choice in being free from the relationship. It was your choice that brought you into it and it is still your choice that would get you out of it. You have the power to make that choice. Take responsibility today for your life and your choices and become empowered. Never believe you don't have a choice because you do, and you deserve to be in the best of relationships.

In some extreme cases of abuse, where you have become entrapped due to threats, you need to work out your safe exit from such relationship, this is where the need to speak with a Counsellor, a Pastor or any other person you can confide in comes in. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Stop covering things up so you don't get destroyed; reach out to somebody and be guided into taking the right decision concerning your relationship.
(Bible ref. 1Jn 4:18 & Isa 34:16)

‎​Do you feel pressured to act violently towards your partner? Do you believe issues can only be resolved through aggression? Do you derive satisfaction from being mean to the one you claim to love? Do you believe your girlfriend or women generally always need a slap to put them back in their right senses when going off track? Have you discovered yourself manifesting any other traits of an abuser in a relationship? Then you need to seek help before its too late. There's nothing normal in any of the above behaviours, don't be deceived. Confide in someone, speak with a Counsellor and work yourself into becoming that great person you're meant to be.

.....flogun29@gmail.com, 21134157

Help a friend who is an abuser or a victim today. No one should live in fear of the person they love, perfect love casts out fear.

MY FORMER GF ALWAYS PUT ME TRU 'TESTS' BY BEING MANIPULATIVE AND A CONTROL-FREAK. DO U THINK I HAVE BEEN ABUSED?

Hi ichidodo, I wouldn't answer a yes or no to your question as it is not always right to pick a trait in somebody and conclude he/she is an abuser, its more than that. More so, if you say she did those things to test you then its possible those were not her true nature except that she might have gone overboard with it. We need to look at how you felt in the relationship, did you feel trapped, were there occasions you felt you were loosing it because of her? Did she also make you loose your respect before others? Did you talk it over with her, what was her response? Aside from just testing you, if in her bid to control you, she resorted to emotional intimidation and verbal threats to get you to do what she wanted then it might be okay to say she is an abuser but then a lot of other factors still need to be considered. I hope your new girlfriend isn't like her.

There ain't no way in hell I am gonna read all that

Thanks for this wonderful post. I wonder if you will like to guest post on my blog?

I write on relationships,, dating and marriage.

http://www.mynewhitmanwrites.com/

Hello Myne White, thanks for the offer, I wouldn't mind writing for your blog. How do we go about it?