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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Would You Call This Deceitful? (3901 Views)
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by EfemenaXY: 4:34pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: ![]() |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 4:35pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
Sisi_Kill: By the way Efe, I agree with you. . .no one can say another person's reason for not wanting to have kids is silly. Don't worry, by the time a second wife gives birth to triplets, the woman will want another child. #Rubbish. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by SisiKill1: 4:46pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji:Is this supposed to be some kinda threat? I mean so what happens. . .the woman drops dead?!! ![]() #VerySeriouslyConfused. 1 Like |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by UjSizzle(f): 4:46pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
I don't get why you're sounding like this Tunji. If a woman says she wants to have a life outside her family life, i think it's okay. She's got a career and a family to watch over; it's up to her to create a balance without letting anyone suffer. Lesser kids gives her time for work and still enough time to shower attention on the child or children. It's works differently for different people; while one woman can handle multiple kids and a career(depending on the career) doesn't mean another should be able to also. 1 Like |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by EfemenaXY: 4:49pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: Spoken by a truly primitive man at heart. You belong to the Middle Ages Mac. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by SisiKill1: 4:52pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
Nah, Uncle Mac is just "taking the extreme end of the argument to get the discourse going" . . . .I hope I got the phrasing right oh. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 4:55pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
Efemena_xy: Efemena, I am not pleased with you at all. I know you are a caring and dutiful wife and mother. Why are you giving advice on this thread that could wreck the homes of impressionable young women? The advice you're giving on this thread is the perfect recipe if there ever was one for a young wife to wreck her marriage and happiness. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 5:02pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
uj_sizzle: I don't get why you're sounding like this Tunji. If a woman says she wants to have a life outside her family life, i think it's okay. She's got a career and a family to watch over; it's up to her to create a balance without letting anyone suffer. Lesser kids gives her time for work and still enough time to shower attention on the child or children. It's works differently for different people; while one woman can handle multiple kids and a career(depending on the career) doesn't mean another should be able to also. I agree with you now but which sensible young wife says: Yes! I am not having any child again after this first one O and that is final! To even make it better, she planned "vision 4 kids" with her husband from the beginning of all the "I love you more than the BBM in my Blackberry" parole. Ladies, help me justify and understand it. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by EfemenaXY: 5:10pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: Mac did you get enough sleep last night? I mean really? So, my advising couples to only have kids they can adequately cater for is "recipe for wrecking their marriage and happiness"?? What happiness is there in having a batallion of kids you can't look after, let alone afford the price of garri or a basket of tomatoes at the market?? Are you not aware that kids are expensive?? Or you think it's okay to have them all now and then pray that some manna from heaven will help you feed them?? So, my advice is wrong - but you encouraging the man to take on a 2nd wife and have triplets with her is "recipe for a successful marriage and happiness"?? I laugh in Chinese! |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by UjSizzle(f): 6:52pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji:even you have to admit that every plan you make is still subject to change esp by unforeseen circumstances. Maybe her wanting just one after a promise of four is extreme and she has to also consider reaching a compromise with her husband keeping in mind the time constraint and financial constraint; but saying she's bad for changing her mind after BBM promises and whatever you're thinkin is plain silly. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 6:56pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
Efemena_xy: I am tempted to ask: how many kids do you have? Let's face it, the primary function that marriage serves for the overwhelming majority of young people that enter it is to have kid[b]s[/b] and nurture them in the best way possible. It is not to have one child and say no more! For all intent and purposes if you didn't stick to you and China's 1-child policy, you're talking nonsense here. How many a husband will be happy with only one child when he knows that he and his wife are okay and he is a responsible man? Which extended family will wish only one child for their son knowing that his wife is the obstacle. In fact, the woman might as well pack her bags and leave immediately, she would have evicted herself from her marriage. I never advised the man to marry a second wife but there is such a thing as cause and effect. By the way, who determines how many children the couple can afford? The wife? Efemena seriously? |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by busybee24: 7:34pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
You would think a responsible matured man would sit and have a conversation with his wife listen to the pros and cons of her views as opposed to grumbling to family members and all around. In regards to the post I think its beggars belief that any person out there should describe or determine the yardstick by which a woman determines to go about procreation. If she feels one kid is enough then so be it. If her husbands loves and understands the kind of women he married he would be in tune with her way of thinking. They say marriage is about compromise however it seems that compromise is only a thing that women are held to. Men often dont know the realities of taking care of children. especially most african men.. change nappies? God forbid, do homework? Absolutely Not, parent teacher meetings and play dates? all a womans role, get them ready for school?? nope..... all they do for the most part is run around with pride that yes they indeed have children. note i said most and not all because our nations seems divided across strict gender cultural lines. well if we are all for cultural rights as most men on this thread seem to grumble.. then as the woman is in charge of the kids surely her view counts for how many she wants? no? A career and good education are surely good reasons. Lets face it public schools? deplorable.. private schools?? ridiculously expensive and public universities here?? laughable.. out of date textbooks, equipment, overcrowding and not worth the paper they are printed on outside nigeria.. Seems like perfectly legit reasons to me,, just because they arent right for you doesnt mean that they arent right for others. tell your cousin to quit his wallowing.. grow some balls .. act like an adult and communicate with his wife 3 Likes |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 8:13pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
^LOL, the man is the Chief grumbler here. I only mentioned extended family because when a couple are in conflict, they almost certainly factor-in their individual family members' input as has happened here. So, tell me which member from her husband's family will our lovely wife sell this latest trend-setting one-child policy to? Let me suggest that she picks her Mother-in-law first. Silly me, I didn't realise that the most important things in life are Naira and Kobo. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by busybee24: 8:43pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
come again?? where in my message did i say money is the be all and end all. at the sametime lets not be foolish money is an important commodity in life nowadays,, if not why work you think a mother in laws input is important as to the amount of kids in a family.. cultural based ignorance is the downfall of our nature a man and woman leave their respective families and cleave to one another and in our oh so intelligent communities we bring the mother in law and other relatives to the mix #thirdworldproblems# #backwardness# #failure# #africanculturewoes# #lordhelpus# 1 Like |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by Nobody: 9:04pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
IfeLuvely: My cousin was just telling me that his wife deceived him. I asked him why he would say such a thing and he replied me that before they got married, they had always discuss having 4 children, but now the wife has refused to have any more children. So I called the wife and we were just gisting and then we started talking about the children issue, and she said she really meant it, because she did not realise so many things before having a kid. Meanwhile her first child is only 11months old. These are the reasons she gave for not wanting anymore kids, she said my aunty refused to come help her out when she had a baby that if it was my aunty's daughter, that would she not go and help her out with the baby no matter what? She said that she wants the best for her child e.g. private school etc and that if they have another child, affording a private education is just near to impossible, another reason she gave was that with another child, she won't be able to achieve all the things she wants to achieve, career wise that even right now she feels like her life is on hold, this person I am talking about is just 25 year of age. I have a 10months old baby as well but I still achieve and will keep achieving soo much with my son. There's no deceit here. Your cousin needs to chill out. His wife is still taking care of an infant and apparently is not having an easy time of it and he is already talking about going for another one? There is something to be said for timing. This is just not the right time to be pressuring her about having another one. The fact is she is just 25 and she still has a sh*tload of time to have multitudes of kids. What's the rush? Your cousin should first realize that her concerns are valid. He should next focus on the fact that those concerns can actually be addressed and likely resolved. Since she originally wanted 4 children she will likely change her mind when everything is settled in her mind. Her husband needs to give her time meanwhile he should work on making a strong economic and domestic case for having more children since those are her concerns. How much is he helping her day to day with the care of the child? What support is he providing in helping her get her career back on track? What financial clout is he demonstrating to ensure her that they can provide private education for their 4 kids? If he is not bothering himself with her concerns and he expects her to just keep dropping one child per year, he'd better wake up. Having and raising children is a big deal that requires good planning. 1 Like |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by Nobody: 9:05pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
busybee24: #thirdworldproblems# #backwardness# #failure# #africanculturewoes# #lordhelpus# Lmao ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() 1 Like |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 9:17pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
busybee24: come again?? where in my message did i say money is the be all and end all. at the sametime lets not be foolish money is an important commodity in life nowadays,, if not why work It is the inability to balance things that makes many marriages fail. A lot of men are deeply in love when they get married. The wife is all-so-aware of this and starts feeling like the boss- alienating family and friends especially from her husband's side whilst things are rosy. Wait! Two human beings especially husband and wife cannot stay together without conflict. The eyes of husband begins to clear and he begins to see many things are wrong with the relationship he has with his wife. The relationship is not balanced but skewed in her favour. He tries to reverse this but our dear queen wifey will have none of it. Conflict ensues, and we start reading stuff like: "the man I married has changed", "I think he his losing interest in me." As the crisis gets protracted, both parties remember that they have families. The husband seeks advice from "his people" whom wife had alienated with her "my marriage will be the sweetest thing ever approach". Of course, they will advice their son to "be the man of his house and take no rubbish". Wife will also meet her family especially her mother and sisters for advice. They may tell her to persevere (because they know her behavioural challenges all too well). Wifey is disappointed, she expected to be told that she's right with her approach to issues in her marriage. She becomes bitter and cannot learn to be submissive, she has always had her way. Husband too now wants to be the man who is in control. Is it not a matter of time before it all comes crashing down? |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 9:22pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
ileobatojo: This I can work with. However, the wife should stop spewing rubbish whilst she's at it. Blind solidarity does not help your cause as women. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by busybee24: 9:32pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: All i have to say is that if you lie with dogs dont be surprised at the fact that you will get up with fleas and for the rest facepalm |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by Nobody: 9:44pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: Different sides to the same coin. There's not much difference between what I said and what the other ladies you've been arguing with have said. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by Nobody: 10:04pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
why this topic has generated 2 pages is beyond me - before that child reaches 3 she will be begging her husband for another - chillax everyone - most first time mothers say this. My daughter is almost 2 and I am already picking names for the yet to be conceived second child ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() don't worry when this lady realises that the child needs a sibling no amount of NL debating will tell her to start taking folic acid |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by Nobody: 10:56pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
cotton101: why this topic has generated 2 pages is beyond me - before that child reaches 3 she will be begging her husband for another - chillax everyone - most first time mothers say this. My daughter is almost 2 and I am already picking names for the yet to be conceived second child Lol! So true! I was so shellshocked after my first and it took almost 5 yrs before I even started considering the second. Now, I'm willing to go for numbers 3 and 4! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by IfeLuvely: 11:14pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
As far as I know, the birth wasn not traumatic, and although she was a bit down after the birth, I honestly think she is better now and they are both Financially stable, the husband is an engineer and she is a pharmacist. They live in the UK and one of the paramount excuse that she is forever saying is do i know how much private schools costs in the UK? she said she is not prepare to send her son to a state run school, even though i believe state run schools in the UK are still as good as a private education. Also beforwe she got pregnant she started some training to qualify her to be a manager of the pharmacy she works, but since she got pregnant and went on maternity leave, her work place have sent someone else on these course, and she said imagine her having another kid, she might never make it to that managerial post debrief08: Before you ask if she is being deceitful please answer the following questions: |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 11:15pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
ileobatojo: There's a difference O. See how our dear Efemena has been promoting her "one-child" policy. @Cotton101, don't mind us. It's a test of wills between the two of us. She's preaching what she doesn't practice and I don't think that is fair at all on a public forum where some naive person may pick your points and start following it with dire consequences. That just ticked-me-off. Anybody can see that the wife is basically saying: "Dude! Give me a break... |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by EfemenaXY: 11:21pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
IfeLuvely: As far as I know, the birth wasn not traumatic, and although she was a bit down after the birth, I honestly think she is better now and they are both Financially stable, the husband is an engineer and she is a pharmacist. [b]They live in the UK and one of the paramount excuse that she is forever saying is do i know how much private schools costs in the UK? she said she is not prepare to send her son to a state run school, [/b]even though i believe state run schools in the UK are still as good as a private education. Your cousin makes a shi*t load of sense. Private Education is no mean feat and at nursery / primary level, you're looking at a cool £3500 average per term. Multiply that by 3 and you get what it costs for 1 year. Mind you, that excludes drama, sporting activities, music (instrumental lessons), school trips, insurance and school lunches. The cost of the uniforms (with the embeded school logo) will set you aside nothing less than £250 - £350 for the full kit. It's even more expensive at secondary school where you'd be looking at spending on average at the very least a cool £15K per year on JUST tuition. I should know 'cos we're currently down that route for our boys... |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by EfemenaXY: 11:28pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: Nope. What I promote and have been advocating here is for couples to have the number of kids they can adequately cater for. If you feel you can birth and give 20 kids a GOOD AND DECENT standard of living, then by all means go ahead and knock yourself out. At the end of the day, the most important factor that needs to be considered is the well being of the kids. I absolutely detest couples who breed like rabbits and "expect" the government and "well meaning" people to carry their burdens and sort out their mess. I can think of better ways to spend the Tax money I pay to HMRC!! Why should I pay out to scroungers?? |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by EfemenaXY: 11:47pm On Oct 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: Sorry, that's classified information and not for nland's consumption. The rest of your write up is just wacky stuff. Wait till you get married Mac. Then and then only would you understand the difference between reality and the fantasy world you live in. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by maclatunji: 12:02am On Oct 23, 2012 |
^LOL. Don't go preaching potential marriage breaking sermons jor. Whether you are married in Otukpo, Chelsea or Siberia. No sane person wants to have a failed marriage. The way to do that is to maintain balance. Forget money, what if the child decides that he wants a state run school? Where would all of Mommy's super planning go? Go and write a novel or something and stop having an e-debate with moi ![]() |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by busybee24: 1:01am On Oct 23, 2012 |
maclatunji: ^LOL. Don't go preaching potential marriage breaking sermons jor. Whether you are married in Otukpo, Chelsea or Siberia. No sane person wants to have a failed marriage. The way to do that is to maintain balance. Forget money, what if the child decides that he wants a state run school? Where would all of Mommy's super planning go? Surely you must be trolling and taking a piss... A child decides that they want to go to a state run school when faced with a private school? what are they retarded? lol 1 Like |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by SisiKill1: 2:35am On Oct 23, 2012 |
I am sorry but did I miss the memo where it says one child is a no no? ![]() ![]() IfeLuvely: As far as I know, the birth wasn not traumatic, and although she was a bit down after the birth, I honestly think she is better now and they are both Financially stable, the husband is an engineer and she is a pharmacist. They live in the UK and one of the paramount excuse that she is forever saying is do i know how much private schools costs in the UK? she said she is not prepare to send her son to a state run school, even though i believe state run schools in the UK are still as good as a private education. You honestly think she is doing better? Have you actually asked her how she is doing? How much do you know about postpartum depression? I think you need to tell your cousin to chill the eff out. Having and caring for a baby is hard even when you have your entire extended family around you not to talk of being in a foreign land where you are practically on your own and hubby probably thinks his own part of the child rearing at this stage is to hold the baby for the 30 secs or so it will take her to warm the bottle. She's 25 for goodness sake not 35!! ![]() |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by Nobody: 4:41am On Oct 23, 2012 |
Exactly Sisi Kill, she was down after the birth but you just think she is better. Have you spoken with her? Or because she is not your own relative just stand far away and judge her, call her decision deciet? I don't even understand your own in this matter, the child is just 11 months, as you said she was down after the birth, 11 months is too short to start thinking of another child, besides, she must be feeling cheated for missing out on a career opportunity. I shared here that my son came early while I was on site visits and I was really bitter and crying, not because I don't love my son or want him but I was just overwhelmed and sad.even I can't explain it but I was really sad for a while and am way older than your cousins wife. Instead of standing out and asking if she is decietful, get close to her and hear what she is really going through that is if you really care. This is a husband and wife issue and a man should be able to listen, and love his wife through these times not run and scream deciet to his relatives. Women react differently when faced with reality, she may have lived in the fantasy of many kids but after the stress she went through and faced with multiple bills now sacred out of her mind. I think hubby needs to be close and understanding of his wifes mind now, let the issue of a child be first, help his wife work on her fears, assure her he is there for her, love her out of the fear of the unknown. The reality hit her and made her afraid, and the husband should manage this fear not run to relatives to seek "support". She is 25 and a bit young in my books, I was married at 25 and the reality was really scary to me then, so much I didn't have the understanding to handle then, but now I know better. Please I know you are a lady, tell your cousin to love his wife out of her fear, this is not deciet she is making a decision based on fear. Calm her down and let her work out whatever is bothering her. |
Re: Would You Call This Deceitful? by Nobody: 6:23am On Oct 23, 2012 |
@Efe I want to be like you when I grow up. @topic Lmao@ him having a second wife that will bore him "extra" kids.....and we wonder why Nigeria is the way it is now. So if he marries a second wife her life will be over ni? She will kill herself eh kwa? Or she will lose out? Why did out parents send us to school if we cannot use the exposure education has brought to us over time to handle issues? Why do primitive men think that a man can make or break a woman? With all the supposed education? Let him go and marry again nawww. Don't I have a right to say and decide on what goes in and out of my body in cases where serious factors have been considered? |
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