slimyem: This comment on a certain thread and my own questions of what is and what should not be births this thread..

It was a response to how much one should tell a potential husband/wife.
We all have our pasts and have made series of mistakes but it sucks when they are used to judge us and a determinant of who gets to be in the future.
Although,i have my own opinions which is not leaving any part of one's past/hiding anything from a potential partner no matter how inconsequential it is....but i have also seen situations where one tells all and the guy/girl takes to his/her heels or its used against them in the most unpalatable ways.
.
I have a friend who had had about 3 abortions in school.She dated this guy and told him the truth to the letter.There was nothing he didn't call her and he went to lengths to slander her all over the place before he left.
Now,she's about getting married to some other guy and she has sworn not to tell him anything!
.
Another married friend with two kids now had a similar experience so she just didn't tell her husband anything about her previous abortion and they are happy together till date.
.
Now,this question goes to everyone married or not...
-How much do you think is too much to tell?
-When do you think its most appropriate to tell it all?
At the beginning of a relationship,before engagement or after engagement?
-What should or should not be left out?
To the married ones here,how much did you tell your spouse and when did you tell?

ifyalways: There are certain things you should never tell a man.some truths need to be told diplomatically.

If you have skeletons in your cupboard its always best to give a "hint" early in the relationship But that should be after you've studied your partner and come out convinced that s/he is worth telling.be brief, exclude details as much as possible. Example : when asked of your uni days and you've been a player, an answer like "I'm not a saint, I was young and did things that I'm not proud of ignorantly. I dated the wrong men for the wrong reasons then but in all, I thank God I'm now wiser". A good man would understand and either stay or leave.

Be honest but be mindful of some "truths" that hurt more than lies.

Wisdom!

davidylan:

this is a very bad example. I would be very suspicious on hearing this... i would rather a woman come clean 100%. Like you said, a good man would either stay or leave.

Subtext: Please see the story on this thread https://www.nairaland.com/1085611/quit-lying-intimate-past-does

But my general advise would be what most people today won't take anyway, and here goes :-

For ladies

If you are still young (like in your late teens), be decent, keep your legs closed. Just do it. All we guys are after is your woman hood to make us feel good with ourselves. We don't really care about you at that stage in life. We would use you and go brag about it to our friends later. If we did care, a girl who has slept with like 15, 20 or more guys in her 'playful' days shouldn't have any trouble getting a husband later. They should all be running after her, proposing marriage with the same sweet words they used when she was giving free. Guys are the biggest hypocrites in this regard, why because the inner man in every man actually wants a woman who has slept witha s few men as possible. YET we go about tryin to stick it every well rounded backside. TRUTH HURTS, DEAL WITH IT.

If you've lived a rough life in your past, UNLESS YOUR HUY SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW AND YOU KNOW THERE IS NO UNASSAILABLE EMBARRASMENT COMING LATER (from your past) LIKE A CHILD OUT OF WEDLOCK, YOU MUST TELL HIM ALL HE WANTS TO KNOW. THE EARLIER THE BETTER. Better not leave anything out. If you decide to have a NO tell policy, then do just that, BUT NO HALF TRUTHS. PLEASE. Half truths only add to the problem when discovered and believe a samrt guy will always discover them shortly. They call to question your 'changed status' and honesty-of-the-kind-fit-for-marriage.


GET RID of that thought that you can be a female player. There's no such thing. I don't care what cosmo and vogue tells you. Do i sound chauvinistic, well so be it. A player ALWAYS has bragging rights and respect, albeit foolishly, with his friends and sometimes even with other females. But a lady who opens it for every guy she fancies, HAS to do it in secrecy. She never goes about bragging about it (except maybe on anonymous forum like this), and even if she tells her female friends, sooner or latter such friends will still call her a slut behind her back. I ADDED THIS AST BIT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE STUCK IN THE 'TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL' ZONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.


FINALLY, i keep seeing posts on simillar topics which say a lady in a UNI who's less than 24 years of age still doesn't know what she wants yet, she's still a kid yada yada yada. SMH. Most of our moms had their first kids at or before that age, and both mother and kids turned out alright latter. the marriages also succeded. That you are a lady and in your early 20s, with Wiz-kid as your best artist and male role model, doesn't mean you should open it for any cute stud that asks.


TRUTH HURTS. You guys can insult o, I don't really care.

Subtext: Let me also add that when you are completely honest about your past from the onset, a guy worth having would love you the more for it and would easily build trust for you because of it. Granted he may not be happy with what you have to reveal, but when telling all, give the reasons for each F_Up and how you've learned your lesson and become wiser because of it. Dont tell of how you straffed 35 guys in your UNI days with a smug face like its some kind of achievement that you are secretly proud of. He'll likely detect that (pride) and run for his dear life and dignity. Leave the 'player' mentality for foolish men who have issues to pursue.

eddy1977:




Typical african villager. Talked only about how the woman should keep her wildness down. But forgat to counsel men to stop sleeping around.

When you say: all we want is our own satisfaction; please say that about yourself,dont imply everybody.

Counsel your own daughters,and siblings. If a girl wants to play,it's none of your business.

eddy1977:

What is this guy talking about?
Is it all about what girls did in their previous relationships? Dont you think most girls would also want the man to keep his pants zipped?

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Can a Moderator get rid of this garbage? This troll spams every thread that has to do with trust, and marriage issues!

dj militant: @ijebabe this your story shocked me to the marrow, tell your friends to talk now before its to late,karma is a bit...ch.i also hope you do not tow this line.

Subtext:

Guy calm down. Have you really heard about a girl who fell in love with a guy, was ready to marry him, but decided against it simply because she found out he used to be a player? Think about it. Girls/ladies crave to find a player they can turn to a single-woman-man. Wooo! Now I know I must be really killing you. Messing up your little lets-not-rock-the-boat-and-start-a-gender-war mentality that has most of the world in bondage. So does this mean its ok for guys to play around? OFCOURSE NOT. like I said, and I'm really serious here, i dont play around. How many threads have you seen started with a guy wondering howmuch he should reveal? Women usually don't care as long as they love the guy, he loves them, and they believe he has changed. Finito!

Let me just repeat for emphasis, that I don't think guys should play around, its an empty way to approach life. Are you better now?

I hate to sound condemning (if I do) but we need to tell speak the truth and more of it, so people learn. kapische?

rhemaplus: If the subject is truly sorry for his/her past then there is nothing too much to tell. If u are secretive about it and it eventually boomerangs, what would be ur fate? The world is a very small world, if u think he would never know and he ends up knowing, what will u do? Have u also consider an extent a blackmailer can go. It is too risky a thing to do. Will u prefer to lose him/her now or 2days to wedding/2years after wedding? Would u allow him/her to decide now or live to distrust u after marriage? Seal ur fate, once and for all. If he leaves u, then all well and good; perhaps, that's the little pain u need to suffer too for ur error of the past. Timing and wisdom are also important in this, u may take time to pschoanalyse the person, use different analogies to convey ur message, use a third person pronoun instead of first and watch his reaction, seek for signs, ask him indirectly like what of if I had had abortions before, will u still go ahead with me? Don't just burst it, be wise about it. If eventually, he leaves, then look to God and be hopeful because there is definately somebody, somewhere that will love you, cherish you for who you are only.

eddy1977:


First of bro,we r not fighting.we r exchanging opinions and learning from each other s stand point of view. Sorry if one of my expressions was not appropriate.

I see the logic behind your texts and i respect it. My point was mainly about your obsession with giving advices to girl.

Like you i have also seen more female private parts than most gynecologist,but now i go to church,i have cooled down.

Subtext:

Have you really heard about a girl who fell in love with a guy, was ready to marry him, but decided against it simply because she found out he used to be a player? Think about it.

Girls/ladies crave to find a player they can turn to a single-woman-man.

How many threads have you seen started with a guy wondering howmuch he should reveal?

Women usually don't care as long as they love the guy, he loves them, and they believe he has changed. Finito!

I hate to sound condemning (if I do) but we need to tell speak the truth and more of it, so people learn. kapische?

slimyem: That you haven't heard doesn't mean it hasn't happen.Maybe not as much as the vice-versa of it but it does happen.Get out of that small place! Silly generalisation!! Wow!
How many of these kind of thread have you seen around?
Does this thread come across to you as gender specific?
...or you think there aren't men who have terribly and unpalatable pasts they are not proud of?
I addressed the thread from a woman's point of view and what i know suddenly means the nonsense below? Mr man,i'm sorry but much of what you have said is lopsidedly myopic and paints you as slightly chavaunistic!!
No offence meant!

Subtext:

None Taken. Yaaawwn. I'll turn in now, got work tomorrow. It's good you've read my chauvinistic post though. Cheers.

slimyem: Yeah..i have read and discarded it.
So many other insightful and balanced posts i have learnt from on this thread too...
Goodnight!!

Subtext:

[s]Slimyem dear, why are you rantng like a little spoilt brat? [/s]

Anyway, since you say you've read all the posts, did you notice how practically ALL the men (male responses) said the lady ought to reveal while practically ALL the female responses said ' the past is in the past'?

I wasalready asleep but the force of your goodnight woke me up! Please don't do that again, ok. nite nite dear.

Siena:

Can a Moderator get rid of this garbage? This troll spams every thread that has to do with trust, and marriage issues!

baby_123: Having a damaged womb or being sterile and marrying someone that wants kids is wrong. Lying that you are a virgin when you are not is wrong. Matter of fact you have no business being with someone that wants certain requirements when you know that you don't have it. This is why you date, and get to know people. You should marry someone that will be accepting of you and whatever flaws may come with it. Outright deception on verifiable things are just wrong wrong wrong.looool.

dayokanu:

I thought yesterday you were saying partners shouldnt open up to their fiancee about their spouses?

OP I would rather open up and deal with the consequence now and even break up if need be than later for the man to find out

One of my dads friend at over 50 found out that his wife of over 25yrs had a child before they got married. The child called his MIL last born was actually his wifes first born she had as a 17yr old secondary school girl

baby_123:

What about a good man? Isn't he obliged to tell his whole past, including any past misdeeds like rape or physical abuse? Afterall who will stay, will stay. If you want to dig, give two shovels let the couple dig every damn thing out. Including booty calls, two-timing and other things which you have even done behind the girls back now, abi? Afterall honesty is the best policy. She is obliged to also know your 2nd and 3rd options.

waice6571:
What if the relationship in question is another mistake in the making?

baby_123: Answer this post let me guage the level of your hypocrisy first. Am curious:

baby_123:

What about a good man? Isn't he obliged to tell his whole past, including any past misdeeds like Molestation or physical abuse? Afterall who will stay, will stay. If you want to dig, give two shovels let the couple dig every damn thing out. Including booty calls, two-timing and other things which you have even done behind the girls back now, abi? Afterall honesty is the best policy. She is obliged to also know your 2nd and 3rd options.