In light of your failure in
recent years to nominate
competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective
immediately. (You should look
up 'revocation' in the Oxford
English Dictio
nary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and
territories (except North
Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister,
David Cameron, will appoint a
Governor for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded. A questionnaire
may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown dependency, the
following rules are introduced
with immediate effect: --------------- -------- 1. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as
'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be
expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). --------------- --------- 2. Using the same twenty-
seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as ''like'
and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted
to take into account the
reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' --------------- ---- 3. July 4th will no longer be
celebrated as a holiday. --------------- -- 4. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using
guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for
shooting grouse. If you can't
sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. --------------- ------- 5. Therefore, you will no
longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. Although a permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public. --------------- ------- 6. All intersections will be
replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on
the left side with immediate
effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the
British sense of humour. --------------- ----- 7. The former USA will adopt
UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling gasoline) of
roughly $10/US gallon. Get
used to it. --------------- ---- 8. You will learn to make real
chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips,
and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar. --------------- ---- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth,
only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. South
African beer is also acceptable,
as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
the British Commonwealth -
see what it did for them.
American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion. --------------- ------ 10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell
attempt English dialect in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was
an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a
cheese grater. --------------- ------ 11. You will cease playing
American football. There is
only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American
football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------- ------ 12. Further, you will stop
playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a
game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is
a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South
Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. --------------- ----- 13.. You must tell us who
killed JFK. It's been driving us
mad. --------------- -- 14. An internal revenue agent
(i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 p.m. with
proper cups, with saucers, and
never mugs, with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!