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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Just Relax With These New Jokes (1583 Views)
Guys Relax With This Joke / Some Funny Pictures To Help You Relax After Work / Just Relax With These Pics! (2) (3) (4)
Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 11:58pm On Dec 03, 2012 |
hope you like them A guy goes into the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" > > "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." > > The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" > > The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." > > The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. You are hired. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M". > > The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?" > > "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that." |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 12:00am On Dec 04, 2012 |
------------------------------------ > > >Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of> > > > >you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The> > > > >Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,> > > > >except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing> >to> > > > >forgive your enemies?" > > > > >"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.> > > > >"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"> > > > >"Ninety-eight," she replied. > > > >"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us> >> > >all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an > >enemy> > > > >in the world?" > > > > >The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced > >the> > > > >congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches." > 1 Like |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 12:14am On Dec 04, 2012 |
Here's a poem written by an African Shakespeare Dear White fella, Couple things u should know When i born. i black when i grew up i black when i go in sun, i black when i cold, i black when i scared, i black when i sick, i black & when i die, i black u white fella when u born, u pink when u grow up, u white when u go in sun, u red when u cold, u blue when u scared, u yellow when u sick, u green & when u die, u grey & u have the cheek to call me 'coloured' ================ |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 12:17am On Dec 04, 2012 |
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says.................. "Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard." " You can fool some of the people all of the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on. 1 Like |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Nobody: 9:10am On Dec 04, 2012 |
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Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by ARareGem(f): 9:24am On Dec 04, 2012 |
Actually liked the explanation on the last joke. Buh mincuu's right, don't explain your jokes. |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 6:30pm On Dec 04, 2012 |
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?” Wife: I really don’t think I should say. Husband: How about a diamond ring? Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds. Husband: well, then, a mink coat? Wife: You know I do not like furs. Husband: A golden necklace? Wife: I already have three of them. Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want? Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much. |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 6:49pm On Dec 04, 2012 |
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by realsammie(m): 7:00pm On Dec 04, 2012 |
nice jokes there esp the animal tin |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 7:16pm On Dec 04, 2012 |
its Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the man without hesitation. He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber. There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse." |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 7:28pm On Dec 04, 2012 |
Bill catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive. Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again. A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank. He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a Mouth Action. The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab. Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a Mouth Action for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out. So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away. As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up… |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 7:30pm On Dec 04, 2012 |
after every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = The problem logged by the pilot) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers) P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. 1 Like |
Re: Just Relax With These New Jokes by Ozegbe(m): 7:41pm On Dec 04, 2012 |
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two?' |
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