(future) parents please learn from stories like this to have less children than you can comfortably cater for.

with GOD all thongs are possible

E nor easy

Kobojunkie:

All that na lie una dey like tell una self. I am the first child of 6 myself and I bear no such responsibilities as a result of my position in the house. I live my life and help out when I can. You taking it on your person to do this and that for so and so has nothing to do with position but just the burden YOU HAVE chosen of your own to bear. My friend is the second to last in a family of 4 and helps out the most in that family -- helps with parents bills, welfare etc.

You folks should stop looking for ways to make all these out-dated and meaningless thinking continue into the future. It has nothing to do with position but compassion on the part of the fellow/lass.

It is very true. This is not out-dated thinking. Unless you care less, growing up as the first born with siblings coming under you. All eyes will be on you to excel so u can help train the younger ones. Its a life experience.Especially when one parent isn't any more (father or mother) and siblings still under age.

Hmmmmm! I feel u @op, its never easy being compelled to live ur life odas but d biggest challenge comes wen d sibs are ill mannered, will not hesitate to fight u if scolded, despite d fact they are very far juniors. Wht would u do??

patttcom:

It is very true. This is not out-dated thinking. Unless you care less, growing up as the first born with siblings coming under you. All eyes will be on you to excel so u can help train the younger ones. Its a life experience.Especially when one parent isn't any more (father or mother) and siblings still under age.

All that na out-dated thinking. Ask first-borns out there who have siblings but simply live their own lives with no such burdens. A first-born deciding to carry such burden is NOT MANDATED anywhere, not even in the Bible. That burden is simply one that anyone(first, last, middle) can choose to take upon self, and there are many who have completely refused and are living their lives with no qualms. So telling you us that choosing to carry a burden(of your own volition) makes you special is, to me, signs of inferiority complex of some sort.

I have a friend who has a sort of savior complex as well. He is in fact the fourth child but he seems to get himself involved in most everyone's affairs in the family. His own wife finds it exhausting but she has almost reached her wits end with this behavior of his. He almost seems to want to be involved in it all that he barely has time for his own immediate family(wife and kids). You need to hear him talk/boast of how he is responsible for keeping his family together and making sure everyone is alright. He even boasts of how if not for him, his senior brother would not have had a wedding as good as the one he did. Get him drunk and he might go on and on about how they would not all have survived without him. It is sad to listen to because in all this man does not understand that it is not by force to help.

I mean what should we do in the case that a junior sibling, or more, turns out more successful than the first? Should the first still feel BURDENED?? Abeg, make we cut the crap already . . it is 2012.

Jeez..... very exhausting !

The number of children is another condition I would NEVER want to compromise. My wife to be has to agree with the proposed number of children we're to have, 2 IMO. Four is too much haba?!

@OP, I agree with Kobojunkie on this one. Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You need to get yourself straight and figure out why you seem to be burdened. Is it because your parents have always told you growing up that you have to be the one to carry the burden or is it that you happen to have a generous heart and can't see your mom and siblings suffer? That's the question. Because, if you pass tomorrow due the worries you seem to show in your post, life will continue without you and your help. Your mom and siblings will cry for a couple of days. That's it. If fact that is even if they appreciate what you may consider you are doing for them.

I AM A FIRST CHILD TOO WITH FOUR OTHER SIBLINGS. I HAVE SUFFERED BUT I READ BOOKS AND THAT CHANGE MY THINKING AND THING START CHANGING FOR BETTER. I REALLY APPRECIATE GOD FOR THIS. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CREATE AND KNOW WHAT YOU WANT I MEAN YOUR BIG DREAM. THEN CONSIDER UR RESOURCES I MEAN TIME, INCOME THEN DESIGN YOUR STEPPING DREAM THAT WILL LEAD YOU TO UR BIG DREAM. TAKE NOTE OF THE FOLLOWING U CANT TAKE CARE OF YOUR YOUNGER ONES NOW because WHAT U DONT HAVE U CANT GIVE. WE HAVE BRAINS ON NAIRALAND CONSULT THEM FOR MORE ADVICE.

As a first son, it is my responsibility to help cater 4 my younger ones. God in his infinite wisdom made me the first and as i always believe, He would not allow any problem that is too much 4 me to bear to befall me. That is why most first sons r very responsible people, they need to be cos of the task ahead of them. So if u find urself in this position, take it as a rare privilegde to serve ur family, do all u can to help out 4 that is ur calling, u r a leader, and a leader is a servant to the lead. Embrace it and God will see u through

Kobojunkie: @Poster, you need a serious re-orientation here. You, like millions of Nigerians, are stuck believing that there is a manual when it comes to how to achieve happiness, that you probably fail to step back and enjoy what you have in your love right now. That is a quick way to failing in life.

There is no straight template when it comes to happiness, and there is no rule on how old you need to be to get one thing or another. You don't have money saved up for marriage at 28, so what? What stops you from saving up by the age of 35 or even 42 for marriage? So you don't have a galfriend at the age of 28? So what? What stops you from getting one by age 51, or before? or even after that? You don't have a house built by age 28, na by force? Where is it written that you must build a house by then or . . . ? I suggest you go back and think again on what it means to live. I don't see what your being the first child has to do with anything. Thinking that way reveals firsthand that you have no clue what life is, still.

So you have had a job for 2 years,great. Keep working hard and make sure to enjoy life even as you work. And when I say enjoy life, I don't mean the stu_pid nonsense that passes for enjoyment in Nigeria. I am talking even of the simple things like enjoying food, breathing in fresh air, enjoying the scenery, spending time with your mother and siblings and enjoying each other's company the much you can. So many of those whom you probably envy do not have such luxuries. Many of them have no option but to keep working like dogs to maintain what they have so far acquired. Many of them are happy but they know what they had to pay for it. So, before it is your turn, learn to enjoy yourself where you are, on the way to where you are going and stop throwing yourself pity parties and worrying over nothing. Like the bible says, no amount of worrying will make things happen.

Wise words!

The problem is that everything is easy in theory but not easy in practice.

Qustion: Where / How do you learn to "enjoy yourself where you are"? They neither taught us at school nor at home.

Billyonaire: First son of my parents here, its not quite easy, even if you can handle the financial aspects, its not quite easy settling disputes among siblings, telling mom she is wrong in certain reactions, its cumbersome having to note that 10 people depend on you solely for supports. With about 3 going through expensive schooling. It is never easy. I figured out that paid employment won't. Cut it for me, it drove me into enterpreneurship. The responsibilities defined who I am today, and OP be the machine that I am, sleep is forbiddened. And u will make it great. First borns are the best in courage, patience and perseverence.

Is it what you want to be? Are you happy?

.

bukatyne: at OP, i understand what you re goin thru n i pray things get better. however, it's d duty of parents to provide for their kids and when one parent pass on, d other automatically takes over although they might not be able to fully cope wit d resulting expenses. there is a situation i term 'playing God in a situation' and that's what you re doin. u have your destiny to fulfill and living ur family's life is not an excuse. About u posters ve mentioned that ur family ll survive wit or witout u. i wouldn't be surprised if some of ur siblings re faring better than u currently. i'm not saying u shouldn't help (it'll be wrong not to) but be WISE. humans re funny! 2moro they'll ask u wat u were doing while working. Live ur life to d fullest else u'll become very bitter when u don't fulfil some of your dreams b'cos of dem. it's well wit u. P.S. this is why women should be empowered to be able to provide for their children when their husbands re gone

once women get empowered, they have to suffer like the fellow guys here. talking from experience ...

sometimes you're proud of taking care of your family , you feel joy seeing them happy and you can't stand it when they are unhappy, but sometimes there is this feeling that you should live your life, too, and that it is impossible to start one's own family when having to take care of elders and siblings. what is even worse is the fact that as a a woman you need to be more careful not to miss the point when it's too late. the point occurs more quickly.

carefreewannabe:
Wise words!
The problem is that everything is easy in theory but not easy in practice.
Qustion: Where / How do you learn to "enjoy yourself where you are"? They neither taught us at school nor at home.

I think anyone who asks such a question needs to slow down, and think. When you ask another human being where/how to learn to enjoy YOUR OWN LIFE you make a mistake. A friend of mine puts it this way . . . you should not try to check your life's clock using someone else's watch.
Your life is not theirs so how in the world is this third-party to know how to answer this question for you? You are the one in charge of your life and you are the only one to DISCOVER what it is you like, enjoy doing and make time to do more of it?
If you find peace lying out in the sand on the beach somewhere watching the blue sky, then go for it, if it is your thing. Don't wait for someone to come sanction it before you decide you should do more of it for your own peace of mind and happiness. There are way too many zombie-individuals out there whose idea of fun is somehow linked to what their peers suggest should be fun or happiness, it is sad. And in Africa we have loads of those . . . non-creative minds floating all over the place creating more problems than solutions for their own lives and the Nation as a whole.

For me,my satisfaction comes from the financial/emotional support that I give my four younger ones and my mum. I honestly don't think the responsibility should be a source of unhappiness for you. At least the kids will not be dependent on you forever so just chill and concentrate on the positive side. I always make sure my younger ones CONCENTRATE on their studies as I finance it; they know they would have to stand up for themselves at some point in the future... no tire o oga.

No challenges at all. . . . . EVERYONE IS SELF-SUFFICIENT. . . .
We were raised to motivate each other. . . not to role model each other!
No competition. . .NO RIVALRY. MY PARENTS PREPARED FOR THEIR OLD AGES. . . WITHOUT BURDENING THEIR CHILDREN!
My parents were not LOCAL. . . .they never made comparisons with one child against another.
THEY DID NOT OPEN THEIR AZZES AND BRING FORTH INTO THE WORLD CHILDREN TO SLAVE FOR OTHERS IN ABJECT POVERTY, OR WITH THE DISGUSTING POLYGAMOUS. . .DOG-EAT-BYTCH 'crab bucket' of rivalling siblings. . . .aka BORN HERE. . . SCATTER NYANSH THERE
Moreover. . . there is just 5 years between us all. . . . and too close to and in love with each other TO CARE!

Lessons. . . life is a code! Teach your children well!!! THE BEST EXAMPLES START WITH YOU!!! BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR NYANSH. . . PLAN!!!!

I looooooooooooooooooooove this song!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkaKwXddT_I


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFeP-qpYFyk


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvJwgF8FE44

jerk: Pls dnt loose hope bt continue wt ur struggle at least for ur mum who's a widow. Dnt abandon them bcus u ar their hope nw,ur nw like a father to them.
God is seeing u and wl always provide for u so that u wl hv enough to offer to them.
Am the first issue bearing all the burden of my family,my parents are alive bt too old nw. I cather for my elder sister and her children cus her husband is dead,also for my younger sister who is still jobless after five years of graduating. Her husband lost his job and they hv bn living frm hand to mouth,i also assist them. I work bt my monthly pay is nothing to write home abt yet I dnt know hw am still able to cope.
I somethings bcame angry wt them bt each time I did,my mind wl never rest and I wl still reach out to them wen the situation bcame worst for them.
Am even older than u bt nt yet married bt am planning to do it soonest. Upon all my expenses,i still hv enuf to save yet I dnt know hw that is possible bt only God knows.
@op, pls dnt abandon them bcus soonest u wl see urself in a better condition than this.

God is not a man that he should lie.There is he that scattereth yet gathereth.

Mine is the worst. I'm 33 yrs old and 3rd born in the family. I graduated in 2007 & also doing an MBA. Our mother died when I was 9 yrs she left me with my 4 siblings. I'm not the first, but the first is a lady who later died and left 2 kids. our second born also lady who is married with 6 children her husband is irresponsible who later fled and left her with the children, I shoulder some of their responsibilities.
My father who is above 70 yrs married another wife who now has 5 children. I now have 8 siblings. I provide them with food cloths and school fees 100%. 2 are house wives (who somehow depends on me ), 1 in university 2 in secondary school, 3 in primary school and the last born is 3 yrs old.
I started working with a private firm 2 years ago but I can't save anything. I want to get married but I can't I rarely have a serious relationship. The burden is too much. The part of it my father is still giving giving birth while my brother in university (who I was hoping if he graduate he will help matters) spilled over as a result of losing focus by being an addict to indian hemp.

yahyus: Mine is the worst. I'm 33 yrs old and 3rd born in the family. I graduated in 2007 & also doing an MBA. Our mother died when I was 9 yrs she left me with my 4 siblings. I'm not the first, but the first is a lady who later died and left 2 kids. our second born also lady who is married with 6 children her husband is irresponsible who later fled and left her with the children, I shoulder some of their responsibilities.
My father who is above 70 yrs married another wife who now has 5 children. I now have 8 siblings. I provide them with food cloths and school fees 100%. 2 are house wives (who somehow depends on me ), 1 in university 2 in secondary school, 3 in primary school and the last born is 3 yrs old.
I started working with a private firm 2 years ago but I can't save anything. I want to get married but I can't I rarely have a serious relationship. The burden is too much. The part of it my father is still giving giving birth while my brother in university (who I was hoping if he graduate he will help matters) spilled over as a result of losing focus by being an addict to indian hemp.

Why don't you let your father carry his own burdens? I mean People, life is not for you to come play SAVIOR. I have noticed that when it comes to a lot of Nigerians I know, there is that SAVIOR-COMPLEX going on with people thinking that even before settling their own lives and building some solid foundation under their own feet, they need to jump in to save their father and mother,siblings included . . .you have your own burden to bear and it does not even seem you have started carrying your own since you are busy carrying everyone elses. Do you truly believe you can help others when you yourself are in need of help? If your father is still having kids, does that tell you that he needs your help?

carefreewannabe:

Wise words!

The problem is that everything is easy in theory but not easy in practice.

Qustion: Where / How do you learn to "enjoy yourself where you are"? They neither taught us at school nor at home.

As an adult, if you don't know how to enjoy yourself...just take a little but of ganja and all your worries will disappear!

Thank me later

yahyus: Mine is the worst. I'm 33 yrs old and 3rd born in the family. I graduated in 2007 & also doing an MBA. Our mother died when I was 9 yrs she left me with my 4 siblings. I'm not the first, but the first is a lady who later died and left 2 kids. our second born also lady who is married with 6 children her husband is irresponsible who later fled and left her with the children, I shoulder some of their responsibilities.
My father who is above 70 yrs married another wife who now has 5 children. I now have 8 siblings. I provide them with food cloths and school fees 100%. 2 are house wives (who somehow depends on me ), 1 in university 2 in secondary school, 3 in primary school and the last born is 3 yrs old.
I started working with a private firm 2 years ago but I can't save anything. I want to get married but I can't I rarely have a serious relationship. The burden is too much. The part of it my father is still giving giving birth while my brother in university (who I was hoping if he graduate he will help matters) spilled over as a result of losing focus by being an addict to indian hemp.

Yours is very serious. I almost found myself in same family burden until I saw my ganja elder brother, enjoying with his wife and five kids almost every weekend at d beach. Guess where the money was coming from? There and then I put a stop to it, I have my own life to live. What I discover was that.... They ( even with 8 kids) love their condition the way it is. If you are not there, they will still survive. Every man for himself! Except situation critical. Don't kill yourself for others, you will be shocked how they will survive without you and might even label you the witch that stopped their progress

Kobojunkie:

Why don't you let your father carry his own burdens? I mean People, life is not for you to come play SAVIOR. I have noticed that when it comes to a lot of Nigerians I know, there is that SAVIOR-COMPLEX going on with people thinking that even before settling their own lives and building some solid foundation under their own feet, they need to jump in to save their father and mother,siblings included . . .you have your own burden to bear and it does not even seem you have started carrying your own since you are busy carrying everyone elses. Do you truly believe you can help others when you yourself are in need of help? If your father is still having kids, does that tell you that he needs your help?

I'm sorry what most of us here have failed to divulged is that some of those people in one very negligible way or the other contributed to our growth, no matter how little.

You see, something we still enjoy out here is the communal living, without which things would have been more awry. Let me concede things were even more complicated in the past when it was a whole community or family training a child and such a child inturn trained other community/family children. What makes the situation we have now rather laborious is the austerity we are currently facing. If not I don't see any big deal in footing my brother's tuition or giving him start up.

BTW, I think nairaland is a community too, atleast we have a platform where we can blow off steam! IMO,OP is not gonna stop doing what he's doing until he's fulfilled, he just wanted to "blow off steam". Thanks ya'll for being there.

I used to be the 2nd in a family of 7 children ,i and my senior brother works but my senior brothers business wasn't moving well so i seem to be the only one helping out in the family problems like raising up our remaining 5 siblings because our parents are really poor.it bothers me sometimes. All of a sudden one day my senior Brother went to sleep and didn't wake and it seems that i am the only one left to be taking care of all those problems .This is taking a big toll on me.since then i hardly make any savings and I'm 32 and not yet married which is becoming a bit late.Even though it pains me sometimes when i feel that all this other problems are withholding my main goals in life,I've learn't to take things one at a time and appreciate the Living and life itself.You will never know what you have in your Family until you loose it.Saving is very important but i feel that taking care of the family is more important.Work,take care of your family and put all those problems you couldn't solve into perspective and hand it over to God.Trust me with time it will take care of itself.God have a way of working.Learn to live and enjoy life with those around you.There is always hope where there is life

I am the first of six. My father passed on years ago when I was just in 100level at the university. And before any of my sibling could enter the university. Although, I was working as casual, through act of sacrifice I managed to support my family and support my brodas when they got admission into the university. Along the line, two of my youngest sibling got a very low-paying job and they began to take care of themselves, a sister and a mum even though any financial need above N10,000 will be referred to me. I managed to finish my B.Sc, Finishing School and i am about to conclude a Master Degree. Luck came in 2008 after 6 years of casual work on a salary scale of N22,500. Although, with N22,500, i was able to get a room apartment for myself while I paid my parent rent and support the first of my brothers that enter UNILORIN. He graduated this year. The second one will graduate from UNILORIN next year.Today, with a moderate income the challenge is never ceasing but one thing i have learnt is "You have to pay your self first - a defined salary" once you get paid at work. I started this two years ago. And it has perfectly worked for me. Four years ago a very younger brother and I contributed for a year to set up our mum to sell food provisions so that she will be able to take care of herself and our last born. It worked. I am not rich however I am satisfied that God used and helped me to help my siblings. The down side is my relationship with ladies, they think i am stingy so i hardly keep a girlfriend. I dont know why girls are always hyper-interested in material things today. However, i am happy that I am doing my bit to help ma family. Coming from a royal family (extended family) that cherishes education it would have become an undoing not to support my siblings.
If you are in that shoe today, you have got to learn how to functionally redistribute ur income to urself and ur dependents. I hope u will learn somthing from my own experience.

U r not alone!

U certainly got awesome advice here and I hope u will take them to heart. Consider urself privileged to be as educated as u are. What u were not in the position to even help?

Also ask for grace and favour from the almighty to fulfill ur duty joyfully. There is a reward for it.

@poster u should even be thankful to god that u av a job to take care of them..im also in ur shoe and stil in my final year now and now i can't even think of any better thing than to make my family happy in life...be grateful to god that even atleast u av not disappointed ur immediate family...MY BROTHER THAT'S THE GREATEST THING IN THIS LIFE .

Kobojunkie: @Poster,
There is no straight template when it comes to happiness...

You have a clue.

Nice reply.

carefreewannabe:

once women get empowered, they have to suffer like the fellow guys here. talking from experience ...

sometimes you're proud of taking care of your family , you feel joy seeing them happy and you can't stand it when they are unhappy, but sometimes there is this feeling that you should live your life, too, and that it is impossible to start one's own family when having to take care of elders and siblings. what is even worse is the fact that as a a woman you need to be more careful not to miss the point when it's too late. the point occurs more quickly.

Dear,it's teh duty of parents to sweat for their kids. I wasn't referring to the girl-child but the mother. What will the mother be doing when the son is breaking his back providing for the family?

The fact that everybody look up to you, plus you are an example to your siblings, sometimes when you have some setbacks they learn from you and if you are the type that has a very good life, you are the standard for measuring how you younger ones are faring. In ma case, it has been a very huge moral responsibility.

seunajia:

I'm sorry what most of us here have failed to divulged is that some of those people in one very negligible way or the other contributed to our growth, no matter how little.

Having others contribute even in significant ways to your life is no unique thing to Nigeria or the Nigerian environment.

seunajia:
You see, something we still enjoy out here is the communal living, without which things would have been more awry. Let me concede things were even more complicated in the past when it was a whole community or family training a child and such a child inturn trained other community/family children. What makes the situation we have now rather laborious is the austerity we are currently facing. If not I don't see any big deal in footing my brother's tuition or giving him start up.

Communal living is not unique to the Nigerian environment, so stop believing that somehow the Nigerian situation is UNIQUE in some way. It is practiced everywhere on the planet, especially in the western world where individuals, organizations and companies are strongly urged to contribute to the development in their locale and the world at large.
Siblings all around the world also feel the sense of responsibility towards their own blood and most certaining go all out to help when they need to.

Blaming austerity for this man's poor choices, that has led him to feeling miserable in his own life is denying what is right in front of you. This young man has refused, I say refused to carry his own burdens and instead chosen to carry that of others, while his burdens sit in the corner waiting and weighing miserably on him and it's not like he is doing a great job handling the burdens he has taken on. He is not able to save for the future of himself or even his family . . . if he drops dead tommorow, that is it, they will find another person to heap their heavy load on and this will be the story of yet another man who accomplished near nothing . . not even happiness.

What this man needs is to drop his savior complex and carry the load he was designed to, and in the long run, he will be better able to help himself and others after, not before.