Mr. Akpors - Jokes Etc (9) - Nairaland
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| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 3:10pm On Oct 23, 2013 |
A married woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with akpors. She then heard her husband coming.. She told her akpors to stay like a robot and not to move. Husband : What is this ? Wife : This is a robot i bought to have sex with me whenever you travel…. Husband : Okay.. Lets have sex now…. Wife : No sweetheart.. Yesterday i got my period, so i will go and mix some drinks for you.. After she left the husband said : Damn i am so Hot, i will Bleep this robot… He tried to Bleep akpors, akpors replies in a metallic robotic way: "System error Wrong hole! System error Wrong hole!! Husband : Damn robot is not working properly.. I am throwing it out of the window.. Akpors realizing that he was on the 20th floor, he said : "SOFTWARE UPDATED" "PLEASE TRY AGAIN" 2 Likes |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 10:54am On Oct 29, 2013 |
Akpos was eating bread in the dream, after he finished eating it, he saw a coconut and decided to eat it too but he didn't see knife to cut it, so he decided to use his teeth only to receive a slap from his father! U DON FINISH PILLOW,NA MY HEAD U COME DEY BITE IDIOT! |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by blacksta(m): 10:55am On Oct 29, 2013 |
lil jboy: Akpos was eating bread LOL |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 10:59am On Oct 29, 2013 |
Akpos call customer care by 1am. After 30mins of advert finally akpos comes on line. Customer care ...hello this kingsley from mtn customer care how can I help u. Akpos..god punish u. Customer care...sorry sir dats not polite wats the problem akpors..na me u de ask? Check ur time wetin de nack customer care ..sir dis 1:30am. Akpos..so why u no dey sleep u bewinch? Customer care..no sir am not a. wizard. Akpos...den wetin u be others neva sleep finish? Customer care..sir pls go straight to the reason why u called Akpos..ok. I get#99 for my fone abeg transfer me #1 naira make I take make midnight call. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:38pm On Nov 01, 2013 |
Akpos, Ken and Seth went to rob a supermarket at night. They decided not to give an answer to any question if they were unfortunately caught. A neighbor saw them, called the police and unfortunately for them they were caught. POLICE:[to Ken] What's your name? There was no answer. POLICE:[to Seth] What's your name? He didn't respond either. POLICE:[to Akpos] What's your name? AKPOS: Ken and Seth did not mention their names why should I? |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by PrettySpicey(f): 7:56pm On Nov 02, 2013 |
sweetiePe: See More Funny Akpors here>>>www.rosyside.com/pt/Funniest-Akpors-Jokes-Collection-10.11.2013/discussion.htmSweetPe while its all nyz dat u want 2 promote ur blog, repeating Lil boy's Akpor's jokes is just annoying. So do try opening ur own thread plz. 2 Likes |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by PrettySpicey(f): 8:00pm On Nov 02, 2013 |
lil jboy, u killed it. Ur Akpor's jokes r da bomb. Made my nite, tanx. 1 Like |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:45am On Nov 03, 2013 |
A man nd a woman walked into a guest house nd requested to spend d night. The owner of d guest house, Mr Ben,who is a born again refused to allow men and women to stay 2gether in his hotel because of fornicatn. The woman explained, he is my son, not my spouse nd so they checked in. After 30mins, Mr Ben sent his room service (Akpos) to go nd check if those folks were truly mother nd son. Akpos came back nd said; Sir, she's truly d mother. The boss asked, hw did u comfirm dat? The room service smiled, Sir i am very sure, I saw her breastfeeding him. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 12:24pm On Nov 05, 2013 |
An American and akpors, a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The american believes that Nigerians are so dumb that he could outsmart them easily, So the american asks if akpors would like to play a fun game. Akpors is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines. The American persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says. This catches the akpors attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The american asks the first question. "What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?" akpors doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's akpors turn. He asks the american, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The american uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up akpors and hands him $500. Akpors pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The american is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes akpors up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" akpors reaches in his pocket, hands the american a $5 bill and goes back to sleep. 1 Like |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by SGMO1: 2:34pm On Nov 07, 2013 |
lil jboy: Akpors a graduate of Accounting ,wrote a letter to his GF Ekaitte |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 1:06pm On Nov 14, 2013 |
Three University student didn't write an exam because they did not study. They came up with a plan, got themselves dirty using grease then went to see the Dean (akpors). "Sir we are sorry we couldn't make it to then exam. We attended a wedding and on our way back the car broke down thus we became so dirty as you can see." Akpors understood and gave them three days to prepare. After three days they went to him very ready for the exam because they had studied. Akpors kept them in three separate classes. There were only four questions in the exam paper: 1. Who and who got married? (25 mks) 2. Where was the reception held? (25mks) 3. Where exactly did the car break down? (25mks) 4. What type of car broke down? (25mks) Note: Your answers must be the same. Good luck! |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by Mamacita007(f): 10:03pm On Nov 14, 2013 |
I love this section. nice jokes llooooooll 1 Like |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by abimbs: 6:58am On Nov 15, 2013 |
FACEBOOK ♥(inbox) AKPOS: Hello Babe Girl: (seen 3 minutes ago) AKPOS: Hey please answer me  Girl: (seen 2 minutes ago) AKPOS: But why do you treat me like that?? Why don't you answer me? Girl: (Seen 3 minutes ago) AKPOS: Ok good night dear, i just wanted to tell you that I have received my salary worth 500,000 Shs and i have reserved 100,000 for ur shopping. Girl: wow! Sure? Thats great when shall we go? AKPOS: (Seen 3 minutes ago) Girl: please answer me dear, i was off last time, when shall we go? AKPOS: (Seen 2 minutes ago) Girl: I know ur there and ur reading my messages, Just answer AKPOS: (Seen 3 minutes ago) Girl: Anyway goodnight tomorrow am coming at ur place to visit you!!! 1word for the Lady. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:11am On Nov 15, 2013 |
abimbs: FACEBOOK ♥(inbox)one word for her. . . FOOOOLISH |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:12am On Nov 15, 2013 |
AKPOS thought LOL meant "Lots Of Love." So he sent an SMS to his girlfriend saying: "Dear, I'm sorry about the Death of your Mom, LOL! |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:14am On Nov 15, 2013 |
Akpos mistakenly sent 800 Thousand Naira to a wrong phone number via Mobile Money. Akpos realized that before the person withdraws the whole money, he had to think of what to do if he wants to get his money back. To the person phone number. He immediately sent a text: Hi Boss, i hope you are okay. I hope you’ve received the money i sent you for the introduction ceremony of joining Illuminati Satanism scheduled to happen at 12midnight. That money is only for transport. I will send you more for pocket money and there are riches awaiting you. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood every 20 minutes. Please don’t be late because the devil will be present to officiate the ceremony. Thanks in advance. But in case you are not ready to join, please send back the money. 4 Minutes later. Akpos gets a Mobile Money message – You have received 800 Thousand Naira for your mobile money account. One word for Akpos |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by Shekson(m): 10:28am On Nov 15, 2013 |
lil jboy: Lollzz. Me trust my padi. We go write D̶̲̥̅̊ same tin cos we think very much alike |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 10:50am On Nov 15, 2013 |
Shekson:when u aint expecting that kinda question? |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by Shekson(m): 11:02am On Nov 15, 2013 |
lil jboy: when u aint expecting that kinda question?Even when asked in our dreams as long as we told the H.O.D dat story 2geda |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by Nobody: 3:59pm On Nov 15, 2013 |
Shekson:I don't think you read the 4 questions well. 1 Like |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:58pm On Nov 22, 2013 |
Akpos: Dad, whats the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'? Dad turns to wife: would u sleep with George W. Bush for $1 million? Wife: Of course, I will never waste that opportunity. Dad turns to daughter: Would u sleep with Brat Pitt for $1 million? Daughter: Yes! He is my fantasy. Dad turns to elder son: Would u sleep with Tom Cruise for $1 million? Eldest son: Why not? Imagine what I would do with that money. Dad turns to his youngest son Akpos; U see son, 'potentially' we are sitting with multimillionair es BUT in 'reality' we are sitting with two prostitutes and one Gay idiot. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 8:54am On Nov 23, 2013 |
WAEC examination, Akpos was asked to complete the following: 1. He who fights and run away? Akpos: E don surrender be dat na, na fear catch am 2. A rolling stone? Akpos: No fit just dey roll, na person push am . 3. He who lives in a glass house? Akpors: Na rich politician e go be. 4. A stitch in time? Akpors: Dey prevent further tear tear. 5. Birds of the same feather? Akpors: Na the same mama born them. 6. One good turn? Akpors: Na correct power steering fit do am. 7. A bird in hand? Akpors: Wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque. Dem plenty for chicken republic. 8. Half bread is better than? Akpors: Puff puff, buns or garri without sugar. 9. A journey of a thousand miles? Akpors: Na d person wahala be dat na, Why e no enter car or aeroplane jeje? 10. He who laughs last? Akpors: Get brain problem. Make dem examine am, becos na begining of madness be dat. 11. A patient dog? Akpors: Na hunger go kill am. 12. All work and no play? Akpors: Na bank job be dat bros. 13. Once beaten? Akpors: Na revenge go follow be dat. 14. A fool at forty? Akpors: U never see Naija own, our own starts @ 50 15. A toad does not run in the daylight? Akpors: . . .for fear say china people go carry am do better meat. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:03am On Nov 23, 2013 |
Dad: akpors, your Uncle is coming to collect the money i owed him. When he comes, tell him i have travelled to Benin. Akpors: Yes Dad Uncle:Where is your father? Akpors: He has travelled to Benin. Uncle: When is he coming back? Akpors: Wait, let me go and ask him? Boy: Dad, Uncle said when are you coming back? Dad: Tell him next week friday. Akpors ran back and said: Uncle, my dad said i should tell you that he wil be bak next week. Uncle: ok, go and tell him that if he comes bak next week, he should let me know. AMONG THE THREE. . . . Who is more foolish? |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 6:45pm On Nov 23, 2013 |
Akpors goes off to Unilag. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He call his father at home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Unilag that will teach our dog, monkey-boy how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says . "How do I get Monkey-boy into the program?" Akpors smiling said... "Just send him down here with N10,000" Young Akpors says. "I'll get him in the course dad." So, his father sends the dog and N10,000. About two weeks to end the semester, the money again runs out. Akpors calls home again. "So how's Monkey-boy (the dog name is monkey- boy) doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get monkey-boy in that program?" Akpors smiling said "Just send N20,000, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero (Akpors) has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's monkey-boy? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says,"I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, monkey-boy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Punch Newspaper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead Ekaette who lives in town?" The father exclaimed,"I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 11:02pm On Nov 23, 2013 |
Rukewe was burnt to death so they called his 2 best frnds Ogene and Akpos to identify the body. 1st went ogene... Ogene: He's burnt pretty bad his face is beyond recognition. Ogene asked the motician to roll the body over'.. The motician found this really weird.. He rolled the body then Ogene said ' that aint rukewe! They calld his 2nd frnd Akpos to identify the body.. ' Akpos also askd the same question to roll the body over' he also said this is not rukewe! The motician askd why did both of u wanted me to roll the body? Akpos: rukewe has 2 assholes ..dats not rukewe.. Motician: huh dats impossible! Akpos: I'm telling u he got 2 assholes cos evrytime wen three of us go to the Club people say ''Here comes Rukewe and his two assholes!'' |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 11:05pm On Nov 23, 2013 |
Teacher : If your father has N10, and you asked for N5, how much will your father have?. Akpos: N10. Teacher : You don't know maths. Akpos : You dont know my father! |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 11:07pm On Nov 23, 2013 |
It happened in a hospital in Warri, Delta State ... Intensive Care Unit (ICU) patients died, in the same bed, every Sunday at 3pm. Doctors thought it was something supernatural. So, a team of experts was formed to Investigate the cause or causes. The following Sunday, few minutes before 3pm, all doctors & Nurses stood around that particular bed waiting to see what it was. Then suddenly Akpos (Part time sweeper) entered the ICU, unplugged the Life Support system of that Bed & then plugged his blackberry charger. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 11:19pm On Nov 23, 2013 |
Mrs. Akpors Buys A New SimCard, Puts it In Her Phone and Decides 2 Surprise her Husband Who Is seated On the Couch In The Living Room... She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With the New Number: "Hello Darling" The husband (Akpors) Responds in A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:04am On Nov 25, 2013 |
AKPOS: I cleaned my computer and it's broken. TECHNICIAN: What did you clean it with? AKPOS: Soap and water. TECHNICIAN: You are not supposed to use water near a computer. AKPOS: I don't think it was the water that broke it, I think it is the washing machine. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:08am On Nov 25, 2013 |
Akpos walks into a bar and orders for a drink. He was obviously upset. "Akpos, what is the matter?" asked john. "john, It is a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me to her house. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on. ''That's tough!'' said Ofego. ''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a Naughty Lady pissed out of the window right onto my head. 'poo! No wonder you are in a bad mood." Ofego said. Akpos continued: 'Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!'' ''Hmm, that is really so bad!'' Ofego said. Akpos said: ''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to poo. It turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his Bottom out of the window and let loose right on my head. That would sure mess up my day. Ofego said. Akpos said: 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? Ofego said: No. Akpos said: When I looked down i saw that my feet was only SIX inches off the ground. |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:12am On Nov 25, 2013 |
AKPOS THE TEACHER Akpos: "who is the minister of education?" Children: "Mrs Dame Patience Jonathan" Akpos: "who is CBN governor?" Children: "Aliko Dangote" Akpos; "who is the minister for information?". Children: "Mike Adenuga" Akpos; "who is the minister for sports. Children: "Stephen keshi". Akpos: "Correct! who composed the national anthem of Nigeria" Children: "wizkid" Akpos: "correct" what is 2+5? Children: "25" Akpos:- "correct" Akpos:- "what is the capital of Nigeria?" Children: "Abia-umuahia " Akpos: "correct, Who is d president of nigeria?". Children. "General Muhammadu Buhari" Akpos:. "Correct! Who stopped the killing of twins". Children: "Psquare" Akpos: "correct! who is the minister for women affairs" Children: "Genevieve Nnaji" Akpos: "Correct, Who is d governor of Anambra state? Children. "Baba Tunde Fashola" Akpos: "Correct!" Akpos:- "Good! Clap for yourselves... (children claps) It's gonna Remain like that until government increases and pay me my SIX MONTHS accumulated salary!!! |
| Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 6:56am On Nov 26, 2013 |
Akpos, uche and ikpeba were lost in a forest. For weeks, they lived there. One day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says; Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one. So uche goes first; I have been stuck here for too long, I miss my family and my friends and my life. I just want to go home. POOF!!!, he is gone. Then ikpeba makes his wish; I thought i was going to die here. I am tired of this place o! Oga please, me too, I want to go home. and POOF!!! he is gone. Then Akpos starts crying uncontrollably; Eeya. Mmmmm, chai oooooo yekpa! ahhhh! I am missing them already. The genie asks, What is the problem? Akpos replies: I wish my friends were here with me again. |
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