The Lawyer, The Czech, and the Bears
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A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What d'ya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
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Newton's Law
Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time. Instead, they would always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey.
This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law of Gavel Tea.
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Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
Q: What is the favorite song of most lawyers?
A: Sweet Sue.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A:They had pictures of lawyers on them , and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: If You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Q: What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1: Back over him to make sure.
A2: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

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Light Bill
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, he'll have the janitor do it. But, you'll get the following bill:

Item Charge (What it really means)
Lawyer's time, (1 hr. Min.) $400 You sucker.
Connectivity charge $100 He called janitor.
Staff charges $250 The secretary prepared bill.
Research fees $422 BMW payment due.
Consulting fees $431 Senior partner's BMW bill.
Specialized equipment $122 Bought bulb.
Delivery expenses $34 Had messenger deliver it.
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $394 Second partner Volvo bill.

Now lets wat uve got,especially ^{Law students}LETS DO THIS

don't get the one with the lawyer and the czech

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and my 'gator will have a lawyer."
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.
MEN THIS JOKES ARE KILLING ME
^everyone _thinks ^{am a} _retard

it just means lawyers never tell the truth

Busta:

don't get the one with the lawyer and the czech

busta you a law student

Attack Dog
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."
"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Charity Starts at Home

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off. "Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea, " On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, ", And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"

see ya all _tommorrow

like the las one

can't stop lmao on the one lookin 4 a guard dog

nice jokes