It was one of those mornings in December when taking a bath was synonymous with Ben Carson's 'TAKING The RISK'. It was freaking very cold dat I c'd only bare my face and fingers 2 d chilling breeze. A walk ind sun I envision will do me a whole lot of good, so I leave with Tweeny following me like a fly follows a corpse, wagging her tail as we stroll, I guess she enjoys d view as its a huge privilege for her 2 be allowed out of her territory.
Its kinda quiet but not deserted in this neighbourhood owing 2 d continental drift of yuletides such as now, families travel to wherever they wish 2 spend d holidays inadvertently leaving their residences @ d mercy of burglars. Mine had but I stayed behind 2 luk after Tweeny as she w'd need 2 be fed!
We keep walking till d Tweeny's sudden bark startles me outta my thought, I look bark @ her 2 c watsup, but her tail is folded between her hind legs & I kn dat sign - she is scared shitless - that's quite unusual @ dis time of d day, another bark 4rm her in d direction of my left & I turn 2 see what's d undue attraction, I c nothing but d sound of breaking mud (d type u hear @ a construction site) makes it 2 my ears. It had stopped jes as suddenly as it had come. I move in d direction I heard d noise, I was sure it had come 4rm d Beige-coloured building adjacent where I had being standing but Tweeny is fixedly staring @ it, so I walk up to its gate only 2 find it under lock-&-key, there c'd b a thousand reasons 4 dis but Y w'd a well-bred dog keep barking @ a residence. Then comes this shuffling sound of footsteps as if sm1 is coming to open d gate 4rm inside, I swallow loudly as I had no idea wat 2 say 2 d occupant when d gate is opened, but it doesn't & I was begin'n 2 think dat I had imagined d sound as everywhere was momentarily quiet when I heard d ruthless clanging of metal as d bolt was sent home 4rm inside so hurriedly dat I imagined d person did dat on purpose.
Wetin com b my own, standing in front of a house of which I knew none of its occupants & with no agenda on my mind, I had better continue my walk or better still make a u-turn, hadn't even finished processing d impulse when it dawned on me dat d gate was also locked 4rm outside. Why w'd a person lock his gate 4rm within as well as without, if these where in d movies dis is where d sound-track w'd drastically change 2 a rythme, the time it took me 2 notice dis was shorter than that it took me 2 take a peep through d space where hinged-gate joined with d fence, the sight I beheld was no more awry than that described in Sherlock Holmes adventures, d only diffrence is dat dis 1 was in 3D & neither paper nor screen, & am no detective. A retreat was sure except 4 dat stupid thing that dogs do when they sense danger (they run towards it instead of d reverse) I make 2 lift my dog of d ground thereafter do d Usain Bolt thing when I discover that I had company . . .

He was staring @ me d way a u w'd stare a scissors in a refrigerator, I on ma part returned d stare & was abt 2 avert ma gaze 2 his hands in which he held a key, when he asked me who I was in d most unfriendly tone I ever heard. Abt 2 tell him of how I came 2 b standing here, d huskiness of my voice almost betrays d nervousness dat is taking time 2 wear off, I clear my trachea & as if on cue he moves a step closer, this piques me as he kinda seems shifty intruding in2 my 48 inched (or there abt) space.
"I came 2 deliver a message" I say, "To who?" comes his reply.
"Are u d gateman of dis place?" I retort & almost wished I hadn't as his face clouds with irritated anger.
"I ask u again 'who are u luking 4?"
There was no use beating a dead horse & I begin 2 unravel d happenstance dat got me here meanwhile my dog is a safe distance away watching d drama like a seasoned spectator,( it was best, so I w'd nt have no bother abt it if I had 2 fend 4 myself).
"Come inside"
"Pardon?" I ask, not that I hadn't heard him but because it was so incredulous I had 2 ask.
" We were doing a slight renovation on our veranda & d balustrade was getting in d way so we had 2 split d bricks holding it so as 2 be able 2 make room 4 d extension we r doing. . . Come on in & c 4 urself". I dȏn'ŧ kn how true dat c'd b but Y w'd he bother me with so elaborate an explanation as if I were d Mayor (Mai Angwa) of dis neighbourhood, I felt more jittery trying 2 fathom what w'd happen if what he had said had been father 4rm d truth as my dog was 4rm me!
"Owkay, after u, Sir" I oblige. The 'after u' had an effect on his demeanor but he hid it well. Undecided abt whether 2 call my dog, I use that as an excuse d way a gambler uses his last card when there isn't any oda alternative. And just as I wished Tweeny refused 2 come when I called it. . . He unlocked d gate 4rm outside & after a knock it was opened 4rm inside.
* * * *
ₐℓᴼᵗ of questions had began running across my flabbergasted mind, 1st on d list being -where had dis skinny man come 4rm? He c'd nt jst have appeared as dis is not an episode of Harry Porter & The Wizard of Oz? I know that curiosity kills d cat but right now am hoping it does me no harm!
I follow him as he enters & just as I decipher what is & what isn't d gate is shut (not locked) behind me, my heart flies into my mouth as I c red splattered all over d a tarpaulin dat lay outstretched on d floor, it was so crimson-red dat it was sure 2 had come 4rm a freshly severed vein.
Lost was I in my fright dat I didn't hear d man beckoning me 2 d front side of d house. A second man (or sh'd I say a youth) was busy with a shovel mixing cement & sand with not even so much as a glance in my direction, I presume he sh'd b so engrossed in d task @ hand. D skinny man must have sensed my uneasiness, "my neighbor has jst finished butchering a goat & I wonder wats keeping him 4rm tidying dis place" he says motioning 2 d blood on d tarpaulin.
All along I had been as tongue-tied as a shoelace, "Where are u guys doing d renovations?"
"At my apartment, where u r standing is d parking space". There were abt 4 apartments, two on 1 side backing d other two, seprated by abt a 40 ft gap(nt so accurate a measurement but close). The 1 he was motioning 2 was bside d 1 I was standing in front of, 4rm which position I c'd observe dat there was only one entrance which was d 1 I had come through, & if my hysteria gave way I w'd have 2 leave by it still.
There is only one way dis might end and I move 2 d side where d youth was mixing concrete, expecting 2 c some freshly removed blocks or bricks, d balustrade is really there although free 4rm its former position, I signal a 'well-done' 2 him with my thumb facing upwards but he looks @ me as if I had jst dropped 4rm d sky, hoping that d skinny man w'd do d introductions rather he says to d youth "I thought u w'd need anoda hand with d work, so I called my friend here 2 assist you'
Didn't kn which was more prepostrous - the thought of mixing concrete on a stupendiously cold morning. Or being in an unknown enviroment, introduced as a friend 2 dis skinny man! As if he were clearly discerning my thoughts, he hands me a shovel which had my eyes been lasers, I w'd have shredded it 2 bits, I was getting infuriated @ dis confection of an expensive joke. I make 4 d exit & d boy/youth runs 2 block my way with such agility I kn I must have skipped skul d day metamorphosis was taught in biology class.
A smirk escape d lower lip of d skinny man & dat tells me dis is some serious stuff. . .
My head was begin'n 2 spin as fast as a Rolls Royce wheel, I c'd feel d blood drain 4rm my face, & I was sure I had broken out in a sweat cos d perspiration I felt @ my sides w'd have been enough 2 drown a bee (slight exaggeration). If there is anything I ever avoided, it is a confrontation as I seem 2 have enough scars 2 last me a life time & here d only hinderance 2 gett'n a little belligerent with this youth was d thought of an exit route as d man who had initially opened d gate was standing there as mute as a statue, but none of these activity escapes his bulging eyes.
'Okay' I say 2 d skinny man, ignoring d youth as I step towards where d work was 2 b done, I put out my hand 2 collect d shovel 4rm d him. He hands it 2 me with his eyes searching my face, whatever he was searching 4 I wish he doesn't find it. Collecting d tool, I resist an urge 2 bash his arrogant skull with it. I guess my calmness must have unnerved d youth as he seems fixed 2 a spot, but his eyes were still kinda glazed 4rm d tension (oh! So am not d only 1 who was getting sparked). I begin 2 work.
Meanwhile, d man @ d gate went into d yard 4 reasons best known 2 him & here goes my second chance 2 get lost 4rm dis bizarre prank, but I guess I must have underestimated d skinny man's astuteness, he grips me by d arm & I oblige him with a shove that sends his 5 ft frame staggering. Everything happened so fast that before I c'd turn towards d gate, a thud on my head stops me dead in my tracks, I feel numb 4rm my spine down, clouds form over my eyes, d sky seem 2 b moistening . . . Lights out!

When I came to, it felt as if my skull w'd split into uncountable shreds. I place my hand at the back of my head where the shovel had hit, its swollen but not bleeding, from d softness of the welt I know it is pitifully bruised. I get up & I'm bewildered @ my surrounding. If I remember clearly, the youth had struck my head with the shovel, this I kn 4 sure but what I seem 2 be doing in an uncompleted building baffles me 2 hysteria. Going by d distance of d sun from d middle of d sky I guess its past noon, past noon? That can't be, I reach 4 my phone just 2 make sure, put my hand into my left pocket 2 get it, I dig deeper, no phone. I do d same 4 d ryt pocket, the back pockets, all over . . . No phone. How convenient! Superb!! They not only gave me a hard time, they took away my phone as well. 'Good Heavens as soon as I leave here am going 2 d nearest police station'. But first I think I w'd have 2 contact someone either friend or family & without a phone that's naught. The only person within reach is Bola. On getting 2 his house, I knock hurriedly on his door & hardly waiting 4 a response I let myself in, he sights me & goes hilarious, I think I sh'd mention here that Bola is one of those friends that finds a way 2 be sincerely amused about anything. Anything as in anything that appeals 2 his incongrous mind. Even d most serious of occurences leaves him sooner or later with an amusing thought, smtims it pisses me off, other times I indulge him but for now its neither, may b when he hears my grotesque tale he will sober up, he definately will unless if he's high on nitrous oxide. "What's d time?" I blurt out to him. "The time is what is was by this time yestarday" he replies with mock sincerity. I kn d clock on his wall isn't functioning except if an angel had come & replaced d exhausted batteries with fresh ones, I move over 2 where he's seated, grab his phone & see the time, 1:23 pm! Gosh! "Is anything d matter & why are u looking so haggard & dusty?" I can't decipher if he is serious or trying 2 be humorous! "No, nothing is not the matter or do you think am putting on a costume?" I say with so much sarcasm. "What happened 2 you?" He asks again. I recount d details of d last 5 hours 2 him as briefly as I can, from d part of d morning walk to that of Tweeny's bark @ d gate to dat of d skinny man & d youth, upto d moment when I woke up in an uncompleted flat to find out that my phone is missing. His expression is that of a speechless person seeing a horror movie @ d cinema. "I'm thinking of going 2 d police." " Police?" "Yes, d police or what do u think?" "I think we sh'd just go d house & ask them 4 ur phone" He says. "Helloooo, have u not been listening or was I speaking Spanish? How am I 2 go back there after having been assaulted as such, I w'd sooner write my will than go near there?" "Will d Police be able 2 help & what if d phone was stolen 4rm u while u were unconscious in d uncompleted building?" "The cops w'd have 2 investigate that, but first of all I have 2 report d assault & my missing dog." "Okay" comes his consent, he was finally catching on. "Can I have some ice or smtin very chilled 2 place on my head it hurts like crazy?" "Una been get light na iim u comot go dey take walk? Na were u see light, e be like say PHCN dey bad mood today." "I don hear, abeg find me cloth make I change this cardigan wey don dirty". "No oo, u will wear it dat way, thought u said it was a costume, by d way d police won't believe u so much if u freshen up."
We leave soon enough, board a tricycle 2 d nearest police station. On getting there, we alight & he pays, we walk into d station, it was looking so deserted that I had 2 peep first before stepping in2 d office, d constable @ d counter had this disgust on his face that I felt it c'd be washed off with lime maybe. Bola walks up 2 him, greets him to which he replies with a half-hearted grunt. I begin 2 explain our reason 4 being here, he was as attentive as a kid on his first day @ kindergarten, so less concerned, when I got 2 d part abt d missing phone & dog, his eyes lit up with such anticipation that I was begin'n 2 consider that my problem w'd soon be solved. Before I finished recounting d whole occurence, he pulls out a sheet of lined paper that was so old looking that d dog ears that were on its edge was so repulsive, he hands me a pen & tells me 2 put down what I had just said onto d paper. Na wa oo, it took a nod 4rm Bola 2 remind me that such was normal protocol & 2 b expected, had I forgotten how utterly ludicrous our national cops c'd b attimes. I do as instructed & as I finish he asks me 2 sign @ d bottom, I do. He points 2 another portion where I sh'd put down my phone number . . . .
Another policeman comes 4rm inside, dȏn'ŧ kn his rank, he c'd be a sergent, a corporal or even a recruit (I'm not that gud @ telling their ranks by their ropes & medals) from d way d 1 attending 2 me salutes him, he must be his superior & I kn he isn't d DPO 'cos his shirt is tucked in2 his trousers. We greet him "Gudafternoon Sir!" "Gudafternoon gentlemen, how may we help you?" Bola does the talking, I'm kinda fed up reciting my bizarre memory verse 2 every Jack & Jill . . . He listens intently while his junior (if I may call him that) behaves as if he is just hearing abt d situation 4 d first time, he his even looking @ Bola as if he(Bola) is d assaulted victim. The superior policeman asks why I'm not saying a thing, "Sir, all that needs 2 be said I 've dutifully put down on that sheet of paper" I say pointing 2 d paper on his right. He turns, picks it up, rummages in his shirt pocket 4 his glasses, brings it out & puts it on. He skims through it like a lecturer going through a script, his face tilted upwards with his jaw pointed out in mild concentration, after going through it briefly, he asks if I can identify d phone if I see it. "Sure, why not?" "Okay, Corporal!" "Sir!" The first policeman replies. "Call Lawal for me." He orders. Immediately the corporal leaves & returns with another, dis 1 is broad-shouldered & grim-looking, he seems like a person who w'd need little provocation 2 be madly angered. Lawal gives a sharp salute to the sergent in the no-nonsense manner customary of all force men, d Sergent doesn't even acknowledge him & goes on to say, "Where is the phone that 1 Mrs Kaseem brought here earlier in the day?" "Let me get it, sir" he goes into an adjacent room which judging by d tag on the door was where stuff were kept. Bola & I exchange glances, his was that of astonished pleasure, mine that of astonished confusion. Just as Lawal returns 2 d counter with smthing in his hands, my heart begin 2 pound in my chest that I feared they might hear it, but who cares if they do, they sh'd b able 2 understand why. He gives d object 2 d sergent, who in turn places it before me. "Is dis d phone u described?" he asks. "Yes Sir, it is." "How can u identify it" " first name on the contact list is Afunwa followed by Alexo, Amaechi . . ." I begin 2 reel out d names but he cuts me short "That can do". "Wats d last call u made with it before u found out it was missing?" "I haven't made ąŋɏ call with it today but d last call on it was 1 4rm Maxwell @ abt some minutes 2 9 o'clock." I guess dis satisfies him & certifies me as d real owner of the phone. He clears his throat, takes a good luk @ me, from my head 2 my waist region that is visible 2 him 4rm across d counter. "Earlier today" he says to me, "a woman came here to report an attack @ her house by a burglar, she came with this phone, saying that she had found it later lying on d ground near her fence, that d burglar must have 4gotten it in his haste . . . . " ąŋɏ other thing he was saying wasn't making it 2 my hearing as my heart skipped so many beats I feared I w'd collapse . . .









Am still on my feet not by will rather its by default, Bola I guess is as dumbfounded as I am. I try 2 speak but no words come out, am stuttering like a rusted automobile, knowing that my reaction & composure @ the moment w'd determine whatever w'd happen next, I take a mental picture of d situation noting that I was moments away 4rm being bundled in2 1 of d dirty guard rooms, it was sure I w'd b detained except GOD sends me an angel 2 d rescue. Meanwhile Bola excuses us 2 place a call 2 whomever he was calling, 4rm d look on d faces of these policemen he may b an accomplice, on a normal day it w'd ve amused me cos Bola is as straight as they come but his looks were somewhat not as harmless, though a saint is not made by looks alone. Now, he is speaking loudly enough 4 me 2 hear him & 4rm d pitch of his voice u can tell he is nervous. When he finishes, we are both invited 2 sit behind d counter as we wait for d coming of our accuser, who had been summoned by Corporal Lawal. The other policeman was watching me so closely as if I were a terrorist shielding explosives waiting 2 detonate anytime soon. "Sir, this woman Mrs Kaseem must have got something twisted, I had told you how I was held against my will @ a man's residence, how he had wanted me 2 do menial work 4 him, & as I refused . . ." "Spare me your stupid story!" he cuts me short "Then I guess" Bola chirps in "its his word against d woman's?" "That will b when she comes". *Silence* While we are both seated, I whisper to Bola "My guy, sorry 4 getting u involved in this mess, w'd gladly have bored it alone than ruin ur day as such". He says nothing, I turn 2 look @ him, he's wearing that look of his which I ever get 2 see only when his mind is engaged, I was beginning 2 hate myself 4 dragging him in2 this when he says "What if this Mrs Kaseem as they call her has some kind of connection with your skinny man." "I w'd prefer u called him anything apart 4rm my skinny . . ." The words hardly finished leaving my mouth when I saw d angle 4rm which Bola's conjecture was coming 4rm. The skinny man must kn d woman in some way, how else w'd my phone have been missing @ his house only 2 b brought 2 d police station later by another person, but d steadfast knot holding my freedom was what she had said abt a burglar. "Or is that d man was himself d thief & had been d 1 that dropped d phone @ her residence?" I never kn my friend 2 b dis good @ dotting invisible lines "Guy, abt what I said earlier, I take it back 'cos am happy u r here with me assisting with ur benevolent spirit of discernment" I say 2 him with a resemblance of a grin. He reciprocates with his usual million-dollar-smile. "Going by ur last insinuation, d question w'd b how possible w'd it have been 4 him 2 carry me 2 d uncompleted building, thereafter go on a stealing expedition & if u ask me he looked like no thief, but a troublesome fellow, yes" I put forward. "That's true, if he isn't the 1 who took d phone in d 1st place but something tells me he is". Lost were we in our assumptions that we didn't notice the lady coming towards d counter, she looked a little bit over dressed 4 a saturday (by my standards though) like sm1 that just came out of a social function, the head gear she was putting on was quite large it made her oblong face look like a toy in a box cos she looked younger in comparison 2 d native attire she was dressed in. She says smtin 2 d first corporal who leaves & returns with d sergeant, & not until he greets her 'Gudday Mrs Kaseem' do I realize that she is the woman we had been waiting for. I w'd have presumed her age 2 be in d range of late 20's to early 30's.