[moderator re-valuate where to put this post: rommance/religion.
thank you.]

in an ideal world - everything we want would happen.
money riches marraige would come easy and on time.
But when it doesnt come - wahala dey.

Women especially get worried.
Men get worried too.
Women get desperate and over reach.
they become the pursuers rather than the pursued.
People ask questions like "why are you not married?" accusingly.

i do wonder why so.
here are my points on why i think it dont matter.

spouses are not sold in shops.
-------------------------------------

you just cant go out and pick a husband or wife the way
you go out and buy a pet - it takes time to relate with ,
and find out if the person it the right one for you -
it takes a long time for people to show their true colors
for one to make an accept/reject decision.
And some are expert chameleons they'll hide their
nastiness until they get what the want.

2.) marraige,typically, is not as exciting as people make it

i dont know any couples that are all smiles from day to day.
over time they treat each other like just another person.
the specialty and flavour goes.
it becomes as mundane as any other relationship .
Though some outwardly make a big deal of it - but
i've nver seen close hand any romantic flame burning
in any long time relationship. things just seem to
chug along.
or to put it another way- at the onset the couple paddle
furiously with oars but as time goes on they pack the oars
and the boat floats by the force of the currents-no spark no
fire!!
( i maybe wrong! - but this is the norm)
The woman finds solace in her children (who are full grown or on their own)
the man -- hangs around for sex and a steady help .
marraiges kinda loose their elasticity over time!
just like human skin. But these need not be your portion-
just reporting what i know.
if you want something better work at it - soup wey sweet...


3.) in the long run it doesnt matter?
Long run here means when your life is over!
i know this is untypical thinking.
but nobody is known for being married..
if you feel sad that people are talking that at age X your not
married , remember that when you do get married people
will not give corresponding notice to the event,
your being married will be as exciting as saying
that the newspaper man sells magazines too!!
so why bother!!
if people do notice - its to criticize and judge -
e.g if the man is really above the typical age by say 20years+
then people will talk!?
he got married at this age!!" - they'll shrug their shoulders
in disgust!
that's society for you.
Instead of celebrating that at last he got married ,theyre
complaining.
when your life is over-you'll be mainly recognize for your
achievements and only those acheivements that impacted on others (good/bad).
your life is important to people only to the extend that your life impacted them.

4.) In retrospect, there was nothing worth worrying ,fighting about.

i'm writing here from the perspective of the the married folks.
i think after they've settled into a marraige they were frantic about, if they had to do it all over again they
wouldnt break their neck to marry in record time or advocate
worry.

5.) you can only do your best that is all you can do.

it reminds me of an athletic event, the winner isnt known,
but whether an athlete wins or not all the athlete can
control is his training. and within the time
alloted for the training.
after that - it's all over.

6.) there's more to life than getting married

In a society like ours - this statement will get one
flames but this society is a myopic one.
the summary of many peoples lives is that -
they got married had kids spent the next 30 years
raising the kids and died off.
So people's expectation and life revolve around
fulfilling this hyper exciting role!
they think it is a calling.
More to life here means you can live a much much much richer
life without being married!!
singleness is not a curse and will never be!

7.) The period of singleness is a gift

Oh!! i dont know how much people have been told they're
a shame and stigma because they're not married.
The time you have as a single man/woman is a block
of time that you'll never have again forever.
free time+youth(great gift)
most people will abuse this period-
the wise ones will use it to develop themselves fully
into the person they could be and grow into their full
potentials so that when they eventually hook up they
will come into the marraige with something to offer!!
Think of a woman who didnt use her single period to learn
how to cook!? - is it during honey moon she'll learn!
think of a woman who never developed a love for reading
, when she starts raising children what gift will she impart
a love for reading to them?
.
more singleness is even a greater gift - i know i'm stepping
on toes - but c'mon.
someone who is sad at being single is saying in other words
that his/her happiness lies in the hands of another human!.
There is always so much to do! i dont mean frivolous
fun but there is so much work to be done - more hands on deck.

8.) you could live a decent life and be an example

in that period of singleness- most women go beserk
and throw their values to the wind - c'mon co-habitation
is the norm to hook the man.
Most who wouldnt give sex before relax their morales to keep the man.
lucky,men- they chew the meat, spit out the bones then call "next".
some cry every day they keep a good posture outside but
cry everyday at night-wet their pillows with tears!
boo cry baby grow up.
if a person said ok , i want to marry but the marraige aint
coming, i'll keep my dignity and not co habit,
i wont become desperate for the man ,
and i wont lower my standard for the man,
i'll maintain my dignity come what may.
if they pull it of - come marraige or no marraige -
they'll be sending a strong message that will send help
many and shut the mouth of many.
a woman has got to develop the resoluteness of a suicide
bomber! stick to your ideals dont let society push you around. no!

9.) Good things take time -
i'm not advocating celibacy or singleness here -
but just saying if it dont come dont worry your heart out.
even if it dont come for all of life dont worry. live out your life and enjoy your days.
but while hoping and wishing-- aiming for the best-
know good things do take time.
you may have to sample lots of relationships to decide on
the one- dont get desperate and jump into any joe/anna's arms.
it all takes time.

10.) you're life is nobody's business

I think the shame in not getting married on time,
stems from the fact that the shame is externally generated!!
from society.
some posts are not available to un married people.
e.g
Governorship, presidency, etc.
But I believe some people are better of being single.
some people love solitude, dont connect well with
anybody,
and find social situations burdensome.
why can't these folks live their lives!!
why can't they just be!!
outside they look odd but inside they are live a fully
satisfied life.
some notable scientists and mathematicians were single:
they just couldnt accomodate the baggage of a spouse and
kids into their lives!
you'll say they were lonely but loneliness was not in their
lives.. they lived their lives to the fullest and acheived
their full potentials.
some people's potentials were cut off after marraige!
they could advanced into the person they wanted to be! because
of an influencing spouse - who was insecure or domineering.

Society in 3rd world countries is usually as mentally advanced
as their economies.
Singleness should be recognized and respected and accepted-
there's nothing abberant about it.
People should be given the right to enjoy full career priviledges and respect without having an acronym before their
names! its so foolish and idiotic
to insult a hard working staff because she's age X and single.
that's stupid! - does marraige confer sainthood on a person?

11.)
If some people had their way,they would nt have gotten married

some of the worst kinds of human abuse have been perpetrated
by spouse to spouse. verbal and physical insults and wounds
have been the romantic touches most people have meted out to
each other.
some have been whores, misers, tyrants in the marital home.
is this what some many rush into in the name of wearing a ring and answering a title?
mess society and its conventions - its not worth it.
But this is looking on the bad side - when its good its better than being single by exponential degrees. but that is when it is good.

think of these example,
a man beats wife to death!! ehn! it has happened m any times.
but when that woman was getting married she had met the society's criteria for respectability if she could turn back
time would she be so hasty to rush into the marraige just
to please some amorphous society?!
wife baths husband with acid - because she suspected that
he was calling his girl friend.
wife denies husband sex! - sex now becomes a power bargaining tool. prostitution in the home.
wife and husband dont agree on money- they both hide their
bank account information from each other!
perennial nagging - huh - its another thing when one was managing his life on his own but to come home to the
a nagging spouse is hell not bliss.
A life time of insults,abuse,bashings.
some people had the happiest days in their lives BEFORE they
got married after marraige they met a monster-
INSULT AFTER INSULT AFTER CONTEMPT AND DISRESPECT for all
their marraige years - worth it?!
MARRAIGE TO A secretive person. this one is pathetic-
they never open up or reveal themselves to you.
you have to prod and prod to pry information from them-
worth the endurance in the name of marraige!?
sometimes , life would have been better off in singlehood
than spousehood (marraige).

Over to the 'sad' peeps!

Abeg, a sad creature is a sad creature! Married or not!

I have been married longer than I have been single. I will be miserable without a partner to have my back after all these years. No matter how bad it gets. . . which is NEVER. . . .IT REMAINS THE MOST SATISFACTORY THING TO HAVE SOMEONE TO CALL YOUR OWN! A GREAT FRIEND TOO!

@op patience is virtue.

most of these programmers/coders are very blase about life in general.

relationships, religion, etc- it seems the only things they get passionate about are ethnic culture [some of them], pseudoscience, war, x rated material, etc.


[size=20pt]however[/size], bill gates, steve jobs, mark zuckerberg all married sha.

This post is a half truth. Singleness itself can be hard.

Well said Op, well said
'The period of singleness is a gift'........I m loving it right now , Free as a bird
I don't want it anymore, don't want to be weighed down, life is too short
Why I wanted it so much before beats me!!

For those who are in it and enjoying it thats their blessing. Enjoy!

theyre some undeniable facts about marraige in the nigerian society. Women esp./men get insulted , no respect, no equal treatment or acess to opportunities, if she not married at or after a certain age. We rarely stop to ask wats the rationale behind this we just believe society is right. So the unmarried is barrage accusingly wt such questions as "why are u not married!?". From the pulpit older singles are preached against, flayed and castigated for not being married. Unmarried folks of a partclar age feel inferior to their married counterparts-thanks to social propaganda. Because marraige is highly rated as an acheivement on its own right, a teenager will dream of gettg married early and havg a big belle . That she is a grandmother @40 is reason to disdain the unmarried contemporary or the one who married "late". A lady of 27 that is not engaged begins to feel desparate! Why!? "all her mates are married!/she's gettg old" when sb gets married society says "now u are a man/woman". An unmarried man/woman is prone to promiscuity etc most marraiges are me-too-istic , if most couples had their way they'd marry later or somebody else but their choice could have angered vested parties so they had to bend over and capitulate. In a bid to meet the imaginary deadline, some folks hav settld for the wrong person. The breasted the tape are deemed outwardly successful but their marraige was an imiscible union from the onset! But u see they just had to get married! To which i say marraige is nice and great if u really find your right choice but if not dont and time isnt on your side dont beat urself up .there is more to a fulfilling life than getting hooked up!

Can't say If I would feel bad or not. . . sooooooooooooooo HAPPILY married.
But, it is my experience that the single are ALWAYS jealous of the married even if unhappily married.
Married people are NEVER jealous of single people. . .no matter 'ow miserable, because:
THE MOST MISERABLE MARRIAGE IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN THE SWEETEST DIVORCE PACKAGE!!!

As women get older. . . they begin to compete for 'marital space' with the younger generation of 'desperadoes'.
Who wanno compete for a man's attention with an 'an-us'?
The older women get. . .the 'rougher' it is!

They say it is a man's world. . .till VIAGRA FADES!!!



[img]http://blog.shoppingdonna.it/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/jennifer-lopez-casper1.jpg[/img]

Or till 'toto' water dry!