Hello all,just finished my nightly ritual(i really to start getting strict this boy is 11 months no more feeds )and also a long marathon chat with my sister.We and jist hen.

Ok this my marathon gist is what made me start this topic for views cos its something that kinda bothers me.I come from a very close knit family and we are always all up in each others business(detrimental sometimes though).I and my siblings if we dont talk,chat and send messages to each other every other day.I can tell you my sister's intinary for the next few days and am sure she can tell you mine.My cousins are all up in my business and some of my aunties vex if i have not called in two weeks.My mum i talk to her like 4 times a week.

My hubby family are the direct opposite.I can say i have spoken to my inlaws more times this year than my hubby.They can go weeks on end without speaking to each other.They lost their parents quite early and all but their aloofnes to each other is kinda strange to me.All of them are so me and my wife or me and my husband oriented that they feel the other people are the secondary family.It really gets at me and my husband is always telling to stop playing amateur psycologist by trying to psyco analyse why they are that way .They love each other i guess but how can you not talk to your brother for two months?Haba? .Cousins,that one na long story.Its just so unafrican to me.

Hubby always says my wife and kids come first, and i know he would go against any member of his family that wants to stress me(he has actually done that to an aunt)but deep deep down even though my husband and kids are very important to me i cant authoritatively say they come first.I know i know that sounds horrible.Not saying my mum and my siblings come first too but i place them almost on the same pedestal.I have known them my whole life and can give anything to see them happy.I honestly would never want to be in the horrible position of having to choose helping or saving either.

So the reason for this thread is simply to see if there are people who are conflicted between loyalty to the family they come from and the family they started?

P.S. I was a lil annoyed cos hubby said to me that i spend too much time chatting to my sister when i should be talking to him.We have made up though and i apologised(what this BB would cause hen)but i was abit miffed cos i felt he said that cos he rarely chats to his own siblings like that.Just wanted to paint a clearer picture of why i asked the question.

Rotflmao

Will it calm your mind a little if I told you are way way better than us? Seven kids and we have ongoing group chat. The girls...3 of us are the ones who are usually more active while the guys drop in once in awhile but they read every day, I know this because they are up to date with what everyone is doing.

This is a separate chat from the one we have for the girls including my brothers wives and some cousins. ...all of this when my sisters and I are not on conference call. ..Every morning on my way to work. I know when my sister is dropping her kids off for gymnastics and she knows when Zumba starts for me...Lol!

We have been lucky to have SOs who may not get the closeness but know not to butt in. One of my sisters in law is an only child, so she revels in this....knows more about me than my brother does sef. He will be like...wait a minute, when did this happen when she tells him some things. Lol

Personally I can't envision my life without them being in it the way they are. I know it's different for other people so I don't force them to be like that as long as they don't expect me to be like them.

Sisi_Kill: Rotflmao

Will it calm your mind a little if I told you are way way better than us? Seven kids and we have ongoing group chat. The girls...3 of us are the ones who are usually more active while the guys drop in once in awhile but they read every day, I know this because they are up to date with what everyone is doing.

This is a separate chat from the one we have for the girls including my brothers wives and some cousins. ...all of this when my sisters and I are not on conference call. ..Every morning on my way to work. I know when my sister is dropping her kids off for gymnastics and she knows when Zumba starts for me...Lol!

We have been lucky to have SOs who may not get the closeness but know not to butt in. One of my sisters in law is an only child, so she revels in this....knows more about me than my brother does sef. He will be like...wait a minute, when did this happen when she tells him some things. Lol

Personally I can't envision my life without them being in it the way they are. I know it's different for other people so I don't force them to be like that as long as they don't expect me to be like them.

Nice to know that no be only us .Funny enough my SIL and myself are like that,its like she misses that kind of camaredrie(she is the first and only girl) .Even at that sometimes i still sense the aloofness and just jejely back off.I guess now i have learnt to stop forcing it and he is used to me and my family being like that.Its just sometimes i sense the slight irritation(i opened a thread about my mum and family taking over my son birthday party and issues) even though he would play along just to make me happy.I gently caution my family when it comes to couple business so it wont be like theyare always butting in ( we just cant help it ).
My mum is always like this your oloyinbo(english speaker) husband ehn .She is not too happy that his sister(as his mum is late)does not call her to gist and do all the ana(inlaw) stuff but i tell her just bear with her,she is not being mean or anything its just not her.When my mum went on and on about how they did not take ankara at my dads fidau prayer,i had to tell her to choose between ankara wearing inlaws who stress her daughter and non ankara wearing ones who let her daughter be .

Despite me saying that to my mum i kinda see her point sometimes,family is family and quirks and all it is fun to have that closeness.

Lol! I read that thread and I was just laughing. We have a wedding coming up in March and you don't wanna know how many pictures have been exchanged on group chat....picking aso ebi and whatnot.

Occasionally we have little tiffs sef because one person thinks we are not as involved in their thing. ...whatever it is as we were for another person. Lol.

Having watched my older siblings tread the path less traveled, I think it made it easier for me to know what not to do and that is - Force Acceptance. If he doesn't wanna be as into it as I am, I won't take offense. ...Although he will be the one missing out because they don't come any more funner than my family (I am baised I know) but he shouldn't expect me to cut them off.

Another thing is to know how to balance things....we pretty much know 4pm is like the cut off time for phone chats because this is when after school activity runs starts and then family time which more often than not is doing homework with the kids, having dinner and gisting with the SO after kids have been put to bed. Weekend is also one of those back away from the sibling days... Ain't nobody calling anyone at that time. ...except you just found out you won the lottery and it's enough money to set all of us for life, then feel free to call.

Same both ways for hubby and I. We come very close knitted family. In order of priorities

1. My marriage (as long as hubby remains good to me )
2. My kids
3. My extended family members.

When I was getting married, my mum told me to see them (both families) as my second family and my husband my first.

As per being close, even I chat with my dad fifty times a day, my husband's worse though, he calls my parents more than I call them.

Lol, try having 7 sisters and loads of cousins. We have the group thing.
I take pictures of what I wear and send each morning because they feel am fashion challenged and they decide what stays and goes.
Being the baby they feel they can always tell me what to do.
Its just fun, we go for weddings post pictures for review, lol that's our fun time.
Hubby has all brother so they talk but not as much, they can just sit the for hours and shop or talk
Our Dad screams that when we are together we move around like bees.
Just try to create a balance, my husband has given up oh, he just tells me "easy on the gossip"

Damn! Read the 1st five line and I don't even knw wat da heck to make out of it...ur writing sha.

debrief08: Lol, try having 7 sisters and loads of cousins. We have the group thing.
I take pictures of what I wear and send each morning because they feel am fashion challenged and they decide what stays and goes.
Being the baby they feel they can always tell me what to do.
Its just fun, we go for weddings post pictures for review, lol that's our fun time.
Hubby has all brother so they talk but not as much, they can just sit the for hours and shop or talk
Our Dad screams that when we are together we move around like bees.
Just try to create a balance, my husband has given up oh, he just tells me "easy on the gossip"

Lol@ the fashion challenged.I thought it was only me and my sis that exchanged pictures on what we wear.Or do you think this hairstyle will fit me.

I do think the balance is key sha.I guess the difference is maybe he cant get why we have to in each other business so much and so kinda cant understand why we keep trying to force him to be that way.My siblings and mum used to get pissed that my husband only calls like 3 or 4 times a month.It took alot of explaining to let them know that is even waaay more than he calls his own siblings.He does not mind all our wahala but we have had issues in the past when i try to force him.Eg aso ebi cap etc.I just feel its unafrican and he tells me has more important things on his mind than aunty s 50th birthday party .He will go but sometimes will want to wear jeans sef after i have sewn the aso ebi.Or if i go before him,i just see him show up in shirt and trouser when the whole family is in uniform .It used to get to me but i am learning to just accept him for who he is.

Lol, your own better self.
My husband will show up in Jeans and God help you if you ask him why, you will get a long lecture in "wasteful spendings" and how the money would have been better served building or renovating 2 blocks of classroom.
So everybody just avoids him jejerly.
I have never been an ase obi fan sha, my sisters know, I just do colours, am usually odd except when they shove it down my throat.
I have a favorite sister so they just give her and tell her to make sure I sow it she drags me to the tailor, she is one I can't say No to.

My family of 5 are also very close. We like u guys, also have a family group... but just for us strictly.

Hubby is just like urs, OP. He's such that i have to really say this and that to get him to reach out to his family.

I speak with my mom daily...in fact, immediately i got married, we would talk like every one to 2 hours... wen i get to d office, i'd say...wen i get home...i'd say.

but, now, its a bit reduced, my dad... i must see like every weekend...good thing we stay not so far from them.

sha, i guess most guys r like that sha... but my brothers are just like us

Did not want to create a new thread for this but am kinda upset this morning.Been awake for a while but will soon have to wake everybody for church .


My mum is around and we had a major bust up yesterday.I am also not talking to my husband at the mo.I rarely talk to outsiders about my family but spoke to a close aunty who i knowvis neutral but turns out she is not the best candidate.She is half english(her mum is english)so her advise reflected this and was sort of not really diplomatic.

I know i have talked about how in your face my mum can be and in the past has sometimes created issues in my marriage.She tends to pigeon hole people on 'how' they should be and can be quite funny if they are not.She and my das had the kind of marriage whereby my mum was in charge of the house.I dont think any member of my dad family spent more than a few days in the house but everyone of my mums siblings and alot of cousins lived with us for extended periods.And am talking about years.My dad (God bless his soul no send missing him so much right now ) would just go out to clubhouse if the noise was getting yoo much.If i am honest,this arrangement had more Cons than pros but guess family is family.As stated on this thread,my husband comes from a diff background.

The issue is my mum expects my home to be like hers.Yesterday morning she told me that her cousin was coming over from Bristol and would be sleeping over and leave on monday morning.She was like abi your husband will say no in a sarcastic manner.This one that you guys have to be discussing before people can sleep in your house.He should know that elebi lawa(we r family people) and if they dont ko ebi mora(are not extended family people)thats their business.Ihonestly did not know what to say to her.I told mum why do you like putting us in this situation.How can you just be telling me this morning?She said she just confirmed as they were meant to be going out this morning(sun morn) to see another cousin.I was like is she on her way?She said yes.

I told hubby and for some odd reason maybe to prove a point he said No.I was like babes please she is on the train already.He said no.Do i or any member of my family just spring visits on you without me asking if you are ok with having a guest first?To be honest,it never happens,he will always ask babes are you ok with x coming to stay over for a few days.I never say no but he always asks.Its more always my family that springs all this suprise visits.And he goes along for my sake.So he said no and i got angry that he was putting me in a difficult situation.

Went back to my mum and she was like let me talk to him.I said no but she insisted.He told her mummy No,we will pay for B and B(am so horrffied).My mum then came back to me and started saying all sorts.Like if i knew he was alasokan i wont have let you marry him(yoruba peeps what is alasokan?).All sorts.I said mum you know this is putting me in a difficult situation.She was like we are africans bla bla.

I thought he would change his mind but he did not.My mum too is mad that he disrespected her.She got angry and has gone to sleep in the B and B with her cousin.She refused me dropping them and paying.

My friend said i should have stuck with my husband and not begged him.That even her own mum cant come without she and her husband discussing first.But i think 2 nights wont kill him cos i dont know what rubbish point he is trying to prove.Its more annoying that he is being calm.and acting like everything is normal.My mum is threatening to not come back and i feel so angry at the mo cos they are both putting me in the middle.

Guys how can i handle this?

Dami sweetheart you just touched my heart with your expression missing grandpa, it's okay babè , won o ni binu ni o , awa elero pupo wahala wa man po and she's your mom Abeg, no vex pls, only you know how to soothe your husband and pls don't let them exchange words right now things are heated and they may utter regretful words esp from him to mum.

As per threat from grandma you know that's not possible, she's there to see you and her grandchildren and she knows she can't chose her relatives over you. She'd come around dont worry.


Brb good night.

Go and apologise and make up with your husband.
The people you are quarelling with him over the cousins I mean are at peace with their own families.
Why should people spring up on you? He was right to make a stand, let people respect each other.
Your mum is being dramatic, she will calm down, you are wasting precious earth time not speaking with a man who loves you because of cousins who have stayed somewhere else will finish and go back to the welcoming loving hands of their own husbands?
Damiso, stop it, I am sorry but he is right, next time they will give you advance notice
You are the only one suffering from the whole issue no one else, Your Mom shouldn't put you in that position.
Na you wan feel bad oh, stop trying to please everyone, life is too short, oya get off Nairaland apologise and have sweet make up s3x

Damiso. ..as much as i feel your anger and frustration over this issue, i want to speak from a man 's perspective. .....YOUR HUSBAND HAS DONE THE RIGHT THING.
i believe Mama was beginning to challenge his authority IN HIS OWN HOUSE. I for one will definitely handle it differently cos you are the proverbial grass that suffers when two elephants fight. He should should have allowed your cousin to come over and go, then you gonna get it.....such that when next Mama ever brings such matter up, even you will shoot it down yourself without having to get to him.
I believe he must have eavesdrop on Mama calling him ALASOKAN.....which means a "me and my spouse only" kind of person, hence his anger and insistence on not allowing such visitor in.

Dust up your angry self and just take it as a lesson for another day. You know your mum better, you handle her yourself without having to involve hubby at all.

Pele, gimme a smile. ...you don't wanna go to church with an angry heart oooo. it is well.

jidegirl12: Dami sweetheart you just touched my heart with your expression missing grandpa, it's okay babè , won o ni binu ni o , awa elero pupo wahala wa man po and she's your mom Abeg, no vex pls, only you know how to soothe your husband and pls don't let them exchange words right now things are heated and they may utter regretful words esp from him to mum.

As per threat from grandma you know that's not possible, she's there to see you and her grandchildren and she knows she can't chose her relatives over you. She'd come around dont worry.


Brb good night.

Thats what my friend said that maybe its best mum was not in at the mo so they wont exchange words.He is being sooo calm about the whole thing but being quietly stubborn.

Baba Oyo: Damiso. ..as much as i feel your anger and frustration over this issue, i want to speak from a man 's perspective. .....YOUR HUSBAND HAS DONE THE RIGHT THING.
i believe Mama was beginning to challenge his authority IN HIS OWN HOUSE. I for one will definitely handle it differently cos you are the proverbial grass that suffers when two elephants fight. He should should have allowed your cousin to come over and go, then you gonna get it.....such that when next Mama ever brings such matter up, even you will shoot it down yourself without having to get to him.
I believe he must have eavesdrop on Mama calling him ALASOKAN.....which means a "me and my spouse only" kind of person, hence his anger and insistence on not allowing such visitor in.

Dust up your angry self and just take it as a lesson for another day. You know your mum better, you handle her yourself without having to involve hubby at all.

Pele, gimme a smile. ...you don't wanna go to church with an angry heart oooo. it is well.

I will smile. :DSo thats what alasokan means.She keeps using the word and i keep meaning to ask her what it means but forget.

debrief08: Go and apologise and make up with your husband.
The people you are quarelling with him over the cousins I mean are at peace with their own families.
Why should people spring up on you? He was right to make a stand, let people respect each other.
Your mum is being dramatic, she will calm down, you are wasting precious earth time not speaking with a man who loves you because of cousins who have stayed somewhere else will finish and go back to the welcoming loving hands of their own husbands?
Damiso, stop it, I am sorry but he is right, next time they will give you advance notice
You are the only one suffering from the whole issue no one else, Your Mom shouldn't put you in that position.
Na you wan feel bad oh, stop trying to please everyone, life is too short, oya get off Nairaland apologise and have sweet make up s3x

Maybe later lets get back from church .But debrief as baba oyo said is what i was trying to tell him.I had made up my mind to look for a way to talk to mum about her respecting the rules in my own house.In her house,she tells dad x is coming to stay and my daddy would say when?But my husband is diff and our relationship is diff.I just felt for my sake he should have said ok.but this is the last time.Next time i would be the one to say No without him hearing sef.

Now its turning to family issue cos another aunty just called me from Nigeria.I told her i dont want to talk about it as am on my way to church but that we will be fine.My mum is not picking my calls and the aunty wants my husband to go and apologise.

I am sorry, I don't understand, why should your husband go and apologise?
What did he do wrong? Take a disciplined stand in his own house?
Hmmmm, Damiso, Damiso, Damiso, your Mom has her own home oh, be careful.
Anyway, just hope your husband is not like mine, because I won't even let him hear the "go and apologise" issue.
I am sorry but your mom should know her limits and respect your husband, she has no right to decide for him what goes on in his house.
I am really trying to understand how this even became an issue.
Mum calls so and so is coming
Husband, No they can't keep springing up on us, I don't want to encourage that trend in my house
Mum and cousin stay somewhere else
Mum creates drama, demands for apology from husband.

Hmmmmm, your husband is patient my dear. Respect your Mom but let her know the only place she can determine what goes on is her own house.

What is this thread about?

Hmm... Learning a lot but I believe this is about the authority that mr dami feels he should exercise his authortity

Things will eventually calm down
Make no statements to aggracate anyone but more importantly placate your hubby as when mummy goes back home ;You stay with him.



It is well with You

@baba oyo.. o tojo meta; ayun yin yan mi o

tpia@:
What is this thread about?

Seriously not cool..thumb down.

Damiso, like everyone has said, your husband has done nothing wrong. He has just had enough and has decided to show it. You should rather be thanking him for finally putting his foot down. With all due respect, it's high time your mom changed. She can't be the one dictating who comes and goes in your marital home now. She will calm down later. Hopefully when you calm down, you will appreciate what your husband is trying to do. I don't think he should apologize jare, because mama might take it as freedom to continue to try and control things.


Not trying to bash your mom o but it's time to be firm with her.

LOL @ ALASOKAN,I laugh in Efik.

@OP,
As most people haveadvised you please go and make up with your husband. No man will want his authority challebged in his own house.
Most of the problems in marriages come from members of extended families wanting to interfer in what is not their business.
Your husband comes first,then your children and then the extended family! If you follow this ideology no body can disrupt your marriage.
I know mama is your mother,but in this case she is completely wrong to invite your cousin suddenly and without your hubbys permission,although I feel hubby could have handled the matter with a lot more diplomacy.
Dearie,go and make peace with your husband and communicate. Let him know he hurt you by allowing mama and your cousin to leave for a B&B without him trying to stop them.
My sincere advise-couples should NEVER stop LOVING and COMMUNICATING with each other.

Damiso, I really don't understand u oooo. U want your husband to apologise to your mother? For what exactly? For taking a stance in his own home? For not letting your mum undermine his authority? Sorry, but your mum shouldn't decide who stays in the house and who doesn't! I'm sure your hubby has had enough of her drama hence his refusal. If u make your man apologise to your mum, u will only be passing on a message to your mum that she has a say in your house and that she can do anything and get away with it.

Now, in your earlier post, u stated that your immediate family is placed at par with your extended family. . . I guess that is why u are confused. Now, get this, your immediate family comes first before your extended family! And this is whether u like it or not. D earlier u start realising that, the better for u and your home.

Damiso, this is from one sister to another. . . If u don't handle this drama from your mum, u will be putting the peace in your home in jeopardy. You have a home to nurture, don't let your mum ruin it for u.

Now, please go make peace with your hubby. He hasn't done anything wrong. I would do same if I were in his shoes. No man wants to be belittled in his own home. As for your mum, she will come around.

Honestly sis this is what we get from our Alhaji &Alhajas parents..... my dad used to say , ti omode ba she ko apologize, ti agbalagba be se ki omode yen tun apologize, ( meaning: in a conflict , it doesn't matter who's at fault but the youngest must apologize either way to the eldest to show respect)

I dealt with that statement my whole life thinking how unfair life is, why should I apologize when I didn't do anything wrong?

Like I always handle mine,it's your job to clean this mess up with grandma ( boundaries ) , let her understand its not fair on the guy and how you and your spouse don't like last minute guest, let them talk eventually but it's up to him to apologize. And pls watch your tongue what you utter to mom, patience pls.

Alasokan-Alakowe-me and my wife.

Where's @Greatgod & CC & MMtimo?

Thanks everyone ;DJust left church and actually not even angry anymore.Came on NL cos i wanted discreet views seperate from my friend's as she is quite british (oloyinbo as mim will say )and as most of you have said i think my husband is passing a message across.The guy don try and yeah i accept blame for maybe not being continously firm with my mum.Lil things like turning our kids naming ceremony into party when we have said we just want something small and so many other lil stuff like that.

I think its my onus to step up my game but as jidegirl said this our alhaja and alhaja mums are something else.I dont think hubby has to apologise as such but my aunty who suggested it was coming fro jidegirl POV in yoruba culture that elders are always right.My mums main grouse he slighted her by still saying no to her face.That you dont do that your ana(in law).I found out what B and B they are at and will.go there to talk to her and make her see that the intial fault came from.her.

I wont force him to apologise cos he wont as he feels he is within his right to say who sleeps in his house.But i will make peace by talking to her and letting her see that he has had enough patience over the years.I also need to apologise to my husband just to let him see that it was not like i was taking sides.I just wanted him to be a lil diplomatic as our culture dictates(yoruba culture sort of encourages pretence esp when dealing with elders)

Phew i thought it was women who had issues with inlaws.Thanks guys.

Hmmmm...learning...!

You have a really patient man for a husband .
Your husband and your children comes first.
You were married out of ur father's house to ur husband's house .
Your husband telling u about ur calls mean he has been observing for some time now and feel that some people might be influencing u from outside and it is true cos u say u could do anything to make ur siblings happy and that may include going against ur husband since he is the odd man out in ur conversation circle.
.
Limit the time spent on calls with ur 'former' family . Bring that closeness into ur new family and put ur husband first before anyone or anything including ur BB

I see this with strong, used-to-running-things women. They are typically independently comfortable financially ( would not be surprised if Mom is paying for the B&B). They mean well but really just prefer to run things the way they want. Their own husbands are usually easy going gentlemen that trust them to run things.I think secretly, they pray their daughters don't marry loud, troublesome men

I will tell you about my own experience - In the very early years of my marriage, arriving Oyinbo land and learning what it meant to budget, my Mom would visit and buy(for my home) things she wanted in our apartment that we could not afford and didn't consider priorities. She would be like, how can you not buy a pressure cooker? Why did you not buy Lagostina? How long is this life that one will be inconveniencing one's self? What kind of shop is this? Why not buy at ??(Pricier store). How come you don't have so and so kitchen gadget? You should buy so and so colored shoes to go with that, How much is $120 compared to the convenience of having so and so gadget, etc, etc. Basically, trying to create her own home's comforts in my own home.
We would discuss stuff in front of her, she was always ready to assist financially if we needed money.

These women train other people's kids, they are generous and used to solving other people's problems, including the non financial. Their relatives see them as go-to people, they are "fixers" and they see their kids' homes as extensions of theirs and want their daughters to ko yan mora like them. They take pride in people saying Mrs Lagbaja's daughter is just like her mother, very generous and helpful, very respectful, etc. Their personality is a brand they want reflected in their children, daughters in particular.

Don't know where your Mom lives but the ones I know have lived in Lagos most of their lives, don't know if it's the water out there lol. A friend's Mom, more or less forcefully arranged house servants for her daughtet against the couple's wishes and many more stories

You have to be the one to insulate your husband. The scenario where your husband looked her in the face to say no should not have occurred. You will need to make the boundaries clear and make it clear if your husband does not want it, it won't happen. I am my mother's daughter but built tougher. When I realized I was becoming offended by some of her acts and utterances, I set her straight myself. My Dad and husband were the ones trying to make peace between us.
They are Moms and know what buttons to push (emotional blackmail) but once they realize what's up, it gets better. They come to realize you have your own lives to live and you are willing to accept support without allowing her to decide things.


Just that you have to communicate the boundaries, your husband should not be placed in that uncomfortable position. The good thing is they hate "arifin" disrespect, so will avoid such scenarios in the future. By the way, I still accept awoof from her,but no strings attached.
, she knows I can "daju" her if she pushes me.
I could write more but let me stop for now

Wow,great perspectives

MMotimo: I see this with strong, used-to-running-things women. They are typically independently comfortable financially ( would not be surprised if Mom is paying for the B&B). They mean well but really just prefer to run things the way they want. Their own husbands are usually easy going gentlemen that trust them to run things.I think secretly, they pray their daughters don't marry loud, troublesome men

I will tell you about my own experience - In the very early years of my marriage, arriving Oyinbo land and learning what it meant to budget, my Mom would visit and buy(for my home) things she wanted in our apartment that we could not afford and didn't consider priorities. She would be like, how can you not buy a pressure cooker? Why did you not buy Lagostina? How long is this life that one will be inconveniencing one's self? What kind of shop is this? Why not buy at ??(Pricier store). How come you don't have so and so kitchen gadget? You should buy so and so colored shoes to go with that, How much is $120 compared to the convenience of having so and so gadget, etc, etc. Basically, trying to create her own home's comforts in my own home.
We would discuss stuff in front of her, she was always ready to assist financially if we needed money.

These women train other people's kids, they are generous and used to solving other people's problems, including the non financial. Their relatives see them as go-to people, they are "fixers" and they see their kids' homes as extensions of theirs and want their daughters to ko yan mora like them. They take pride in people saying Mrs Lagbaja's daughter is just like her mother, very generous and helpful, very respectful, etc. Their personality is a brand they want reflected in their children, daughters in particular.

Don't know where your Mom lives but the ones I know have lived in Lagos most of their lives, don't know if it's the water out there lol. A friend's Mom, more or less forcefully arranged house servants for her daughtet against the couple's wishes and many more stories

You have to be the one to insulate your husband. The scenario where your husband looked her in the face to say no should not have occurred. You will need to make the boundaries clear and make it clear if your husband does not want it, it won't happen. I am my mother's daughter but built tougher. When I realized I was becoming offended by some of her acts and utterances, I set her straight myself. My Dad and husband were the ones trying to make peace between us.
They are Moms and know what buttons to push (emotional blackmail) but once they realize what's up, it gets better. They come to realize you have your own lives to live and you are willing to accept support without allowing her to decide things.


Just that you have to communicate the boundaries, your husband should not be placed in that uncomfortable position. The good thing is they hate "arifin" disrespect, so will avoid such scenarios in the future. By the way, I still accept a woof from her,but no strings attached.
, she knows I can "daju" her if she pushes me.
I could write more but let me stop for now

Wow,mmotimo you just described my mum to a tee. And yes though ijebu,born,bred and buttered in Lagos,Lagos island to be precise ;DI guess as her first daughter there is this kindo hold or should i say awe i have for the woman.I find it very difficult to wo oju won(dont know how to say it in english)but i think as you have alluded to,i need to lay firmer boundaries.Right now she is still giving me drama that my husband made her feel uncomfortable in our house.
I should have not involved him or said i have to ask him.I should have said No straight up.But as you said alhaja is the queen of emotional blackmail.My siblings even say sis you can fall for mum hen.
Funny enough she is expecting an apology from my husband after i have apologised and explained it was not a slight.Her cousin is just annoying me more cos i dont even know the foolish womans stand sef.She seems like she is begging for me eni bi inu awon omo yin ni won(you wont be offended they are your kids)next min its won kin se ana be(you dont do in law like that).Am rolling my eyes and thinking MYOB.
Hubby said he will call mummy to please come home as the kids miss her but i know he wont apologise and i dont want to nag him too.

Oh well i guess its B and B tonight again cos i cant kill myself.Iv begged and explained and really do not need this drama.I know i have not been disrespectful so na she know.

The apology part is sensitive because it will need to come from your husband. The apology is really just to soothe her ego, not to say next time she can do the same thing again. It's to create the opportunity for her to come back. It does not even have to be heartfelt and idobale (to prostrate) is not needed. It's a "Mommy, e ma binu Ma" kinda thing, said over the phone without delving into the genesis (even if she steers the discussion that way). Just "yes Ma, yes Ma" When she returns, everyone pretends nothing happened and life goes on but trust me, lessons have been learnt. It's your husband's prerogative though.

Right now, she's feeling rejected, and wondering why it's such a big deal that should lead to "arifin". It was my husband that explained to me - these people are already old, change is tough for them so you have to invest extra effort to manage their hurt feelings.

I have learnt that "e ma binu" is a good way to shut down drama from elders. Wherever they tell the story of what someone did to them, the person will ask "did they apologize?" Once they say "yes" story is over. Because people would say "what else do you want the children to do, shebi they have begged you".

I wanted to suggest that ( he should apologize) but I kinda opted for his choice as he's an adult and can make own decisions, parents ( mine inclusive) need to understand that these men are from different background from their own that they boss ( us) around as they wish cos they have money

Dami should apologize on his behalf shikena= boundaries things so mom knows its no joke this time.

Give her a hug and use your softest voice, she has no choice, she's stuck.

damiso:

Wow,mmotimo you just described my mum to a tee. And yes though ijebu,born,bred and buttered in Lagos,Lagos island to be precise ;DI guess as her first daughter there is this kindo hold or should i say awe i have for the woman.I find it very difficult to wo oju won(dont know how to say it in english)but i think as you have alluded to,i need to lay firmer boundaries.Right now she is still giving me drama that my husband made her feel uncomfortable in our house.
I should have not involved him or said i have to ask him.I should have said No straight up.But as you said alhaja is the queen of emotional blackmail.My siblings even say sis you can fall for mum hen.
Funny enough she is expecting an apology from my husband after i have apologised and explained it was not a slight.Her cousin is just annoying me more cos i dont even know the foolish womans stand sef.She seems like she is begging for me eni bi inu awon omo yin ni won(you wont be offended they are your kids)next min its won kin se ana be(you dont do in law like that).Am rolling my eyes and thinking MYOB.
Hubby said he will call mummy to please come home as the kids miss her but i know he wont apologise and i dont want to nag him too.

Oh well i guess its B and B tonight again cos i cant kill myself.Iv begged and explained and really do not need this drama.I know i have not been disrespectful so na she know.

Please read these articles to find valuable information on dealing with inlaws and the extended family.

www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20100201/dealing-with-in-laws/

and

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20080201/managing-conflicts/

You may also share it with your hubby. If you follow the suggestions, it will help your family. Cheers.