Introduction

Hello there, (I throwey salute o)

My name is Tosin, a Nigerian born young woman living in the UK, for the past 4 years. How did I land here sef? Long story, its fine sha; at least I have experienced another side of life and eaten some kinds of food I never imagined (haahaha! I like food), but the koko of the matter be say I don tire for this place and that is to say I am going home * straight face*.

Everyday of my life in this country, I see things that get me thinking, but I have no friends to share it with so I have decided to start blogging. I am not an illegal immigrant and I have an OK job with a company listed on the LSE (all glory to God) but what am I saying sef, the able Queen spends my salary *rolls eyes*. At the end of the day, when payslip lands plus all the bills waiting to be paid, u go wan shed tears. You guys in Naija are having a ball o, for here TV Licence, council tax, MOT, car insurance, mobile phone bill, landline rental fee, electricity bill, water and sewage bill, broadband bill, satellite bill, road tax plus my rent..from one person, in one month and I never talk food, clothes or faaji, Haaa Iya Charlie, Her Royal Majesty, God is watching you in HD o.


I wake up at 5.30am everyday to get to work for 8am and the oyibos in my office think I am mad but I no blame dem, sebi they can choose jobs, who dash Oluwatosin with my thick African accent. Do you know how many interviews I attended before God blessed me with this one? At those interviews, I will try my best to speak fone but before the interview ends my true Naija accent go don comot, kai I suffer no be small that time and the kain job wey I dey do, oyibos sef dey do am, so the competition tight well well. That accent issue sha, I don fall my hand so many times, we go discuss am later.



Anyways, at work they call me all sorts- Soldier, Usain Bolt (because of the speed at which I work), but me no send o. I know my aim and that isGuess! To save enough and gerrout..hehehe.


Make I no lie sha, my colleagues are nice and not racist or horrible to me directly, but who knows what goes on behind my back ( I NO SEND, if na Naija I dey now, ehn ehn I go fit break bottle..lol).


The koko of this blog is to share with you guys (my new online friends) everything my eye dey see for this place called UK. The amazing things I see at work, on the tube, bus, on trains and in my neighbourhood. How could I have left such wonderful weather, food and lovely people to settle here?? Anyway I have woken up from my slumber. To everyone aspiring to come here, I wish you luck o, I have tried within me to love this place but its just not happening, maybe I am too local? Who knows?? I prefer Oshodi Oshodi -Mile 12 tunes, dragging generator and fighting conductor life jare..leave story, this place too dull. Kai!


Also, this blog is an avenue for me to vent till my money is complete and I finally make it back to my homeland, so it’s a journey I am embarking on with you guys.


Today, my complain is the way oyibos look at me as if I am too fat, shuo….because my bum is big? I am not fat o (a decent size 12-14 at 5ft 11” what are you talking? Kim K take a seat *rolls eyes*). Kai! I miss Naija days when I was the toast of town because of my bum, see as guys dey fall that time. Now, they give me one eye as I am rolling across in my office like say see as this one be, what do they know??Shio. Even yeye black boys here join them in giving me that look..hahaha, I laugh at those ones because I know they are only trying to feel among. It’s not in your nature mate!

Anyways, me sef don dey try gym and eat healthy but I doubt if I can ever be lepa, even if I am, my bum will always be there, it’s a free gift of nature to me and the women in my family.


My colleague who is like size 4-6, tinrin like anything is always on a diet and goes to the gym daily, I look at her and shake my head, (sha no go collapse for gym one day),if to say na my homeland, nothing for you o. No correct bobo in Naija and I repeat, no correct bobo in Naija likes bones. (Am right abi *smiles*). For here, na bones dey reign, in other words, people like us in the UK have a problem while the tinrin ones are the OK ones. Oshi!! Come see Toolz for Naija and fear now *nuff respect sis though I am a learner beside you and no mind all those Linda Ikeji readers wey make u go dey push heavy tyre, people get mouth sha*

Speaking of food, lunchtime is hell for me at work, what is there to eat sef? Salad, sandwich and crisps, jacket potato or you go and eat burger or KFC? The canteen in my office, no words describe the oshi dey produce. I am always looking for hot food with my small lunch budget. (I no come count bridge for London). Na the soup dey vex me pass, which kain levels?? My colleague I mentioned above, takes abi drinks soup for lunch everyday (dem curse that girl, I swear).

Kai, I remember with mixed feelings the days of afang and edikaikong at lunchtime in VI or Jollof rice, moi moi and chicken from Chicken Republic. Sigh! NIGERIA- Oluwatosin misses you dearly.


I am happy to answer questions and receive criticisms in the comments section, also please follow me on twitter @tosinswagger for live updates , . Hopefully everything works out well with this blog and I am able to post daily. (make Met Police and HRM no begin find me sha because na mess I wan mess their country for here)..*jokes*


Catch you guys tomorrow

Love XX (me sef don dey use x like oyibos..Hehehe)

http://homesicknigeriangirlintheuk..co.uk/

sorry mods, please i don't want a diary. I want a story so I can interact with readers like Ishi and Flow do. Thanks

i don follow yu on twitter abeg ff me bck ......i gbadu ur swag

Finally, people are "letting it out"!

tosinswagger: sorry mods, please i don't want a diary. I want a story so I can interact with readers like Ishi and Flow do. Thanks

lol and I was almost suggesting a diary. It's a nice idea though - wantin to interact with readers. Lets see how it goes..*following*

Hey, tell of the packed like sardine morning underground rides into central LDN.

Reminds me of "bumper to bumper" Lagos molue rides!!!!

:-)

tosinswagger: sorry mods, please i don't want a diary. I want a story so I can interact with readers like Ishi and Flow do. Thanks

I wonder why. Cos threads like this dhould be in the Diary section

Enyaa sowe dear....dont u hav fam members ova der

Hi guys,

Thanks for the comments

@Osat, Following you already :-)

@Ayobase, he no easy ..lol

@Mynd, i wanted it this way so I can receive comments here just incase the blog is not popular

@Tedpgrass, Most definetely I'll write about that including all the smell this winter period that people don't have a bath..hahaha

@Cikolo, no fam o

I'll update soon, thanks for the warm reception

Yeeeeeeee it's the Weekend.


Ladies and gentlemen, a standing ovation please…for who I hear you ask, for sunshine ni o..Jeez! I have never been so excited about sunshine in my life. I woke up this morning and saw sunlight, kai! Person don suffer for here o. Do you know that for the past 6 months we have been living in the freezer? It has been so depressing. I hear Naija pips complaining about heat, you guys are lucky o, you see sunshine everyday. Honestly, you don’t know what you have till you lose it. Do you know how many people have died from cold this winter?? Close to 6,000. Please provide the names of people heat has killed in Nigeria…end of!! At the end of the day, na me and the cold sha, I no dey fall hand at all, I fit nack 12 outfits at once and nobody will know..ehnn Oluwatosin cannot come and die in a foreign land, from what??cold. Tufiakwa


Today is Saturday. Yeee! I love the weekend so much like everyone else, but my own reason for loving it is different. Apart from the much needed rest, I can take a break from twisting my tongue at work in an attempt to posh up my accent. Two days of talking normally, wow I love weekends. You guys don’t know how hard it is for you to talk and everyone looks around trying to find who the outcast is. I particularly hate conference calls.


In this country, I only talk when it is absolutely necessary. I know dey talk anyhow for here o because the looks that follow no dey too good at all. I can’t wait to return to Nigeria where I can talk without fear of being looked at in a funny way. It’s a serious matter o., you need to see me at presentations…hahahaha! I dey always laugh my self sef.


My post for the day just came in and T-Mobile sent a letter saying they have increased my tariff and it will take effect from May. Please are you allowed to change prices when a contract has been signed?? I bet if I call now they will say check your terms and conditions, who has time to be reading long terms and conditions. Hiss!


Ok sha, I want to go and make my hair today and I have decided to go to a jamo salon. If you don’t know what that means, I am referring to a salon owned by Jamaican ladies and I have heard that they are good at making hair. Honestly, I have done charity for too long here. Nigerian ladies have showed me pepper. They claim they are good hairdressers and as a good Nigerian, I always want to patronise my sisters. At the end of the day I find out they are not as good as they claim and because hair is so expensive here (between £40 - £50 ), I end up managing the hair till the next payday. Kai ! I miss Nigeria, those days I fit vex lose hair wey I just make and do another. How much be hair that time sef? Although I heard Nigerian girls have spoilt hairdressers now but I bet it’s still a lot cheaper than UK and you can get very good hairdressers at reasonable prices.


A big thanks to everyone who has visited my blog since I started last night, special thanks to http://fashionandstylepolice.com/ for being the 1st to leave a comment. Please visit his/her website, it’s ‘shamazing’. Please follow me on twitter @tosinswagger and share with your friends.





Catch ya tomorrow


http://homesicknigeriangirlintheuk..co.uk/2013/04/yeeeeeeee-its-weekend.html

...sorry dear. ..it seems the so called green pastures are not green after all. ..you can as well go for low cut hair styles at the barbing salon lol. . ....that one no need weekly replacement na

*following*

@ Mr Nigeria..lol. You wan spoil fine girl, my ijebu no reach that level

@ OMITAF thanks. :-)

I can’t believe I just started this blog and I am missing days of not blogging already. I apologise for not posting yesterday, I was very busy. Doing what I hear you ask??…………………..watching Yoruba movies ni *hides face in shame again* (by now, I bet you can tell I am one bush geh, your guess is right). Honestly, Sundays are always chilled out days for me, I go to church and spend the rest of the afternoon watching Yoruba movies on YouTube and Irokotv, God bless those guys that upload them. I call them stress relievers because that's what they do to me.(Please note I only watch from the guys licensed to do so, I want the Yoruba movie industry to progress *straight face*). Apologies to nollywood movies but honestly I can’t stand the fakeness (is there a word like that?)

Today I want to ask you guy’s a question, why are majority of oyibo people so patient? They are so patient that sometimes I want to fight for them sef. On Saturday, I jumped on the bus to go make my hair, I did my calculations and realised it was better than driving my fuel and paying for parking. If you like call me ijebu, I need it, I am a walking calculator and I save every penny saveable. How else can my money be complete on time and I can move back to my beloved homeland? Anyway, I was on the bus and we got to a bustop, two of my sisters stepped in (I heard them speaking Yoruba) and they stood in front of the driver and started searching their bags. Honestly, for close to two minutes, they were both searching their bags non challantly whilst speaking to each other in loud voices. It was so annoying. After, like three minutes they both looked up (as if planned) and told the driver they didn't have money. I nearly fainted on my sit. Two grownup women in the city of London could not produce £2 each and they kept us waiting for so long. Later these people will be telling people back home in Naija how sweet UK is. Shio!. To cut the long story short, the driver told them to get off. The koko of my story is that the bus driver was not even upset or angry, no one in the bus even noticed or looked impatient (except me na, I was already moving from side to side..lol) and we drove off. In my head, I pictured if this had happened in the city of Lagos, I trust the drivers, conductors and passengers, dem no dey fall hand at all. You can’t delay them for 2 seconds not to talk of 3minutes. I think the drivers in other states still have a higher patience threshold..Haahaha! E ko onibaje.

The week has started in earnest and the weather is still gloomy jare. Sebi I told you guys on Saturday that the sun was out but let me tell you a secret. If you see the sun shining in the UK and you dress like its summer, trust me you are on your own o. I was not deceived by the sunshine over the weekend at all and I dressed like I will normally dress in freezing temperatures. (At some point, I was sweating make I no lie, I over did the dressing warm as usual). I saw so many people dressed up like its warm weather, I was just doing #yinmu. All of a sudden, the weather changed, come and see people shaking...hahahaha. In my mind, I said are you a learner?? So u see small sun for UK you begin dress like say you dey hot county. This country has the most unstable weather in the whole world (my opinion). There is even a saying ‘as unpredictable as the British weather’. One of my long list of reasons why I love Naija jere. Do you know the 1st time I came here, I used to stand at the bustop and weep during winter, who send me message abi? God dey!

Guys have gotta go ..hehehe! That's me blowing fone o, you know its Monday now so I have switched to my phoney accent. Tomorrow I am going to vent about the issue of kids in this country, whoever came up with the idea of not spanking kids *confused* :-)

Catch ya later

Love XX

Obaje ti........9ja border is very near to hell fire nw and PHCN NEPA)dey suffer us now.

are u writting about me?

fankasibe: are u writting about me?

I nearly died of laughter.... . So many of us in the same boat love..XX

Mid Week Crisis

*Yawns* How hard is it to wake up at 5.30 am?? *yawns again*. Each time I hear my alarm go off in the mornings I fantasise for 5 minutes about winning the lottery and what I will do with the money, I spend the money sharply in my head. Dear God, all I ask for is 1million pounds (I am not too greedy abi..hahaha). The koko of my intro is that getting up this morning was so hard for me and it’s only Tuesday…God help lazy me.

Today I am seriously venting about the issue of kids in this county. At what point did someone come up with the ridiculous idea that it is wrong to spank kids?. OMG, what my eyes have seen since I have moved here has made me reach a conclusion that these people are crazy. Do you know how many times I have refrained myself from spanking someone’s naughty child in a supermarket, bus or train? I completely forget am in the UK and raise my hand before something tells me do you know where you are? Is he/she your child…lol
These kids are extremely naughty, the kinds of tantrums they throw is unbelievable and the parents stand there talking to them. Why waste your time giving a speech when an ordinary spank in the bum can solve the problem. Kai! I remember Naija growing up days, mama Tosin didn't have time, when she gives you one of her signature looks and you ignore her ehnn, the slap or smack that will follow, you will see stars and automatically behave yourself ni. We were programmed to behave ourselves everywhere and every time she was around. Here I have seen toddlers cursing their mothers, spitting on them and dragging their clothes in public and what do the mothers or fathers do? shout STOP it with one annoying thin voice, I just look at them SMH and move on, you are not ready. The sad part for me is Nigerians here have had to succumb to the law because of fear of social service taking your child away, I know of two couples that have had their kids seized because neighbours reported them that they spank their kids. I also went to a Nigerian kids party (turned owanbe) recently and most of the kids were so badly behaved that I was wondering, are these kids being raised by Nigerians?
Is this where you want me to raise my beloved kids in the future and watch them grow up in this scary UK environment? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t support child abuse, but kids have to be reminded once in a while who the boss is. Nigeria is the place o, if you don’t spank your kids sef, there are more than enough people to help you out, except ofcouse the yuppy mummies in Lekki have followed the UK trend o, if that is the case, they are on their own.

Speaking of UK owanbes, I hardly ever get invites so when I got a couple over the Easter weekend, I grabbed them with open hands and attended all. Infact, I waited till they started packing the chairs before I got up to leave each one..Hahahaha (that’s what boredom can do to you).

In 2012, I think I attended just two living room parties which are always horrible. The flats/apartments are always so tiny that guests are practically squeezed together like sardines. At the end of the day when you manage to get food to eat; you have to stand to eat it. What’s the point? So I don’t accept invites to flat parties *straight face*, I only accept invites to parties in houses (with gardens – summer only) and halls *fans self*.

Back to Easter weekend, I got invites to three posh parties and what didn't my eyes see. People have money to spend in this UK o, when poor Oluwatosin is gathering her little pennies and saving all to facilitate her return to Naija, some Nigerians are wasting it. Are you sure all these people wake up at 5.30am to go to a job like I do? If they do, how can they spend all on parties.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the parties but what struck me the most is the rate at which Naija women in London are bleaching and the kind of masquerade-like make up they apply. Jeez! How can you be bleaching your skin in UK? Don’t you know it makes cold penetrate you faster? I was surprised o.
On top of the heavy bleaching, I have never seen such heavy make up in my life especially the very thick black eyebrows….. my God, if you are reading this please stop and tell your friends, ya’ll look like masquerades. Please also refrain from wearing inappropriate clothing because of the amount of excess fat you carry, I don’t mean to be rude but we are sisters and we should be able to advise one another. Those guys you are trying to impress do not like women that look like masquerades…end of story. If you doubt my claims, please check Temidayo Photography on facebook, he is the most popular photographer in UK and captures most of these events, girls in Nigeria have carried last when it comes to bleaching and masquerade make up ooooooo, London girls are winning.

Hey guys please leave comments and let me know how I am doing, don’t want to mess myself o..lol. You can also follow me on twitter @tosinswagger and I’ll follow back.

Catch ya tomorrow

Love XX

http://homesicknigeriangirlintheuk..co.uk/2013/04/mid-week-crisis.html

I also heard london has the largest number of gays in the world. How were u able to cope in that strange and wierd environ.

I checked out the temidayo photography on Facebook and damn !!!! Those ladies and mamas can't do without opening their chest in gatherings. .... what about those skirts/gowns SO SHORT! well that photographer guy de enjoy oh. ..may be me self will come and learn photography in the UK and do some few months of intership with the guy

@ Mr Nigeria, yes o! London Girls are not smiling, you know 'life patners' here are very scarce so its survival of the fitest..hehe

tosinswagger:

I nearly died of laughter.... . So many of us in the same boat love..XX

op, u ar on point.
i'm a student likewise a per-time waitress in London, i hate all dis oyinbo pickin(spoilt brats)......i have my naija friendz here.

sighed when i noticed it was the end,nice work.Very entertaining!

Nyc tori. Keep updatin!

@op,
I must say i gbadun your intellectual swag, presenting ur opinions with lots of objectivity, humour and creativity. Patiently following !

Follow me back @abujabir

Thanks everyone for your wonderful comments. I am encouraged to carry on.

Hello people,

Apologies for not blogging yesterday, I was in a meeting all day from 8am to 5pm listening to our ogas at the top falling our hands…...Hehehehe, by the time I got home, I went straight to bed. You know those kind of meetings your eyes are open and you are nodding to everything they are saying but deep down you are fast asleep? If you can’t do that yet, you are on a long thing o. Oluwatosin can open are eyes wide and be fast asleep. *seriously*!!

Today I am going to be very serious and I mean very serious, no joking around or anything because I saw something that made my heart bleed.
I walked to a nearby mall during my lunch on Tuesday and I saw a black lady pushing the cleaning trolley, I blinked well and looked again and I said ahn ahn I know this babe now. I screamed her name and she hugged me. Jesu! What is this ‘omo onile olana’ (that means someone from a wealthy background) doing working as a cleaner in the UK. She is indeed from a very good background and we went to university together in Nigeria. Firstly, before I proceed I am not against people making a honest living here when you come in as a student etc but after I did my investigations, my amebo friends confirmed she came here on a visit visa and refused to go back home. What the heck is that? This girl was a big girl in Naija and I mean big girl who had everything going for her. I have not been myself since then and each time I think about her I want to cry.

Now listen carefully all Nigerian youths, if you decide to come here on a visit visa and disappear into thin air, na suffer dey wait you o. Please don’t give me stories of people that made it through that route. Save all the cash you want to put into the visa and ticket and start a business, even if you start selling rice or okrika. The UK Government is very strict on immigration now and people with papers sef can’t find jobs. I know some people will disagree with my opinion today but I have seen too many Nigerians here suffering that I wonder why? I just heard of a guy recently who got a post study visa and started working has a security guard; he has saved so much and decided to give all to a britico girl to marry him so he can apply for a spousal visa. What the heck? What if you don’t get the visa? I know someone else that has been waiting for 2 years to get the so called spousal visa. Why not take the money and go back home? The stories are countless.
What is the attraction to UK sef, bad weather, racism, unfriendly people, tiny houses, no friends or family, kids stabbing each other?? Kilode gan *angry face*.

In my opinion, the only set of Nigerians allowed here are Doctors and Nurses, even financial services guys can get good jobs at home jare.

I no get another tori today, I dey vex.

Catch ya tomorrow and please follow me on twitter @tosinswagger.

Love XX

@tosin me lyk ur tori, but wait ooo! Na so UK bad reach? Me tink say na heaven on earth b dose place? So dis one wey i dey see for pay-TV na false? Abi dem no dey show all d jist.. Babe mke u save wella b4 u come oo, bt @dsame time,no b say u go tell us say u dey in Love, u come giv ur BF d money u dey save, shine ur wella oo.

Its Friday..Yeeeee

Yes indeed, TGIF and it’s my favourite day of the week, bet you know why by now? Ofcouse the answer is I can talk normally from Friday evening till Monday morning …hahahahahaha.
When I moved here 4 years ago, my friends advised me to watch Eastenders and Coronation Street (British soaps) everyday to help my accent become posh. Hahahaha! I stopped after two days, which levels? Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my accent but it's a different ball game in the world I am in now. *sighs*.

After I posted my story yesterday, Wizee from Nairaland commented that I should save well and return home but I should avoid giving all the money to a man. I laughed and laughed ehnn, I almost fell of my chair. Me, Oluwatosin *beating my chest so hard*, carry my hard earned money (in the cold and snow) and give to a man? Honestly, I can’t stop lolling. Do you know what I have been through and what I am depriving myself of to reach my target, and then I will go and give all to a man? Hehehehe, even if he goes to India to get his juju, na water o. It becomes water when it meets with the ijebu side of me. *straight face*

The same person also asked if UK is as bad as I portray it and to that end I’ll say NO. Not every Nigerian here is suffering or in a low paying job, infact ehnn I was invited to a church recently for a baby dedication. When I arrived at the parking lot and saw the cars, am like ehnnnn, is this a Nigerian church? I thought I was in Victoria Island, Lagos. I entered the church and all the members looked rich and posh (lol), all of them Nigerians. Not the South East runs guys kind of rich o. Testimony time came and this lady came up to testify about how God has kept her in her contracting job. The company she was contracting for was looking to get rid of contractors and offered her a permanent job for £35,000 per annum, she said she rejected it and she went on and on about how she can’t survive on 35K per annum. She said she held on to her faith and she was amongst the 5 contractors that were asked to stay. I said ehnn see how this one is talking about 35k like say na 10k, so how much she come dey earn as a contractor. I looked around all the members to see their expressions and they all seemed to agree with her. I thought to myself, the anointing they flow for this church o, I am still considering becoming a member..hehehe.
Anyways I don’t have actual figures but I want to believe only about 10% of Nigerians in this country have very good jobs with very good pay, the rest of the 90% nko? They fall into the category of people I have been describing on this blog. Shikena! Me nko? I hear you ask, I sha thank God for where I am. 

Now my final word for today is to all elderly Nigerians that come to this country, not every black person is Nigerian not to talk of Yoruba. I was at the train station yesterday and this old woman said to me ‘jo ba mi gbe bag mi’ (meaning help me carry my bag). I wanted to ask her if she has inner eyes to determine if I was Yoruba, I also wanted to tell her that if you meet a Jamo person, you will be on your own o, dem fit vex for you o, besides in this country nobody helps you with your bag except in exceptional circumstances. The rule is if you can’t carry it yourself, don’t bother. Anyways I helped her sha because I am well trained *fans self*.
My mum is so guilty of this, whenever she comes visiting, for every black person she sees, she goes ‘eni yen jo Nigerian o, Kilode ti o ki wa* (that person looks Nigerian, why is he/she not greeting us?). My mum sha, she is not only speculating that the person is Nigerian, she is also expecting to be greeted, I say mummy as what now? Are you the Queen of England? My brother came around to visit me once too and wanted to ask someone for the way to the station, he stopped this oyibo and said ‘good morning’, the guy looked at him strangely and just walked away. Hahahahahaha.

Truth is nobody talks or greets you unnecessarily around here, when I see my colleagues outside of my office premises, they always throwey face like say dem no sabi me. Greeting someone out of the ordinary is not normal, infact I have an uncle here that told me about one oyibo in his office that raked for him for greeting him too much. He said he greeted the guy in the morning when he arrived at work, saw him at a meeting around 11am and greeted him again, he saw him at 2pm and greeted him again and the guy just started raking, ‘why are you greeting me over and over again?, how many times do you want to greet me in one day?’ I nearly died of laughter. My people abeg, greeting dey dey too much

Before I go today, I’ll like to say thank you to everyone that has read and has been following my story so far. It's a week today since I started and I have received great feedback from you all *wipes tears*. I am so touched, God bless you. *big grin*. I must also state that writing this and reading your comments has made my living here more bearable, everyday I step out now I am looking for stuff to blog about, its exciting. My twitter account is growing as well and I managed to get Linda Ikeji and Laila Ikeji to follow me during the week, I was so excited *dancing*. They inspire me because me sef dey do small amebo for this my tori o. Next stop is @donjazzy and @bankyw *running as fast as my leg can carry me*..lol. Those are the two Nigerian artists I love *BBM smiley love struck*

Have a lovely weekend guys

Love XX

I'll use okija juju & india juju (deadly combo) to collect tosin's money ......... I'm following all the way both on twitter & on NL

@tosinswagger,

what s happening on this thread. Dont keep your fans waiting now. Abeg update sharp sharp!