@Chucks4real
I was never in support of her going back to her 'ex. I have no reason to go back & forth. Check the posts i made earlier, its not so difficult to figure out.

@JKpretty
Now I understand. We are all humans and most times we things and later find ourselves asking; "How come?" The heart is so treacherous that no one can understand, says the Bible. I believe she once loved the father of her daughters right? I suppose if she could provide answers to some certain questions like; How did they start?, What led to their problems? Was it all from him or I have a share of blame? This will go a long way in helping the young woman make a nicer decision. All men are saints at first. Let her pray hard anyways

Teriba,
thanks for that inclusion. Since the lady was harping so much on the kano saint being more Godly, I advise her to follow a post made by born again man on this section. 2 MONTHS PREGNANCY AFTER 1 MONTH. Let see how true born again can be when the face critical decision that bother on forgiveness and maintaining cordial relationship after marriage. It is good to learn from others.

well i think all she wants to do now is to watch out on her ex if he has really changed and now sincerely have value for her now while still hanging on with her new guy.
she has also decided  not to move in with him without proper apology to her parents and approppriate marriage .
also , she also wants to find out what made him come back to her and if it is as a result of a heartbreak by another girl and not because he still truly loves her  and the kids, if  so ,the answer is NO. cos it wud be an everlasting tragedy to go back and resume d torture and bring up the kids in a riotous home.they wud blame their mum for it in future cos she can not give them her best when sad.

FOR THE NEW GUY- she has decided to hang on till she gets a satisfactory result from her findings.
and if nothing good comes from her ex, she would go on and marry him but would definitely have an arrangement for her kids. And would also ask him if he can really cope with whatever comes up in d future on the custody of the kids.

SHE IS DETERMINED TO FACE IT ,WHATEVER WAY ,HER KIDS MUST BE HAPPY AND SHE MUST BE HAPPY TOO.
AND HAS PROMISED HERSELF NOT TO HAVE A FAILED MARRIAGE,SHE IS GOING TO GIVE IT WHATEVER IT TAKES

@ OLANAJIM , if the new guy can not forgive her he would not want to marry her in the first place.
he wud av been so dissappointed that she was invoved in pre-marital sex or fornication by having 2 kids outside wedlock
i think this guy truly fears God am being neutral here cos some of us that still very single don't come across people that accept u 4 who u are just like that .most guys already av a profile of d kind of woman they want and if u r not 70% of their profile they look for excuses to dump u. they don't know that we av different temparaments and av to accept u like that.
so it's not a born again thing but having God at heart and loving people unconditionally

Modupsie,
tell her to stop the new guy from discussing marriage until further notice! Your friend is not being rational. Why is the new guy suddenly rushing to marriage? Did your friend told him of her dilema? Why not? Marry or not, the father of her children will still come knocking if he is a stubborn one. She would be adding to her own problem by rushing to marry in the midst of her confusion. Let the new guy know what is happening. He would eventually know in future. And if the balance tilt to his favour, it would be sweet victory.

Jk,
I got your message it made alot of sense and I agreed with you. But, I don't think women should use that as an excuse to be hostile to men.

It is well.

Overall, I don't the poster want her ex back! She is only confusing herself. Experience is the best teacher.

Modupsie,
I quite disagree with you on your friend's prediction of the new guy! I am a man and can tell you any man know how to "say" as long as it never happened. There is a great difference between something that had happened and something that is happening. You MUST NEVER TRY TO PREDICT A MAN'S REACTION TO UNCERTAIN FUTURE EXPERIENCE WITH 100% guaranttee. By that your statement, you assumed the man is perfect. That is wrong! Saying that she would forgive without it happening is fallacious. Try him. After the dust is settled. Tell the new guy that you made love to your ex and had gotten pregnant again! Watch his reaction and ask him if he would forgive you and marry you that way! Please be serious. Try it. Ensure that it is done as though it were real. One month or two. Get a fake pregnancy test result. Test the water. Then give us a feedback in 3 month! If you can do this, you would widen your experience.

I commend her resolve to be patience and observe things. That is the best decision. It mean she won't lose on both sides.

On a personal note, I am seeing a lady whose mind can easily be swayed by outward evaluation. Let her work on herself before marriage. A good combination of Almondjoy (1% though) frankness and Olanajim's open-minded plus her meekness will see her through.

She must give a time frame for that experiment and also try to see if she can influence her ex's spiritual outlook. While doing this, she should pray for guidance.

Best wish!

Modupsie,
I quite disagree with you on your friend's prediction of the new guy! I am a man and can tell you any man know how to "say" as long as it never happened. There is a great difference between something that had happened and something that is happening. You MUST NEVER TRY TO PREDICT A MAN'S REACTION TO UNCERTAIN FUTURE EXPERIENCE WITH 100% guaranttee. By that your statement, you assumed the man is perfect. That is wrong! Saying that she would forgive without it happening is fallacious. Try him. After the dust is settled. Tell the new guy that you made love to your ex and had gotten pregnant again! Watch his reaction and ask him if he would forgive you and marry you that way! Please be serious. Try it. Ensure that it is done as though it were real. One month or two. Get a fake pregnancy test result. Test the water. Then give us a feedback in 3 month! If you can do this, you would widen your experience.

I commend her resolve to be patience and observe things. That is the best decision. It mean she won't lose on both sides.

On a personal note, I am seeing a lady whose mind can easily be swayed by outward evaluation. Let her work on herself before marriage. A good combination of Almondjoy (1% though) frankness and Olanajim's open-minded plus her meekness will see her through.

She must give a time frame for that experiment and also try to see if she can influence her ex's spiritual outlook. While doing this, she should pray for guidance.

Best wish!

Modupsie,
I quite disagree with you on your friend's prediction of the new guy! I am a man and can tell you any man know how to "say" as long as it never happened. There is a great difference between something that had happened and something that is happening. You MUST NEVER TRY TO PREDICT A MAN'S REACTION TO UNCERTAIN FUTURE EXPERIENCE WITH 100% guaranttee. By that your statement, you assumed the man is perfect. That is wrong! Saying that she would forgive without it happening is fallacious. Try him. After the dust is settled. Tell the new guy that you made love to your ex and had gotten pregnant again! Watch his reaction and ask him if he would forgive you and marry you that way! Please be serious. Try it. Ensure that it is done as though it were real. One month or two. Get a fake pregnancy test result. Test the water. Then give us a feedback in 3 month! If you can do this, you would widen your experience.

I commend her resolve to be patience and observe things. That is the best decision. It mean she won't lose on both sides.

On a personal note, I am seeing a lady whose mind can easily be swayed by outward evaluation. Let her work on herself before marriage. A good combination of Almondjoy (1% though) frankness and Olanajim's open-minded plus her meekness will see her through.

She must give a time frame for that experiment and also try to see if she can influence her ex's spiritual outlook. While doing this, she should pray for guidance.

Best wish!

yemivictor (m)
Posts: 490

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  Re: Should I Go Back To The Father Of My Children?
« #54 on: Today at 10:21:14 AM » 

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Quote from: almondjoy on Today at 09:11:17 AM

I am putting myself in the position of this lady.  My happiness comes first. . .before any man, woman or child!  Period!

And you have every right, AJ!

But the danger that lies therein is that your children might grow up to hate you!!

I've always been guided when taking decisions not to look @ the immediate benefits but the future ones!!!

Trust me, that way i make better decisions!

And who is afraid of that?  For no fault of mine?. . .they should go and ask their father please.  If they have any common sense like I think they will. . .for no child of mine is stupid. . . they will place the blame where it should be.  It does not mean I would not see to their welfare.  But like I said. . .my happiness comes first.  I do not live for anyone but myself.  If they hate me. . .fine!  If they love me. . .fine.  One thing they will be thankful for though. . .is that I did not abort them. Abi? I had that choice too.  Rubbish!  Sorry darling. . .I do not give in to any kind of emotional blackmail.  I will live my life fine fine and sleep well at night.  I make ma peace with man and God and move on with ma life. . .small wahala I say! Because of one stupid man that does not know his left from his right!  I say I leave him to confused, desperate females like himself!

Shioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooor!!!! For this one life to live and die?   You are not serious!  THEY ARE NOT MARRIED REMEMBER?   She can do what she damn well pleases!  She really has no business with him, but the kids.  She can call him when he needs some money for clothes or school fees!

Not me I say!  Let other weak minded, deperate ladies have him for a change.  I say I am on ma way to Paris with my new boyfriend! If the relationship does not work out, then we can hook up later. . .for now, he has to wait in line!   Are they not his children too?  The last thing I will do is be a single parent in this world. . . unless that man is dead.  He gets to keep the baggage.  Makes ma life a whole lot easier!  Who be mumu?  I say the children will be fine. . .homeless polygamous vagabonds full for Naija there. . .them never die e come be my own when the papa don hijack them?   I dash am!

You are writing from the view point of a guy and I am writing from the view point of the lady.  Fine! Everyone is accountable for himself or herself alone!

Teriba:

@modupsie

Almondjoy has left no one in doubt as to how she would answer the following question. But as I ask you this question, I`m thinking that I`m chatting to an African modern woman not a western modern woman. The question is this:

who do you think should be the most important person ( s ) in the life of your friend today 10-04-2008?

I would also like to draw your attention to the fact that the approach of the man to the custody issue may not necessarily remain the same ` mumu approach ` the moment he realises that your friend is not coming back to the house hold. Your friend may prepare for a couple of surprises, but then what do I know?

Anyone who lives his or her life on this planet by putting any other person first is a bloody fool!

jkpretty (f)
Lagos
Posts: 1140

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Re: Should I Go Back To The Father Of My Children?
« #57 on: Today at 11:04:36 AM »

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@ Olanajim

I'm not turning this into a gender issue. I quite understand your point of view perfectly. There's just a "but" there. Many of our parents have patched things up for long and lived in failed marriages. They simply choose to be stuck to it because of their children. I often hate it when i hear "My happiness are my children not my husband" Things have so changed for us that we don't have to subject ourselves to "backwardness" Many of our parents had no choice and so preferred to stick with an undignified marriage. But we are in the era of choosing a life partner ourselves. She has not married before, so why shld she now pick someone that does not worth calling a husband. She has a right to be happy herself. I think u should put yourself in the lady's shoes.

Happiness matters a lot & goes a long way. I'm of the opinion that "many times the angel is better".

@Aj u are really right on this

You are too brilliant for words! You always show that you can use the brain God gave you to think with on Nairaland.

Kudos to you!

Thank you ma dear. Like I am Jesus Christ or something? He sacrificed himself and look how he turned out. . . Nailed to the cross and eaten and drunk every Sunday as holy sacrament. Cannibals! Most are even waiting to sacrifice him again. I say I am not that stupid!

modupsie (f)
lagos,nigeria
Posts: 32

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Re: Should I Go Back To The Father Of My Children?
« #53 on: Today at 10:15:55 AM »

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@ almondjoy, thanks ,she just read your post and feels she needs to be happy as u av said
but something just came up the new guy just called her that he is on his way to see the bishop on their relationship and wedding plans.
And she is just confused and do not know what to tell him. Even though the new guy is so excited ,she is still thinking !

me i no know how to handle this case ooooooooo

Oh sure! She has the right to be confused all she wants. . .her God given right I say. The scale will soon fall from her eyes and she will lose both the ex and the new dude. To be by herself where she really belongs. Loneliness is only fit for the confused like you see a lot running around on Nairaland. They never figured out what they wanted since birth. And till they get to the after life, they remain confused unable to distinguish between the gates of heaven or hell.

_{ALWAYS STUCK!}

What a sick portion in life!

Twa!

olanajim (m)
nigeria
Posts: 2237

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  Re: Should I Go Back To The Father Of My Children?
« #62 on: Today at 11:24:33 AM » 

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Your replies on my questions, I strongly believe do not represent your innermost core values. I am very much aware you love kids alot and I don't see you throwing them away without giving the man the fight of your life.
I also don't believe you would frolic with a saint lover in france while leaving your kids to uncertain 50-50 future chance of survival.

You said those things because you have a wonderful guy who understand. Someone you trusted. Every girl want such man! You also know that there is law where you live that would protect the kids. This is Africa, there is no such law! And if there are, it is not effective.

That said.
It is indeed a matter of choice.

Like I said previously. . .I am happy you have chosen to be a monk!  Please do not ever change your mind and try to be anything else!

A wonderful guy who understands?  And you think it was given on a bed of roses?  The reason I say most of you will for ever remain single.  You do not know how to command respect from your loved ones not to talk of your enemies. You just have no idea what you are preaching about!   Your naivety just about baffles me!  Like I said. . .thank God you are a monk!

And BTW!  This is America not an African Jungle where people treat each other like senseless beasts. . . most people, including maself or ma spouse do not put up with that kind of shitty indecision over here and they are still #1 in EVERYTHING in this world.  What do you have in Africa but ignorance, sufferhead, poverty and disease? he he he.  Should I go on and on?

Thank you for at least agreeing it is a matter or choice!  The only thing we can agree on here!  

Let me narrate briefly what is happening to my neighbour. I'd posted it somewhere before.

The lady, had 2 kids for a guy who is unserious. Then she met an old man who works as NURTW employee. True, the old man was caring, sypathetic, kind, maybe rich. And is even an Alhaji. She eventually marry him and had a kid for him.

Last week, the lady returned to her family. Her daughter is just 8 months old.

Reason? She found that the man she so much adored had alot of skeletons in his cupboard. 7 wives all estranged and still flirting!

I know this is an extreme case. My point is, most men would never reveal their true colour until you marry them.

And who is afraid of a man that may change color at anytime?  Show me whatever color you wish to present and I will definitely match you shade for shade and texture for texture!  Na some deaf god to be worshipped or what?  No be human being like maself?

Who is afraid of the unknown?  If you like marry an alhaji with 7 wives or a born again as the custodian of the "holy grail", man na man and woman na woman.  You will still run a 50/50 chance of success and failure.  So what is your point?  Look, I am not afraid of failing when I know for sure I have no control over what people do around me. 

The lady in your story made her choice and I respect that.  I would never remarry a young man, not to talk of an old man.  For what?  Only in Nigeria or some backward zoo of a country can someone marry an alhaji, leave and run back to her parents.  One reason only. . .DESPERATION. Like most Nigerians exhibit no matter how educated.  If she had any common sense in her mushy skull. . .the word alhaji should have given her a serious clue.  All I need to hear is all those local terms such as "Otumba", "Chief this" or "Alhaji" that and I will not even look in his local direction.   That na original bushmeat still smelling of smoke even after washing it in the River Jordan 70X70 times!  I dey krase?


How can I in ma right mind go marry someone with a title in Nigeria when I know for a fact that means only one thing "polygamy"?   People are pretend to be so stupid but indeed the sad part is that they are really stupid! To each his own.  She has made her bed, so let her lie on it like that. . .I have made mine and I sleep well on it every night, and will continue to do so. . . . . . GUARANTEED!  I can never find myself in that position sorry!

TWA!

Gosh! Firing from all cylinders!

Points taken!

On that monk issue, CUL! I sure have a joker!

if she is now born again and she truly loves this new guy who knows her story and still loves her
i would adise her to stick with him and go ahead with the marriage
this can only b done if her first boy friend is not born again and is not willing to
but as it is right now,
if she still loves him (d former guy) and is willing to go back she can go back and tel him to formallise their marriage
she shouldnt go back because of the children


being pregnant for someone is NOT a yardstick to marry the person.

modupsie:
A friend of mine fell in love with a guy who was ten years older than her and got pregnant for him after 4years of wonderful relationship in her third year in d university at 21.
after which she moved in with him without marriage and they lived together with the hope of getting married legally but got pregnant again,thereby having 2 pretty girls for him after which he changed and became something else.
to cut the story short they broke up after 3years and my friend had to go back to her parents after so much emotional and physical torture,while he took over the children.
Then ,she was posted to kano for her nysc and was offered employement there
which she took as an escape route out of her problems and so had to stay in kano while her children are in lagos with their dad.
while in kano ,she joined achurch and served wholeheartedly and along the line met another guy who is just ayear older than her,this guy proposed marriage and my friend had to tell him her story to chase him away but to her amazement the guy was so touched by her story and insisted on marrying her,which she accepted, but after 8 months in the relationship her ex shows up again to apologise.
now she is so confused ,she is in love with this new guy and really want to marry him because he is God fearing but on the hand loves her children and would want to take care of them herself cos they are young -3and 5 years.
Pls nairalanders , i don't know what to tell her ,kindly advise cos the new guy wants to marry her as soon as possible.

this one is beyond me o