My best friend in d univ jst arived my home with her marital problems seeking advice 4rm me on what to do. Iam nt sure on what 2 tel her and I suggestd 2 her 4us 2 use dis forum 4 help. Here's her story: She has bin married 2 her hsbnd 4 d past 10years wit 3 adorable kids. She graduated wit 2.1 in ICT and d man refused 2 help her in job search. She then decided 2 go 4 Msc, she was offered admission and the hsbnd refused her going. She askd d man 2 place her on monthly allowance 4 her upkeep, that also he rejectd. The house chores was becoming too much 4 her and requestd dat they employ a nanny, he turned down d request. According 2 her what worried her most was when her younger broda dropped by after passing out 4rm NYSC camp 2 go home, d hsbnd refused 2 giv him transport fare. To cut long story short, she is not allowe 2 even attend family functions like weddings. She stays indoor and not allowed 2 visit anyone. She has become so depressed of late and d doctor adviced dat she stays away 4rm d stressors causing depression. Her question 2 me which am also throwin 2d house, should she file 4 a divorce or continue wit d marriage? She said she has become so short tempered and violent even 2d kids and dat alone is unbearable. Pls we need urgent response as she has only 2days 2 spend wit me. Tnx!

She has managed it for 10 yrs. So I don't see the urgency to divorce now. Definitely the advice to do that should not come from you. Let her figure that one out herself. What she needs to do is to find a job or a small business of her own whether the husband approves or not. She needs to grow a spine! She should stop killing herself with housework. If she's too tired, then she should do what she can and leave the rest. Once again, she needs to grow a pair!! She needs to double down though because it won't be a walk in the park!

To think this is the dream of some women to be a housewife just because they are lazy.

All I see here is a LAZY woman who is hell bent on giving excuse for everything in Life, Its all her husbands fault

OP did she get a job and her husband told her not to resume?


Her husband refused to help her find a job? Is this Husband director of Employments? If she cant find a job then she has no one to blame but herself. Or other women working was it their husband who wrote applications for them?


After being jobless for a while now says she wants to go for MSc, who would pay for that? the same man carrying all the financial burden of the house ? Would now pay millions for MSc Like DBanj said "You don see mugu"


Monthly allowance for upkeep for what? She eats, she has shelter then she wants monthly upkeep again? if she needed money she would go find a job or open kiosk outside. That Aunty Jane selling recharge card and Pure water has 2 breast, 1 Womanliness and a family like you


House Chores becoming too much? Are you kidding me? You sit at home all day the man is hustling to fend for the house and you now need a nanny again? Money you cant bring, Work you cant do, So whats the point of staying in the house or how are you any better than the piece of furniture in the living room


He he he. So after you have been leeching the man, you now bring your younger brother to come chop again? Didnt you tell your younger brother you are already a liability to the man before you add him to it?


You wan attend wedding and family functions? So you get time to attend functions and dance at Owambe but you cant get your behind up to make a living? Whats the purpose of your parent sending you to school in the first place?


She can file for divorce and save the man from the liability he has but has she thought of how she would feed and house herself?


Short tempered to kids just try and beat them to death so you can join the Kirikiri reform home. Abi is it the kids fault they have a Lazy mother?

In many cases some of these women can't get jobs because their husbands won't let them. A situation where she's been told "Stay at home or else" is not that far-fetched and it won't be surprising to hear that many people she's gone to for advice have told her to listen to her husband oh or risk breaking her marriage.

So while I am not an advocate of the stay at him and ask hubby for toro kobo wives, we also have to put into consideration that for some women, especially in Nigeria the decision is not in their hands.

Sisi_Kill: In many cases some of these women can't get jobs because their husbands won't let them. A situation where she's been told "Stay at home or else" is not that far-fetched and it won't be surprising to hear that many people she's gone to for advice have told her to listen to her husband oh or risk breaking her marriage.

So while I am not an advocate of the stay at him and ask hubby for toro kobo wives, we also have to put into consideration that for some women, especially in Nigeria the decision is not in their hands.

Where in this case does the OP state that the husband stopped her from getting a job?

The closest thing was she claimed the Husband didnt help her

bibiji: My best friend in d univ jst arived my home with her marital problems seeking advice 4rm me on what to do. Iam nt sure on what 2 tel her and I suggestd 2 her 4us 2 use dis forum 4 help. Here's her story: She has bin married 2 her hsbnd 4 d past 10years wit 3 adorable kids. She graduated wit 2.1 in ICT and d man refused 2 help her in job search. She then decided 2 go 4 Msc, she was offered admission and the hsbnd refused her going. She askd d man 2 place her on monthly allowance 4 her upkeep, that also he rejectd. The house chores was becoming too much 4 her and requestd dat they employ a nanny, he turned down d request. According 2 her what worried her most was when her younger broda dropped by after passing out 4rm NYSC camp 2 go home, d hsbnd refused 2 giv him transport fare. To cut long story short, she is not allowe 2 even attend family functions like weddings. She stays indoor and not allowed 2 visit anyone. She has become so depressed of late and d doctor adviced dat she stays away 4rm d stressors causing depression. Her question 2 me which am also throwin 2d house, should she file 4 a divorce or continue wit d marriage? She said she has become so short tempered and violent even 2d kids and dat alone is unbearable. Pls we need urgent response as she has only 2days 2 spend wit me. Tnx!

You are working, Was it your husband who found a job for you?

Imagine a graduate sitting at home watching Nollywood and saying Daddy/Mummy/Husband find a job for me?

Maybe she married a Senator

That's what those plastic bones say ; My husband this that bull horse crap! The poor man is sending her a message ( Go get a JOB!) and stop disgracing me.

Ole! Monthly allowance, are you kidding me?? Nkan mbe oh!

dayokanu: To think this is the dream of some women to be a housewife just because they are lazy.

All I see here is a LAZY woman who is hell bent on giving excuse for everything in Life, Its all her husbands fault

OP did she get a job and her husband told her not to resume?


Her husband refused to help her find a job? Is this Husband director of Employments? If she cant find a job then she has no one to blame but herself. Or other women working was it their husband who wrote applications for them?


After being jobless for a while now says she wants to go for MSc, who would pay for that? the same man carrying all the financial burden of the house ? Would now pay millions for MSc Like DBanj said "You don see mugu"


Monthly allowance for upkeep for what? She eats, she has shelter then she wants monthly upkeep again? if she needed money she would go find a job or open kiosk outside. That Aunty Jane selling recharge chard and Pure water has 2 breast, 1 Womanliness and a family like you


House Chores becoming too much? Are you kidding me? You sit at home all day the man is hustling to fend for the house and you now need a nanny again? Money you cant bring, Work you cant do, So whats the point of staying in the house or how are you any better than the piece of furniture in the living room


He he he. So after you have been leeching the man, you now bring your younger brother to come chop again? Didnt you tell your younger brother you are already a liability to the man before you add him to it?


You wan attend wedding and family functions? So you get time to attend functions and dance at Owambe but you cant get your behind up to make a living? Whats the purpose of your parent sending you to school in the first place?


She can file for divorce and save the man from the liability he has but has she thought of how she would feed and house herself?


Short tempered to kids just try and beat them to death so you can join the Kirikiri reform home. Abi is it the kids fault they have a Lazy mother?

Choi DK this is bad haba!
See as you see the mata finish

@OP some pertinet issues have been raised
Is the house wife working at all
Are there any sort of financial challenges
A woman who wants to do a msc with no experience na waste be dat

What does the woman want for herself exactly

Rotflmao!! Lawyer DK in Da house!!

Advocate General for THE KICK AGAINST LAZY-WHO-MAKE-MEN-DO-ALL-THE-WORK-AZZWIVES MOVEMENT (or TKALWMMDOALWAM for short)

When she said the husband refused to help her, I doubt she meant literally helping her in the sense of carrying CVs and pounding the pavement with her. . .she most likely meant he wasn't supportive of the idea.

Did her husband also stop her from searching for jobs or is job searching now strictly for men?

Does the hubby work for a recruitment agency or is he a very influential man?

How did she survive for 10years of joblessness and zero income in this age?

And to think she kept on dropping kids.. Smh..I really pity this woman. In this era of female empowerment, a grown up lady is still waiting for her husband to get her a job and give her monthly upkeep. She's even complaining the poor hubby did not give her brother transport fare .

Op, I don't know the organisation that will employ your friend now o, an ICT graduate of over 10years with no job experience, zero exposure, no professional courses.... She for don rust tey tey and even age won't be on her side anymore. She better forget Msc and set her priorities right for the sake of her future and that of her kids.

@dayokanu this friend of mine doesn't mean d hsbnd should do d job hunting. According 2 her d offers she got d man kicked against them. Now help get a job 4 her tru his highly placed friends he told her dat no one got one 4 him. If she shd pik her credentials and start job hunting, who wil look after d kids owing 2d fact dias no one 2 stay @ home wit d kids or cater 4 them after sch.

bibiji: To cut long story short, she is not allowe 2 even attend family functions like weddings. She stays indoor and not allowed 2 visit anyone.

I wonder whether advocate general for TKALWMMDOALWA read the part of the story above. If a guy controls her movements to this extent, why is it so far fetched to imagine that he prevented her from getting a job? Acting like there aren't men out there that prevent their wives from working. Many for the sole purpose of maintaining control over them I might add.


If he's soo frustrated with her sitting at home, why not just tell her directly instead of childishly making her life miserable?


I do agree the woman deserves to be given a lot of grief for accepting such a lifestyle though. This is a fight they should have had years ago. A brilliant educated woman for that matter.

OP,

I think you should tell her to start applying for jobs right now!!
what kind of marriage is this that she will be asking for this and that from husband of 10years?
odikwa serious. Shouldn't she be the one managing the home as homemaker/home engineer?

Sisi_Kill: Rotflmao!! Lawyer DK in Da house!!

Advocate General for THE KICK AGAINST LAZY-WHO-MAKE-MEN-DO-ALL-THE-WORK-AZZWIVES MOVEMENT (or TKALWMMDOALWAM for short)

When she said the husband refused to help her, I doubt she meant literally helping her in the sense of carrying CVs and pounding the pavement with her. . .she most likely meant he wasn't supportive of the idea.

Erhm yeah that's exactly what she meant with the excuse of 'no sitter for the kids' ( very lame) .... I also doubt it won't be a problem to find a sitter/family member in case of Owanbę

@ileoba the only group of men that are worthy if that luxury of stay home wives are politicians and merchants and you will never hear their wives complain.

bibiji: @dayokanu this friend of mine doesn't mean d hsbnd should do d job hunting. According 2 her d offers she got d man kicked against them. Now help get a job 4 her tru his highly placed friends he told her dat no one got one 4 him.

In retrospect at the point of your husband kicking against those job offers was when you should have tabled a "Set up a business" deal with him. Its usually because of days like this.

The key to holding any human down and keeping them in bondage is denying them financial freedom. Even if you want to walk, you dont have enough money to care for yourself.

And an ICT graduate of close to 10yrs no experience in most cases is not employable

Anyone not parents who offers to take away your means of livelihood and says "Dont worry I would feed you" Has other plans

If she shd pik her credentials and start job hunting, who wil look after d kids owing 2d fact dias no one 2 stay @ home wit d kids or cater 4 them after sch.

You know that half of the women in the workforce also have children and the dog has not ate their children, Drop your kids with your mom if she stays near or daycare and go to work

Thats the way to your happiness. A man would only give you just enough

What happens to you and your family assuming this husband dies or loses his job

jidegirl12:

@ileoba the only group of men that are worthy if that luxury of stay home wives are politicians and merchants and you will never hear their wives complain.

Even those ones are not worthy! The day he decides to follow the newest husband snatcher on the block, my a*ss would be out on the street with cobwebs for brain cells. Too late to re-enter the work force. Hian! The only time I agree to such is if there is a rock solid, legally documented, financial back up plan for moi; as in millions in cash and investments that he has stashed away in my name in case of a rainy day. Otherwise, no deal o!

Guys, I am not even gonna pretend that there aren't women out there who really do stay at home because they believe they don't have to work, that working is their husband's duty to them.

I'm saying let's be cautious labeling all of them LAZY because the reality is for some women their choice in the matter does not count. The decision is made for them and they can't kick back because they will be see as disrespectful or "too modern" to obey her husband. In some homes, a man's word is law and their wives have no respite.

Now is it in that kind of home that a woman will say to her husband I want to work by force because I don't want to be waiting on you to give me money without the threat of being beaten and even kicked out?!

Instead of calling them lazy, why not work at reorienting the mindset that makes some men think a working wife is a slight to their manliness and women think a man's duty to her his to make her a kept woman.

ileobatojo:

Even those ones are not worthy! The day he decides to follow the newest husband snatcher on the block, my ass would be out on the street with cobwebs for brain cells. Too late to re-enter the work force. Hian! The only time I agree to such is if there is a rock solid, legally documented, financial back up plan for moi; as in millions in cash and investments that he has stashed away in my name in case of a rainy day. Otherwise, no deal o!

Actually its most Naija girls dream to have a husband who tells you to sit at home''First thing they ask is "Are you sure you can take care of me", "I am a traditional woman and a man is supposed to take care of the woman", "I am a housewife and I do more work than women who go to office"

Dont we see them on this forum daily?

An example is the thread below

https://www.nairaland.com/1253893/she-not-liability

@dayokanu she lost her mom in her secondary sch.days and she is left wit an aged and old and sick father that she cannot afford to help in any way. She said when she asked 4 capital 2 start a biz, he said d home front wil suffer because she wil neglect her family.

ileobatojo:

Even those ones are not worthy! The day he decides to follow the newest husband snatcher on the block, my a*ss would be out on the street with cobwebs for brain cells. Too late to re-enter the work force. Hian! The only time I agree to such is if there is a rock solid, legally documented, financial back up plan for moi; as in millions in cash and investments that he has stashed away in my name in case of a rainy day. Otherwise, no deal o!

I agree oh, was not on one of these threads someone (I believe Oyb) posted pictures of some politician's wife who was kicked out...kids in tow, in the snow?!! She wasn't allowed to remove anything but their clothes in one bag out of the house.

Let everyone just make their own money...why is that such a hard pill to swallow?!!

ileobatojo:

Even those ones are not worthy! The day he decides to follow the newest husband snatcher on the block, my a*ss would be out on the street with cobwebs for brain cells. Too late to re-enter the work force. Hian! The only time I agree to such is if there is a rock solid, legally documented, financial back up plan for moi; as in millions in cash and investments that he has stashed away in my name in case of a rainy day. Otherwise, no deal o!

same here, but come Africa woman suffer o.

Sisi_Kill:

I agree oh, was not on one of these threads someone (I believe Oyb) posted pictures of some politician's wife who was kicked out...kids in tow, in the snow?!! She wasn't allowed to temove anything but their clothes in one bag out of the house.

Let everyone just make their own money...why is that such a hard pill to swallow?!!

you have to fight for that right, don't buy into that 'baby, I want you to stay at home', it will come back to haunt you.
so OP, she should do something ASAP.

bibiji: @dayokanu she lost her mom in her secondary sch.days and she is left wit an aged and old and sick father that she cannot afford to help in any way. She said when she asked 4 capital 2 start a biz, he said d home front wil suffer because she wil neglect her family.

Then find daycare or any friend who stays at home too who can take care of your kids?

How old are they? Have they not started school yet?

Op, yur friend relaxed too long, by bearing not having a job or even open a business for the past 10yrs.. This is one issue, both husband and wife should agree on, before getting married..it's very crucial. I will just die, being a full time housewife, with nothing challenging to work my brain on. .
Advising her to divorce her husband, shouldn't come from you, cause if anything goes wrong tomrw , if after leaving him, she could blame you, that's a real fact...
Staying back at home, with no close contacts with family and not being able to care for her siblings and parents when they need her , even in little ways like transport fares..can be very degrading and make her feel worthless..she hates her life right now, even though she has a home with wonderful kids.
Making. Decision for her is tough... She has to decide on her own, also talk to her parents and hear what they have to say.
She relaxed too long in the issue and she's at the brink of a breakdown, But SHE MUST Choose either to divorce or stay back, but also think about the kids, she is not alone on this dilemmma......what will be the fate of the kids after divorce?
Na wa....

bibiji: @dayokanu she lost her mom in her secondary sch.days and she is left wit an aged and old and sick father that she cannot afford to help in any way. She said when she asked 4 capital 2 start a biz, he said d home front wil suffer because she wil neglect her family.

Let her move forward and forget about his refusal. Start applying for jobs, no matter how small (she has to start from somewhere).

From what the OP has posted all along, I would still conclude the main fault lies with the husband, not the wife!

Come on, there are some women whose husband won't allow them to work naa, even if they wanted to.

I sense the man is just being selfish here; making his wife wholly dependent on him and still not ready for the additional duties that come with such (like giving your brother-in-law a t-fare).

Everyone here is crying that the woman is at fault for depending on her husband for the last ten years but I believe to each his own.

Why won't her husband approve her doing masters? Smh.

The woman should pray to God to soften her husband's heart(if she is a believer) and then take her stand on the fact that she wants to get busy with cogent points explained in a loving way.

I would advise the woman to set up a shop or still go for Masters. I don't believe it's too late.

@op, tell your friend to table an efficient and effective communication with her hubby and make her intention known on what she intends to do, if she really want to work and be less dependent on him....................

In this civilised era/age, any woman that want to bring self esteem to herself must not be too dependent on men, hence, their self esteem will be mixed with mud, just like her case.
May God help her.

some men will not want their wives to work because of the fear that she might be taken away from them by her boss or colleagues,and ordinary monthly upkeep they wont also want to pay all in the name of they are responsible to the children,remember if u dont take care of your wife and she becomes ugly,she remains your property,some men could be so wicked,why on earth will u not give money to your wife?(if u dont have it,what of that ridiculous step of that man not giving money to his own in-law just for transport,obviously the man is heartless and not normal).In fact,some animals in human skin are in the institution called marriage,is marriage not supposed to be like heaven on earth?she is lazy,accepted but love her with that cos it is now your cross.I want to believe she needs his consent to search and get a job,or his connection(is this too much from husband to his wife)

NOW MY ADVICE: let her remind the so called husband of the monthly upkeep,if he refuses,let her tell him to not disturb her from getting a job,if he refuses,then at this stage,i dont think it will be wrong to call upon external bodies,the man needs a iron hand,let her inform her parents and his parents to come and judge the situation.

Q

What are the home chores that are becoming too much? Sweep the house, cook, wash clothes (of course not everyday), get water (not everyday also) and mop/clean the house (not everyday too). Why have the home chores suddenly increased? As your kids get older, they help you more.

Being antogonistic can never change her husband. I advice her to show her husband greater love and care. She should learn how to win over her husband and not fight him.

Here we go again.

Isn't it obvious that she's married to an abusive and controlling man?

Please, let us not bring self esteem into this. Just because you need to work does not mean you have self esteem. It simply means you need to work, whatever the reason.

marriage sucks, single parent tinz on my mind, weda we like it or not, dis things will only get worse, gals see marriage as dat life, guess what u just sold ur soul, what stops u from maakin it b4 marriage, abeg face ur consequences alone, while datin u wont look at d obvoius signs, abegi go sleep, dem force u marry

Fairy tales*yawns*

Tell her to kill him and enjoy her freedom