jennykadry: Hang on, so he never married the other woman and continued to "live in sin" for 17 years? I thought he divorced her

They were never married. Family kept telling him not to and her attitude and character prevented him from going further

OP pls tell ur cuz to back out immediately from dat rship.
Let her go back t o her base and leave dt man o sort out his issues
Will he say in 17yrs he has not got another woman in Nigerian? why did he wait ds long to marry legally and y must it be ur coz dat has Austrian pp?
Hope he is not milking ur coz for anything?
You dont have to listen to wot everybody is saying against the woman because if u hear her own side of the story, u will be shocked.
So when d man was screwing her on diff occasion and 4 kids eventually came, she wasnt mentally sick then?
Please lets be honest ur sista is desperate.
I knew a family member dat was 40yrs, a virgin and single but she was never desperate. Tho she was not happen but when God answered her, her widowed husband with 2 grown up kids came home and marry her. It was d month she got to US she conceived and put to bed 9mths after at over 40. She has her green card.
So there is no one forgotten if we can trust God.
This man has loads of baggage he is dragging about and ur coz needs not to be part of it.
If she really loves her life, she shld leave cos dat woman will go to any length to attack her.
You said he is God chosen partner for her! i dont believe that one abeg.
She shld b patient and her man will come

pslm23:

They were never married. Family kept telling him not to and her attitude and character prevented him from going further

And he waited for let say like 10yrs out of which dey had baby (ies)?
Dont let dat man deceive ur family with his story. If u really wish ur coz well, let ur family call the other woman and find out from her.
Your coz can even play dat part. Be friendly with the woman and find out somethings.

pslm23:
I must say again that everything was fine between my cuz and her hubby until the ex found out that he was married. they had amicably BROKEN UP and everybody had moved on. She found out he was married and now she wants her pound of flesh and unfortunately, my cousin is in the cross fire.

Thanks for highlighting this. This is exactly how I understood it too from the following part of your OP.

pslm23:
The other woman got to find out about the marriage and my cuz and somehow got my cuz's number (the 16 year old is living with my cuz and her hubby so I think she got the number from him)

So, they had all moved on and the teenage son had already moved out of his mom's house and was living seperately with the father (and girlfriend), the son one day tells him mom they are actually married and boom, the crazy is triggered!! What a psycho.

pslm23:

Uju, hi dear! It's been a while!

From what we were told when both families met before the bride price and marriage etc. My folks wanted to know straight up if the woman will be a problem in the future and they were told no. They asked all the question being asked and concerns being raised. It was from the Edo in-laws that we got most of the true jist of the ex. Since she graduated, she has never worked a day in her life. He has been the sole provider. She was very demanding. He wanted to stop at 2 kids and she assured him she was on her BC and he felt she deceived him and thus 2 more kids came into the pic when he wasn't financially capable. He asked her to get a job she refused. She spends more than he can make. She uses the kids as a foorm of blackmail each time they have arguments. They have several police cases of violence against him. She tried to stab him at night while he was sleeping.
The list goes on and on.
I would really love to know how many women out here will stick with a guy for that long and remain un-married

And he continued to live under d same roof with her.
His family will say anything now to support dir son's marriage to ur coz but wont b dre when problems set in.
Y was he still living wit the woman when she has always be problematic? I believe it isnt a must dey stay together.
If he had plans to stop @ 2 he shld hav got a place for himself all ds while.
Abeg family shld go & sit down. That man shld go and sort himself out. The woman dat ddnt kill him for d past 17yrs wont kill him again. So he shld go ahead and marry his children mum. If not ut coz will never enjoy dat marriage since he has lots of responsibilities. And she wont pray d man abandons his children.

^^^^^ I am liking your posts on this thread. Look at the excuses the man is giving, yet he lived with her for 17 years? Family said don't marry her, yet he kept going back for s3x that blessed them with 4 children. She did not kill him in the 17 years they spent together, so yea she wants to kill him now. Excuses my friend

The earlier this cousin starts doing her research to find out what happened without tis mans help, the better for her.

Thanks my dear.
Op doesnt want to see reason but keep supporting/defending the man or her coz.
May b d coz is been nice to d in laws already so dat dey trying dir best to make d relationship works

So let's say the tables were turned and it was the woman who was in a 17 year abusive relationship.
She stayed all that while because pastors, friends and all intervened regularly.
One day she walks and remarrys and the ex husband starts actiong crazy,will we ask the new husband to leave?
Will we ask why she stayed so long?
Why is it so hard to believe that some women can just be as abusive as men?
Why do we have the notion that a woman must always be the victim?
Just like a woman so if a man holds on to a bad relationship for 17 years must he hold on to death?
Abuse has no gender, victims of abuse have no gender

thank you all for you points and concerns. the parties involved (my cousin and her husband) will definitely read your comments and handle this issue however they best want to. all we can do is give our tots and advice. As for me, i will support her cos she has done no wrong except fall in love and even that is not a crime!

Regarding the teenage boy, it is nice to know that this is only a phase and kids his age rebel and act out. It deosn't change the fact that she thinks he is a spy for his mom.

by Nigerian/African standard from what i'm gathering, even if this man was previously married for 17 years and divorced with 7 kids, it automatically makes him ineligible for any future marriages or happiness. Wow! Nice to know.

God bless you all and thank you once more!

debrief08: So let's say the tables were turned and it was the woman who was in a 17 year abusive relationship.
She stayed all that while because pastors, friends and all intervened regularly.
One day she walks and remarrys and the ex husband starts actiong crazy,will we ask the new husband to leave?
Will we ask why she stayed so long?
Why is it so hard to believe that some women can just be as abusive as men?
Why do we have the notion that a woman must always be the victim?
Just like a woman so if a man holds on to a bad relationship for 17 years must he hold on to death?
Abuse has no gender, victims of abuse have no gender

They weren't even married so what exactly was keeping him for 17 years

He impregnated her and the had the first kid, then second, then third, then fourth . . . . and I'm supposed to believe he's the victim here

I can totally relate with the woman . . . I bet she wasn't crazy from day one.

She had the first son, thought he will finally make an honest woman out of her but no, so she went ahead and had the 2nd one.

I'm pretty sure at that point she was still the sane sweet girl he fell in love with.

But then he rufused to do the needful and wed her, infact he was trying to leave her

Stuck with two kids and no husband, I bet she gradually went crazy!

I know you are trying to relate this to your own experience, but they are very very different.

The man wasn't married to her. He could have stopped after the first kid, or even the second.

Except the woman held a gun to his head and raped him four times, I'm putting this all on him!

pslm23: thank you all for you points and concerns. the parties involved (my cousin and her husband) will definitely read your comments and handle this issue however they best want to. all we can do is give our tots and advice. As for me, i will support her cos she has done no wrong except fall in love and even that is not a crime!

Regarding the teenage boy, it is nice to know that this is only a phase and kids his age rebel and act out. It deosn't change the fact that she thinks he is a spy for his mom.

by Nigerian/African standard from what i'm gathering, even if this man was previously married for 17 years and divorced with 7 kids, it automatically makes him ineligible for any future marriages or happiness. Wow! Nice to know.

God bless you all and thank you once more!

Psalm dear, I'm so soo sorry your cousin is passing through this. If it were me, it'd just break my heart to see someone I love suffer

I hope she comes out of this alive . . . That's the most important thing.

If the man really loves her, he needs to get her as far away from the ex as possible . . . Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned!

Uju, so you believe this our society cannot force people to be together for 17 years?
Now he has left, what most of us are doing here is ateempting to force him back to her to marry her by force.
No one held a gun to her to stay with him without marriage for 17 years too.
No one forced her to keep having children.
They are both adults, its not by force for anyone to stay with anyone that makes them unhappy

Very one sided narration. You choose to believe your cousin and her hubby, have YOU heard the EX's side of the story. lets call a spade a spade , the man is a pathetic excuse of a man. 4 kids, 17 years and you just realised the woman that was by your side is mentally disturbed/bad etc.

If your cousin knows what is good for her she needs to vacate and let the rightful wife take back her place!

Trust me, as long as kids are involved, there is NADA your cousin can do about the relationship the man has with the mother of his 4 kids. His kids will always come first and that comes with their mother as well

debrief08: Uju, so you believe this our society cannot force people to be together for 17 years?
Now he has left, what most of us are doing here is ateempting to force him back to her to marry her by force.
No one held a gun to her to stay with him without marriage for 17 years too.
No one forced her to keep having children.
They are both adults, its not by force for anyone to stay with anyone that makes them unhappy

Maybe he makes her happy . . . maybe she loves him to death and all she wants is to be the mother of his kids!

He's the one complaining she's crazy, and yet kept banging her for 17 years

She's the woman here who was already having kids for a man . . her choices were limited.

But him . . . HE could have left anytime!

Who cares if he goes back to his ex My point is, they both created a huge mess which stuck with them for 17 years, a mess only them both can sort out. It's such a huge mess that involving others emotionally is a very wicked thing on their part to do.

BTW I agree with Uju and vanitty's post.

@Pslm23, hope ur cozin is ready for the spiritual battles dat comes with dis type of situations..she has to tighten her spiritual belt wella. Wish her the best..

jennykadry: Who cares if he goes back to his ex My point is, they both created a huge mess which stuck with them for 17 years, a mess only them both can sort out. It's such a huge mess that involving others emotionally is a very wicked thing on their part to do.

BTW I agree with Uju and vanitty's post.

Honestly Jenny, I can't stand such men . . . four kids and yet he claims to be the victim.
Nonsense

A case of a woman scorned and you are right in the middle of it.

If you think he's worth it, stick with it. We all like things that is familiar. She is no

different. How many times has something seemed more attractive when it's out of reach.

I would suggest documenting every implication she makes. Get all report and statements

ready to go see an attorney. Get on the phone and give her a piece of your mind.

Play her game. Call human services on her saying her children are being abused. Get even

don't just sit there and take it. Sounds like the ex is a psycho and needs to go down hard core.

She wants to play a nasty game especially using her kids turn the tables and snatch those

kids away from her.

Ujujoan:

Honestly Jenny, I can't stand such men . . . four kids and yet he claims to be the victim.
Nonsense

Don't mind him. He wants to eat his cake and have it. Yeye DEY smell

honeric01: Funny turn of event.

From the start, everyone supported the op, then came an opposite view, viola, everyone is against the op's story.

Nigerians and sheep mentality!

@cc muah!

@yellowpawpaw.... sorry sis, couldn't help my self , @caropy was very funny .

@biola , you got that right.

Why do I feel @sisikill is here , sisi please your post will be a icing on the cake here

Pebelepebelearugbojegbesetalomasan!!

* jumps out of the thread*

Ujujoan:


They weren't even married so what exactly was keeping him for 17 years

He impregnated her and the had the first kid, then second, then third, then fourth . . . . and I'm supposed to believe he's the victim here

I can totally relate with the woman . . . I bet she wasn't crazy from day one.

She had the first son, thought he will finally make an honest woman out of her but no, so she went ahead and had the 2nd one.

I'm pretty sure at that point she was still the sane sweet girl he fell in love with.

But then he rufused to do the needful and wed her, infact he was trying to leave her

Stuck with two kids and no husband, I bet she gradually went crazy!

I know you are trying to relate this to your own experience, but they are very very different.

The man wasn't married to her. He could have stopped after the first kid, or even the second.

Except the woman held a gun to his head and raped him four times, I'm putting this all on him!

You really should not relate with this woman. She had the first kid no wedding. ok so she had hope.Kid No 2 still no wedding, no 3 and four and then goes on to stay for 17 years threatening to stab him etc instead of fighting to get married.
I mean its not a case of married and divorced but just dating with kids in tow for 17 years. They are both victims of each others lies and self deceit. I bet they were both getting high on the drama but now the man has grown up.

new marriage and so stressful already. Two miscarriages and a scorned ex?
I'm not sure how she will win this. Games men play
The ex is doing her own thing now, wait till the 4 children start their own drama.
We don't always like someone with our father unless our own mother.

andromida:

You really should not relate with this woman. She had the first kid no wedding. ok so she had hope.Kid No 2 still no wedding, no 3 and four and then goes on to stay for 17 years threatening to stab him etc instead of fighting to get married.
I mean its not a case of married and divorced but just dating with kids in tow for 17 years. They are both victims of each others lies and self deceit. I bet they were both getting high on the drama but now the man has grown up.

Maybe the man kept deceiving her and promising to marry her . . . that could have been the case

I had a neighbor who got married after almost 18 years (or more) of living together as husband and wife and having kids . . You'd never know they weren't married, until they invited everybody for their wedding . . .

My only BIL till date is not legally married to his 'wife' . . four kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, over 14 years together . . still not married . . no bride price, nothing!

So now I'm supposed to support him if he decides to marry someone else tomorrow . . . because the woman kept having kids for him while not being married to him

This is Nigeria, anything goes . . .

But don't tell me the man was 'forced' to stay . . . he made the choice to stay!

Ujujoan:

Maybe the man kept deceiving her and promising to marry her . . . that could have been the case

I had a neighbor who got married after almost 18 years (or more) of living together as husband and wife and having kids . . You'd never know they weren't married, until they invited everybody for their wedding . . .

My only BIL till date is not legally married to his 'wife' . . four kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, over 14 years together . . still not married . . no bride price, nothing!

So now I'm supposed to support him if he decides to marry someone else tomorrow . . . because the woman kept having kids for him while not being married to him

This is Nigeria, anything goes . . .

But don't tell me the man was 'forced' to stay . . . he made the choice to stay!

Forced? how? like i said they were getting high on the drama and he suddenly grew up. 17 years is not a joke but there is the case of the woman acting like a lunatic. If he stayed for 17 years it shows he may have put in his best but she was not willing to change. In fact his life was and still is in danger. This is the story we have and this is what we should work with. Of course as a woman my first thought was so he thinks he can finish this woman and move on to joy and peace but if its the matter of life and death- then safety first.

armyofone: new marriage and so stressful already. Two miscarriages and a scorned ex?
I'm not sure how she will win this. Games men play
The ex is doing her own thing now, wait till the 4 children start their own drama.
We don't always like someone with our father unless our own mother.

They better head for Austria. The man's dream of wanting to live in Nigeria i think must end.

@Pslm23, sorry I am not derailing your thread, one thing that made me open your post in the first place is because you are the one, was expecting maybe you want to take a new step and just want us to advise, but alas, reading a post you should be the chief adviser to yourself. Life is a teacher, tell your cos the truth cos you once faced it my sister. You've got a lot to tell her, don't hide from the lessons you have learnt.

That man for God's sake has four kids, they are more than enough in this present economy. Now your coz want to start having her own kids too at work age of the man?

I don't believe all those cook up stories, I am from Edo state and I know what Edo men are like, practically full of ego, am the oga on top, no woman bows their head, and you hear recounting all his lies too? If in the nearest two years your cos is not able to produce kids for him, this story will change, am sure then a different handle will post to ask 'how do I go out of this mess I put myself in', kai. My Edo pips as inlaw no go keep quiet if she no get pikin in a space of teo years.

Note this: Edo inlaws like ogbodo oyinbo wife, if your story about what they are saying is true, they are only cooking up that in order to get what they want, if you coz can't give it, then shit start, they will throw her out one time.

I still say it, advise her from your own experience, am not derailing you thread, its a great mistake if she go on in that marriage.

caropy: @Pslm23, sorry I am not derailing your thread, one thing that made me open your post in the first place is because you are the one, was expecting maybe you want to take a new step and just want us to advise, but alas, reading a post you should be the chief adviser to yourself. Life is a teacher, tell your cos the truth cos you once faced it my sister. You've got a lot to tell her, don't hide from the lessons you have learnt.

That man for God's sake has four kids, they are more than enough in this present economy. Now your coz want to start having her own kids too at work age of the man?

I don't believe all those cook up stories, I am from Edo state and I know what Edo men are like, practically full of ego, am the oga on top, no woman bows their head, and you hear recounting all his lies too? If in the nearest two years your cos is not able to produce kids for him, this story will change, am sure then a different handle will post to ask 'how do I go out of this mess I put myself in', kai. My Edo pips as inlaw no go keep quiet if she no get pikin in a space of teo years.

Note this: Edo inlaws like ogbodo oyinbo wife, if your story about what they are saying is true, they are only cooking up that in order to get what they want, if you coz can't give it, then shit start, they will throw her out one time.

I still say it, advise her from your own experience, am not derailing you thread, its a great mistake if she go on in that marriage.

Pslm 23 Is this wahala not too much for your cousin.

If the attempt to stab story is true, an edo man will never wait in that marriage, never. If he even tries it inlaws will never.

Then you said some of the inlaws still give her ears, that shows there is still a connection. Four a good number of 17 years, you think she deceived him to have four kids?

How I wish the ex is a nl, so that she can tell us her own side of the story, then we all will not talk this way.

@debrief, in most cases, women stay long in an abusive marriage in the name of my kids than men, no man stands a nagging and abusive wife, no man. And not for that long pls.

I am pretty sure the woman continue having kids for him with the hope that he will marry her legally one day, I see it that the picture of the man is what is being painted as the woman, he is the abusive man instead.

Well soon, truth will speak itself.

caropy: If the attempt to stab story is true, an edo man will never wait in that marriage, never. If he even tries it inlaws will never.

Then you said some of the inlaws still give her ears, that shows there is still a connection. Four a good number of 17 years, you think she deceived him to have four kids?

How I wish the ex is a nl, so that she can tell us her own side of the story, then we all will not talk this way.

@debrief, in most cases, women stay long in an abusive marriage in the name of my kids than men, no man stands a nagging and abusive wife, no man. And not for that long pls.

I am pretty sure the woman continue having kids for him with the hope that he will marry her legally one day, I see it that the picture of the man is what is being painted as the woman, he is the abusive man instead.

Well soon, truth will speak itself.

The more reason why i asked this cousin to find out what happened, there are four children involved here and they were together for 17 years. He said she did so many things to him, which I am not here to argue but why hold on to that same person for 17 years??

There is something off somewhere

andromida:

You really should not relate with this woman. She had the first kid no wedding. ok so she had hope.Kid No 2 still no wedding, no 3 and four and then goes on to stay for 17 years threatening to stab him etc instead of fighting to get married.
I mean its not a case of married and divorced but just dating with kids in tow for 17 years. They are both victims of each others lies and self deceit. I bet they were both getting high on the drama but now the man has grown up.

I don't know how a woman can place herself in such a position. She has no legal hold whatsoever on the man. He is free to just up and walk any day he feels like without even having to at least jump through the hoops of a divorce battle before getting rid of her.


As for the man, like I said, I place the bulk of the blame on him. I don't agree with the tongue lashing on his new wife, her mistake was falling in love with this guy.

The guy on the other hand has to be quite wicked. He has no excuse for not marrying her at some point in all those years. If she was good enough to manage for 17yrs and bear multiple children with, then she was good enough to marry. If he didn't want to marry her because of her ways as he claims, then he should have walked out a long time ago. If she was blackmailing him with their kids, couldn't he use the legal system or is he an imbe*cile? If he had the presence of mind to hold the marriage over her on condition that she change, then he had the presence of mind to walk out years ago. He even planned to only have 2 children with her. Wth? Why didn't he marry her after the first child? How about after the second? Even if they would be divorced today, he really should have married her at some point since she was good enough to be managed for 17yrs. He could have still managed her in marriage.

I fully understand the outrage against the man's actions. That being said, that is in the past. He has finally left her now (if they had been married, they would probably be divorced now) and he concluded with her before starting with the new woman. He is taking care of his children. Yes, he is an arsehole for waiting 17yrs to do the right thing but it's done now. He's never going back to her. She needs to move the hell on with her life. She should focus her energies on getting as much financially as she can from the guy and leave the wife alone.

I really don't know why people are bringing sentiments into this issue. Not all relationships/marriages work out. A couple can break up at any time they feel they have had enough. Is this man under any compulsion to continue with the "crazy" lady? Relationship/marriage na by force?

They broke up and were already living seperately before the man remarried. How is it his fault that the ex is acting up? Whether or not he should have married the ex is not an issue here, afterall, "live in lovers" have been existing for as far back as I can remember. If the lady wasn't comfortable with the "no marriage" situation, she should have opted out. Abi, was she tied down to stay with the man who wasn't ready to marry her even after 4 kids?

Now, the man has said he doesn't want to continue in the relationship again but willing to take care of his children, how is that wrong? So he shouldn't move on with his life? People divorce everyday even after 20yrs of marriage and after 10children, not to talk of a "baby mama". My people say "I no do again no dey bring fight"


She refused to work for 17yrs and lived off a man for that long. Now she doesn't know where to start from since her "sole provider" has moved on.

Op, your cousin's husband should talk to his ex's family to talk to the ex to desist from such uncultured and stupid act. She should stop embarasing and disgracing herself. Love/relationship/marriage is not by force!

Let your cousin stop picking any call she doesn't know the caller. Let her not be too worried about what this woman tells people about her. If the ex is as crazy as the op has described, then even the people she's selling those lies to won't buy them.

As for the teenager living with them, there is really nothing much she can do. Let her not go screaming and demanding respect from him. If he does something way off, let her tell his father. He will be in a better position to handle him.

Pls can a lawyer in the house exactly explain customary marrige and its implications for common law marriage
If a man has been with a woman for 17 years with 4 grown kids and yet people still say because there is no court marriage or trad there is no union

I bow o