I usually see wanna be movie producers trying in vain to make it in the world's No. 3 movie industry and i feel sorry for most of them.so i came up with this list for those that are yet to join and also for those that've joined and failed...here we go


1) Actors
Just contact about 15 top actors.it doesn't matter if the film seems star studded.as u progress in the industry you'll understand the reason for this.

2) Movie Title
You have to choose a catchy name for this movie because without it your dear movie will rot in the shelves.when i mean catchy i mean "mad man", "i pass my neighbor" etc.

3) Movie Poster
You have to cram in as many movie stars as u can.thanks to the dynamism of our industry you can afford to add pictures of actors that dont even feature in the movie.you can before to show desmond elliot with a toothpick btw his teeth whilst holdin an ak47 even when its actually a love film.

4) Drag actors to location
We're making progress but dont get excited already.next thing to do is to immediately transport the actors to the movie location.you dont need no script.every actor takes his birthright position i.e pete edochie --> red capped billionaire, mama gee --> wicked barren lady with orphan niece etc

5) Add extra drama
The shootin of the film is incomplete without scores of slappings,slumpings,middle aged men clutchin their chests and being rushed to the hospital.

6) The stethoscope scene
Oh! Lest we forget,just after the middle aged man was rushed to the hospital,there should be a cameo appearance from a top actor, ofcourse dressed in white and utter the great unchanging lines thus "i'm sorry...we lost him", then the hysterical laugh-like cry from family.

7) Stage a sad death
owky we're almost done.this is not really necessary but we dont have to leave anything to chance.one of the prominent characters just has to die.you can afford not to explain to the viewers how it all happened.a ceremony with everyone in black,wailing with oily faces in a rural setting'll just be fine for a burial.

Add filler scenes
Almost done now,infact all the hard work's done.by now,just spend time,kill time,burn time...spend like 5minutes showing us someone driving down a road alone,a random fat man sitting in an office and discussing bout non-existent billions etc etc.

9) Check the film length
If it took u more than 1week to produce this movie, my dear you better forget entirely about the industry and go assist ur mother in her kiosk.

10) Schedule assesment.
The film should be around 6-8hours long by now.split it into 45mins each; part 1,2,3 etc


Bravo!! now your movie is all set for the market.i cant wait to see you at the top

Awesome! I liked that a lot!!

VillageBoi:
Awesome! I liked that a lot!!

@OP, Even though I admire your sarcasm, I thought this thread was actually to enlighten me until I opened it and saw all this. Well, good for you. (And I guess you are talking about alaba movies and not cinema ones).

sholay2011:


@OP, Even though I admire your sarcasm, I thought this thread was actually to enlighten me until I opened it and saw all this. Well, good for you. (And I guess you are talking about alaba movies and not cinema ones).

The thread is meant to be a joke... just take it as one

VillageBoi:

The thread is meant to be a joke... just take it as one

Don't mind me...I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

sholay2011:


@OP, Even though I admire your sarcasm, I thought this thread was actually to enlighten me until I opened it and saw all this. Well, good for you. (And I guess you are talking about alaba movies and not cinema ones).

Seriously alaba movie.the creativity 4 a movie director is all over me. Saw ur post on a feature film.send it 2 me tOo : ojiscute@yahoo.ca.........we shall transform moving making in Nigeria