I honestly can't believe I'm asking this but such is the way of our culture.
Brief history: I relocated back to naija in 2010 and moved in with my folks since I was a JJC. Met my fiance in 2012. Before that the issue of moving out on my own had always been a hot topic (knowing fully well I was an independent person while outside the country). Anyway fast forward to this year and I think its just about time I move out and get some privacy and restore my sanity.
My only problem now is that although we are engaged to get married in the near future he hasn't done the whole traditional rite and my parents will shun against moving in with him (I'm not even allowed to spend the night with him).
And it won't be financially wise to get a place of my own in the meantime knowing that we will get hitched eventually.
My problem now is that I really need my privacy and sanity. Right now the folks are driving me insane. My stress level is at an all time high and I feel like if I don't get it under control I might be heading for some major downtime which is what I'm trying to prevent.
Please looking forward to your advice/suggestion.

to me oh, engagement is not marriage, it can b broken anytime ,anyday. relaxs n endure a little more wit ur pple, i think dat wil make him respect n hasten things up 4 proper wedding. goodluck all d same

My dear, your parents are doing what normal parents should do. You are eventually going to be with this guy so why the rush? What do you plan to do overnight with him that you can't do in the daytime?

You are the one making your stress level unnecessarily high. You have no options as it is except you want to rebel against your parents which doesn't make sense so please manage the situation the way it is until your fiancee decides to do the needful.

How old are you btw?

chaircover: So sorry but that is what happens in most Nigerian households. It doesnt matter how old you are, you are still seen as their baby. My mum still insists on packing my suitcases for me (i dont argue on that one and I quite enjoy the fact that I dont need to worry about weighing suitcases and wrapping yams cos all that gets done)

. . . and its only recently that she stopped asking me to hand over my passport to her for safekeeping as soon as I step out of the airport. As big as I am o! who kept the passport for me up until then LOL.

The truth is that, You live under their roof, so you are going to abide by their rules. You can have a chat with them, explaining your grievances, but I doubt it will make much difference

The only other option if you cant cope with your folks, is to rent your own apartment, but what you gain in privacy, you will lose in the security that comes with living with your parents.

Please please please whatever you do, dont take a shortcut and live with your fiance until he truly takes your hand in marriage.

Thank you CC. My thoughts exactly. I've ruled out moving in with him as an option. These are Nigerian parents, the last I tried airing my grievances I was instantly shut down. I've really managed for three years trying to move with the flow of things but its just getting to the point where I feel I would literally break if I don't move out.
As I said earlier, I lived on my own before relocating back to Nigeria (I can't stand roommates) and I was a working professional. My greatest joy after a stressful day at work was coming home, eating dinner in front of the telly with no disturbance at all. Now my routine has drastically changed and I have adapted but privacy is something I don't have (I love my alone times). I can't unwind and that's really starting to build up. I'm getting closer to the big 3-0 and I'm made to feel like a baby.
I guess in a way I'm just trying to regain a part of my old life (albeit boring) I still had peace and sanity of mind.

Darlene babe: to me oh, engagement is not marriage, it can b broken anytime ,anyday. relaxs n endure a little more wit ur pple, i think dat wil make him respect n hasten things up 4 proper wedding. goodluck all d same

Truer words have never been spoken. Thanks for that. But from my post u will see that I have been enduring this for 3 years now. I feel handicapped now because my fiance doesn't want me to move out. We are both looking at it from the financial perspective but something gotta give.
Naija things can be so complicated at times.

slimyem: My dear, your parents are doing what normal parents should do. You are eventually going to be with this guy so why the rush? What do you plan to do overnight with him that you can't do in the daytime?

You are the one making your stress level unnecessarily high. You have no options as it is except you want to rebel against your parents which doesn't make sense so please manage the situation the way it is until your fiancee decides to do the needful.

How old are you btw?

Did u read my post well or just glanced through it because I feel like u missed the entire point of the post.
My problem isn't moving in with him but moving out on my own. The reason I mentioned my fiance is that we are both looking at d cost of me getting a place of my own. But like a previous poster already pointed out engaged is not the same as marriage.

@op, if your parent allow you to get your own place, please do and dont worry about the cost implication, when you get to the bridge, you shall cross it, but if they dont accept, continue to endure, the time you have to continue enduring with them is less than the time you have already spent with them.
Meanwhile, if this guy is ready, why dont you get your wedding done.
However, never take any shortcut, it could work against you in the future.
May God continue to guide you aright. Amen.

sweetchick1234:
Did u read my post well or just glanced through it because I feel like u missed the entire point of the post.
My problem isn't moving in with him but moving out on my own. The reason I mentioned my fiance is that we are both looking at d cost of me getting a place of my own. But like a previous poster already pointed out engaged is not the same as marriage.

I didn't miss anything. The point of your initial post was more privacy and freedom with yourself and your fiance...or isn't that it?

...and I only said your options were limited. You already highlighted your constraints so there's little or nothing you can do asides managing it a little longer.(which is something I think you already know).
If I said anything offensive,I'm sorry.

slimyem: I didn't miss anything. The point of your initial post was more privacy and freedom with yourself and your fiance...or isn't that it?

...and I only said your options were limited. You already highlighted your constraints so there's little or nothing you can do asides managing it a little longer.(which is something I think you already know).
If I said anything offensive,I'm sorry.

Nope u didn't say anything offensive . Its more about me and my fiance getting in the way . Thanks for your advice

greatgod2012: @op, if your parent allow you to get your own place, please do and dont worry about the cost implication, when you get to the bridge, you shall cross it, but if they dont accept, continue to endure, the time you have to continue enduring with them is less than the time you have already spent with them.
Meanwhile, if this guy is ready, why dont you get your wedding done.
However, never take any shortcut, it could work against you in the future.
May God continue to guide you aright. Amen.

Thanks you are quite right

u know u can always move out. Apparently its not ur first time being on ur own. U were technically working and living alone before right. Well good luck on whatever option u choose. I know it can be difficult when u come back home but just hang in there.

OP,
I know how you feel. But have patience, it will all be worth it in the end. You really don't want to live on your own as naija environment as a spinster. It is not looked upon favorably. Its better if you live with a sibling sef. I can't even imagine living with my mum for more than 2weeks. I think she will eat me alive, and we will end up fighting everyday after the initial 2weeks. When you have tasted independence, that's it. But have patience, all this will soon end. At least now you know when you move with hubby, moving back home is not an option.

Get used to living with a "roommate" cos when you get married you can't have that alone time. I have noticed that when it gets closer for a "good separation" like moving out to your own place, leaving a roommate, etc there is a tendency to not be as tolerant as you would ordinarily be.
Have you noticed that friends fight after living together for years at the point when someone is about to leave. I don't know if I am being concise or if u understand me.
You need to decide within yourself to let go of grievances etc. You can do what my cousin did and just ignore everyone in the house. Come home and go straight to your room till morning. Morning, you go to work. Weekends, you stay in your room or go out all day. It's not the best but it's better than unnecessary arguments.

Hv u considered joinin hand with ur guy at least and do something. That way,everybody is happy.Life is in stages,u know.

blank: Get used to living with a "roommate" cos when you get married you can't have that alone time. I have noticed that when it gets closer for a "good separation" like moving out to your own place, leaving a roommate, etc there is a tendency to not be as tolerant as you would ordinarily be.
Have you noticed that friends fight after living together for years at the point when someone is about to leave. I don't know if I am being concise or if u understand me.
You need to decide within yourself to let go of grievances etc. You can do what my cousin did and just ignore everyone in the house. Come home and go straight to your room till morning. Morning, you go to work. Weekends, you stay in your room or go out all day. It's not the best but it's better than unnecessary arguments.

If I have a room to myself I won't even consider it an issue. I can manage with that. But I share a room hence the lack of privacy.

sweetchick1234: I honestly can't believe I'm asking this but such is the way of our culture.
Brief history: I relocated back to naija in 2010 and moved in with my folks since I was a JJC. Met my fiance in 2012. Before that the issue of moving out on my own had always been a hot topic (knowing fully well I was an independent person while outside the country). Anyway fast forward to this year and I think its just about time I move out and get some privacy and restore my sanity.
My only problem now is that although we are engaged to get married in the near future he hasn't done the whole traditional rite and my parents will shun against moving in with him (I'm not even allowed to spend the night with him).
And it won't be financially wise to get a place of my own in the meantime knowing that we will get hitched eventually.
My problem now is that I really need my privacy and sanity. Right now the folks are driving me insane. My stress level is at an all time high and I feel like if I don't get it under control I might be heading for some major downtime which is what I'm trying to prevent.
Please looking forward to your advice/suggestion.

You were able to stay alone there cos your parents were not living there.
Now that you are in d same town with ur parents, u can always stay with them.
Wots the point of getting a place in d same when you will still move outta dat place to ur matrimonial home?
It will better if you move out after wedding i will advise.
I know you want to hang out with ur fiance, come in anytime you like etc but dont forget they are your parents and they want the best for you.
They believe it is not right to spend d nite with him.
You can always make them understand that you need to spend time with this guy u want to marry.
So out to see him on Saturdays & PHs. Spend the whole day with him and go back home @ nite.
Let him come to ur house on Sundays and after like 2hrs, u guys can go out and let him come and drop you
He will earn more respect from ur parents.
Dnt be surprised that if u eventually get ur own apartment, d guy may start to doubt u with any little thing thinking you come home with guys.
To me i think ur guy will feel more secure when u r with ur parents dan when u r staying alone.
You had ur life when u were away fine! Since u have a job couple with Lagos traffic ( sorry idk where u r based), u shld be tired when u get home (Mon- Fri).
Look forward to the weekend and you guys can always see each other
Try and endure, its for a while
The time you have left is not up to what you have spent alrdy

sweetchick1234: I honestly can't believe I'm asking this but such is the way of our culture.
Brief history: I relocated back to naija in 2010 and moved in with my folks since I was a JJC. Met my fiance in 2012. Before that the issue of moving out on my own had always been a hot topic (knowing fully well I was an independent person while outside the country). Anyway fast forward to this year and I think its just about time I move out and get some privacy and restore my sanity.
My only problem now is that although we are engaged to get married in the near future he hasn't done the whole traditional rite and my parents will shun against moving in with him (I'm not even allowed to spend the night with him).
And it won't be financially wise to get a place of my own in the meantime knowing that we will get hitched eventually.
My problem now is that I really need my privacy and sanity. Right now the folks are driving me insane. My stress level is at an all time high and I feel like if I don't get it under control I might be heading for some major downtime which is what I'm trying to prevent.
Please looking forward to your advice/suggestion.

Listen, the taste of friendship is not the taste of marriage. If he loves you and needs you as much as you need him, follow the right steps to resolve this issue, less you regret it. You having stayed outside and had your privacy does not mean that it is like that when you are talking of marriage.
Your parents are trying to help you do the right thing as men, could turn to be something nasty when they have taken due advantage of you and you be left to regret your action. Relax and follow due process in anything that has to do with marriage. 9ija men are very difficult when it come to marriage unlike their western counterpart.
I am a man and must advise you as a brother. Take it easy as this your marriage thing is a difficult thing to handle. 9ija man can display love today and take you to all the good eatery places and once you get married and take in, you are on your own and no more eatery, flower,love cards and their likes.Listen to your parents so that your days may be long.

@op I get where u r coming.was in same situation 3yrs bac bt am now married.beliv me ur parents wnt d best for u.pls dnt move out cos as u stated u intend to settle wit ur man n dat wil mean additional expenses on ur own end.if d weddin plans r on hold due to finance,I wil suggest u support ur fiance wit d moni towards d wedding dats if u r sure he loves u n is ready to settle down wit u.while u r at it,starting wit d situation u r faced wit at home,learn patience/endurance/tolerance cos u wil surely need all of it wen u marry.u may nt even hav d privacy u r craving for,ur hubby wil b there,in-laws wil b there n by d time children start coming sef ur life wil go super public.lol.

vingi: @op I get where u r coming.was in same situation 3yrs bac bt am now married.beliv me ur parents wnt d best for u.pls dnt move out cos as u stated u intend to settle wit ur man n dat wil mean additional expenses on ur own end.if d weddin plans r on hold due to finance,I wil suggest u support ur fiance wit d moni towards d wedding dats if u r sure he loves u n is ready to settle down wit u.while u r at it,starting wit d situation u r faced wit at home,learn patience/endurance/tolerance cos u wil surely need all of it wen u marry.u may nt even hav d privacy u r craving for,ur hubby wil b there,in-laws wil b there n by d time children start coming sef ur life wil go super public.lol.

Right on point!... ....lol......anyone spouse looking for privacy in marriage, especially the wife , is daydreaming... Getting married is good o.... But trust me, your privacy will have another level with a new family to adjust into...so, op...learn to be patient, tolerant and above all, manage people around u wisely... Cause u will definitely need it , during marriage...I have female friends who are married...they hardly have their aLone time...even to make their hair , is an issue...to makeup, nko....no time... ......always looking bland, tired and on the move... Either to pick up kids from school, during break time from work... Dropping them off , at home....then heading back to their offices or shops...some even take the kids to their shops, and will close finally with their mother, while they either head home, or branch at the market, that's if she's mobile....then buy foodstuffs, head home...start preparing dinner , while screaming at the kids to be quiet and go bath for the night.....my dear, that na another level of commitment, and responsibility, u must be ready to manage , well...so pls Be understanding towards yur parents and u will b ok...patience is the key.

Thanks guys for the advice and kind words. I still have the oyinbo mentality of being on your own at a certain age. But I understand I culture is different and as such I have to be patient and stick it out for now.
This is unrelated to the topic but I would like to know at what age a woman is supposed to leave her father's house if she isn't married by the prescribe time. I like the idea of marriage but I don't see it as a do or die affair. If it happens then good, if it doesn't life still moves on. That's just my own philosophy of life.

sweetchick1234: Thanks guys for the advice and kind words. I still have the oyinbo mentality of being on your own at a certain age. But I understand I culture is different and as such I have to be patient and stick it out for now.
This is unrelated to the topic but I would like to know at what age a woman is supposed to leave her father's house if she isn't married by the prescribe time. I like the idea of marriage but I don't see it as a do or die affair. If it happens then good, if it doesn't life still moves on. That's just my own philosophy of life.

As far as most Nigerian parents are concerned, a child is always a child. You can never grow older than them or know more than them (so they say )

Being female, I don't think there's an age limit as far as most are concerned, so it is possible that you could end up living with them till your old age. Yes, I know over here in the west, from 18 onwards, you're looked upon as an adult capable of managing your own life and expected to leave home and forge it out in the real world...

As per your initial question, my suggestion would be: how about you going down a bit lower to get something you can afford? You are working and earning an income aren't you? Otherwise, taking into account the Naija factor (i.e not being looked upon favourably as a single lady living on her own, etc) as pointed out by some posters here, you might just have to grin and bear it a little bit longer.

Best of luck, dear.

sweetchick1234: Thanks guys for the advice and kind words. I still have the oyinbo mentality of being on your own at a certain age. But I understand I culture is different and as such I have to be patient and stick it out for now.
This is unrelated to the topic but I would like to know at what age a woman is supposed to leave her father's house if she isn't married by the prescribe time. I like the idea of marriage but I don't see it as a do or die affair. If it happens then good, if it doesn't life still moves on. That's just my own philosophy of life.

I suggest you relax and feel free to stay with your parents until a God sent man comes your wife and he will act as a man and respect your opinion. As I earlier advised, the taste of friendship is not the taste of marriage. A true husband will come your way with respect while you are still with your parents than when you stay as a single lady with your millions.

Go check out many single lady bankers who rented good houses and living big then and now without husband as a result of trying to say : I have arrived. Many guys will have their ways and still run away from them.
Hang in with your parents while asking your creator for a true husband, rather than most 9ija men who are just heart breakers and bed warmers.

@Op truth be told. With the little time you have before marriage, You have to work on your 'philosophy of life'. What I mean is you have to start accepting the notion that you will soon be 'under' a man and maybe like your father, Ur husband may want to prove he is the head.

My point is, you cant 'always' have the freedom you want but you can try to find joy in anything you have to do. You will be married soon and wont have this privacy you'r itshing to have.

Work around things. understand your parents and let them understand you so a reseanable line can be drawn...thats also involved in marriage so learn now.

All the best Dear



#Amelian and vingi gave it a real hit!#

sweetchick1234:

Thank you CC. My thoughts exactly. I've ruled out moving in with him as an option. These are Nigerian parents, the last I tried airing my grievances I was instantly shut down. I've really managed for three years trying to move with the flow of things but its just getting to the point where I feel I would literally break if I don't move out.
As I said earlier, I lived on my own before relocating back to Nigeria (I can't stand roommates) and I was a working professional. My greatest joy after a stressful day at work was coming home, eating dinner in front of the telly with no disturbance at all. Now my routine has drastically changed and I have adapted but privacy is something I don't have (I love my alone times). I can't unwind and that's really starting to build up. I'm getting closer to the big 3-0 and I'm made to feel like a baby.
I guess in a way I'm just trying to regain a part of my old life (albeit boring) I still had peace and sanity of mind.

I can relate to your dilemma 100%. I am also someone who cannot stand roommates. I also cannot stand having people around me constantly because it really stresses me out and when I am stressed out, I eventually snap or flare up if you will. The thing is, I hate noise with a passion and a noisy environment leaves me restless. I have spent the greater part of my life on earth in the western world. I came back to Nigeria to serve and then possibly remain in Nigeria. When I came, I lived with my sister and her husband and their kids. It was a nightmare to say the least. The average Nigerian has a hearing problem caused by constant noise pollution. They jack up the volume of the television so loud causing my ears to ring. The kids acting all hyper probably due to too much sugar consumption. To cut a long story short, after 2 months with them, I quickly got my own place.

Ever since I got and moved into my own place, I now have peace. Living with Nigerians is especially difficult because they are generally loud, meddlesome and don't know how to mind their own business, and the environment especially within the home is noisy too especially because the volume of the TV is so loud. I thought I could reside in Nigeria but it became obvious that I cannot. I will just be miserable so after NYSC, I am leaving again for good.

As for your situation, you have 2 options: get your own place or find out from your fiance when he intends to legally marry you so that you guys can start preparing for your wedding or sit there in your parents home miserable suffering and smiling until God knows when. I personally don't care what society thinks because when it comes to Nigerians, you can't please them. Even after you get married, if you don't get pregnant immediately, Nigerians will begin to flap their jaws. If you get pregnant immediately and you give birth to a girl instead of a boy which is what is more preferable, Nigerians will still talk.

In fact, listen to Nigerians and you will become a shadow of yourself because nothing you do will make the average Nigerian happy. Hence you must do that which will make you happy. You should not compromise your happiness just to make others happy or because you worry about what people will say. Besides, I feel that any man who truly loves a woman will not suddenly cancel his plans of marrying her all because she got her own place. That is just shallow.

All the best!

dasparrow:

I can relate to your dilemma 100%. I am also someone who cannot stand roommates. I also cannot stand having people around me constantly because it really stresses me out and when I am stressed out, I eventually snap or flare up if you will. The thing is, I hate noise with a passion and a noisy environment leaves me restless. I have spent the greater part of my life on earth in the western world. I came back to Nigeria to serve and then possibly remain in Nigeria. When I came, I lived with my sister and her husband and their kids. It was a nightmare to say the least. The average Nigerian has a hearing problem caused by constant noise pollution. They jack up the volume of the television so loud causing my ears to ring. The kids acting all hyper probably due to too much sugar consumption. To cut a long story short, after 2 months with them, I quickly got my own place.

Ever since I got and moved into my own place, I now have peace. Living with Nigerians is especially difficult because they are generally loud, meddlesome and don't know how to mind their own business, and the environment especially within the home is noisy too especially because the volume of the TV is so loud. I thought I could reside in Nigeria but it became obvious that I cannot. I will just be miserable so after NYSC, I am leaving again for good.

As for your situation, you have 2 options: get your own place or find out from your fiance when he intends to legally marry you so that you guys can start preparing for your wedding or sit there in your parents home miserable suffering and smiling until God knows when. I personally don't care what society thinks because when it comes to Nigerians, you can't please them. Even after you get married, if you don't get pregnant immediately, Nigerians will begin to flap their jaws. If you get pregnant immediately and you give birth to a girl instead of a boy which is what is more preferable, Nigerians will still talk.

In fact, listen to Nigerians and you will become a shadow of yourself because nothing you do will make the average Nigerian happy. Hence you must do that which will make you happy. You should not compromise your happiness just to make others happy or because you worry about what people will say. Besides, I feel that any man who truly loves a woman will not suddenly cancel his plans of marrying her all because she got her own place. That is just shallow.

All the best!

Thank you, thank u so much for this post. U adequately captured everything I'm feeling at this point and I think some on here misunderstood what I was trying to convey.
I just need a quiet place to stay and I'm less concerned what others have to say. My peace of mind comes first and everything else.
Like some other poster suggested, I think I'll just find a reasonably priced accommodation and wait for the wedding. I know my guy and he isn't the "typical" Nigerian dude. Like I mentioned in my original post we are just mindful of cost which is why I talked to him first. But if he isn't willingly to set a date, I can't keep killing myself slowly for the sake of marriage. Life is too short for that. So I'm currently looking for a place and when I do I'll move out plain and simple.
Again thank you soooo much I appreciate your post. And good luck to you too

Go ahead and get ur own place.u need all the peace of u mind u can get b4 dis marriage and for ur own sanity.the marriage will come when it will.what if u d marriage gets delayed for some reason,it means that u'l have to put up with all d yubbish(as my daughter calls it) u're putting up with now.may God see you thru.