sylvia78: I can relate to this topic. I recently separated from my hubby of three years because of his childish character. Each time we had a misunderstanding, he wouldnt speak with me for weeks and even months.

I moved out because we had a misunderstanding and he just shut me out completely for four months. He stopped eating at home,stop associating with me in anyway, even stopped touching me.

I tried severaly tried to talk things over with him but he wouldnt budge. Several times i cried and begged him to forgive whatever i might have done to deserve such treatment,but nothing.

I left for my parents place with hope that he would at least come to report to my parents and hopefully we would resolve it. But a year and half later, he hasnt even called to know where i am and what am doing. Even his people cant get in touch with him.

All this epistle is just to show what harm 'silent treatment' can cause in a marriage.

devour129: i used to be bothered by this when my hubby does but not anymore.i channel my mind and time to other things.agaracha must come back.in fact that's the best time to ask him for things cos for his mind he dosent want to talk to you at all so he gives you whatever you want so can leave him alone.

Mystery 1:




I will not exonerate the guy for the funny behaviour but I still find it hard to believe that THERE IS NO SMOKE WITH FIRE

afamgod: I'm new on this forum and this is my 1st comment on any post.
Talkin about silent treament, i tink my husband & i deservs an award. Agreed is somethin terrible, but we cant help it. His so good at it that he can go for months, until am able to call him to reasons. Infact he does it to neighbours too. Currently we're at it for no big cause and[b] i'm 31weeks pregnant and ve decided 2 keep that way till i deliver my baby.

Is there any other way out of this silent treatment without having to beg for a problem that was no cause of mine or having to say sorry when am not really 'sorry'?

afamgod: I'm new on this forum and this is my 1st comment on any post.
Talkin about silent treament, i tink my husband & i deservs an award. Agreed is somethin terrible, but we cant help it. His so good at it that he can go for months, until am able to call him to reasons. Infact he does it to neighbours too. Currently we're at it for no big cause and i'm 31weeks pregnant and ve decided 2 keep that way till i deliver my baby. Is there any other way out of this silent treatment without having to beg for a problem that was no cause of mine or having to say sorry when am not really 'sorry'?

sylvia78: I can relate to this topic. I recently separated from my hubby of three years because of his childish character. Each time we had a misunderstanding, he wouldnt speak with me for weeks and even months.

I moved out because we had a misunderstanding and he just shut me out completely for four months. He stopped eating at home,stop associating with me in anyway, even stopped touching me.

I tried severaly tried to talk things over with him but he wouldnt budge. Several times i cried and begged him to forgive whatever i might have done to deserve such treatment,but nothing.

I left for my parents place with hope that he would at least come to report to my parents and hopefully we would resolve it. But a year and half later, he hasnt even called to know where i am and what am doing. Even his people cant get in touch with him.

All this epistle is just to show what harm 'silent treatment' can cause in a marriage.

jidewin:
Sister,
I pray your marriage be restored but you need to have what I call OPEN COMMUNICATION in your relationship. It means when you and your partner notice something unpleasant and could not stomach it,VOICE it, but not vehemently.
Breakdown in communication is the catalyst for wider gaps between you and your partner. Never stop talking in your relationship. women brain are mentally designed to talk (and don't they enjoy it)and sometime says hurtful things,yet expect their partner to listen. Its a natural phenomenon with women. And if you feel you can voice out.Write your feelings on paper or send him sms,short messages how you feel.
A loving and caring partner would not shun his spouse after attempts to end the conflict between them. Pride as I've come to learn must not be allowed to have a hold in any union.
Unless you've done something so wrong,such as infidelity and your spouse decided to end the union.But for him to lock out even your people from reaching,nah nah,that's to the extreme.
Wish you success eventually.

kcjazz: You can't go wrong when as a victim you remain happy. It confuses the silent one. Avoid any vice during the period. Watch tv, laugh loudly, help with chores without been asked. Greet them in the morning and evening. Pray and thank God for your spouse. It works like magic but stick with your decision until you guys can talk reasonably.

israel007: People who engage in silent treatment are childish and cheap. Its even stoupid when men engage in malice. Mtcheeeew

bigass: THE CHALLENGE

How do two people who have vowed to love each other get to the point where they refuse to talk for hours—or even days? ‘At least we stopped fighting,’ they tell themselves. Still, the issue has not been resolved, and they both feel uncomfortable.

WHY IT HAPPENS

Retaliation. Some spouses use silence as a form of revenge. For example, suppose a husband makes weekend plans without consulting his wife. When she finds out, she is angry and calls him inconsiderate. He responds by calling her oversensitive. The wife storms off and stews in silence. In effect, she is saying, “You hurt me, so I am going to hurt you back.”

Manipulation. Some use the silent treatment as a means to get what they want. For example, imagine that a husband and wife plan a trip and the wife would like to take her parents along. The husband objects. “You’re married to me, not to your parents,” he says. He then gives his wife the silent treatment, shunning her in the hope that she will break down and concede to his wishes.

Of course, a temporary time-out can give a couple the opportunity to let emotions cool when an argument is getting out of hand. That type of silence can be beneficial. The Bible says that there is “a time to keep quiet.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7) But when it is used as a means to retaliate or manipulate, the silent treatment not only prolongs conflict but also erodes the respect the couple have for each other. How can you prevent that from happening to you?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

The first step to ending the silent treatment is to recognize it for what it is—a tactic that, at best, works only short-term. True, not talking may quench your thirst for retaliation or compel your spouse to give in to your wishes. But is that really how you want to treat someone whom you have vowed to love? There are better ways to resolve conflicts.

Be discerning. The Bible says that love “does not become provoked.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) So don’t overreact to such emotionally charged statements as “You never listen” or “You are always late.” Instead, discern the intent behind the words. For instance, “You never listen” might really mean “I feel as if you don’t take my viewpoint seriously.”—Bible principle: Proverbs 14:29.

Think of your spouse as your teammate rather than an opponent

Lower your voice. Arguments tend to escalate as they continue. On the other hand, you can change the direction of a heated discussion. How? The book Fighting for Your Marriage says: “Softening your tone and acknowledging your partner’s point of view are potent tools you can employ to diffuse tension and end escalation. Often that’s all it takes.”—Bible principle: Proverbs 26:20.

Think of “we” instead of “me.” The Bible says: “Let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person.” (1 Corinthians 10:24) If you think of your spouse as your teammate rather than your opponent, you will be less likely to take offense, argue, and then refuse to talk to your spouse.—Bible principle: Ecclesiastes 7:9.

The silent treatment runs counter to the Bible’s admonition: “Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33) Why not make an agreement with your spouse that the silent treatment is unacceptable in your marriage?


http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g201306/the-silent-treatment/

kokoye: Well, I hope everyone on this thread is married ..or else my post may make no sense to you.

When you live together, there WILL be disagreements that if not well managed, may lead to something else. You have to understand your partner and know how to diffuse the situation.

I personally dont like going back n forth when tensions are high cos I have realised it doesnt work out well FOR US.

If as a result of your emotions or anger, you say things that are hurtful to me, I may naturally want to get back at you verbally ..then we start hurting each other with words. I dont do that.

Instead, I WILL KEEP QUIET ..or WALK AWAY IF NECESSARY.

We tend not to think right or listen when we are are angry.

If you keep shouting at me or saying hurtful things, you are simply just extending my silent period. I cant talk to you because you are too 'high' to listen to me or think right.

When we both calm down (not matter how long it takes..hours in most cases), then I will get my points across and listen as well - that is effective and efficient communication.

Call it silent treatment but that is what works for me. I'm not forcing it on you.

sylvia78:


Thank you.

I never said i was completely without fault.He is 8 years older than me i'm in my early 30s, and i have never intentionally committed any grave offence that would warrant such treatment from him . Like i said, each time we had a misunderstanding,he would shut me out for a long time and i will have to beg sometimes all night just to ensure that we sort out the issue. This wasn't a case of infidelity like some people might assume,in fact if there is anyone who has ever been found guilty in that aspect is him. I have caught him several times,heard and seen evidences and each time i tried express my displeasure,i got all sorts of treatment from him including being beaten up. This happened on two occations.

Right now,while i'm hoping that things get sorted out somehow,i am also carrying on with my life. My parents have on several occasions tried to call him to order but he changed his numbers. His people too have claimed they cant get through to him.

I would never suggest silent treatment as a way of sorting out marital issues, because it only escalates issues and makes the paties involved strangers to each other.Whtaever the problem is, its better to talk about it,if neccessary bring in an elderly person depending on the gravity of the problem

afamgod: @Lastpage and jidewin, I quite understand you guys, but am afraid if am going to do this for the rest of my life. i.e begging and sayin sorry.

kokoye:
- Men are not as verbal as women when dealing with issues. We really do not enjoy going back n forth at each other.

- When you react, there will ALWAYS be a reaction..and this applies to both sexes. When you say something hurtful to your spouse, he will: 1. take a verbal swipe back at you' 2. physical swipe or 3. keep quiet and/or walk away. One of the three WILL HAPPEN.

- While tensions are running high and your husband is making his feelings known verbally, the way you react matters a lot. If you start yelling and nagging, you are not helping. Keep quiet and listen..let him know you understadn what he's saying even if you dont agree with him. Talk to him when he calms down - most of us will listen. If your husband feels like he's talking to a brick wall, he may stop talking alltogether.

Men hurt the same way women hurt but we are not as verbal. But we will surely find a way to react - and you may not like it..you're not supposed to anyway

When he's angry...learn to give him some pace to calm down. Dont force him to talk to you. He will calm down...eventually

Verbal insults hurt men ..the same way physical abuse hurts women.

Hope this helps.

God help us all.

jidewin:
Sylvia, that name gives me memories.Its unfortunate what you are going through,In fact i asked myself, what if you are blood sister,what shall i say? This is what i came up with.
Your hubby have emotional issues.Seriously,how can someone be that stiff neck What sin could have been committed against one that could be so great you find very and i mean very hard to let go?.
Now here's my advise,If you have a job, good,focus on improving your status-quo (acquire more qualifications).If you have the means,abeg hit the gym.YES. You will meet ladies and men who wouldn't mind spending time with you or the other way round.I'm certain he is keeping a tab somehow on you while you must carry on with your life like you too don't care anymore.
IF he doesn't bulge before we proceed into the 'ember period', my sister, start dating.You only live once.

afamgod: I'm new on this forum and this is my 1st comment on any post.
Talkin about silent treament, i tink my husband & i deservs an award. Agreed is somethin terrible, but we cant help it. His so good at it that he can go for months, until am able to call him to reasons. Infact he does it to neighbours too. Currently we're at it for no big cause and i'm 31weeks pregnant and ve decided 2 keep that way till i deliver my baby. Is there any other way out of this silent treatment without having to beg for a problem that was no cause of mine or having to say sorry when am not really 'sorry'?

Ihedinobi: May God deliver His People from the wise men of Nairaland. "Men are not verbal creatures". What am I and what are all these politicians in the world? Women? A woman whose husband is giving the silent treatment and who does not know why is to blame for it? Such moronicity! I don't believe she said anywhere that it wasn't her fault. She did in fact say that she begged for him to tell her what she did wrong and even apologized for whatever it might be before ever hearing her wrong. The one who's pregnant and is tired of always begging for offences she knows nothing of needs to be advised to keep suing for peace with her husband whenever he decides to play God?

Where do these "wise men" crawl out of to advise people?

The silent treatment is emotional blackmail, it is a devastating tool of emotional warfare. And nobody in a relationship, male and female, is justified using it. For those of us who might be a little confused, defusing an argument or a quarrel by shutting up for awhile with every intent to clear things up when emotions cool is not at all the same thing as and cannot be confused with the silent treatment when one partner deliberately shuts out their mate and prevents them from any hope of resolving the issue at hand.

This very thing is what I personally suffered from a girlfriend I loved with every fiber of my being. It leaves one in a state of partial insanity to be rendered incapable of fixing what one may have done wrong to the one treating them to silence. It's like an itch in some part of one's body out of one's fingers' reach. You know you want to fix what you did wrong, you know you want to make the person happy again but they simply won't let you. If you love them, that makes you very miserable. Perhaps it is your fault that they are angry in the first place but it's not yours that they stay angry.

Truly, I think the best anyone being treated to silence can do is to shift the focus of their emotions from the person trying to drive them mad to something or someone else until they're open to mature discussion again. This does not mean responding in kind, the one suffering the treatment should still keep the comm lines open but they shouldn't spend the rest of their days sitting at the radio.

The silent treatment is given by emotionally immature people. It requires emotional maturity to deal with. But it does not end because the one suffering it is emotionally mature. Kids will be kids. Unless the one dealing out the punishment chooses to discuss the issue that they're mad about, it is impossible to resolve it and from that point on the relationship begins to die. What the emotionally mature partner can do is endure it and accept what results from it which might be the death of the relationship.

Mystery 1:

You condemned the your so called ''wise men'' but ended up giving their same advice.

Very awkward

Ihedinobi: May God deliver His People from the wise men of Nairaland. "Men are not verbal creatures". What am I and what are all these politicians in the world? Women?