BY ELNATHAN JOHN
God is faithful. He has blessed your hustle with a
husband. You began by going out of your way to
show you were a dutiful Nigerian wife- cooking,
cleaning and never saying no to your husband. God
will meet you at the point of your needs and bless
you for this. However, something is happening to
you. Tiredness is setting in. You feel nauseous and
irritated. The doctor has told you that you are having a baby. This has never happened to you before. (The one that happened in university doesn’t count-anyone who reminds you of this, God will truncate their hustle.) You and your husband agree that you cannot keep up with the house work with this growing human mass in your tummy. It is time for a house help. Your husband has left you to take care of it.
You have many choices. There is the choice of one of
those Gbagyi or other minority Northern young girls
who have been trained to work like horses, want little and show gratitude for whatever they receive. The girl may have thinning brown hair from lack of
nutrition and may look stunted at 12 but trust me
she knows how to fetch water, wash piles of clothes
and sweep endlessly.
You also have the choice of taking the 11year old out-of-wedlock daughter of that distant cousin whom you have never met in your village in Umunede. You had heard that a boy got her pregnant at 14 and ran away thereafter. Since then the daughter has suffered stigma and neglect as well as blocked any chances of your cousin getting a husband. Those village people can be unforgiving.
There is that aunt in the village who promised you
someone to help when you came for your traditional
marriage in the village. You turned down the offer
then. Now is the time to call that aunt and tell her
that the housework will kill you soon. She will laugh
on the other end of the line and tell you not to worry.
You will remind her that you don’t want a boy o! Boys are hard to control. ‘I have heard,’ she will say and in one or two weeks you will receive your package of an awkward prepubescent girl.
Then there is the international connection- the Benin Republic kids. Someone has told you of these young kids from Benin Republic whose salary you will pay to a man who will claim to be their Uncle or cousin.
You do not need a person of legal age, an adult who
will one day kill you all in your sleep, run away with
your children or worse, snatch your husband from
you. Anyone who quotes the Child’s Right Act, and
calls employing anyone under the legal age, child
labour, God will give them paralysis of the mouth.
How else do they want you to get the house work
done?
When the young girl comes, first thing to do is to test her for hepatitis and other infections. You don’t want her bringing diseases into your healthy home. If you must, go to the second hand store and buy her two old dresses. If you don’t have boys quarters, clear out the store so she can sleep there. Otherwise get an old mattress that she will use somewhere in a corner of the living room.
You need to cut her hair. It is better. Both of you should not be struggling to groom your hair.
Anything a small comb can’t do must go. The more
unattractive she looks, the better for you and your
marriage. You can’t trust men these days. No one is
too young for them.
There is no need to waste money sending her to
school. It is not your fault that her parents can’t
afford to. In fact she should be grateful that you are
giving her a rare opportunity to come to the city and make some money. If she spends all her time at
school, when will she do the house work? But if you
absolutely have to, find a cheap school, maybe one
with evening classes she can attend. Something
simple that won’t confuse her about her station in
life.
Discipline: Very important. Sometimes screaming
degrading insults is not enough to put an ungrateful, sloppy house help in line. The phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” necessarily includes house helps.
Sometimes they get too comfortable. Sometimes
they are possessed. Only a healthy dose of flogging
can rid them of evil spirits or too much comfort.
Watch the food she eats. Especially the meat.
Nothing makes a house help grow wings like
sufficient pieces of meat. Meat has a way of creating a sense of entitlement in a person. You don’t want that to happen.
Don’t make the mistake of allowing the house help
have friends. Whether with the house help next door or with the one in the shop down the street or the one grinding tomatoes near the market. She did not come to your house to play and network. Next thing you know they will connive and do something evil to you.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there comes a time when you must let the house help go.
Instances include when you notice that she has
become a woman and is almost needing the same
bra size as you. Like I said before, men cannot be
trusted. They see breasts and they lose their minds.
You need to be proactive and protect your husband
from himself. Send her away and look for another
prepubescent one to take her place.
Do not go looking for answers where you have no
business looking. If the man who brought a girl from Benin Republic says he is her Uncle, then he is her Uncle. If he says he will hold her salary for her, then he will. The less you know the better.
Do these and God will, through your house help,
lighten your load, and bless your hustle.

yellowpawpaw: The writer just summarized what goes on in every 'madam's'head that has a househelp.insensitive creatures! Both the poor and rich madams,all want to have househelp.
I recently went to c a friend that put to bed.she was staying with d step mother as at d time of delivery.
Stepmom has 4 children.first child is 13yrs. She has a maid of 14yrs old living with her.said that maid was abandoned by her parents in the village and she was staying with her grannie so she took her for the past 7yrs to d city to help her
The maid ended at primary school. She is learning how to sow.But madam's children goes to school and madam is a teacher.
Asked why,madam said that maid' no sabi book'. Maid said she don't want to school again.she want to learn how to sow.
I asked my friend telling me this, if it were to be madam's child, will she accept that she stops school simply bc she isn't brainy?
Can't she try her best with her?Till today,no answer.
I answered my question,she is only but a maid.she should be grateful she is learning how to sow.
A born again christian woman. I reserve my comment.
Realities of life

yellowpawpaw: The writer just summarized what goes on in every 'madam's'head that has a househelp.insensitive creatures! Both the poor and rich madams,all want to have househelp.
I recently went to c a friend that put to bed.she was staying with d step mother as at d time of delivery.
Stepmom has 4 children.first child is 13yrs. She has a maid of 14yrs old living with her.said that maid was abandoned by her parents in the village and she was staying with her grannie so she took her for the past 7yrs to d city to help her
The maid ended at primary school. She is learning how to sow.But madam's children goes to school and madam is a teacher.
Asked why,madam said that maid' no sabi book'. Maid said she don't want to school again.she want to learn how to sow.
I asked my friend telling me this, if it were to be madam's child, will she accept that she stops school simply bc she isn't brainy?
Can't she try her best with her?Till today,no answer.
I answered my question,she is only but a maid.she should be grateful she is learning how to sow.
A born again christian woman. I reserve my comment.
Realities of life

bellong:

You know Jesus knew that people like this will be rampant in the world before saying "By their fruits, you shall know them..." We live in a generation full of religion and theology. They can quote from Genesis to Revelation offhand but their characters and attitudes are far from their profession. With their mouth, they love God but their hearts are far away from Him.

When you see someone who is truly redeemed, he/she needs not tell you his/her profession of faith. The fruits and actions will surely testify of who he is. I don't get carried away by people who attend church or are tongue-blasting, bible-quoting brother without fruits of the spirit to show for it.

@Topic,

I always like the satirical style of Elnathan since I first read one of his works titled "The Nigerian gods..." or something like that. He has a way of passing deep seated meanings from his writings to the audience.

yellowpawpaw: Yes u r right Mr bellong.
My good friend(a deeper life member) relocated from the north with a young gal of 20 and her family.
Till date pple thought the gal is her younger sis.the children call her aunty.I call her madam. She came from a very poor background and used to help her in her poultry biz.when she and her family want to relocate,she begged to follow. She has her own room. At times I used to yab my friend that her gal dresses better than her.my friend will say why not,that is how it should be,she is in d market,I'm not so I gat to kit her very well.
The gal is finding it hard copin with school work cos its a diff ball game entirely compared to where she came from but my friend is teaching and helping her.
The husband promised to train her in d uni.
I've know this woman for up to 2 yrs now and I will say she has not for one day opened her mouth to tell pple her gal is a maid. She said she can't do that cos she don't want pple to start looking down on the gal.She travelled to her place last xmas and the children were all crying.Bought a handset for her to be communicatin with her family.My friend has a retail shop.This gal come to d shop only on sat and during holidays.On sats so my friend can take care of the house.I've seen my friend asking the gal to lend her money(her own money!)
She said the gal can save money more than her.Infact,I can go on and on.She is just a practicing christian. God will bless her for that.
If others r like this,who will be complaining? I just pray that these pple end up in good hands if at all they r to live with somebody.

bellong:
To me, it is not having maid that is bad. It is the bad treatment meted out to them that is condemnable. There are people who practically raised their maids like their own children. That is what should be encouraged when having a maid.