Ok, first post. I'm trying out writing and looking for feedback on the quality and possible areas of improvement. I'll keep adding to the story in the comments section as often as I can. Read and tell me what you think.

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All my senses were alert. I sat there marveling at the truly stunning beauty standing not too far from the place I was seated. The sit-out wasn’t at full population so I had an unobstructed view of her. Her very curly black hair caressed her shoulders as it cascaded elegantly down her neck setting boundaries for the most gorgeous face I had ever seen. The dark hair contrasted perfectly with her very fair complexion. The scorching sun didn’t seem to affect her at all, and rather than turning red as most others with her complexion would, she seemed to have picked up a glow. I had been trapped in my own little world, writing down my thoughts when I heard her melodious voice. There was something very emollient about her voice.

As I looked up to behold the source, I was first struck by her eyes-deep, beautiful, innocent eyes which seemed to keep you entranced from the moment you caught sight of them. Her face was like an exceptional painting. All her features blended together seamlessly in a sight that was pure perfection. As her hair began to sway a bit in the gentle wind that had just picked up a bit of speed, she directed her gaze squarely on me. Eyeball to eyeball for what seemed like forever. Like Medusa from Greek mythology, I was practically turned into stone on eye contact, paralyzed, unable to even exhale. A hint of a smile formed on her lips as she looked at me for another second before turning to speak to her friend who was standing beside her. I continued staring as she and her friend walked gracefully to a nearby retailer to buy airtime. Despite my body’s protests, I eventually tore my eyes away from her and tried to get my mind back on the topic of my writing.

I had been sitting at that table for almost twenty minutes focused solely on the sheet of paper in front of me, trying with little success to form a captivating introduction to my piece. It was an open area with seats and tables scattered around in no particular order. Each table had three seats, and was covered with a pink and white checkered table cloth. I assumed the tables were placed there by the owner of the restaurant about ten metres away as some form of annex in case customers were too many for the building or preferred to seat outside. The smell of freshly mowed grass hung in the air. It was when I heard her voice that I looked up from that sheet for the first time since arriving at that table.

I glanced at my watch, ’4:24pm’ it read. The beauty and her friend were no longer in sight, so I returned to the paper in front of me. Just as I was beginning to concentrate and put my thoughts together logically, my nostrils were treated to a lovely cologne which smelled like strawberries with a slight whiff of some other fruit. Before, I could turn to see the source, two soft palms slid across my face from behind covering my eyes as I heard gentle laughter in the background. ‘Guess who?’ a female voice said from behind. ‘I hate guessing, wait, is that Nneka?’ I inquired. ‘No’, the voice said sounding a little disappointed, ‘It’s me, Chizzie’ the female said as she uncovered my eyes. I looked up to see the beautiful girl I was staring at earlier, standing in front of me as Chizzie strode from behind me to take her place at Perfection’s side. Apparently, Chizzie, a long-time acquaintance of mine who seemed to pop up whenever she was not wanted, was the friend of the beauty I was staring at so unabashedly earlier on. ‘Hmmm, Guy! who’s Nneka?’ Chizzie inquired with a slight hint of playful interest in her voice while her beautiful friend smiled. ‘Just a friend of mine’ I casually replied. ‘Okay o, I hope you guys are just friends o’ she said placing particular emphasis on the ‘just friends’ part as she and the beauty sat on the two empty seats at my table facing me.

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So, that's the first part. Do leave your feedback.

You're doing good bro

yemi2plus2: You're doing good bro

thanks. I'll get the next part up in a few hours time.

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‘You look more handsome than before, what’s your secret?’ she asked. ‘Secret ke?!’ I exclaimed, ‘I’ve always been a fly guy o’ I added. ‘It’s not true joor’ she said, laughing. I was not really interested in continuing the annoying repartee with Chizzie but I needed her to introduce the work of art sitting beside her so I continued to indulge. However, Chizzie, a loquacious girl with very little discernible perception prattled on, asking for my opinions on all manner of topics ranging from the expected-her massive weight loss and new shapely figure to the bizarre-Lady Gaga’s gender. After Chizzie had chattered away for what seemed like five eternities, her friend eventually spoke up. ‘So what were you writing before we interrupted you?’ She inquired with that soothing voice, as a slightly quizzical look formed in her deep eyes. ‘An article . . .’ I replied, ‘I’m a writer’ I added. ‘Are you serious?’ she asked excitedly as her face lit up with enthusiasm, ‘I love writers, do you write poetry too?’. I’m not the biggest fan of poetry but there was only one answer on my lips ‘Yes, I love poetry and I try to jot down poems as often as my time allows’.

Now she was really interested. We began to talk about literature and popular writers. I told her I didn’t like James Hadley Chase(there! I said it! sue me) and my heart skipped a beat when she said ‘Me too’. The more we talked the more we realized our interests seemed to coincide with uncanny precision. My best musicians were hers, her best movie was exactly mine-’Inception’, she liked John Grisham and loathed Steven King and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me(okay okay, she never exactly mentioned that last part).

From the corner of my eye, I could see Chizzie getting increasingly uncomfortable with being shut out of the conversation and I was a tad surprised she hadn’t found a way to butt in already. I turned to her and asked ‘So, how did you get to know . . .’ I stopped halfway and turned to the beauty smiling ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name’. She blushed, looked down at her fingers, seeming surprisingly reticent and muttered ‘Jessica’. Chizzie thought about it for a while before replying ‘A party . . . Mexy’s birthday party’. Mexy was a very good friend of ours, but I could not attend that party as I was stuck at my office that night doing some much needed book-keeping. ‘And you guys became friends immediately?’ I asked to neither of them in particular. ‘Yes, we did’ Jessica replied. ‘Interesting’ I said. ‘We’ve got to go now, it’s a pity we couldn’t stay longer’ Chizzie said as they both stood to leave.

I urgently wanted to say something to Jessica, anything at all, but as I opened my lips, I couldn’t form any words. ‘We’ll see later’ Chizzie said, ‘Yea, we will’ I said disappointedly. Just as I turned my gaze to the piece of paper in front of me, I heard Jessica ask ‘So, I’d love to continue this discussion some other time . . . we seem to have a lot in common’. My stomach fluttered back to life. It was as if she knew the words I was so desperately looking for. Before I could reply, she bent over, took my pen and wrote down her phone number on the sheet of paper in front of me. With a smile that would wake a dead man, a glint of mischief in her eyes, and while still bent over facing me, she whispered into my right ear, with her very sweet voice ‘Call me’ . She didn’t wait for a reply. She stood, turned and strode away. “What just happened?” I thought to myself. I looked down at the sheet of paper, eleven digits stared back at me. Excitement bubbled uncontrollably within me.

Then, my phone rang . . . it was Nneka . . . we exchanged pleasantries, caught up and talked for a short while before she asked me to come over. I stood up and rather than saving the number on my phone, tucked the sheet of paper into my pocket. I walked down to my parked car, switched it on and drove to Nneka’s house with the image of Jessica firmly stuck in my head. . .

Next Chapter

Please do leave your feedback. Don't just read and move on. I'd love to hear what you think I could improve upon. Thanks.

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Before I got to Nneka’s house, it was almost 8:30pm. Nneka’s house would normally be a fifteen-minute trek and about 3 minutes of a traffic-less drive from where I was. However, some truck had spoilt a few hours back and the general impatience of workers returning home meant crossing the spoilt truck was a herculean task. Nneka had already called twice asking about my whereabouts. She was getting impatient but I assured her that I would make the wait worth it. I honked the car horn two times before an exasperated Nneka opened the gate to let me in.

‘What took you so long?’ Nneka said with both a hint of worry and suspicion.

‘Nothing, dear . . . just some crazy traffic jam down the road’ I replied.

‘Are you ready for me?’ I asked.

‘Of course, I’ve been ready since I called you, come inside’ She said as a smile began to form on her pretty face.

Nneka was one of the nicest people I had met in my life. We met on a trip to a picnic that I was dragged to by Jeff, a friend who at the time, desperately wanted me to ‘get out of the house some more’. I wasn’t keen but there was nothing worth watching on TV that day and I was bored to death with the ‘Weeds’ series I was following at the time. I was still in the University back then and the picnic was an interdepartmental trip to a very popular mountain. The view was breathtaking, the air – serene and the intense smell of nature – simply exquisite. However, the passengers in the bus taking me there were the exact opposite. All the passengers except one. From the little interaction I had with a few of them before we took off, I could tell they were not people I really wanted to have discussions with. My phone battery had been dead for almost an hour, yet my ear piece was firmly stuck in my ear as a strategy to discourage potential ‘chat-ups’. The jokes they enjoyed were needlessly vulgar, in poor taste and mostly just ‘dry’. They spoke in unnecessarily loud tones and laughed odiously. I didn’t notice the dark, beautiful girl of average height who had blended in but who, as I later discovered, was similarly put off by the crowd’s weird sense of humour.

The tale continues. once more, please comment and tell me what you think. Seems like i'm writing and reading alone.
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Four people had to seat in each row, meaning we were going to be very tight at the back row which seemed significantly smaller than the other rows. I got in first, stuck my earpiece in, pressed play and turned the volume to the highest. In about twenty minutes, the battery was dead and I was then subjected to the bus’s ‘banter’ that I so despised.

‘You don’t want to be here, do you?’ The dark girl sitting beside me asked, a tad rhetorically.

I pretended not to hear her since supposedly, an ear piece was stuck in my ear playing music. She tapped my shoulder lightly and I turned to her and removed an ear piece while making a show of being impatient and ready to stick my ear piece back if what she said wasn’t worth my time.

With a charming smile and a lovable air of naiveté, she said;

‘I know your battery died a while back but you’ve been pretending to still enjoy your music and I know why’

I was impressed with both her confidence and the way she spoke, clearly enunciating every syllable of each word. I smiled and asked sarcastically;

‘So tell me, O dear psychic, tell me why . . .’

‘You’re an introvert’ she said, still smiling. ‘You’re too shy, you think I’m very beautiful, but you’re too shy to tell me so’ she added.

She was actually very beautiful but it was the way she said it that had me instantly charmed.

‘How could such a witty person be right beside me all through while I subjected myself to the inane ramblings of these ‘dullards’, I thought to myself.

‘So what’s your name?’ She asked, interrupting my thoughts

‘Bruce Wayne, but you can call me Batman’ I replied. She burst into laughter. After she had collected herself, she said;

‘You’re funny, I think this picnic will be more fun than I expected’. ‘I’m Nneka’ she added. I smiled, removed the ear piece that was still stuck in my other ear and turned back to her. I told her my real name and from that day, we grew to become really good friends.

Nice work waiting for update

Next Chapter. Once more, do well to leave your comments and thoughts.
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I held her hand as we walked into her self-contain apartment. A cool gust of breeze hit my face as I stepped in. It was a very neat and orderly apartment. Her bed sheet, curtains, rug and most other features of her room were the same shade of blue. The room had just one window beside the door and didn’t get enough air circulation. Nevertheless, she must have repaired her air conditioner recently as the contrast from the last time I visited was like that between day and night. The room was practically freezing.

‘Let me go change and freshen up a bit’ she said as she walked into her bathroom. ‘And don’t start without me’ she added with her trademark smile.

‘You know I won’t . . . at least, I hope I won’t', I replied.

I looked around the room and then, out of the blue(see what I did there), she was back in my head. Jessica. The fair goddess, the beauty, perfection. Her eyes-deep enough for you to swim in-, her shape-with curves that a French curve would struggle to replicate, her complexion. Jessica was all I could think about. I brought out the sheet of paper I stuck into my pocket earlier. Those eleven digits stared back at me as I began to drift into her world.

I heard the lock of the bathroom door click and quickly stuck my phone back in my pocket and the sheet of paper into my other pocket. I wasn’t quick enough.

‘What was that?’ she asked.

‘Nothing’ I instinctively replied, ‘Just a sheet of paper, dear’. I know I didn’t sound convincing and she knew.

Her eyes pierced me for the truth for a moment more. Eventually, seemingly satisfied, she said;

‘Okay, we can start now . . . ‘

‘Where would you like me to begin?’ I inquired with a smile.

‘Anywhere, dear. I’m very tired. Let’s do this quickly, though. I have to get to work early tomorrow’ she replied.

‘Cool’ I said as I walked toward her. . ..

Next Chapter. Once more, do well to leave your comments and thoughts.
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I walked past her, picked up the heavy Echolac box in the corner and carried it out of the room to my car.

Yes, she was moving out. Her current building, regardless of it’s nice location in the G.R.A was too far from her work place. She was spending too much money and time on transporting herself every day across the town.

No, she wasn’t moving into my house. She was moving to a new one-room apartment she had located some weeks earlier, very close to her office. I was there to help her pack and move smoothly. Our friendship was purely platonic but as much as possible, we tried to steer away from conversations about our relationships, as for whatever reason, it almost always led to awkward silences.

As I put the box in my car boot, I dug into my pocket to check the sheet of paper I had been looking at earlier. It wasn’t there. . .

‘Sh*t!!’ I exclaimed. She must have picked my pocket as I struggled to lift the box. I’m sure she wanted to see what it was that had me so uncharacteristically uncomfortable when she came out from the bathroom.

I rushed back to the room and slowed down just before getting to the door so she wouldn’t ask me why I was in a hurry. I now wish I had run all the way through.

I got into the room and nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next.

There on the floor, was the sheet of paper. Beside it, sprawled out, unmoving, was Nneka. Just lying there motionless.

‘Nneka!!!!!!!!’ I screamed

No reply . . . then blood started to flow from her mouth . . .

Great piece. keep it coming!

Following to the end

Next Chapter. Once more, do well to leave your comments and thoughts. I really appreciate you guys who are already following. thanks for the positive feedback too. And to silent readers, do well to comment. Enjoy ur day.

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Terror gripped me as goose pimples appeared all over my body and my heart rate accelerated exponentially. There on the floor was Nneka, normally vivacious but now just lying there, still as the sea with blood dripping down the side of her mouth.

Nneka!!!!!! I screamed again.

Still no reply, no twitch, no signal of recognition, whatsoever. I rushed to her unmoving body. Years of seeing movies dictated that the first thing to do in these situations was to check for a pulse. I immediately grabbed her right arm and tried to see if I’d spot the pulse. I couldn’t feel anything probably because I didn’t exactly know what to look out for and had no prior experience looking for one. My fear increased even further as I thought of what to do next. It then occurred to me that I should have paid more attention during those first aid classes we were given when we were much younger. . . ‘I would definitely have to go for one of such after this encounter’ I thought to myself. Once more, based on a solid background in watching movies, I decided that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was probably the best line of action but the blood was beginning to form a small pool on the floor beside her so I was a tad disheartened to try it. My brain was blank, I couldn’t think straight as I stood up to consider the next best line of action.

‘What on earth could have happened between me leaving the room and now that could have caused her to black out completely?’ I asked myself, as it occurred to me that pouring some water on her face might do the trick. I rushed into her bathroom to get the water I needed. I sped in, slipped on the wet floor, felt my head strike something dense, saw blackness gradually cover my eyes and passed out . . .

Next Chapter. Once more, do well to leave your comments and thoughts. I really appreciate you guys who are already following. thanks for the positive feedback too. And to silent readers, do well to comment. Have a nice day.

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After what seemed like forever, I opened my eyes to utter darkness as I immediately discovered that I was lying on cold, wet tiles. ‘Where on earth was I’?. Then, everything flooded back.

‘Oh my God!’ I muttered to myself as I struggled to get back to my feet.

The back of my head was throbbing painfully. I reached behind to feel if there was an open wound there. There was none, just excruciating pain. I looked at my watch in the darkness, the two glowing watch hands indicated the time was 10:12 pm. ‘Thank God’ I thought to myself, hoping it was still the same day. It was apparent that there had been a power outage sometime during my black-out as the formerly well-lighted bathroom was now as dark as a dungeon. I brought out my phone and switched on its torchlight as I groggily stumbled into the bedroom. Nneka was still on the floor but wasn’t bleeding anymore. The pool of blood beside her wasn’t much bigger than I remembered so I assumed she had not bled to death. I grabbed her petite body and lifted her onto my shoulders. I carried her to my car, opened the back door and laid her carefully on the seat. I ran to the gate, opened it then ran back to my car. I got into the driver’s side, stuck the key in and turned. The car sputtered a for bit then went off. I tried again and got the same reply. ‘What the hell is going on today?!!’ I cursed angrily.

I turned and turned the ignition but like a mule, the car stubbornly refused to start. By now, it was almost 10:30pm and everywhere was quiet. ‘Nneka isn’t going to die like this’ I said to myself while my ever logical side wondered if there was a better way to die. I ran to the next house and banged incessantly on the door while shouting ‘Help, it’s an emergency’. There was no reply. It was then I realized the room was locked from the outside and recalled Nneka mentioning her neighbour travelling during her call earlier in the day. It was G.R.A, so I was almost sure there were no taxis still moving around at that time yet I ran out to see if I could find any. The closest main road was a ten minute run from there and my head was still pounding. I was definite that I would faint if I even considered running that distance in my condition. After five fruitless minutes of waving at every passing car(which subsequently accelerated on seeing a supposedly mad man aggressively waving at them) while shouting for help, I brought out my phone and started scrolling furiously through the contacts. I tried the emergency numbers I was given at an office security briefing but they were all ‘unavailable at the moment’. I tried to remember friends who lived around that area who could come to my help as fast as possible. Mexy’s name popped in first. Right from our school days, I knew him to be a light sleeper so I was positive he’d wake up easily even if he had slept. I called him immediately and true to form, he picked on the first ring sounding as alive as ever.

Following thread, lets see how it goes....nice start by the way

This would probably pass as one of the most beautifully constructed piece and diction usage I have come across on nairaland. Nice plot and excellent story line you've got there, kudos.

Hmmmm nice pls continue

Next Chapter. Once more, do well to leave your comments and thoughts. I really appreciate you guys who are already following. thanks for the positive feedback too. And to silent readers, do well to comment. Have a nice day.

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'What’s up?’ He asked.

‘I need your help, man. Abeg, drive down to 23 Eligbam Close for G.R.A now, It’s an emergency, I need to take someone to the hospital’ I hurriedly said.

‘Sorry, man but I’m out of town. Work wahala o. Call Ayo na, he should be able to help’.

I hung up and dialed Ayo’s number but unfortunately, it was switched off. I continued to scroll through the numbers on my phone as I soldiered through the pain back to Nneka’s apartment. Then, it hit me. Chizzie lived very close to this place as well. I never really enjoyed her company but I was in no position to choose. I called her and she picked on the third ring. From her voice, it was apparent that she had been sleeping for a while.

‘Hey, what’s up? why are you calling so late?’ She asked calmly.

‘I’m sorry to disturb but I desperately need your help. A friend of mine needs to get to a hospital now and my car is messing up badly. Please, could you drive down to 23 Eligbam Close as soon as possible to come pick us up. Please, I really need you to’. I pled with her.

‘I’m really sleepy o, plus I took cough medicine earlier this night so I don’t think I can drive in this condition’ She said before adding;

‘But I’ll call someone to come there as -’ the other end of the line went dead off all of a sudden.

I looked at my phone and the screen was dark. I pressed a few buttons but nothing happened. The battery was dead.

scon-p:
Hmmmm nice pls continue

tobex_23: Following thread, lets see how it goes....nice start by the way

Yommex15: This would probably pass as one of the most beautifully constructed piece and diction usage I have come across on nairaland. Nice plot and excellent story line you've got there, kudos.

Thanks a lot to you all. I really appreciate the feedback. I'll endeavor to keep it up.

U good gan...toh badt......keppirup

Next Chapter. Once more, do well to leave your comments and thoughts. I really appreciate you guys who are already following. Thanks for the positive feedback too. And to silent readers, do well to comment. Have a nice day.

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‘SH*T!!!!!!!!’ I cursed angrily.’ What the f*ck did I do to get myself into all this?’ I pondered, as I stepped into the still open gate. I got to the car and Nneka’s lifeless body was in the same state I left it – it was still as still as death. I looked at my watch, it read 10:53pm. The pain coming from the back of my head was becoming more intense so I rested on the side of the car. Numerous memories of Nneka flooded my head – from the day we met to the day we drove seven hours to Osun for a mutual friend’s wedding. Nneka was certainly one of the few true friends I had. She was caring, intelligent and, as I told her so many times, ‘she understood me’. For so long, I thought about asking her out. The timing was never right and as we grew closer, such feelings gradually morphed into something else and I began to see her like a sister. Nevertheless, now ‘my sister’ lay in my car and for all I knew, she could already be dead. The word ‘dead’ lingered in my head. The closest person I had lost before now was my grandmother and I was still a kid then. My mum had told me my granny had gone to heaven and in my childish innocence, I actually thought she’d come back one day. Losing Nneka would tear a big hole in my heart. I was too sure of that.

As I rested my groggy head, I waited in more hope than anticipation that whoever Chizzie was sending would come while I was still conscious. Then I heard something, I raised my head to look at the source of the sound and I saw car headlights. I prayed the car would turn in and it did. As it turned in, the lights blinded me temporarily. As my eyes slowly adjusted to the light, I realized it was a small salon car. The car ground to a halt beside me and the driver’s and passenger’s doors popped open almost at the same time. Two figures emerged and ran over quickly to where I was. The pain and light had clouded my already overloaded senses and meant I couldn’t be certain who the two people were. However, from the little I could make out, it was clear the driver was male and the passenger female. I motioned the driver towards Nneka and he immediately started attempting to carry her out. The female figure ran straight to me and asked;

‘Are you okay?’

I recognized the voice instantly. It was unmistakable. It was the most soothing voice I had ever heard. It was the voice of Jessica.

jjagz: U good gan...toh badt......keppirup

Thanks a lot, will do.

nice one.the way u construct those words are kinda amazing.bring more on..............n

Nice storyline....what's next....

femmyadje: nice one.the way u construct those words are kinda amazing.bring more on..............n

Smhart1: Nice storyline....what's next....

I can't tell you how appreciative I am of your glowing praise and comments. I'll do my best to keep it up.

U av a gr8 story here...
Interestin,suspense intriguin n all
Kip it up

Candis009: U av a gr8 story here...
Interestin,suspense intriguin n all
Kip it up

Thanks, dear. I'll do my best

Nice Job bro,I love your style. Keep up the good work..

Nice story man,,thumbs up ....keep it blazing,,,,am feeling d vibe

Woow! Very good!
#grabs my seat#

Double post

Next Chapter. Once more, do well to leave your comments and thoughts. I really appreciate you guys who are already following. Thanks for the positive feedback too. And to silent readers, do well to comment. Have a nice day.

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What she said to me rang continuously in my head for the next few seconds. I have a fiancé. I could not understand it. It couldn’t be true. It was impossible. I glanced at my watch, it was just past seven pm. The serene, pleasant environment in the restaurant contrasted acutely with the discord that tore at the strings of my heart. I returned my gaze to her very beautiful eyes. Jessica looked even more stunning today. An awkward silence had blanketed us and she just stared at me . . . her eyes searching mine for a reply, any reply at all. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, though. . . Nothing about Jessica was uncomfortable. The eventful circumstances on the night of the day that I met her meant the bond we shared was as good as eternal. Since that night, she had been awarded a very special spot in my heart. No one, no action, nothing at all could cause her to lose that spot. Even this bomb of a revelation. As I carefully pondered the next words to say, my mind cast back to that night . . . the fateful night when Nneka’s life hung in the balance . . .

That night, I had finally begun to shiver when we pulled into the driveway at Helix Medical Centre. Before I could make a move, the tall, fair driver was already carrying Nneka out and hurrying her motionless body towards the emergency section, closely followed by a concerned-looking Jessica. I felt light-headed as I clambered out of the car to follow them into the hospital. I had narrated the bizarre tale to the two relative strangers who had come to my rescue as the driver sped towards the hospital. I glanced at Nneka and she looked peaceful . . a far cry from the emotions that were running through my mind as I, as best as I could in my condition, explained the events of the night. When I was done with my story, Jessica told me she was almost asleep when she heard Chizzie pick my call earlier . Apparently, she and the driver, who I discovered was her brother, had just come into town for a bit to see some of their friends and they were spending the night at Chizzie’s rather than at a hotel because Chizzie vehemently refused to allow them sleep anywhere else. Classic Chizzie , I thought, as the small salon car sped through the endless network of roads in GRA.

‘Immediately Chizzie told me about your situation, I woke my brother who was sleeping in the living room and with a basic description from Chizzie, we were able to find you’ Jessica had said.