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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego (1495344 Views)
akpos funniest joke, and more. / 24/7 Nigeria Jokes Update / Real Funny Nigeria Jokes (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Yeske2(m): 3:24am On Sep 13, 2013 |
njuwo: Ekaitte went to the store to buy a parrot 1 Like 4 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:07am On Sep 13, 2013 |
Dad: Uncle coming to collect the money i owed him. When he comes, tell him i have travelled to Benin. Akpors: Yes Dad Uncle:Where is your father? Akpors: He has travelled to Benin. Uncle: When is he coming back? Akpors: Wait, let me go and ask him? Boy: Dad, Uncle said when are you coming back? Dad: Tell him next week pa friday. Akpors ran back and said: Uncle, my dad said i should tell you that he wil be bak next week. Uncle: ok, go and tell him that if he comes bak next week, he should let me know. 12 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by SamuelKure(m): 12:38pm On Sep 13, 2013 |
4 men – a Mark, Bismark, George and Akpors were being interviewed for a top job. The President decided to carry a test, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job. The next morning, first up was Mark. “Here’s your question,” said the President “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” Without hesitation, he replied “A thought, because it takes no time at all.” “Very good answer,” said the President. Next up was the George, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. “A blink,” replied George “cos you don’t think about a blink. It’s a reflex.” “Good answer,” replied the president. Next was Bismark, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Bismark thought for a moment, “Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately.” “That’s a great answer,” replied the president. Finally, it was Akpors' turn. “What's the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Scratching his head Akpors replied: “Running Stomach, because last night after eating, I was lying on my bed when I got these stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, IT DROPPED. Be the judge who would u employ??4 men – a Mark, Bismark, George and Akpors were being interviewed for a top job. The President decided to carry a test, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job. The next morning, first up was Mark. “Here’s your question,” said the President “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” Without hesitation, he replied “A thought, because it takes no time at all.” “Very good answer,” said the President. Next up was the George, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. “A blink,” replied George “cos you don’t think about a blink. It’s a reflex.” “Good answer,” replied the president. Next was Bismark, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Bismark thought for a moment, “Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately.” “That’s a great answer,” replied the president. Finally, it was Akpors' turn. “What's the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Scratching his head Akpors replied: “Running Stomach, because last night after eating, I was lying on my bed when I got these stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, IT DROPPED. Be the judge who would u employ??4 men – a Mark, Bismark, George and Akpors were being interviewed for a top job. The President decided to carry a test, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job. The next morning, first up was Mark. “Here’s your question,” said the President “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” Without hesitation, he replied “A thought, because it takes no time at all.” “Very good answer,” said the President. Next up was the George, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. “A blink,” replied George “cos you don’t think about a blink. It’s a reflex.” “Good answer,” replied the president. Next was Bismark, “What’s the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Bismark thought for a moment, “Electricity, because you can flip a switch and 20 miles away a light will go on immediately.” “That’s a great answer,” replied the president. Finally, it was Akpors' turn. “What's the fastest thing in the world?” asked the president. Scratching his head Akpors replied: “Running Stomach, because last night after eating, I was lying on my bed when I got these stomach pains and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, IT DROPPED. Be the judge who would u employ?? 3 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by SamuelKure(m): 12:39pm On Sep 13, 2013 |
njuwo: 4 men – a Mark, Bismark, George and Akpors |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 6:01pm On Sep 13, 2013 |
I was coming home saturday evening after a hectic day and found a small bag on the ground. I opened it and behold what I found inside; $20,000 dollars!! Fear first catch me, but I took the bag home and when ...I emptied It, I found some Documents, ID card, ATM card and an Iphone. I thought about throwing the sim away and keep the phone and also dispose the documents and keep the money. After a long thought, I decided to leave things as they were, hoping that the owner would call. Not long after a call came through on the Iphone, I picked and talked with the caller. Apparently it was the owner of the bag coz he named absolutely every content of the bag. We met afterwards and i handed him the bag. he offered me $2,000 dollars but I turned it down , he collected my number and i left. Yesterday he called me and offered me a job at Chevron worth 750,000 Naira per month, a 3 bedroom flat fully furnished, and a 2012 BMW X6 As I was smiling and testing the car my brother just slapped me and said "Oya Oya Oya Ofego Wake up!! Food is ready!" 21 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by engroke(m): 8:18pm On Sep 14, 2013 |
njuwo: DIFFERENCE BTW A FOREIGN ADVICE AND Aseun dogo from magodo: END TIME TINZ, dancing skelewu and sipping shepe 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 12:27pm On Sep 15, 2013 |
Akpors has been dating and spending money on Ekaitte for long,he picked up her phone one day and got to know that his name has bin saved as MAGA 32,eehe!,see gobe,here is what he did o. He made a fake call,make sure she was hearing his voice from where she was.this was his conversation with his fake caller: Akpors:Hello baba,dat gurl u said i shuld be giving money,i don dey give am o,infact i don dey see result,the more she spend the money,the more i become rich,bt wen wil she die?ehn no problem,infact, i wan give am more money today. Ekaittejumps out from the kitchen) ehm,akpors,all d money wey u borrow me,i knw say na borrow u borrow me,abeg i wan return am all,abeg no vex 4 me,abeg i go even add put,jst calculate am make i know. 13 Likes 5 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:26am On Sep 16, 2013 |
This is one of the great difference of a Nigeria guy and an America dude using the ATM. Let's first take a look on how an american guy use the ATM in the mid- night! ........the america guy drives his car towards the ATM machine,and he gets down leaves his car keys on the ignition,picks up his ATM card gets down from his ride walks down to the ATM machine whistling (attracting more hears)then he inserthis ATM card into the machine and type the amount he wants to collect still whistling,then he widraw the money and walks to his car!counting the money as he walks!then he zoom off!!...... But when the nigeria guy wants to receive some money from the ATM at NIGHT,he drives towards the ATM machine,stops for a while,then he observe the people around,switch off his ignition!roll the glass up,and roll up his sleeves if he wears a shirt,lock his car and keep his key in the inner pocket then get down from the car! Tip-top to the ATM looking at his back,sides and even up!He looks around for 2 minutes and insert his ATM card into the machine,type the amount he wants to collect,then he looks back!after spending abound 20 minutes! He returns to the ATM about to receive the money he heard the sound of a car pass,he gets shocked,he retrieved his card and ran back to his car without fulfilling his mission and zoom off in fright. 7 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:38am On Sep 18, 2013 |
Teacher: "who is the minister of education?" Children: "Mrs Dame Patience Jonathan" Teacher: "who is CBN governor?" Children: "Aliko Dangote" Teacher; "who is the minister for information?". Children: "Mike Adenuga" Teacher; "who is the minister for sports. Children: "Stephen keshi". Teacher: "Correct! Teacher: "who composed the national anthem of Nigeria" Children: "wizkid" Teacher: "correct"what is 2+5? Children: "25" Teacher:- "correct" Teacher:- "what is the capital of Nigeria?" Children: "Abia-umuahia " Teacher:-"corre ct, Who is d president of nigeria?". Children. "General Muhammadu Buhari" Teacher. "Correct! Teacher: "Who stopped the killing of twins". Children: "Psquare" Teacher: "correct!who is the minister for women affairs" Children: "Genevieve Nnaji" Teacher. "Correct, Who is d governor of Anambra state? Children. "Baba Tunde Fashola" Teacher. "Correct!" Teacher:- "Good! Clap for yourselves... (children claps) Teacher: It's gonna Remain like that until government increases my salary!!! 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:41am On Sep 18, 2013 |
Teacher: Emeka,which country would you love to go when you grow up? Emeka: America. Teacher: Obi,what about you?. Obi: Australia. Teacher: And you?, david. David: kenya. Teacher: what about you,akpos?. Akpos: i would not love to go to anywhere. Teacher: hmm..Well,block heads dont go to anywhere because they have nothing in thier brain. Akpos: ma,can i ask you a question?. Teacher: yes. Akpos: when did you finish your youth service as a corper?. Teacher: since 2009. Akpos: then why are you still in nigeria,teachin g?. Why not find a better job.. Well,block head's dont get better job,they rather decide to teach people like them.. 3 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:05pm On Sep 18, 2013 |
An armed robber broke into a house and found a couple sitting at a table room. pointing the gun he said,," let me know the .names of my victims before i kill them.. WIFE: I am Martha ROBBER: oh holy shit! my mother's name Martha.. i cant kill Martha...(point ing the gun) and u?? HUSBAND: Am Joseph,,,but all my friends call me Martha i swear hit like if u smile 109 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:06am On Sep 19, 2013 |
OLD AND NEW TITLES Garden Boy : Landscape Executive Officer (LEO) *House Maid : House Upkeep Manager (HUM) *Receptionist : Office Access Control Manager (OACM) ... *Typist : Printed Document Handler (PDH) *Messenger : Business Communications Conveyer (BCC) *Window Cleaner : Transparent Wall Technician (TWT) *Temporary Teacher : Associate Tutor (AT) *Tea Boy : Refreshment Specialist (RS) *Garbage Collector : Public Sanitation Engineer (PSE) *Watchman : Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer (TPSO) *Thief : Wealth Distribution Expert (WDE) *Driver : Automobile Propulsion Specialist (APS) *Maid : Domestic Operations Specialist (DOS) *Employee without Portfolio : Administration Manager (AM) *Cook : Food Preparation Officer (FPO) Do Not Forget *Unemployed : Town Surveyor (TS) *Gossiper : Research Manager (RM) 21 Likes 5 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 6:05pm On Sep 19, 2013 |
After 24 years of marriage, a wife accuses her husband WIFE: Ever since we got married he has never uttered the words "I love you". JUDGE: Is this true? HUSBAND: Yes! Ever since I told her on our wedding day that I love her, I have not changed my mind. What should be the Judge's verdict? 8 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:01pm On Sep 19, 2013 |
Pls,I need 2 ask u somtin dat has kept me sleepless.It myt be awkward b/w us afta dis,bt i hv 2 knw hw u feel.I hv kept it in mind 4 a while now bt i tink it's finaly tym i straighten up & confront u,i jst hop dis doesnt ruin our frndship,i need 2 knw & i dnt knw any oda way i cld get ova dis.It jst doesnt seem fair on me if i dnt get an answer.I wnt u 2 tel me truthfuly no matter hw harsh it is,al i need is ur honest answer.Pls hw much is pure water in ur area 28 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:02am On Sep 20, 2013 |
HUSBAND: My wife where are you? WIFE: At home love. HUSBAND: Are you sure? WIFE: Yes. HUSBAND: Turn on the blender. WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye. Another day HUSBAND: My wife where are you? WIFE: At home love HUSBAND: Are you sure? WIFE: Yes HUSBAND: Turn on the blender WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him son where is your mother? SON: I don't know, she went out with the blender. 22 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:07am On Sep 20, 2013 |
A lady and Akpos were having drinks at the bar. Later that night the woman whispered to Akpos, "LET'S GO TO MY PLACE". So they left. At the woman's place they started kissing and undressing each other, then the lady whispered in the sexiest voice, "TIE ME ON THE BED AND DO WHAT U DO BEST" Akpos tied her on the bed and... and... ran away with her TV, Laptop, Blackberry, ipad and iphone. 10 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:01pm On Sep 20, 2013 |
Akpos was working on a crane, suddenly he slipped off. While falling, he held on to a branch and started yelling for help, but no one came. At the point of giving up he said 'God pls help me, i'll listen to u henceforth', then he heard a voice calling his name: God: Akpos! Akpos: Who is that? God: It's me, your Father Lord God. Akpos: Yes Lord, i know u'd help me. God: Whatever i say, u'll do? Akpos: Yes Lord. I'll do anything u say. God: Ok, let go off d branch! Akpos: Noo what did you just say? God: I said let go off d branch. Akpos: Abeg, carry ur own go. Any other person to help me? heeeeelp!!!! One word for Akpos?? 7 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:02pm On Sep 20, 2013 |
A newly wedded girl was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows: “My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family“, she said “Firstly, with my presence i would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don’t want you all to change your way of life, your routine.“ “What do you mean my child?” asked her Mother-In-Law. What i mean is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it. Those who cook shouldn’t stop on my account. Those who used to clean should continue cleaning. As for me, I am here just to control your son!. 9 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:58pm On Sep 20, 2013 |
Akpos: MTN people are eating our money too much. Girlfriend: Yes the stealing is too much. Akpos: I got an idea, instead of using phone, why don't we use a pigeon in sending messages like the old time, just tie your message to it's leg if you want to reply. Girlfriend: I like what is in your head. After an hour of waiting, Akpos' girlfriend saw the pigeon in the window, she checked it's leg's but nothing there, she sent it back, just a few minutes it comes back, she quickly grabs it but to her disapointment no message again, she sent it back. After some few minutes, she opened the window for the pigeon to come in, she checked it's legs but still no message. With much anger, she headed to Akpos' house and shouted "Akpos come here, you idiot, you said you will send message through this pigeon but why the three times it came to me, no message?. Akpos: You don't get it...It's 3 missed calls not message. 17 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:02pm On Sep 21, 2013 |
Why I got divorced.... Sad story of AKPOS !! Last week was my birthday.... My wife didn't wish me.... My parents forgot and so did my kids.... I went to work.. Even my colleagues didn't wish me.. As I entered my cabin my secretary said, "Happy Birthday Boss".. I felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch.... After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.... i felt she wanted sex , without hesitating i agreed WE went there.... She said, "Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute ?" "OKAY", I said.... She came out 5minutes later with a cake And My Wife, My Parents, My Kids, My Friends & My Colleagues.... All Screaming, SURPRISE.... And . . . . . I was waiting on the sofa naked.... 24 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by malachypepe: 3:35pm On Sep 21, 2013 |
Naija the only place where Where a man Happily meet a lady and when she goes back to her friends, their only question was "Is the guy loaded? Where a blind beggar will reject a fake naira note. Where Groundnuts are sold in Bottles & Waters sold in Satchets. Where You Can Be A Driver For Years Without A 'DRIVER's LICENCE' Where Presidents and other government officials don't know the national anthem. Where the Police on a road block makes more money a day than motorist and their owners. Where you are jailed for stealing Maggi and yam and others given a chieftancy title for stealing billions and Front row seat in churches. Where we fight for everything. To gain admission to university, to get a job and to enter a bus! 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:16pm On Sep 21, 2013 |
A husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor. His wife pulls him up and cleans everything. The Next day when he gets up, he expects her to be really angry with him… He prays that they would not have a fight.. to his surprise, he finds a note near the table that reads: “Honey, your breakfast is ready on the table, i had to leave early to buy groceries. I love you.” He asks his son about what happened last night, his son tells him: When mom pulled you to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt. You were dead drunk and you said… “Hey lady! Leave me alone… I’m married! 51 Likes 3 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:08pm On Sep 21, 2013 |
Akpos called his gf on phone upto 10times but his gf did not want to pick his call. So an idea flashed into akpos head,he boughta recharge card. Send it to his gf phone number,but he removed 2 digit number of the recharge card. When his gf saw the card,she was happy and copied it down then load it..and it was shownto her that the pin she is trying to load does not exist. She called akpos number. Gf: Helo honey,you forgot to put the last 2 digits when sending. Akpos: idiot! You also forgot to pick my call when i called you. 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:07pm On Sep 22, 2013 |
A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies! Newspapers report "LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM DOG" Man says i'm not American Report changed "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog" Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani Breaking News: "Terrorist killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl" 34 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:49pm On Sep 22, 2013 |
A man was about to check into the Sheraton hotel when he noticed a very beautiful woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs. After a very pleasurable three day stay, d man approached the front desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed a bill for N450,000. "There must be some mistake," d man said. "I've been here for only three days." "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month and a half." 10 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:54pm On Sep 22, 2013 |
A couple received a letter from their daughter who went to study modern physics overseas, the letter read: "My beloved Parents, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you'll find a bottle of potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: Please take only a drop" So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion. the man looked at the wife and says: "You go first." (typical of men!) So the wife takes a drop thereafter, the husband follows. Indeed the wife turn five years younger. Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and pretty, carrying a baby on her back. The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young. The daughter was delighted and asks after her dad. MOTHER: Your father? Hmm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was so young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle. DAUGHTER: What? So where is he? MOTHER: Hahaha, who do you think is the baby on my back? 20 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:10am On Sep 23, 2013 |
Boy: Do you have a boyfriend? Girl: Nope;I don't want to have a boyfriend. Boy: Gen. 2:18 The Lord God said,“It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Girl: But I don't love you. Boy: 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." Girl: And how do I know you mean those words? Boy: Matthew 12:34 "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Girl: But how can I be sure that you're loyal and honest? Boy: Mark 13:31 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." Girl: But why me? There are a lot of girls out there! Boy: Proverbs 31:29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Girl: But what is in me that you like? Boy: Song of Solomon 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Girl: But I'm not all that beautiful...you 're exaggerating. Boy: Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Girl: What happens if I say yes? Boy: Genesis 2:24 "Therefore man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Girl: How come you know the scriptures this much? Boy: Joshua 1:8 " This book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous and you will have good success." Girl: wooow, I can see u really love God. Boy: Psalm 34:8 "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. Girl: hmmmh! Ok please give me time to think about it. Boy: Philippians 4:8 "Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Girl: aw! I love you already Boy: Revelation 22:21 "Amen!" 9 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:06pm On Sep 23, 2013 |
Akpos and his friends are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, walks up to them, and points at Akpos, shouting,"Your mom's the best in sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but Akpos ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Akpos again, and says,"I just did your mom, and it was s----w----e---- - e----- t!" Again Akpos refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,"Your mom liked it!" Finally Akpos interrupts."Go home, Dad, you're drunk!" 15 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by nodawa(m): 4:11pm On Sep 23, 2013 |
Akakakakakakakakkakakakakakakkakaka laughing |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:48pm On Sep 23, 2013 |
I was in church one day when pastor said: "It's time to say hello to your neighbours, shake hands and lets get to know each other." I said hello to the person sitting to my left and to the one sitting to my right.. We introduced our selves and both said they were Egyptians. Preaching time came and pastor decided to preach from Exodus 14:13.. Telling us about how God saved the Israelites from Egyptians. My people, remember that there were Egyptians on my left and right. I was thinking to myself "How do these two Egyptians feel knowing that their people are the bad guys in this Bible verse" Well, I just sit-down my own je-je-je. The next thing oo!!, pastor shouted: "The Egyptians made the people of God to suffer for years!!!, I said they made them suffer!!!, Turn to your left and to your right!!! And tell your neighbour!!!, The Egyptians you see today!!!, You shall see no more!!!" My friend, if you were in my position will you say after the pastor? 15 Likes 1 Share |
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