on september 03, 2013 at 8:10 am in femi
aribisala
By Femi Aribisala
WITH only some 50 years of independent
national existence, Nigeria is a country reeking
with “new money.” The overwhelming
proportion of the millionaires and billionaires
in the country are “nouveau-riche;” they
became rich literally “overnight.” We are
talking of people whose wealth does not go
beyond a generation.
Indeed, the fantastic wealth of Nigerian
billionaires like Femi Otedola scarcely goes
beyond ten/fifteen years. Not only does
Nigeria’s wealthy few have a short history, they
often have a short future as well. The money
comes “miraculously” and goes just as
“miraculously.”
In my youth, S.B. Bakare was the celebrated
Nigerian tycoon. Highlife stars and juju
musicians eulogised him in their records. But
ask a young Nigerian today who S.B. Bakare is,
and I can bet my bottom dollar he has never
heard of him.
S.B. has fallen off the radar and so has his
wealth. It is not identifiable by any major
industry or enterprise. His descendants may
still be in litigation over the dregs of his estate,
but undoubtedly it is nothing to write home
about again. Certainly, nobody is singing about
S.B. Bakare today. There are now new
pretenders to his throne.
New dawn
Time was when wealthy Nigerians built
something, developed something, or made
something. At that time, the rich were truly
captains of industry. Alhaji Sanusi Dantata
made his fortune in the era of the groundnut
pyramids in the North; buying and shipping
them for export.
Sir Odumegwu Ojukwu had Nigeria’s largest
fleet of inter-city “mammy-wagons.” He also
imported “panla” (dried fish) on a large scale.
Sir Mobolaji Bank-Anthony had a tanker fleet
and a pioneering charter airline. Emmanuel
Akwiwu, hauled oil-rigs and supplies for British
Petroleum. Chief Timothy Adeola Odutola
produced bicycle tires for the growing army of
Nigerian bike-riders.
But thanks to oil, much of Nigerian wealth is
no longer the product of such ventures. Yes,
we have billionaires like Ibrahim Dasuki and
Mike Adenuga who can still be rightfully
described as highly enterprising. But even
more significantly, we have tycoons who came
into wealth through “wuru-wuru” and “mago-
mago.” These men are hardly Nigeria’s Bill
Gates.
On the contrary, they don’t have a clue what
to do with their dubious wealth, and they are
ignorant about wealth-creation. As such, they
add little of value to the Nigerian project.
Their praises may be sung today by their horde
of parasitical hangers-on, but they will not be
remembered for good when they are gone. As
mysteriously as their wealth materialised, so
will it vanish.
These men became rich through some of the
following tried and tested methods, which can
be relied upon to lead to one’s inclusion in the
Nigerian Book of Irrelevant Rich Men. If you
want to get rich quick, here is the Nigerian
blueprint. But please, don’t tell anyone I “wiki-
leaked” this highly-classified national secret to
you.
Rob a bank
This strategy has gone through some
transition. Bank-robbers used to be men of the
underworld who held banks hostage at
gunpoint and then made off with the cash.
However, it was soon recognised that this
approach has distinct disadvantages. You might
get arrested and jailed. Even worse, you might
get shot. It also became apparent that banks
carry limited amounts of cash.
Therefore, a successful bank robbery of this
violent kind might only land you perhaps 50
million naira tops, which is not even enough to
buy or build a house in Banana Island. There is
a better way to rob a bank with far limited
risk. Simply establish a bank.
When you establish a bank, you can rob the
bank every day without a gun. When people
deposit money in your bank, they don’t know
that they are handing over their life-savings to
a thief. You then rob the bank you establish in
a number of imaginative ways.
For example, you can lend money to your bank
and then charge it a very high interest-rate.
Better still, you can borrow billions from your
bank and simply forget to pay it back. Or, you
can use the money deposited in your bank to
buy houses and then rent them out as
branches to your bank at exorbitant prices. This approach is guaranteed to make you a few
billion naira until the EFCC policemen come
calling. When they do, you can quickly fall
sick, spend a few months in Deluxe Hospital
Hotel and then relocate to your village to enjoy
your wealth, never to be heard of again.
Join the PDP.
This one is a sure banker. As a member of the
greatest party in the history of Africa, you will
be given a credit-card to spend Nigeria’s oil
wealth. If you are not getting enough attention
in the party, make a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu
on the pages of the newspapers and call Buhari
an idiot.
Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should not only
run for re-election unopposed in 2015, there
should be a constitutional amendment to make
him a life-president. This is a tell-tale sign that
you are hungry; and the powers-that-be will
soon invite you to “come and chop.”
As a distinguished member of this great party,
the opportunities open for you to set yourself
up for life are considerable. For example, you
can start collecting billions for petroleum
subsidy and simply not import any petrol
whatsoever. You can get the government to
change all car license-plates nationwide; and
then become the sole supplier of the new
license-plates.
You can ask the president to make you the sole
importer and distributor of diesel for the
entire country. Of course, this might also
entail that you become the chairman of his re-
election campaign, to which you duly make a
handsome contribution. Alternatively, you can
ask to be chairman of the Nigerian Ports
Authority.
Nobody will bat an eyelid when, within a
matter of months, you have a fleet of cars,
have two or three houses in Asokoro, and own
four hotels in Dubai.
You may even kick out your wife and marry a
fourteen-year-old “Suzie” befitting your new
status. You have arrived as one of Nigeria’s
celebrated rich men. But keep your eyes on
the ball. Don’t get distracted or carried away.
The enemies of Mr. President must always
remain your enemies.
Start a mega-church
This one is pure genius. Peradventure you lose
your job or fall on hard times. Don’t go into
depression. Just start a church. Make it a
purpose-built church. Think of something that
men need. Tell them you have the anointing to
provide it. Tell them whoever wants to be a
billionaire should come to your church. Start a
few of your messages with “Thus says the
Lord.” Then teach your congregation the
everlasting principles of sowing and reaping.
Make sure they understand that if they really
want God to bless them financially, they first
have to give you as much money as possible.
Create a special prayer group for millionaires
and billionaires. That way, if they get any new
government contract they will attribute it to
the efficacy of your prayers and credit
something big into your bank account. Tell
everybody to give you their “first-fruits.”
That is a code word for their entire January
salaries. Then come up with imaginative
offerings to collect, such as “prophet’s
offering,” (you, of course, being the prophet);
“Father, Son and Holy Ghost offerings;” “Jesus
will do it offering.”
Very soon, you will be flying your own private
jet to preach your gospel in Ilesha; you will be
wearing white Armani suits and jerry-curling
your hair; you will be collecting gate-fees for
new years’ eve services; billionaire thieves and
robbers will be queuing up to see your private-
secretary on the Lagos-Ibadan expressway. In
short, you will be living large. For good
measure, you will also be slapping demons out
of poor bewitched damsels with impunity.
Become a mule
There is high demand for this job. There are
many politicians and men of timber and
caliber looking for mules; men who can keep
stolen money for them, or smuggle it to safe
havens abroad. This is a highly lucrative job
because for every ten billion naira you
smuggle, you can pocket one billion. Don’t get
greedy and come to the conclusion that you
can make off with the entire loot.
That is a sure way to have assassins on your
tail. Before they kill you, they will first break
your legs. If you are caught while smuggling
money abroad, you can easily escape and come
back home dressed as a woman. Then you can
get a national merit award.
If you are a mule for a president or a
governor, you are set up for life. You will get
24 hours military protection so that no petty
thief can come near you. You will get to travel
all over the world. You will get free medical
check-ups, so that you don’t just fall down one
day and die.
That would be disastrous, especially if your
sponsor does not know exactly where you kept
his loot, or if he does not have the password
to the secret account you opened for it in the
Bahamas in the name of Ali Baba.
Obituary
I remember the story of a former Nigerian
Head of State who allegedly kept a billion
dollars with a mule. Then the mule had a
stroke. Every effort was made to get him to say
just a few words, namely the number of the
account where the loot was stashed; but to no
avail.
After a few months, the man died. This
“national” calamity has prompted the review of
the conditions of service of mules. There are
now two new, strictly prohibited, clauses.
Mules must not have strokes, and under no
circumstances should a mule presume to die.
If he does, his generations yet unborn will
suffer for it.
(P.S./N.B. If you have perfected other
Nigerian approaches to quick wealth than
these, don’t hesitate to let me know. I
promise to keep the matter strictly
confidential.)

I won't waste ma tym reading ol the crap cox thr is no way one will become a Millionaire overnight talk less of a Billionaire Except iv u wanna Bcome a Arm Robber. God forbid