“Every relationship needs an argument every now and
then. Just to prove that it is strong enough to survive.
Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all
about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
―Nicholas Sparks
At some point we all get involved in a serious relationship,
be it falling in love with a significant other, or simply
establishing an amazingly close friendship. As soon as
this relationship is in place, both parties must do their
part to nurture it. When they fail to do so, solidarity is
gradually replaced with suffering.
Although I sincerely hope your closest relationships are
not suffering, if you have found yourself in this kind of
predicament (as we all do sometimes), chances are the
problem can be traced back to one or a few causes. If your
relationships are all rainbows and butterflies right now,
consider yourself lucky – this list will simply provide some
good food for thought.
1. Presumed expectations about how someone “should
be.”
You don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re
perfect, you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact
that they are not. “Perfection” is a deadly fantasy –
something none of us will ever be. So beware of your
tendency to “fix” someone when they’re NOT broken.
They are perfectly imperfect, just the way they should be.
Truthfully, the less you expect from someone you care
about, the happier your relationship with them will be. No
one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them
to, ever. They are not YOU – they will not love, give,
understand or respond like you do.
The biggest disappointments in life and in relationships
are the result of misplaced expectations. Tempering
unrealistic expectations of how something or someone
“should be” will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration
and suffering. (I’ve written about this extensively in the
“Relationships” chapter of “ 1,000 Little Things Happy,
Successful People Do Differently.”)
2. Searching for the missing pieces of YOU in someone
else.
When we’re feeling incomplete, we tend to go out looking
for somebody else to complete us. Initially we meet
someone who’s compatible with us and they distract us
from our deficiency, at least for a while. Then a few
months or years into the relationship, we find that we’re
still feeling incomplete, so we blame our friend or lover. It
feels like they’ve changed, but in reality they haven’t;
they’ve just become less of a distraction to our own
growing, inner void.
Ultimately what you need to realize is that while a close
friend or lover can add beautiful dimensions to your life,
YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment. Only you can
complete yourself. Nobody else can provide your missing
pieces, and to believe otherwise is to succumb to a
lifetime of feeling broken, as every relationship you enter
eventually ends in hopeless disappointment.
3. Poor communication.
Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about
your friend or lover. Why aren’t you saying something?
Are you afraid they’ll get upset? Maybe they will and
maybe they won’t. Either way you need to deal with it
upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it
worsens, festers and explodes out of you.
Great communication is the cornerstone of a great
relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out
rather than let the resentment grow. If you’re feeling
jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest
manner to address your insecurities. If you have
expectations of your friend or lover, you must
communicate them clearly. If there are any problems
whatsoever, you must get them out of your head and into
the open so they can be worked out.
Information is the grease that keeps the engine of
communication running. Always give the important
people in your life the information they need to
understand you. And communicate more than just
problems – communicate the good things too. Share what
you love about your friend or lover. Share what is going
on in your mind and heart. Share your deepest thoughts,
needs, wishes, hopes and dreams. (Read The 5 Love
Languages .)
4. Little lies that add up.
Anything is better than lies. They are like a cancer in the
heart and soul. They eat away what is good and leave only
decay and devastation behind. If you spend your life
learning to lie to the people around you, not only will you
hurt and deceive them, you will also hurt and deceive
yourself – you will forget your own truth.
There is perhaps no phenomenon that is more destructive
to a relationship than dishonesty, which permits envy,
hate and deception to be acted out under the guise of love
and virtue. Even the smallest, seemingly innocent lies
eventually snowball into larger issues. Stand by the whole
truth – your truth – always. If you say you’re going to do
something, DO IT! If you say you’re going to be
somewhere, BE THERE! If you say you feel something,
MEAN IT! If you can’t, won’t and don’t, then DON’T LIE.
It’s always better to tell the whole truth up front. Don’t
play games with the minds and hearts of others. Don’t tell
half-truths and expect your friends or lover to trust you
when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better
than lies.
Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt. Lying,
cheating and messing with people’s feelings and emotions
hurts. Honesty is the healing remedy.
5. Lack of presence.
Presence is complete awareness, or paying full attention
to “the now.” If you do not find at least some amount of
presence in the moments you share with those you care
about, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, or
otherwise connect with them on a meaningful level.
Presence is looking inward and learning how to be with
yourself, in the moment, see the gears turning, embrace
what’s in your immediate vicinity, and thereby put space
around destructive thoughts of other times and places, as
you apply your full energy to the “here and now.” The
idea is that you must first attend to the reality of the
moment before you can effectively contribute anything
positive to it.
Simply being completely present with someone else is
difficult because it requires you to share yourself
completely, vulnerabilities and all, and enter a moment of
unguarded honesty with this person.
To cultivate your presence, all you need to do is sit quietly
for as long as you desire and put your full attention on
your breath – thinking only of what each inhale and exhale
feels like. Don’t judge or resist your inner-workings.
Simply accept and breathe. Practice this a few times a
day, and it will start to feel more natural. This way, when
you are in the thick of a deep conversation with a friend or
partner, you can access that presence and listen without
judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, and learn to
fully connect and compromise.
Bottom line: Be Present. Give the people you care about
your full attention. Let them see they’re own beauty in
your eyes. Let them find their own voice through your
listening ears. Help them discover their own greatness in
your presence. (Read The Power of Now .)
6. Some relationships aren’t meant to last.
There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your
life in the long-term no matter how much you want them
to. They pass through your life in a shorter time frame
than you had hoped to teach you things they never could
have taught you if they stayed.
So many people think friends or lovers have to be the
perfect fit, because that’s what everyone tells you to want
– that’s the Hollywood love story. Of course, it’s nice when
relationships stay healthy and last, but that doesn’t mean
your failed relationships aren’t equally as important.
Some people you engage with will be like a mirror – people
who show you things that are holding you back, people
who show you the ways that don’t work, people who bring
your insecurities and misjudgments to your own attention
so you can change your life.
It’ these people – the ones who come into your life for a
short time and teach you a priceless lesson – that are
some of the most important people you will ever meet,
because they tear down your walls and smack you until
you’re wide awake.
Do you want to live with these people in your life forever?
No way – that would be way too painful! They come into
your life to shake you up, tear apart your ego, flip your
perspective, show you your obstacles, break your heart
and mind open so new rays of light can shine in, just to
reveal another layer of YOU to yourself, and then they
move on like they’re supposed to.
Take their lessons as gifts and be sure you move on too.
Your turn…