Golf Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course,
lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any
windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shacked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to
grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last
one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and
said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?, That's amazing

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.

The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.

When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.

She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.

Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't.

After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.

He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.

He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're
finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm
pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

Harry was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2 Star Restaurant. Every day for lunch, Harry would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen.

One day, the restaurant sent Harry an invoice. Harry went to see the manager to ask why.

The manager replied, "You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it."

Harry refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.

They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."

The judge then asked Harry, "And what do you have to say about that?"

Harry said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning of that?"

Harry replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

A Rope and Two Knots
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Healing the Sick

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

The Goodnight Kiss


One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little Hot.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a Mouth Action?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (Hot as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you, "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a Mouth Action. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom, "

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that
morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant
and
say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't
even
say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday."

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I
started
to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good
morning,boss
and "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better; someone had
remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You
know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday; let's go to
lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the gr eatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's
go."
We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a
little
private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On
the
way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment
she
said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
slip
into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and
dozens of
our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat, on the couch,

, naked

Who's This Guy
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

@jay bee

lol, that was so bad to happen to u.

mykali:

@jay bee

lol, that was so bad to happen to u.

didn't happen to me.
Post was forwarded to me @ work so thought i'd share it with my fellow nlanders.

@jay bee

i already knew that. i just had to pull ur legs a lil


How Many Women
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13, "

mykali:

"And he still believes in genies?, That's amazing

hahahahhahhhahahahahahhahahahaa
my ribsss ooooo i can stop laughing

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

lmao chaii

"And he still believes in genies?, That's amazing
thats very brave. its nt good to be a money freak

bro, ur jokes are really hilarious, keep them coming.

~Was A Great Laff reading Your posts,am still LOL on grandma's "heal the sick not raise the dead" , "paying for the food with the sound of coins" N the 35 yr old who still believes in Genie!!

Read this last night, I could not stop cracking up

And he still believes in genies?That's amazing

hahahhaa. . oh gawwwd!

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

rotflmao!! Imagine the guy's reaction!!!

I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.

hahahhahaha

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Ouch!!! Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn!

Good Job poster!

Dude!
These cracks are freakin hilarious!!
keep 'em coming,

thanx guyz

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who
were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on
all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
such that going into the final they had a
solid A. These two friends were so confident
going into the final that the weekend before
finals week (even though the Chemistry final was
on Monday), they decided to go up to Uvirginia
and party with some friends up there. So they did
this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything,
they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather
than taking the final then, what they did was to
find Professor Bonk after the final and explain
to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UV for the
weekend, and had planned to come back in time to
study, but that they had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get
help for a long time and so were late getting
back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they
could make up the final on the following day. The
two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next
day at the time that Bonk had told them. He
placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They
looked at the first problem, which was something
simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points.

"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy."
They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw
on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

You tried sha
Ok you do well

oge, thx. can i get to know u?

men! the first joke is soooooooooo funyy

the 50 inch d1ck


A man with a 50 inch long d1ck goes to his doctor
to complain that he is unable to get any women to
have sex with him. They all tell me that my d1ck
is too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is
there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor
replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can
do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to
help you." So the doctor gives him directions to
the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays
his story.

"Witch, my d1ck is 50 inches long and I can't get
any women to have sex with me. Can you help me
shorten it?" The witch asked him to "Pull it out
and let me look at it." The man uncoils his 50
inch rod. The witch stares in amazement,
scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I
have a solution to your problem. What you have to
do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the
pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can
help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the
frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog
declines your proposal, your d1ck will be ten
inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he
dashed off into the forest.

He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat
this frog on a log. He called out to the frog,
"will you marry me?" The frog looked at him
dejectedly and replied, "NO".

The man looked down and suddenly his d1ck was 10
inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud,
"This is great!! But it's still too long at 40
inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and
screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch
in his d1ck, looked down, and it was another 10
inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked
down at his d1ck again, 30 inches long, and
reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a
monster, just a little less would be ideal. So,
I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled
out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its
head, "NO!, NO, and for the last time,
No"!!!

A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about
a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"

The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."

The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold." So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her
boss, also a blonde, asks, "What is that shiny
object?"

She replies "It's a thermos."

He asks, "What does it do?"

She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold."

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a 20inch cucumber," she
replies.

A man goes to the pet store and buys an expensive
talking parrot. At home, he finds this parrot
swears like a sailor.

A conservative church going man, this bird's foul
mouth was driving him crazy.

One day, it was too much, so the man grabbed the
bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and
yelled, "Stop your filthy talk!"

This just made the bird mad and he swore more than
ever.

The man was furious and said,"OK, that's it!
You're getting punished for this!" and locked poor
bird in a dark cabinet.

This aggravated the bird to no end and he clawed
and scratched until the man finally let him out.
The bird proceeded to curse the man with a
dreadful stream of invectives.

At that point the poor man was so mad he threw the
bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds
there was a terrible din. The bird kicked and
clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly got VERY
QUIET!

He started to think that the bird may have been
hurt. After a few of minutes of silence, he's
became so worried that he opened up the freezer
door.

The bird calmly climbed onto the man's out-
stretched arm and says, "I'm so sorry about the
trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve
my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the
transformation that had come over the parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the
chicken do?"

Y . . .up?

what`s up with u

i have a funny joke to post. i'll be back in ten seconds. . . .

ok but e be lyk say u no sabi ow long 10secs be