Nashville: the first thing you should look for is financial independence. A woman should be able to decide her career as long as it is not detrimental to the growth of the family. No man should tell you not to work. Dont accept it, the risks are just too high. Also do not keep it, tell your parents, family, his family, pastor, report to everyone quickly befoer he gets used to it. .

Well said

Single women actually get discriminated against by landlords . My job involves me changing locations and I usually get asked " how is your husband or fiancee" when looking for an apartment but I have learnt to look the landlords right in the eye and say I don't have one and I don't plan on getting one soon. A lot of people remain in abusive relationships because of what people will say or if I leave this one am I sure a better one will come . I have been in a relationship where I would be told stuff like " you know u are old , if I don't marry you no one else will" and do quick and let's marry so you can have kids because at this rate you may not have kids" I am in my mid - thirties and initially I must confess I was scared but I walked out of that relationship despite being told by all and sundry to " manage " him. I would honestly rather be single and happy than married and miserable.I have learnt to close my ears to what the society at large says because at the end of the day you will be left with whatever choices you have made and if you make the wrong ones the same soceity will not hesitate to mock you

babyosisi:
It is the duty of a woman in marriage to wisely set a boundary and create some independence for herself

And it is not easy to obtain ,the man will resist it and term it " open eye" and non submissiveness etc
But you are just trying to be allowed to be your own person within the marriage and there is nothing wrong in it.

That is why I insist every married woman should have a job and earn her own money
There is some level of respect when he knows you can take care of yourself and are pulling your weight .

[/b]

I agree with you TOTALLY!
I'm single but in courtship for close to 2 yrs now! This kind of advice is best given to the unmarried cuz they can always make amends. I used 2 think I was wrong 4 thinking this way but now I'm justified. What better time to let him know how I feel than now-in courtship. If he can't take it then its 2 bad!
On d topic, yes I have been in an abusive relationship. It lasted for seven years. I was abused in all manners except physically, on the seventh year he beat me mercilessly. I was bleeding from my nose & my blouse was torn but I ran out of the flat to my neighbours & told them that he had run mad-which I really believed at d time-but of course, he wasn't. We lived alone @ d time & our neighbours thought it was something our families were aware of. They followed me back & begged him on behalf, I insisted on leaving all d same but he started begging too. The truth is I had nowhere to go cuz my family thought I was in university, unknown 2 them that I was trapped by this man, so I stayed there that night. He begged me all through dat night. The following morning, he went out (he was jobless,but always left the house all dressed up during working hours so people would think he had a job. We lived on the funds my family sent 2 me 4 my studies, e.g school fees, project money, etc) So, that morning, he asked a neighbour to go to d market & buy things for me to cook. While I was alone waiting for d cooking materials, I started thinking of so many things and asking myself so many questions, before I knew it, I had packed all my necessary items into a bag, as I was about leaving d neighbour returned, but GOD-being-so-good I didn't hesitate. I lied 2 him that someone from church had called me & asked me to bring d bag urgently. That was how I escaped. I literally carried d bag on my head till I got to d local interstate garage & left d state. It didn't end there but dat was my major breakthrough. Few years after, I have picked up d pieces of my life & I'm heading 2 a better place. I have never discussed it publicly except to my new bf & briefly to my family, they were heartbroken but it was a phase & I have overcome it today!
I have drawn so much strength from dis thread dat I had 2 share my experience.
Loving urself first is d key!

^^^ wow.... thanks for sharing your experience

May you find the succour and peace of mind you deserve


dressed up to impress and yet a shlob... faworaja,..

francafrank: The best way to avoid being abused is to set your goals clearly at the beginning of the relationship. If he slaps you the first time and you just whine and do not enforce your displeasure, he will surely do it over and over again.

Thank you ma! GOD Bless U!

pickabeau1: ^^^ wow.... thanks for sharing your experience

May you find the succour and peace of mind you deserve


dressed up to impress and yet a shlob... faworaja,..

Thank u! GOD Bless U!

@Lashawn,
if talking or writing about your past here helps you feel any better, pls continue, if u keep bottling it up, it'll only get worse. I went through your other thread & I can see tht u hav been through alot. U have 2 keep trying to overcome ur past & never ever give up. Nobody can really help u like u can help urself cuz no one really knows where it hurts! If I tell u in detail, what I've been through u wouldn't believe it but d most important thing is how did I overcome it? How do u want 2 overcome ur past? Don't be discouraged, its ur war & u need to fight it to survive. I hope u'll understand

I feel pain for the pple in here. Nigeria and africa at large have lost its real sense of being. The modern world as they call it has spoiled everything. what happened to our tradition and culture? we now think and live like the white man. what happened to the uniqueness in being different? in having a different way of life from other pple? why do women of nowadays disrespectful, stubborn and wicked to their husband in the name of civlization? No doubt our forefathers will be turning in their graves for the lost of our traditions and culture. i SMH for u pple. you`re a lost bunch. I don`t support wife or human beaters and i don`t read books that will teach me how to enslave my wife. i read books that makes marriage work and be blissful. i give u a little idea of the book not everything about it, and you all jumping on my neck. This thread is about abused wieves and gfs, and they are here for solutions. so we all are suppose to give suggestions on how they can solve their problems from their own angle since their spouse are not here. but u keep on talking about their spouse over and over again. How will that solve their problem.

I feel pain for the pple in here. Nigeria and africa at large have lost its real sense of being. The modern world as they call it has spoiled everything. what happened to our tradition and culture? we now think and live like the white man. what happened to the uniqueness in being different? in having a different way of life from other pple? why do women of nowadays disrespectful, stubborn and wicked to their husband in the name of civlization? No doubt our forefathers will be turning in their graves for the lost of our traditions and culture. i SMH for u pple. you`re a lost bunch. I don`t support wife or human beaters and i don`t read books that will teach me how to enslave my wife. i read books that makes marriage work and be blissful. i give u a little idea of the book not everything about it, and you all jumping on my neck. This thread is about abused wieves and gfs, and they are here for solutions. so we all are suppose to give suggestions on how they can solve their problems from their own angle since their spouse are not here. but u keep on talking about their spouse over and over again. How will that solve their problem.

Can someone remove this eediot from this thread please

Whoever says all abusers show such traits during courtship, sure doesn't know how pretentious some guys can be.

Still Following.......
Walking away and abandoning ones husband is sometimes not the best solution. What happens to both parties being patient and trying to make it work?

@francafranc please tell us more on how to make it work in the heat of the fire.
Reading some of these post is not encouraging at all to some of us singles.

Judii..


Thanks for sharing..you will enjoy not endure your marriage......please dont give up yet.....my humble opinion... it may help

- take a time out and review your relationship

- take note of strengths and weaknesses of both of you

- think of any consistent feedbacks your man may have been giving that it may seem you may not have taken heed to

- think of any circumstances that may have occured that may have led to this behavior- financial, work or health etc

- Try a sitdown with your man telling him how you feel when he says hurtful words(I dont want to believe it will be a consequence of a deliberate breakdown of his wife's psyche; if it is deliberate then that is abuse n really terrible)

- you may need to take a small break or weekend off family n work,

- talk... give feedback also lovingly on how you want him to be expressing himself both good n bad to you

- a small action point will be helpful that BOTH of you will follow when issues arise

Lets hope this helps




- I hope you also have a means of income and dont forget the place of God in the home.

it is well....

theLORDreigns:

Thank you ma! GOD Bless U!

Am so happy you picked ur life back together. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you

judii: Whoever says all abusers show such traits during courtship, sure doesn't know how pretentious some guys can be. I was once in a relationship with an emotional abuser who could call 2talk with me all day, not minding the amount he spent on call credit just 2 monitor me. He would ask where I was, whom I was with , what was talking on the background and so many other silly questions. The guy was too emotionally dependent and I knew immediately I was in trouble and started planning a way out as I didn't see myself surviving in that relationship. It was so bad that when I saw his call, instead of being happy, I became scared of the questions he was going 2 ask. I had everything planned out and I became very stobborn and I told him without mincing word that it was over between us but he thought I was joking. That was how it ended from my side. I am married now 2 a different guy who is a verbal abuser. While we courted, he never one day exhibited that trait. The first time he cut a call on me was months after marriage. Right now, I feel trapped because if I had seen any of these b4 marriage, would have taken 2 my heels but I'm in it now with a kid and even though I want 2 leave, his family has been begging me. I don't want 2 wait until it gets physical as all these abuses are inter-related. Though I doubt he would ever do it again because the last time he tried it, I gave him the warning of his life and he was shocked. I just feel I was deceived into marriage because he was so nice during courtship. My self esteem is too high 2 continue 2 take insults all in the name of being a 'Mrs'

Thank you for your last statement....it's not a must to be a MRS or remain a MRS

Chillisauce:
Am so happy you picked ur life back together. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you

thanks

nne3870: Still Following.......
Walking away and abandoning ones husband is sometimes not the best solution. What happened to both parties being patient and trying to make it work?

@francafranc please tell us more on how to make it work in the heat of the fire.
Reading some of these post is not encouraging at all to some of us singles.

How to make it work in the heat of fire is by RUNNING AWAY FROM THE FIRE. Since you don't have the means ( energy) to quench the fire.
My dear, life is very precious. Love yourself. If you really love yourself then you know what you can tolerate.

babyosisi: Can someone remove this eediot from this thread please

jennykadry:

You are the most senseless and irrational mother I have ever seen on nairaland, ewu. So if I was your daughter and I come home telling you that I had a misunderstanding with my husband all you can tell me is leave? Or may be divorce? What happens to making it work?
No sensible man will just wake up and start beating his wife, won't you try to atleast know the reason why he is behaving like that? What if your daughter actually needs to work on herself? It takes time to build a good home free of abuse madam itibolibo.
Read my post again and this time carefully. BTw don't quote me next time if you dnt have any reasonable thing to say, if you notice I did not ask for you opinion, I asked madam francafrank who I believe is not a st.upid mother.

Nobody gets married and hopes to be single again, but sometimes people change. Nobody is perfect even in relationships you learn to adjust, likewise marriage.
I'm not in support of any form of abuse in marriage, I dnt pray to meet one either but all I am saying is divorce is not the answer.
It has nothing to do with low self esteem, most times involve families into the issue. Let them know what is happening instead of keeping quiet and pretending that all is well. Go home to your parents, stay for a while while you work things out with your spouse.
I don't know why madam chaircover is not here to share her views sef..... Chaircover where are you?

@ Pickabeau1, thanks a lot. I am not one 2 give up easily. Most times, I get confused when the insults start coming because the issues are usually very petty things. I have a job(even before I married) so I'm not in any way totally dependent on him financially, infact there were times I even had 2 step in 4 him financially which I don't nag about. I married a man that grew up in a very large house and I later got 2 know through his siblings that abuse was no big deal. I'm finding it a very big deal because my upbringing was different. The painful part is that he doesn't see any thing wrong with what he's doing @ all. I have sat him down 2beg him 2 please stop d abusive words and still, no improvement. Right now I'm @ my parents' because I believe the earlier I handle this, the bettr 4 me before it gets physical. I do pray a lot about it as he's now completely different from the same man I courted and married. Na so marriage be ni?

nne3870: Nobody gets married and hopes to be single again, but sometimes people change. Nobody is perfect even in relationships you learn to adjust, likewise marriage.
I'm not in support of any form of abuse in marriage, I dnt pray to meet one either but all I am saying is divorce is not the answer.
It has nothing to do with low self esteem, most times involve families into the issue. Let them know what is happening instead of keeping quiet and pretending that all is well. Go home to your parents, stay for a while while you work things out with your spouse.
I don't know why madam chaircover is not here to share her views sef..... Chaircover where are you?

You learn to adjust but how can one adjust to violence. Either you leave that moment or take whatever the result is. Some take a step back, analyse issue, then return and it never happen again while most times, it continues.

I had a classmate back then, lost her left eye due to her husband abuse, she couldn't continue with school as she was advice to step back in order not to stress the remaining eye. She was advised by her folks to remain submissive blah blah blah. Next, the man threatened to remove the remaining eye because he was accused of chasing women. Fast forward today, he threw her out, seized her children. Somehow, through face book, she was able to locate her classmates and asking for financial assistance.

I don't wanna all details here, but when you see her, pretty lady, eyes the same but the left is blind.

Now, this is what I call blind love. The damage has been done.
Like I said, some ppl can tolerate one eye, some can't . The difference lies on how you love yourself.

@chilllsauce..... I get and I don't support it. The problem with some ladies is that they allow the abuse to continue.
If you actually did ''something'' the first time he slaps you then he wouldn't try it the second time. Their are ways to tackle issues attimes.
Ok may be y'all misunderstood what I was trying to say and I will try to just stay behind and not say anything since I dnt have an experience.

nne3870: Nobody gets married and hopes to be single again, but sometimes people change. Nobody is perfect even in relationships you learn to adjust, likewise marriage.
I'm not in support of any form of abuse in marriage, I dnt pray to meet one either but all I am saying is divorce is not the answer.
It has nothing to do with low self esteem, most times involve families into the issue. Let them know what is happening instead of keeping quiet and pretending that all is well. Go home to your parents, stay for a while while you work things out with your spouse.
I don't know why madam chaircover is not here to share her views sef..... Chaircover where are you?

U r getting it wrong, its not about common misunderstandings between couples, its about abusive ones. There should be a limit in any relationship, so what happens when one partner crosses d line? Does d other partner just stay & look? No...

Ihe nka ha nakpo marriage dikwa egwu bikonu! . If you are single, society no go let you hear word, you say make you marry too, nsogbu! God please help your children.

Wrong post.

nne3870:
The problem with some ladies is that they allow the abuse to continue.



and not say anything since I dnt have an experience.

These men in question r abusive to d most meekest & most submissive women.

Pls don't wait to have d experience b4 u understand it, its real & its happening

Chillisauce:

You learn to adjust but how can one adjust to violence. Either you leave that moment or take whatever the result is. Some take a step back, analyse issue, then return and it never happen again while most times, it continues.

I had a classmate back then, lost her left eye due to her husband abuse, she couldn't continue with school as she was advice to step back in order not to stress the remaining eye. She was advised by her folks to remain submissive blah blah blah. Next, the man threatened to remove the remaining eye because he was accused of chasing women. Fast forward today, he threw her out, seized her children. Somehow, through face book, she was able to locate her classmates and asking for financial assistance.

I don't wanna all details here, but when you see her, pretty lady, eyes the same but the left is blind.

Now, this is what I call blind love. The damage has been done.
Like I said, some ppl can tolerate one eye, some can't . The difference lies on how you love yourself.

Like the bible says God should deliver us from wicked and unreasonable men cos not all men have faith. I think staying and trying to redeem the marriage will depend on how reasonable and amenable the abuser is, not the other bunch that are on the extreme. The level of abuse, wickedness and unreasonability/irrationality all come into play here. Nobody should adjust to violence but instead of leaving first all other repairable options should be exhausted . I am talking of marriage here. If it's still at the courting stages then RUN very far away from any signs of abuse. End the relationship immediately. If you are married then try your best to work it out. If it doesn't work out then Leave. This abuse is on a case to case basis and as someone said earlier life is so complex that there is no one size fits all answer or solution to this kinds of problem. Because of our cultural orientations, How many women who are now in their 50s and 60s haven't at one point or the other in their marriages endured some kind of domestic abuse. It was commonplace when I was growing up. Although my dad never did it(at least not in my presence )but he came close sometimes in fits of rage. My uncle did it at a point when I was with them and he was a nice man and it was mostly temper issues but I noticed they all cooled down after some years. I don't have that kind of mentality because I didn't grow up in their era, but some of these men grow up in homes where abuse is seen as normal and that complicates the issues.