Hi guys, can i hear you guys opinion on this short, if there is any way i can spice it up.

@alkaline.ak, where you dey siiince na...
ehn...okay..
let me download and read and ama come back.

Why don't you to paste your script here directly? I think it helps you to easily get a significant number to read your work instead of going thru the stress of downloading. #My opinion#

*Starts to download script on my phone*

sholay2011: Why don't you to paste your script here directly? I think it helps you to easily get a significant number to read your work instead of going thru the stress of downloading. #My opinion#

*Starts to download script on my phone*

I tried it but it messed up the arrangement of the script and made it look really amateur ish

alkaline.ak:


I tried it but it messed up the arrangement of the script and made it look really amateur ish

I understand but don't you think as much as it is gud it looks "professional", there are more important things that need to pointed out by ppl? For example, is your script "telling" or "showing"? How is the dialogue? Is the plot unique and interesting? Can the reader identify with the characters easily? Is the script realistic in relation to the setting? Etc.

My phone can't open the file now...so I would have to do that when I'm with my system. Not everyone that views this thread would go that far.

So far you make use of scriptwriting terms, it would appear professional even when pasted here. You can also patiently rearrange it before you paste it here. #My opinion#

I have read it; nice script. I like the ending and the character of Jay seems well-developed for a short script and very realistic.

But I think the plot would be more suitable for a feature script. I felt there was 'too much going on' for a short film.

Secondly, you had problems with tenses, punctuation and some words. You should know when to add 's' or not for a verb. Then, you repeatedly misspelled words like writing 'His' instead of 'He's' and 'giving' instead of 'given'. Comma was found wanting in some statements. And I still wonder why some words are in uppercase like 'SCREENWRITER'.

Nevertheless, I found the dialogue to be okay: succinct and realistic. I also learnt about filmmaking through the script. The Lord is your muscle. Well done.

Hmmmmm, a tough one because I remember you from your other script thread. The truth is I was going to quit reading on the first page. Why? You need to write what 'you know' or what 'you've researched'... This script I know fully well has neither. I only read it because it's set in a 'film school'. Additionally, I am pretty sure you have not been to one (you don't have to; in this day and age everything you'll want to learn is on the internet), you didn't talk to present or former film school students (again you didn't need to)... the easiest thing you had to do was google film schools and simply have a look at their course structures.

Your very first bit of dialogue told me immediately that this would be no good.

COURSE LEADER (O.S.)
As you all know that this is your
last assessment, the school have
decided to put you guys into groups.

The above dialogue immediately pointed out a very basic flaw - no experience of the topic and wouldn't do any research into it either. How do I know? It is their LAST assessment and the school has only NOW decided to put them into 'groups'? There is not a film school on the planet where such would happen... practically EVERYTHING they do from day ONE is 'group' work. Filmmaking is and has always been a 'group' of people working on a project'. - of course there are the odd solo shooter goes out and shoots something for him/herself.

The next thing was the 'Course Leader' speaking certain words in CAPITALS... why? what for? Ok, that is a tiny niggle but still annoying when you see it in dialogue. Also there was absolutely no need for dialogue to explain EVERY single role in a film. It served only one purpose here; for the writer to say 'Look what I know'... because we already know ALL the students in the film already know exactly what those roles are - you already told us they know... it is afterall their 'final' assessment. Yes they might be 'knuckleheads' but no tutor in the world should ever say that to his students because it is far too unprofessional. He shouldn't say that, not even as a joke.

Everything I've said above is a 'minor' issue. the major issue is that it is just like the other script where nothing worthwhile is actually happening. Seriously it's plain flat and boring. They are just sitting around, talking and doing nothing and worst of all due to the lack of research that is not at all what film students would be doing... they will not be waiting for a soul As said before; find a way to make these things interesting. Don't make almost every scene a cut from the same people in a classroom to the same people in a classroom to the same people in a classroom... start thinking about locations, movement and actions... not just them sitting on chairs doing the talking-head thing.

A film about students trying to make a film can be very, very interesting.

Whatever you do you MUST watch this short film about people trying to make a film. it has been on vimeo for a couple of years; I don't think it's on YouTube.

https://vimeo.com/16044812

PS. I apologise but I do give anything about scripts hard, very hard time.

sholay2011: I have read it; nice script. I like the ending and the character of Jay seems well-developed for a short script and very realistic.

But I think the plot would be more suitable for a feature script. I felt there was 'too much going on' for a short film.

Nevertheless, I found the dialogue to be okay: succinct and realistic. I also learnt about filmmaking through the script.

I know you're just being nice

Ok. Well developed character/s for a short? Not really... shorts are generally too short for that... they base almost everything on the story. I didn't feel there was too much going on rather too little... because there was almost 6, 7 pages of the same sit-and-wait-for-jay repetition. Nor did I find the dialogue to be realistic of a film school setting.

Sorry people... I'm the NOT NICE one

^^^^^ Kai! Villageboi...oga na master. I hail oh. Are you even sure we read the same script? I just noticed some of the things you pointed out.

But you harsh small for ur epistle sha. Though, dats wat we scriptwriters need to be on our toes and get better. You be case bro.

VillageBoi:

I know you're just being nice

Ok. Well developed character/s for a short? Not really... shorts are generally too short for that... they base almost everything on the story. I didn't feel there was too much going on rather too little... because there was almost 6, 7 pages of the same sit-and-wait-for-jay repetition. Nor did I find the dialogue to be realistic of a film school setting.

Sorry people... I'm the NOT NICE one

Respekt sir!

Well, your points about the script are true and you sure know much about filmmaking and film schools than I do. I can't wait to be 'unkind' when I see your next project.

sholay2011:
Well, your points about the script are true and you sure know much about filmmaking and film schools than I do. I can't wait to be 'unkind' when I see your next project.

Maybe just maybe for you I will post one of my old short scripts here... then I hope everyone can join in in ripping it apart as should be done lol.

PS - By the way you have to watch this too - https://vimeo.com/16044812

@Villageboi, i actually did some course in filmmaking but am still a newbie.
i intentionally made the course leader states the roles because of people that doesn't know anything about filmmaking that would be reading the script. You are into filmmaking thats why it seems obvious to you. Think about other people that doesn't know shyt about filmmaking, One thing i heard is that ''you need to make the plot clear to the audience''

You said something about research, well am pretty sure there are alot of courses where you shoot a solo film with your own crew, so i know exactly what am talking about.

About the knuckleheads, Seems like you live in abroad so i think you should know the word doesnt really mean anything to these white people. Have heard a tutor used it before and we all laugh about it.

I agree with all other things you said, am still learning. Thanks for reading.

@ sholay2011, thank you bro

alkaline.ak:
i intentionally made the course leader states the roles because of people that doesn't know anything about filmmaking that would be reading the script.

You said something about research, well am pretty sure there are alot of courses where you shoot a solo film with your own crew, so i know exactly what am talking about.

Line 1) Don't spoonfeed your audience - they are really not that stupid. And the explanation of the roles has nothing to do with the 'plot'.

Lins 2) No film school does that and any short course that does is a rubbish con. Filmmaking is NEVER taught as something done solo. Can a student elect to shoot something 'solo' on one of his/her modules? Yes!
However, the opening dialogue of the script is still 'wrong'.

Yea I heard about ''dont spoonfeed the audience'' too. But i dont think thats much of spoonfeeding. either way i get your point, i was just thinking about people that doesnt know anything about filmmaking.

About the solo filmmaking, i wish i can post my friend's project for you to see. He write and directed the short film with the crew he put together. and my other friend was asked to make a solo documentary in film school. So yea there are

About the capital letter of some words, tbh i dont know why i write it that way

alkaline.ak:
Yea I heard about ''dont spoonfeed the audience'' too. But i dont think thats much of spoonfeeding. either way i get your point, i was just thinking about people that doesnt know anything about filmmaking.

No biggie, it's just irrelevant information that takes up time in the 'short' that could be used on the actual story telling.

alkaline.ak:

About the solo filmmaking, i wish i can post my friend's project for you to see. He write and directed the short film with the crew he put together. and my other friend was asked to make a solo documentary in film school. So yea there are

Yes you said that in your post before this one. I was waiting for you to spot your 'contradiction'... a 'crew he put together'... it is not a 'solo' undertaking and is NEVER taught as such.

VillageBoi:

Yes you said that in your post before this one. I was waiting for you to spot your 'contradiction'... a 'crew he put together'... it is not a 'solo' undertaking and is NEVER taught as such.

Oh, hmmm bro i guess you dont get the point i tried to make in the script or maybe i didnt make it clear, Its a film school, they have students who are screenwriters,directors,producers and so on. So they purposely put them together in a group to work with each other, so its all their project not someone (solo) project.

What i mean by he put his crew together is that it was his project (Like he was told to write and direct a shot film) so he had to get a crew to help him but its still a solo project. But in the script, it is their project. A writer,director,producer,editor are all put together to make a short film. I thought that was clear in the script if you read past the first dialogue.

alkaline.ak:

Oh, hmmm bro i guess you dont get the point i tried to make in the script or maybe i didnt make it clear, Its a film school, they have students who are screenwriters,directors,producers and so on. So they purposely put them together in a group to work with each other, so its all their project not someone (solo) project.

I got your point, you missed mine. I said from day one they do work in GROUPS in any & every film school. Your opening dialogue states otherwise!
Additionally further along I did say students can have 'solo' ie their own elected projects.

sholay2011:

But I think the plot would be more suitable for a feature script. I felt there was 'too much going on' for a short film.

Alot of poeple that read the script said the same thing. I think i might write the feature script and see how it looks.

alkaline.ak:


Alot of poeple that read the script said the same thing. I think i might write the feature script and see how it looks.

Yes bro. But I must say you're talented. Just try to find that suitable plot that wud 'waoh' ppl. Our best is yet to come.

sholay2011:
Yes bro. But I must say you're talented. Just try to find that suitable plot that wud 'waoh' ppl. Our best is yet to come.

Absolutely, our best is yet to come. Thank you bro

alkaline.ak:


Absolutely, our best is yet to come. Thank you bro

Have you checked out my short film script- 'Nigerian Horror Story'? You shud go through it. I wud appreciate it.

sholay2011:
Have you checked out my short film script- 'Nigerian Horror Story'? You shud go through it. I wud appreciate it.

Yea am just reading it now, am sorry i dont come on here often i should have read it long time ago. Am going to comment on it now.