Dear Nairalanders,
I really need your advice. I am the eldest of 5 kids, an ND holder (Engineering) from a reputable polytechnic in Lagos, I have not been able to return to school to finish my HND because of financial constraints. I turned 37 in April and have been dating a girl for over 11 yrs now, she was 18 yrs when I met her so you can do the math to know how old she is, and there is a reason I decided to include her age so as for proper judgment and advice be given from you all. I am also going to give a little detail of what we (The girl & I) have gone through together, the more reason why I decided to seek advice from other mature minds on this great forum.

Some years back she got pregnant for me, while I was still living with my folks(an agbaya like me) we tried all we could to get rid of the baby, but the baby wouldn't bulge, to be precise she had an abortion 6 times, all at different reputable hospitals with proven records of success in the "biz', but all to no avail, it was a family doctor friend that advised we keep the baby, that further attempt to get rid of it might take my girl's life as well, so we heeded his advice, braced up for the worst to happen and told our parents of the "misfortune" that has befallen us.
To cut a long story short, she was sent packing by her father, I couldn't bring her home to stay with us(a one-room apartment with 4 siblings and my mother making a total of 6 people living in it) so we had to look for where she would put up, that period was hell on earth for both of us, she suffering the most. I had no job and no money, she moved from one friend's house to another until my mum prevailed on me to bring her home so that she could take proper care of her and that was how she came to live with us and finally put to bed a bouncing COMPLETE baby boy, I used the word complete because I was scared the baby would be deformed after all the pills she took and efforts we made to abort it.
The boy grew up beautifully, another Michael Scoffield I must say, he was already doing things way beyond his age, understands commands fully, appreciates music like me his dad, very smart and witty, he was the best thing that happened to me and everyday back then, I would thank God for giving him to me and also ask for forgiveness for trying to get rid of him initially, little did we know that tragedy was lurking around the corner. Just before he clocked 8 months, he protracted an illness, we tried all we could, orthodox and unorthodox, all to no avail and he died. My world came crashing down; it took me over a year to get over it, but my heart still aches badly whenever his memory flashes.

Fast-forward to 2013, I no longer reside in Lagos with my folks, I have moved to the South-south in search of greener pastures, my girl and I are still together, but we are not married yet because I am still trying to get my footing financially, all through my trying moments she has been solidly behind me and has been a source of encouragement and inspiration, although she wasn't happy about my moving away from Lagos, she visits me occasionally but never fails to register her displeasure about us being far apart, and in her own words..." I didn't sign for this long distance relationship oh!'.....Lol, I always assuage her fears by telling her it is just a matter of time and things will get better so I can come and do the proper rites to make her my wife so she can come live with me legally. She has insisted I come to do the 'Introduction" by December which I have not said anything about yet.

Now here is the part that has gotten me seeking advice and worried. Precisely 2 months ago, an old friend and I reconnected on Facebook, we'd lost contact after our secondary school in 1993 when he moved over to Europe. He is very successful in Europe and runs a business of his own there. We have been in constant touch and he has been very helpful. Now he has made me an offer, which I cannot refuse but is giving me sleepless nights.
He has offered to help me move over to Europe, all expenses paid, to seek for "more" greener pastures, I am not even committing a Naira of my own with a promise to help me secure a job(in his firm if I want or other places) and I could stay with him and his family until I save up enough to get an accommodation of my own. The "parole" he wants to use to secure an entry for me is a business program coming up in November, so I have to give him the go-ahead to start processing my papers for the event.
My problem now is:
How do I tell my girl that I intend to move to Europe in search of a better life, taking into consideration that she has been complaining of the distance between us?

Should I go ahead and tell my friend to start processing my papers and tell my girl when the visa is ready?

Should I reject the Europe offer, stay here because of my girl, and continue to hustle and pray that things get better?

In as much as I am tired of the "rat-race' life I am living here, and look forward to make my life better, the thought of leaving my girl behind after all these years haunts me. She has been fending off different suitors because of me and now I have to leave the country and leave her behind?

I am at a crossroad. WHAT DO I DO?

Mmm this story long no be small! Lol sha before u tell her I think u should ask ur frd if its possible to bring sme1 along wen coming since u dnt knw hw lng u might stay der, and try to tell her also. if he says u can den gud u take her with u,if he says no den just try sha

D first thing u have to do is to let her know. She ll be mad for sure but explain to her. If she disagrees den so be it. As I read d story I already saw her as ur wife. Her decisions matters a lot. Judging from what u said if she finds herself in similar shoe she either goes with u or u approve her movement. Lastly that u are travelling to Europe doesn't mean things ll be better there even with ur friends promises.

You actually afraid of moving to europe becos you do love her, its a hard decision to make but here is a chance to better your life and that of hers, tell me, make her understand, you moving over there is for the good of both of you, definately for the love she has for u, she will not want u to suffer more,this might be once in a life time opurtunity.

This one is beyond me

.

Eyaaa!.... Guy ur not getin young.. Make ur woman undastand nd also wen u get der u creat room to bring her over.. I would advice you pay somtin on ur girls head bfore leavin for europe as an asurance you would come for her.. And when in europe dnt get caried away with white toto cause e no sweet reach our 9ja own, #talkin frm xperience#

If you have to go to Europe, make sure you do the Introduction she is asking for or if possible do Traditional or court wedding. That will give her a good reason to hold on until you are able to settle well in Europe.

From what you said, she seems to be a good girl. If not anything at least for going through rough times with you cos hardly can you find such a patient and Loving woman this days. Try and see her and explain things to her face-face and assure her that your going to Europe is to make things better for you guys.

Between, good luck.

guy u sure say na correct work u de go do der?..u sure say no b coke biz u de go do?..cus dis ur frnds offer sound too gud to b true!..so beta b careful cus i smell a rat here o..d fact dat u want to move abroad n d anxiety is der u shuld b careful o guy..n for d record..tell ur woman wat is goin on...cus d more u delay d more complicated tins will become...so tell her she will b able to see wat u not seing in dat ur frnds offer fa

Go and do her introduction, if u have to borrow money to marry her, so be it, Nothing u say to her is more assuring that going to marry her. She will be more happy that way, Every girl assumes Nigerian men are not truth to their words when making promises while on d verge of travelling abroad. Jst do the right thing, make that sacrifice for her...Go and marry her no matter how small d ceremony would be..All d best

damn op , this is a bleeped up situation o , id go with whoever said u shd do introduction , if you can sef just do small coded court wedding or summ , your girl deserves more

Get engaged to this lovely lady bro and or marry her in a court. Finish.

Damn! This one na predicament.





I never reach the level to give advice for this one

@ OP: I would like to take my time to rub minds with you on this challenge. First, did you ask your friend whether he could accommodate you both ? That is you and your girlfriend: with that you can do court marriage here and travel abroad.

Just show the girl and her family some reasonable level of committment before moving.

first thing you want to do is tell your friend to start the process. Then travel to lagos to inform everyone of your luck, pray about it. Then the only thing you will need to do i not forget where you came from meaning don't get swayed by a woman and take care of your family while in Europe.

Bros get engaged to her or marry her before you go...Don't just go like that...make sure u tell and also tell her ur going is for the better good for the both of u. Make her see reasons why u are going. But don't let the efforts of so many years be put to waste. She has tried being with u for eleven years even without money. Try to make it worth her while and if and when things become better over there, u can just bring her over. Don't go over there without getting engaged or even getting married to her. U guys have gone so far to gamble with the relationship...

My 2 cents' worth...Have a heart to heart discussion with her. A woman that has been with you through thick and thin for so many years cannot be treated the same way as the BB babes out there. Tell her you love her, of the amazing opportunity that's come up, and that you'd totally respect her say on the matter. If eventually she says go, then don't forget her when you get cold in Europe! Also if she says no, stay with her in 9ja and continue to hustle. I pray God be with both of you.

As my friend WackyJ don talk.... This is really beyond me...

But... how true is the story behind this ur friend calling you over to Europe? All his family don travel go there for him to be calling a long time friend like you that just jammed on FaceBook? Please pray very well and get convinced about it and if you can't, talk to multiple men of God about it... Majority carries the vote.

Your friend wants to pay all your expense to UK?
No strings attached?
Hmm.my brother.don't let the hardship here blind you o.if he can pay for everything from immigration fees to flight ticket,
Let him give you the money to start up a small business and nuture it to grow.
But then who are you to dictate for him what to do.?
All I'm thinking is that his offer is too good to be true.cos things like this will only make u indebted to him.and when u get there he might put u upto drug trafficking etc.which u may nt be abale to escape.cos he might even take ur passport from you.


Now to the matter of your babe.haba.guy na wa o.u met this girl at 18? And she's 29 now.approaching the dreaded 30(for women) how do u think she'll take this?all her adult life has been around you.if you disappoint her,even heaven won't forgive u.
So be careful.n pray too.
If you know your friend to be trustworthy.and have proof that he is gainfully and legitimately employed over there,u can give it a shot.but marry her first.if that's what she wants.cos I when she learns about your traveling,she might have some double take on the marriage issue(or not).at least some ppl will definitely advise her to think twice
If u can talk to your friend about a loan to start something,then do so.cos immigration to UK(especially) isn't funny.before u can get a permanent residency to travel at will and bring your loved ones over to live with you,might take a long while.

Let's hope she has the patience of a saint!

lorretta u: Your friend wants to pay all your expense to UK?
No strings attached?
Hmm.my brother.don't let the hardship here blind you o.if he can pay for everything from immigration fees to flight ticket,
Let him give you the money to start up a small business and nuture it to grow.
But then who are you to dictate for him what to do.?
All I'm thinking is that his offer is too good to be true.cos things like this will only make u indebted to him.and when u get there he might put u upto drug trafficking etc.which u may nt be abale to escape.cos he might even take ur passport from you.


Now to the matter of your babe.haba.guy na wa o.u met this girl at 18? And she's 29 now.approaching the dreaded 30(for women) how do u think she'll take this?all her adult life has been around you. if you disappoint her,even heaven won't forgive u.
So be careful.n pray too.
If you know your friend to be trustworthy.and have proof that he is gainfully and legitimately employed over there,u can give it a shot.but marry her first.if that's what she wants.cos I when she learns about your traveling,she might have some double take on the marriage issue(or not).at least some ppl will definitely advise her to think twice
If u can talk to your friend about a loan to start something,then do so.cos immigration to UK(especially) isn't funny.before u can get a permanent residency to travel at will and bring your loved ones over to live with you,might take a long while.

Let's hope she has the patience of a saint!

Remember the bolded words... 11 yrs no be small waka... and you want to leave that for a mere LIE from someone beyond the waters...

I am really really touched by your heart warming advice y'all been dropping so far. I am very grateful. The load is suddenly getting off my heart.

Bvercially: guy u sure say na correct work u de go do der?..u sure say no b coke biz u de go do?..cus dis ur frnds offer sound too gud to b true!..so beta b careful cus i smell a rat here o..d fact dat u want to move abroad n d anxiety is der u shuld b careful o guy..n for d record..tell ur woman wat is goin on...cus d more u delay d more complicated tins will become...so tell her she will b able to see wat u not seing in dat ur frnds offer fa

Guy...U funny sha,but that is always the perception of such offers,anyways if I didnt do courier years back when I had the opportunity,I dont think I would be willing to go down that lane at this stage of my life. That line of wealth creation is never and will never be an option for me. I have done my due diligence about him and the offer and if it turns out otherwise..I back out...No story or "think about it"...I value my freedom pass anything oh!!

[quote
author=Fredosita]You actually afraid of moving to europe becos you do
love her, its a hard decision to make but here is a chance to better
your life and that of hers, tell me, make her understand, you moving
over there is for the good of both of you, definately for the love she
has for u, she will not want u to suffer more,this might be once in a
life time opurtunity.[/quote]

This story sounds like fiction to me - written to get reactions.

However, if it were to be remotely true, guy go and do something on that girls head. If she has been waiting for you all this while, na God go use im hand punish you if you try am.

Tell that homeboy to send the money, start something here instead. You could start buying stuff from AliExpress (in small quantities) & reselling here for a start.

All expenses paid? Lmao! Them go use rod tear ya yansh wen u reach dat Obodo oyinbo wey dey freak u. 11yrs? and u just wanna up and leave like dat? U no even fear? If dat babe cry go meet Babalawo and dem crash dat plane wey dey carry u go lick oyinbo yansh nko? Na guys like u dey use una hand jam witchcraft.

WackyJ1: This one is beyond me

LOL. So sincere

Richfella: This story sounds like fiction to me - written to get reactions.

However, if it were to be remotely true, guy go and do something on that girls head. If she has been waiting for you all this while, na God go use im hand punish you if you try am.

Tell that homeboy to send the money, start something here instead. You could start buying stuff from AliExpress (in small quantities) & reselling here for a start.

Abi
Guy no even dey sure wether e go make am for abroad o
Greener pasture
E get any country wey fit green pass naija for cool money

Dude, as a man, your fear shouldn't be leaving the girl, your fear should be what the future holds for you both and how to make her live a better life. Love without money can be a pathetic feeling, so, at this point, you really need to think and think right. I'm sure you've experienced real hustling and chronic poverty, i can't imagine 4 people living in a room but best believe, you'll survive anywhere and you gonna make it. My concern now is what are you gonna survive at? How promising is the little stuff you're doing in Nigeria? What's the details of you going to europe? What are the provisions over there and from your knowledge of your own friend, how responsible is he and how geniune is the offer? I think from your post, i only know a little about your terrible past and if you ever consider your friend's help as a sincere one, go ahead and lead 'your people to know her people' and if possible, get her pregnant before leaving (reasons reserved). From how your relationship has stood the test-of-time, i think this ghetto love holds a beautiful future. All the best as you think and act rightly.

1. ask ur friend if it's possible to accommodate ur wife.
2. if the answer is positive. break d news to her.
3. if the Answer is negative... explain things to her and have a heart to heart talk.
4. her decision is vital. make sure if she consents, it's from her heart.
5.I see u making it in life... yeah... but BUT but do not... I repeat.. don't ever forget her... whatever it is u have in life u owe it to her. that girl is ur ANGEL

Taking her with you isn't an option, at the very least, you will need to get your foot on the ground first before bringing her over. So if i was you, I would explain exactly what is going on, from your story, it seems she does love you so i am guessing she won't want to stand in the way of your happiness. So i would suggest you marry her, Not introduction or those crap... I mean MARRY...!!! it doesn't have to be a fancy wedding, just family and few friends. Make her understand that you are going so you both can have a better life. Kind words bro.. And when you finally get there, if you forget her, Bro, God will forget you oo... it's no curse, it is the truth.

Well since your friend is so generous, he wouldn't mind if you bring your girl!

@Op,

I honestly don't know what to say to you cos everybody has said it all.I don't know the level of friendship bw you and your classmate that is planning to help you over .But there are some things I want you to know

1.Everything is not what it seems.
2.There is nothing free in this life.
3.The person you knew a longtime will not remain the same person when you meet the m now.Change is a constant thing.

I read the part where you said,If you find out its coke bussiness,you will bail out.

You think the guy will allow you to come back?Just like that?How do you transport yourself back home or you think he will still sponsor.Before you know it,you will land yourself in prison..........End of solomon grandy.

By the way,what other job did you think you are going there to do?Do you have any foreign certificate?or are you planning to further your education?When even OND is a problem down here?.

Guy remain here with your woman.From what I see here,that lady bis the only woman for you.She knows your gensesis.Any other lady that comes into your life will look down on you,and get things complicated.Be strong and be a Man.